Relationship problems

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Dealing with a relationship problems is what I do for a living.  I have helped couples deal with all kinds relationship issues during my 22 years experience of couple counselling - regardless if the partners were married or in a long term relationship.  Relationship or marriage guidance counselling, whether as an individual or as a couple, can help you if you are determined to get through the problems as well as if you are thinking about ending your relationship.

Use this page to start your exploration and search for advice for your relationship problems.

Be sure to also read: Warning signs of a break up (see links for related pages near the bottom of this article).

Relationship advice and help with your emotions

I could only ever deal with a few couples or individuals with relationship problems at any one time by offering couples counselling.

That is why this website grew - very slowly over many years.  It now has a huge number of pages with relationship advice.

You are bound to find something useful for you in your situation, whether you are married, in a short term or long term relationship and cohabiting or not.

Desperate to start doing something now?  I can really recommend: Save my Marriage/Relationship Today.  Lee Baucom, PhD, really warns against so-called couple counsellors who were trained only to counsel individuals.  So, I just want to reassure you that I am a fully trained, qualified and well-experienced couple/relationship counsellor - I trained with the respected UK couple counselling agency RELATE.

Desperate to get your partner back?  The Magic Of Making Up is causing a huge stir - it is one of the most successful relationship ebooks.  I have reviewed it here: How to get your ex back.

How relationship problems start

A close couple relationship provides a real opportunity to meet your essential emotional needs.  However, if the demand for these needs is out of balance, things go awry, leading to relationship problems.  For example, one of you could be demanding too much attention, or 'demanding' attention by manipulation.

How you meet your essential emotional needs is also important in avoiding relationship problems.  Being selfish is a sure-fire way to create relationship problems.

Perhaps one or both of you are not taking responsibility for your own well-being - relying completely on your partner or spouse to meet all your needs.  This too leads to relationship problems.

Unrealistic expectations

Do not expect that all your needs can be met in your relationship or marriage.  Unrealistic expectations lead to resentments.  However, you may have very different opinions on what is realistic/.  I wouldn't be surprised if you have already discovered that!

Note: not feeling that your needs are met is a warning sign  -  not a 'green light' for you or your partner/spouse to have an affair.

24 common relationship problems

Relationship problems come in all shapes and sizes - no surprise to you, I am sure (more information on my page: causes of divorce).
Here are the problems, in no particular order, I have counseled couples for most, during more than 20 years of couple/marriage guidance counselling experience:

1. affairs (see: surviving infidelity) - emotional infidelity, one-night stands, internet relationships (incl 'sexting'), long and short term affairs
2. problems with sex, including how to increase female libido and how to increase male libido
3. significant differences in core values and beliefs
4. life stages – you have ‘outgrown’ each other or have changed significantly for whatever reason
5. traumatic and/or life-changing events (see also: brain injury symptoms)
6. responses to prolonged periods of stress, such as work-related stress, long-term illness, mental health issues, financial problems, problems with the children, infertility, etc.
7. important emotional needs not being met
8. bored in/with your relationship or being bored with 'life'
9. treating each other with contempt - see relationship communication
10. domestic violence
11. knowing you should not have got married in the first place! (See: warning signs of a break-up)
12. lack of responsibility regarding finances, children (see children in the middle), health, etc.
13. unrealistic expectations - still thinking your partner/spouse is the princess/knight, not seeing the 'real' human being
14. addictions - read more on my page on alcoholism stages
15. excessive reliance on social media, at a cost of the relationship - visit Facebook problems and Facebook fears, suspicions and obsessions
16. lack of support during particularly difficult times from people that matter to you
17. lack of communication about important matters
18. poor division of and/or one-sided lack of responsibility for chores and tasks
19. perceived lack of concern, care and consideration/attentiveness - a big one!
20. significant personal disappointments and traumas, that lead to changing relationship dynamics
21. long term depression suffered by one of the partners if not both
    
22. significant differences in opinion in how to discipline/deal with the children (see: how divorce affects children)
23. long-term stress - particularly when not taking responsibility to doing something positive about the cause, or about learning to handle it, if it can't be changed (see: stress and your relationship and adrenal fatigue symptoms)
24. Sexual problems, particularly loss of libido (male, female)

It is very likely that there are a number of these issues present when a relationship begins to falter.

Avoid these at all cost

Relationships and marriages (or any kind of relationship for that matter, incl. friendships) go sour when they damaged by the following types of communications:

• 'settling scores'
• power battles and/or scoring points for whatever reason
• treating your partner differently from how you would want to be treated yourself
• wanting to be right
• manipulation to get your own way
• undermining the person you are supposed to love in any way
• using your boy/girlfriend, partner or spouse
• having it your way all the time
• controlling your partner/spouse/boy/girlfriend
• treating him/her with content
• abusing him/her in any way: financially, physically, mentally and/or emotionally

Some of these points don't much differ from the next, but I just want to spell it out.  I can guarantee you that any of the above will lead to relationship problems.

You, your partner/spouse or both of you

Whilst often you won't have control over what happens to you, you can have control over how you respond.

What you decide to do about relationship problems, which you think are caused by your husband/wife/partner, depends on many factors.  However, I have some choices for you right now that will help:

• accept that you cannot change him/her
• consider couple counselling
• if he/she does not want relationship or marriage counselling, consider going for counselling yourself to get some help in understanding why it is all going pear-shaped and sorting things out
• if your husband/wife/boy- or girlfriend is abusive you need to leave, get help and do it!

Marriage guidance or relationship counselling can really make the difference when you are having relationship problems.  It helps you both to make the necessary changes so that you can really enjoy being with their partner/spouse again.  As a couple counsellor I hope that with what I provide on this website I can help you both feel fulfilled, happy, challenged as well as nurtured again - sharing, caring and loving.

What is your role in your relationship problems?

If you recognise yourself in the above relationship wrecking behaviours - do challenge yourself.  No need to judge - just notice your behaviour - acknowledge it.

Mostly people engage in these kinds of behaviours in an attempt to get their innate emotional needs met.  It is very likely that is the case for you too.  I so want you to get your needs met in more helpful ways!

Ask yourself questions about the why, where, when and how you behave like that, so that you develop and awareness of what the triggers (not the causes) are.  My page on problem solving strategies can help you ask the right questions and get to the bottom of it.

Blaming your partner or spouse?

You may not recognise yourself behaving like that, but your partner/spouse, family, friends or colleagues may have made comments about your behaviour.  You may have noticed that you are falling out with people a bit too often.

If you think that could possibly be you, I would really like you to find a good friend or other trusted person who knows you well and who is not afraid to tell you how it really is.

Alternatively you may want to give me a call to either set up a telephone counselling session or an appointment to come and see me (see FAQ about counselling).  I can help you to feel better and do better - without judgment.

Time to end your relationship or marriage?

You don't feel safe and secure in your relationship or marriage?  Are few of your emotional needs met in your marriage or relationship, despite your very best attempts at sorting them?

Maybe it is time to either get some help (see my page on couple or marriage guidance counselling) and/or consider if this relationship is really the right one for you (visit my page on ending a long term relationship and/or divorce tips).

Contact me directly for advice

You can write to me now and let me help you with your relationship problem.  Tell me what is troubling you.

For me to give you the best possible advice, it is important that you answer the questions below.  Some of these questions, you might think, have no bearing on your particular problem.  However, answering as many questions as possible will help me put your problem into the context of the rest of your life/relationships.

Please note: You yourself will remain responsible for your own choices.

Please take the time to give me as much detail as possible.

• your first names (please change your names so you can't be identified)
• how old you (both/all) are
• how long you have been together
• whether or not children and/or other family members are involved
• your hobbies and interests
• what you each do for a living
  
• what you like/love about each other
• what the problem is right now
• how long that problem has been going on
• what you have tried to do about it so far
• how committed you are and how committed you think you partner is
  
• has either of you ever suffered from depression or anxiety
• has either of you - or both - suffered any major traumas in your life
  

Tell me what is troubling you and ask me a question

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You may also be interested in:	Food affects your mood!
Warning signs of a break up Frequently asked questions about counselling Couple/relationship counselling - what to expect Relationship problem advice How to find the best divorce lawyer/attorney Relationship quizzes

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Other helpful links and sources:

Personal Relationships - Whiley Online Library - Early view articles
Psychological Science - How to support your partner
Infidelity is costing america $61.6 billion annually (PDF), study by Cheaters.com

Image courtesy of: 1 Michelle Spagnol; 2 Aleksandra P.; 3 Steve Woods; 4 Vangelis Thomaidis; 5 Michal Zacharzewski

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