Discover how to talk about money in a relationship

Your 3-step plan to stop arguing about money

Money issues in relationships can lead to breakups, unnecessarily!

Yet, in my experience as a professional couple counsellor, I’ve found that even the most seemingly together couples can still find it difficult to communicate about money.

A couple may have no trouble talking about any other subject. But they either argue about finances or avoid talking about it – until there’s a crisis and/or one of them appears to be lying.

Since you’ve landed on this page, I suspect something’s going awry for you too.

Is one of you perhaps…

• spending too much on a hobby or interest
• a shopaholic
• an impulsive buyer
• feeling that your needs aren’t being met
• not contributing fairly to the household bills
• too controlling with money (and other things)
• putting pressure on the other to change jobs because of poor pay
• simply selfish
• or creating some other distressing scenario with regards to your finances?

In this article, I’ll first help you to look at the problem from a different angle. Then, I’ll cover the essential steps to help you talk about money more easily.

I’ll also talk about what to do if your partner or spouse still refuses to talk about money.

Let’s crack on…

Is it really ‘just’ a money problem?

Arguments about money can be particularly destructive. Why?

Because they almost always involve at least one person feeling insecure about the household’s financial stability.

We all have an essential emotional need for security. For many, stable finances play a crucial role in meeting that need.

What’s that like for you?

Or, could there be another reason for your distress? Are the two of you having additional relationship problems?

Often, what lies beneath arguments about money is one of the following issues:

1. One partner or spouse feels the other isn’t really committed to the relationship.
2. One partner feels out of control (either because of the other’s behaviour or their own feelings, thoughts and behaviour).
3. One partner resents being treated unfairly – it’s the principle that matters.

These three issues can often be traced back to childhood experiences of not being treated fairly, family chaos and/or abandonment. See this CNN article about the link between childhood traumas and money.

Maybe your or your partner’s parents were dreadful with money. Or perhaps you were aware of how poor (or rich) the family was.

Maybe you thought that your siblings were getting more than you. Or perhaps, if you’re really honest, you know you were spoilt as a child, and now you can’t bear not getting what you want.

There’s no doubt that the patterns set in childhood form the foundations of how we deal with life as an adult. That is, until we figure out how these patterns affect us and take conscious control.

Let’s then start with Step 1 in learning how to talk about money issues in your relationship.

Step 1 in how to talk about money in your relationship

How to stop your past from dictating your future

Time to dig in deeper…

I know that might feel scary, depending on your childhood experiences.

But if you don’t, the past patterns will continue to repeat throughout the future. And you may find yourself repeatedly falling into the same traps.

You may often feel out of control with little awareness of how you got into that situation/relationship again.

Begin, then by asking yourself the following three questions:

1. Did I feel secure as a child?
   If not, what was happening to make me feel insecure?
2. Did I think my concerns were listened to?
   If not, why not?
3. Did I think that I was treated fairly?
   If not, what was happening? Who got more than I did and why? Did I often feel jealous?

These are tough questions to ask and think about, I know. But they’re critical as these issues are likely to contribute to arguments about money in your relationship.

Imagine the impact of the above on any of the following scenarios:

• You’re feeling insecure because you’re not (or are no longer) financially independent.
• You’re feeling insecure because of a crisis in your relationship, e.g. your partner having an affair.
• Your job is no longer secure.
• You suspect or know that you’re contributing more to the household bills than your partner.
• Your collective debts are getting out of control.
• You’re no longer able to service your personal debts.

Only when you can verbalise precisely what your concerns are about your finances and where they stem from can you come up with effective solutions.

When you’ve answered the above questions you are well-prepared for the next step as you’ve expanded your awareness.

Now it’s time to discover how to stop arguing about money and talk about money in your relationship more fruitfully.

Step 2 in how to talk about money in your relationship

Set the scene for an easier conversation

You may have already tried to talk to your partner. But, if talking about money in your relationship turned into arguments, chances are it would have left you feeling angry and frustrated.

Or, maybe you’ve avoided talking about your finances altogether.

You might have changed the topic whenever your partner or spouse wanted to talk about money. Perhaps you’ve buried your head in the sand, hoping that somehow your finances would magically fix themselves.

However, as with all relationship problems, communication is key! You do need to be able to communicate openly and honestly about your joint and individual financial wants and needs.

Communication is a fine art, though, and much can go wrong, even when you set out with the best intentions.

The good news is that you can acquire the necessary communication skills over time. And, you don’t need to solve all your problems, including your money issues, in just a single conversation.

So, here’s how to set yourself up for a more successful conversation about the money issues in your relationship.

How to approach your partner or spouse

1. Write down precisely what the problem is from your point of view. State it clearly as a fact in no more than a few sentences (remember the importance of Step 1)
2. Next, write down what you feel about the situation (but no pointing the finger here. Don’t say anything that starts with: “You make me…“. This isn’t about blame). Include what you’ve learnt about your past and how you think that might be affecting your money worries now. Own your role in the arguments, and apologise if necessary.
3. Ask: “How can we sort this out together?“
   Or say, “I really need your help with this.“
   Adapt this wording to suit your needs and situation – without slipping in any blame or shame! I think you might find my article about arguing fairly helpful

I’ll go into more detail about the best way to talk to your partner a little further down the page. For now, onto the next step…

Step 3 in how to talk about money in your relationship

Sort out your paperwork first for a more fruitful conversation

If your paperwork is a mess, it’s time to bite the bullet and take charge. Be brave, determined and energetic – and sort it yourself if your partner isn’t ready to cooperate.

Sorting out your financial paperwork will not resolve your money problems or the conflict between the two of you (sorry!).

But taking personal responsibility for your record-keeping will inject some order into the chaos (if indeed that’s part of the problem). You may even be able to encourage your partner or spouse to do the same.

Importantly, you’re likely to feel a great deal better for having taken positive action.

Now for a little more help with brushing up your communication skills for when you’re trying to deal with money issues in your relationship:

5 tips on what to say when talking about money in your relationship

1. State your values and beliefs
   Let your partner know your values and beliefs regarding money.
   Do you like to pay for everything on time and save whenever you can?
   Or are you a risk-taker who prefers to live just for today?
   There’s no right or wrong way to be here. But you need to be clear about your values and beliefs and make sure you understand those of your partner.
   
2. Take each other’s feelings into consideration
   Talk about what you’ve learnt about yourself, or perhaps what you’ve learnt about your partner (without making accusations).
   Both of your concerns about money need to be voiced and understood – you’re not mind readers after all! So, don’t be afraid to ask questions – out of curiosity, not to point the finger.
   
3. Get the facts right
   As mentioned before, if your financial paperwork is a mess, it needs sorting first. Guesswork, melodrama or lies will only fuel arguments. You can only negotiate and make adjustments when the facts are on the table.
   When you’re dealing with the facts, talk only about facts.
   Avoid at all costs: “You idiot“, or, “You’re so selfish.“
   Instead, say something like: 
   “That bill was higher than we had budgeted for“, or…
   “We hadn’t taken that spending into account.“
   Here’s an excellent app for couples to help you get it all straightened out: https://goodbudget.com/
   
4. Take a long-term view
   Dare to look at how you deal with money now in the context of the future of your relationship.
   I’ve listed below the potential changes and demands that may one day affect your finances. Even if you’re on a survival-only budget right now, it may help you think about your long-term plans and any potential risks.
   
5. Negotiate
   Before having a conversation with your partner, you need to think about what you consider the best solution, leaving room for negotiation.

Arguments aren’t unusual in relationships, and money can be a particularly delicate issue. So rest assured that fighting about finances isn’t necessarily bad in itself.

However, even if you can’t completely resolve your money issues, you do need to be able to reach a compromise.

If you’d like more help with your communication skills, I’ve got you covered with my free Loving Communication Kit for Couples.

Life has a way of creating money problems and issues

Change is just part of life. And a shift in your circumstances can have a significant impact on your financial stability. It’s wise to expect these changes to impact your relationship.

Here are some examples of the kinds of changes you may face during the lifetime of your relationship or marriage. Any of these will have an impact on your household budget…

10 ways your financial situation may change

1. You take out a significant loan, e.g. a mortgage
2. One of you becomes a stay-at-home mum or dad
3. Your children go to college
4. You retire
5. You lose your job
6. An unexpected or significant increase in costs means your money runs out before the end of the month
7. One of you wants (or needs) to make a significant personal purchase which requires joint funds, e.g. to pay for a course, to help build a business, to buy a car, etc
8. One of you suddenly receives a large sum of money, e.g. an inheritance
9. Your debts have piled up, and your bank is no longer willing to support you – you’re at risk of losing everything
10. You become ill, or one of you sadly dies (harsh and tough to talk about this isn’t it!)
11. Worldwide money issues.

Some of these changes won’t come out of the blue. That means you’ll have the opportunity to plan together how you’ll adapt to new circumstances with less or more money.

Other changes might happen suddenly and totally unexpectedly. You will get through the crisis hopefully together, providing you communicate effectively.

What to do if your partner doesn’t want to talk about money

Perhaps you’ve followed my steps to get your partner or spouse on board in dealing with the money problems. But what if they still don’t want to cooperate?

In that case, here’s what you can do next…

Tip #1: Get help

Consider if there’s anyone in your family, your partner’s family, your social circle or your community who may be able to talk to your partner.

Of course, your finances are private between the two of you, so I don’t recommend that you reveal the details to a third party.

Instead, a trusted person may just be able to help your partner see that you need them to help you deal with the problems.

I also highly recommend you talk (or write) to a professional relationship therapist.

I suspect that there are other aspects of your relationship that aren’t working either.

Money and financial worries probably aren’t the only things that make you unhappy right now. A little support and advice from a trained coach can help you start mending anything that needs a touch of TLC.

If that can’t or doesn’t help, you may need to consider Step 2.

Tip #2: Secure your personal financial situation

Suppose your partner remains unwilling to sort out the problems. In that case, I’m afraid you have little choice but to take steps to ensure your own financial security.

I know that’s probably really hard to hear, and I appreciate that the two of you may be financially dependent on each other. However, if your partner’s attitude to money means you’re tumbling into debt, you have to take control.

And if you have children, their sense of security most definitely needs to be taken into account too.

Finally

Dealing with money issues in a relationship can be challenging, for sure. But a financial crisis doesn’t have to spell disaster. And, there’s so much more to the two of you than your bank balance (or lack thereof!).

If you communicate honestly and respectfully, and if your relationship is healthy, you have every chance of reaching agreements about money.

You won’t necessarily always think the same way about spending and saving. Even though you now know a little about how to talk about money in a relationship, that doesn’t mean you’ll never argue about money again.

However, if you apply at least some of what you’ve learnt, you’ll be doing sooo much better in dealing with money issues in your relationship!