Perhaps your partner isn’t heterosexual after all?
If you’ve found out that your partner, wife or husband is bisexual, it may feel as if your legs have been cut from under you. Suddenly your world has been turned upside down and you may feel barely able to function.
I want to be upfront here, so there’s no question about my beliefs. For me, everyone is equal. And equality has to be a given – not a right somehow granted or earned.
I’ve written this article to help you and your partner understand your feelings and to help you figure out how to move forward. (Having trouble identifying your feelings? See my list of emotions and feelings).
Know that your partner or spouse has very likely tried to deny the true nature of their orientation, perhaps even to themselves, for a long time. They’re likely to have gone through a very painful journey before finally coming to terms with who they really are.
Their ‘coming out’ will have been a very well-considered decision. For you though, sadly, it can be a huge shock.
Let’s take a look at how you might be feeling since you found out (or seriously suspect) that your partner or spouse is bisexual.
Finding out your partner, wife or husband is bisexual
The discovery is likely to have come as a great shock to you.
Here are some very common reactions to shock in general:
- feeling shaken to the core, like the rug has been pulled from under you,
- being unable to concentrate or think straight,
- being unable to focus on anything other than what you’ve discovered,
- feeling irritable, and like ‘everything’ is too much trouble,
- having a mind like a sieve, feeling exhausted, yet restless,
- having difficulties falling and staying asleep,
- feeling a deep sense of loss and crying at the drop of a hat.
Feelings specific to your situation
Alongside the shock, you’ll probably be experiencing a whole host of other emotions.
Under the circumstances, it’s very normal if you…
feel betrayed,
feel ashamed,
feel consumed by a sense of hurt and anger,
feel guilty about how your children will have to cope,
worry about other people’s reactions,
worry that your partner might stray or has already been unfaithful,
spot reminders of the history of your relationship everywhere.
All these feelings are terribly painful. It’s hard not to want your partner to tell you it was all a mistake.
But your partner could…
- also, be in crisis, and paralysed by fear
- be ready to move on – not appreciating how much of a shock you’ve just received
- seem in denial (or unaware) of how much of an impact this revelation has had on you
- be so overwhelmed by their own turmoil that they’ve stopped feeling anything for themselves and thereby for others.
How are you trying to cope?
Here’s what’s happens to many people in your situation, so don’t be surprised if you are:
- avoiding people who you don’t want to have to tell
- trying to avoid thoughts about your partner in same-sex situations
- blaming, accusing, fault finding
- rejecting your partner’s advances
- arguing the fact that they are bisexual
- worrying about what his/her sexuality says about you
- worrying about the impact of the laws of the country
- wanting him or her to move out immediately
- contemplating ending your relationship or getting a divorce.
Testimonial
“I cannot thank you enough for validating my feelings. For once, somebody acknowledges how hard it is, to be the one on the other end of things. I do want to support my husband, I just wish he was more willing or able to support me. Thank you so much for your article!!”
To help you cope with all these understandable and normal feelings, hop over to my articles on treating depression without medication and Self-hypnosis FAQ and downloads.
You may not be ready to hear this right now, but further on in your journey, you’ll discover there’s always something to be gained from any situation.
You potentially have a chance of building a better relationship than you’ve had before with a partner now they don’t have to hide anymore. They can potentially love you fully and authentically!
Get a professional therapist to help you
Because you’re worthy of reliable help and support.
- Individual therapy online
- Couples therapy – online, so very near you
- 1 live session à 45 min/week (video, voice or text)
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How you can both get through this
All you can expect from yourselves in the early stages is to ‘cope with not coping’. This phase will pass – I promise you.
Try to be kind to yourselves and each other. Accept your own and your partner’s feelings however difficult. It is what it is.
Your partner’s journey
It’s really understandable if all you want to do is to scream and shout at your partner.
However, try to remember that your partner…
- may have known from childhood/puberty
- would have felt afraid and alone
- would have wanted to conform in order to be accepted by society, their parents, their friends, their religion, etc
- may have suffered from self-loathing and toxic shame – loathing their body, their thoughts and their feelings
- may have hated him/herself for not being able, to be honest with you
- will have worried about losing you, your love, and your support
- will have worried about the impact of the laws in your country
- will have worried about the impact on your kids
- will have seen other people coming out whose friends turned into enemies
- will have been powerless in the face of what their body dictated
- will have felt incredibly unhappy about having to hide part of themselves
- is essentially the same person you’ve been with all those years.
Just in case you’re interested, watch this the following clip, where Oprah Winfrey interviews a couple about their experience. Both partners admit to having liked being with someone of the opposite sex as well.
9 Steps towards acceptance
- Just because your partner or spouse is bi, or another gender, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to be unfaithful now They may have experimented before the two of you got together. You may suspect that they have already had an affair though – if so, I totally understand that feels like a double betrayal.
- Take stock! As with every relationship at some point – there were bound to have been some ‘niggles’ before recent revelations. Now is the perfect time to do something about it or, of course, call it a day and end the marriage or relationship.
- Try to accept each other’s thoughts and beliefs as valid to each of you, even if you don’t understand them. You won’t be able to change each other.
- Give each other time to talk and don’t interrupt other than to check that you’ve understood what’s been said. This will help you both to process your thoughts and feelings. For further tips on how to listen, see my article How to stop arguing all the time.
- Accept and take into consideration that you’re both on a different time scale. You have just found out, you’re barely coping – you have a long journey ahead of you. Your partner has arrived here after a very long journey and may have been hoping to move on after a relatively short time. Unrealistic for sure, but how were they to know?
- Connect with help organisations and try to find other couples who have managed to ride the waves and survived.
- Don’t make any significant decisions about the way forward, other than perhaps getting some (couple’s) counselling. Alternatively, connect with Relationship Hero where they have a diverse team of relationship coaches waiting to help you now. See my article Online relationship advice for further details.
- Do all you can to make it a good ending if you decide to break up (your partner or spouse may have already made the decision to break up, though). Acceptance also means being able to move on – allowing each other to start anew with dignity.
For more information on doing a good ending see my articles: How to end a long-term relationship, How to get through divorce and How to survive divorce after 25 years of marriage. - Do make it possible for your children to love each one of you whatever your future may hold, without shaming your partner and trying to induce any feelings of guilt. See also: How to help your kids through a breakup and How to help your children cope with divorce.
Not sure what to do for the best, then take my comprehensive relationship test to help you make a decision.
Finally
Journalist LZ Granderson really brings you down to earth in his TEDtalk. He is gay, but his message applies to us all. I think it will help you to put what is happening in your relationship in a greater context so that you’re perhaps not so shocked and frightened anymore (if indeed you were!).
Get a professional therapist to help you
Because you’re worthy of reliable help and support.
- Individual online therapy
- Online couples therapy
- 1 live session à 45 min/week (video, voice or text)
- Unlimited messaging
- Change therapists with a click of a button
- Therapy on a secure & confidential platform
- Three subscription alternatives
- Cancel or upgrade your subscription at any time.
Click the button and…
Other useful resources
Resource Center Brochure – How to be an ally