Discover how to stop arguing in a relationship

How to argue effectively in a relationship and stop the constant fighting

I’m so chuffed you’re here to learn how to stop arguing in a relationship!

Constant fighting, yet you never feel heard?

When every conversation turns into an argument, you’re probably too often feeling angry, rejected, unhappy, anxious and perhaps even depressed.

I’ve got you – I know how painful all that can be!

I aim to show you how you can argue more effectively in your relationship to prevent those constant fights.

That angry bickering and fighting all the time can mask the sadness about the state of your relationship. Having the same fights over and over again is mind-blowingly tedious and tiring.

Chances are you’re questioning your compatibility and worrying about a possible breakup.

Let me reassure you that your relationship may actually be healthy and strong despite the constant arguing. More on that later.

Just think what you could be doing if you weren’t arguing all the time? What exciting things you might do or talk about instead of wasting your time bickering about things that matter little in the grand scheme?

So, let’s get going and help you stop arguing.

Are you squabbling about money?

Many couples struggle to agree on how they should spend their money. Worse still, skeletons in the cupboard often range from secrets and wasteful and unaffordable purchases to debts and undisclosed bank accounts.

If that sounds like you, be sure to read what I’ve written about money issues in a relationship, and Your partner is lying about money.

How to stop arguing in a relationship

7 tips to help stop arguing

1. Don’t point your finger and blame your spouse for all the problems.
2. Don’t try to make up by making love when your spouse isn’t open to that.
3. Don’t deliberately irritate your spouse or partner.
4. Don’t poke fun at them.
5. Don’t threaten them with anything, including a breakup.
6. Don’t stay quiet or ignore your spouse.
7. Don’t be childish.

Regarding the latter, read further down about how we learn patterns of behaviour.

You won’t discover how to stop arguing without understanding why every conversation turns into an argument first.

Let’s get going with Step 1.

Step 1. To stop arguing – stop blaming

Easier said than done, isn’t it? Because it’s so much easier to blame your spouse or partner for all the arguments than to consider your own role.

But, let’s face it – you’re not going to change them.

Since someone needs to change, will you take up the challenge?

A change in you will mean a change in the dynamics of your relationship. Your spouse or partner must then adapt.

An added benefit is your self-development. You’ll learn, build new relationship skills and grow.

Are you up for that?

What about gay or lesbian couples?

“Gay/lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict. Compared to straight couples, gay and lesbian couples use more affection and humour when they bring up a disagreement, and partners are more positive in how they receive it. Gay and lesbian couples are also more likely to remain positive after a disagreement. “When it comes to emotions, we think these couples may operate with very different principles than straight couples. Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships,” explains Gottman.”

www.gottman.com

Step 2. To stop the arguing – discover why you bicker all the time

Let’s see if any of the following might apply to you or your spouse/partner before we dive further into how to stop arguing.

9 behaviours that lead to constant arguing in a relationship

Couples constantly argue because one partner, or both, engages in:

1. Settling scores – a guaranteed way to cause relationship issues (link)
2. Power battles and scoring points
3. Treating each other with contempt (eye-rolling, name-calling, sarcasm, etc.)
4. Wanting to be right all of the time
5. Wanting to win arguments
6. Manipulation to get their way
7. Undermining the person they’re supposed to love
8. Controlling behaviour
9. Abuse, for example, financial, physical, mental and emotional (see: Signs of an abusive relationship) – a deal-breaker!

And then there’s the seemingly opposite strategy: using the silent treatment.

See also my article 43 reasons couples argue all the time.

All of the above behaviours are obviously unhelpful. However, there’s a deeply-rooted reason we behave as we do.

Why we argue and bicker

The underlying reason for passionately standing up for what we believe is fair and right is common to all of us – we’re attempting to meet our inborn emotional needs.

These essential needs include the need for attention, a sense of control and volition, safety and belonging, fun, friendship and laughter.

So, we’ll fight if we feel out of control, rejected, unsafe, slighted, or disrespected – for real or imagined.

We started creating these patterns of response in our childhood. That’s when we learned from and about the behaviour of our caregivers. And we practised our relationship skills with them, our siblings and friends.

So, neither you nor your partner is necessarily the ogre – you might be imagining they are. It could be that you’re falling into old behaviour which has no place in the present.

Here’s a free printable worksheet to help you discover if you’re meeting your essential emotional needs…

Step 3 in how to stop arguing in a relationship

Instead of completely stopping the arguments, let’s change them! After all, you both do want to be heard by your spouse or partner!

I can bet you’ll feel a ton better by the following.

How to argue better in your relationship

It helps if your partner knows in advance when you want to discuss something important or something that you know would typically cause an argument.

Don’t just hit your partner or spouse with whatever you want to get off your chest. You both need a chance to prepare yourselves for challenging conversations.

So, here’s how you can prepare yourself

10 tips on preparing yourself for a passionate discussion instead of a fight

1. Get the Stop Arguing hypnosis download and listen to it frequently. Self-hypnosis with a professionally-produced audio download is very user-friendly and effective in helping you deal with any issue.
2. Know what you want to achieve in the ideal circumstances and what you’re willing to give up. Remember: it’s not about winning.
3. Consider acceptable alternative solutions or outcomes.
4. Consider how you could be biased. Read up on confirmation bias and attitude polarisation (see Wikipedia links below).
5. Work out what you want to say beforehand, and write it down if necessary.
6. Practise responding calmly to potentially adverse reactions (REALLY important!).
7. Read my article on how to be an emotionally supportive spouse.
8. Be prepared to learn from any criticism – accept or cast it aside if it is destructive (see: How to deal with criticism).
9. Familiarise yourself with the importance of nonverbal communication.

Below are my tips to help you have a constructive discussion without it disintegrating into a full-blown argument.

Step 4. How to stop arguing ineffectively

9 tips on how to argue effectively

1. Make sure both of you are sober and not under the influence of drugs.
2. Make sure that it’s a good time for both of you. You can turn a simple request into a fight by picking the wrong time to ask.
3. Deal with potential distractions in advance – turn off your phones, the TV and the radio etc. 
4. Establish ground rules before you start to ensure a ‘fair fight’ – for example, agree to stay calm and not to allow shouting, name-calling or put-downs etc.
5. Agree to stop or take a break when you fear losing control.
6. Set a time limit on the conversation – perhaps 20 – 30 minutes, depending on the subject, of course.
7. Be aware of your tone of voice – how you say things is often more important than what you say. This is one of my best tips to help you stop arguing!
8. Instead of biting back, be prepared to soothe yourself if your spouse’s response isn’t what you hoped. It would help if you had already practised this.
9. Use humour – but be careful not to use it when the emotions run too high or your partner or spouse doesn’t understand your humour.

Tips to help you restore the balance in your relationship and stop constant arguments

10 tips to help you turn arguments into constructive discussions

1. Invite your partner to help you get the best out of the conversation.
2. Give your partner plenty of time to express themselves.
3. Avoid interrupting – unless they tend to take the opportunity to have a monologue! In that case, tell them you want a turn and hope they’ll listen as intently as you’ve done.
4. Listen out for underlying unmet emotional needs. When you’ve been married or in a relationship for some time, it’s all too easy to lose sight of the fact that you both need to have your essential emotional needs met in balance.
5. Ask questions in a neutral tone, avoid making assumptions and don’t offer solutions (remember my explanation about learning from childhood caregivers?).
6. Remember: listening does not imply that you’re agreeing!
7. Repeat what you think you’ve heard in your own words.
8. Summarise to check that you have understood as much as possible.
9. Ask how the other’s solution will solve the problem without arguments.
10. Ask and ensure that your partner allows you to do the same.

How to argue effectively in a relationship

14 tips to fix your relationship and stop arguing all the time

1. Be specific and focus on one issue at a time – don’t drift into other topics as this will complicate things.
2. Stay on topic – avoid talking about other people and events.
3. Be brief – avoid being wordy or boring your partner with a long monologue.
4. Illustrate your point if necessary – with one or two short examples only. Don’t go on endlessly!
5. Turn complaints into wishes – this is a positive way to stop disagreements from turning into the same arguments each time.
6. Contribute to a positive outcome – you can choose to argue better by not resorting to the same strategy.
7. Accept that you may have to agree to differ – there’s no point in repeating the same statements repeatedly. You’re entitled to your opinions, meaning you may have to accept that your spouse or partner thinks differently.
8. Learn to enjoy giving – instead of taking, without a direct expectation of getting something in return.
9. Build up credit in your emotional bank account. Surprise your partner now and then with a special meal, a gift or a little love note tucked in a pocket or bag. Send romantic text messages, or leave a card in their work bag (learn how to write beautiful (Valentine’s day) card messages, great also for other occasions).
10. Refrain from using communication spoilers – see my article on the signs of emotional abuse.
11. Keep your voice down – shouting leads to closed ears.
12. Practice! It’s easy and fun with my free downloadable Communication Tools for Couples.
13. According to Prof. John Gottman, a well-known relationship researcher, we need five positive experiences for every negative one. To make that happen, read my article on how to build a healthy relationship, How to write loving Thank You notes (link) and The very best Valentine messages (also great for other occasions)
14. Remember to sincerely apologise when you know you’ve screwed up (which we all do)!

Step 5. How to stop arguing and conclude your discussion on a positive note

• Brainstorm together for ideas neither of you had even considered. Make it fun!
• Confirm what each of you is responsible for to ensure a successful outcome and follow-up conversation.
• Discuss the best ways to remind each other of agreements without pressure and arguments.
• Be clear together about what the consequences are for unkept promises.
• Set a date and time when you can revisit the subject (I call it a board meeting when I work with couples)

Step 6 – what to do after an argument

You may not necessarily conclude, but if you’ve managed to have a respectful discussion, you’ve been successful. And a bit of a heated argument would have been okay too.

I recommend that you agree to set a follow-up time. You can carry on your discussion and work on suitable solutions for whatever the problem is at that time.

You might like to decide on a reward after the conversation. Plan something that you’re both looking forward to doing together.

Conversations about complex subjects and everyday niggles, are only a part of your relationship after all. So, take the time to invest in a rewarding activity.

Can’t even be bothered to be nice to each other anymore?

It might be time to seek help when you’re constantly arguing and mean to each other because you can’t be bothered anymore.

Counselling, as an individual or as a couple, can really help to transform your relationship. It’s easy now to set up an online relationship therapy session.

Finally

If you’ve reached this point, I’m so glad you made an effort to learn not how to stop arguing but to argue better in your relationship.

Building a healthy relationship requires skills you can acquire and a commitment to becoming the best partner you can be.

Carry on learning, and know you’re far more capable, stronger and resilient than you think!

I’m rooting for you for happier times. :-)

References

[1] Gottman, J., Silver, N. What Makes Marriage Work? Psychology Today, 19 June 2012, via Psychology Today
[2]British Association of Anger Management. Anger Management Therapy: Keep Your Cool Kit. Via BAAM

Images courtesy of Roger Price