How to stop your adult children from ruining your new relationship or marriage

Can your grownup children really be so ‘selfish’?

So, your adult children don’t like your new partner and are potentially ruining the relationship. They may have told you they don’t like him/her/them and won’t accept them.

They may even ‘hate’ you for what you’re supposed to be doing to them, even though they’re adults.

Doubtless, you’ll wonder now if your relationship can survive or whether you have to face a complete relationship breakdown.

Maybe you recognise any of the following…

Your adult children are…

• refusing to meet your new partner
• not including them in cards and invitations
• ignoring them at family events
• unpleasant, disrespectful or even verbally abusive towards them.

They’re letting you know, in every possible way, that they won’t accept them. Unsurprisingly, your partner may have started to wonder if they’re wasting their time trying to make the relationship work.

How very sad and painful this is for you.

So, let’s get cracking in sorting it all out.

My aim is to help you first understand what might be going on for your kids. Without understanding what could possibly underlie your kids’ feelings, you won’t find the best solution.

Further down, we’ll look at ways to help encourage your children to accept your new partner.

Why are those children so ‘selfish’ and ‘nasty’?

You and your partner are in love. You’re both (hopefully) thrilled that you’ve got another chance at happiness in a committed relationship.

You may have been very cautious about how and when you told your children you’re in love… but the news clearly hasn’t gone down well. And, after having introduced your new love, no matter what you do, your kids continue to refuse to accept them.

Why can they not be pleased you’ve found some happiness? After all, they’re adults leading their own lives. Why should they want to interfere with yours?

Let’s see what might be happening for them…

10 reasons why your children can’t accept your new love (and even ‘hate’ you or them)

1. As a family, you’ve found building relationships always difficult

The more troubled your family was before you split up, the less flexible and more fearful your kids probably are of losing what they’ve got. Therefore, the more defensive they are.

They’ve learned to protect themselves from any further pain in what might have been an emotionally fragile environment.

Perhaps they’ve not had much chance to practice conflict management skills and make mistakes in an emotionally secure environment. Their energy had to go into managing difficult situations as best they could.

That may mean they’re emotionally less mature than you might hope. Therefore, for example, your 20-year-old might act like a teen at times.

2. Your family was a close-knit unit

You were all really close before the breakup (or the death of your spouse or partner). And, now your adult children may be going through the following:

• They haven’t yet come to terms with the losses associated with the breakup.
• They have not had time to process what’s happened.
• You and your spouse haven’t been able to provide the emotional support they needed because you were too distressed yourself.
• They haven’t yet learned to cope with the upheaval and all the changes they’ve had to face.

Whatever the reason, if they haven’t overcome the hurt of the breakup or death of a parent, they definitely won’t have the capacity to welcome a new member of the family.

3. Long-standing jealousy and/or resentment

One or more of your kids may already have been feeling resentful or jealous for a whole host of reasons. Unfortunately, your partner’s arrival may have exacerbated those underlying issues. And now your new partner has become the scapegoat.

• Your partner is likely to be extra attentive toward you, especially since the relationship is so new. Your kids could be resentful because they’re angry with you. They might blame you for the breakup of your marriage, for example.
• You may now also spend more time with your new love, where you may have been with your children in the past.
• Your kids may also have a problem if they have to witness your kissing and cuddling someone other than their other parent. They may consider it over-the-top or inappropriate.

4. Your children are protective of the absent parent

Here’s what they may go through:

• They feel fiercely protective of their other parent. They’d go to great lengths to shield them from further pain.
• They resent you for finding someone new and having ‘abandoned’ their mother/father.
• They feel like they have to choose between their parents and pick a side. Chances are now that it’s left you out of favour.

To learn more about the pressures on kids during separation and divorce, read my article How divorce affects children and Breaking up with children involved.

5. The children are protecting themselves

Here’s what your adult ‘selfish'(?) kids might think:

• They feel that their other parent will be angry if they accept (or even like) their partner.
• They perceive acceptance of your new love as a betrayal of their other parent.
• The other parent has told them point-blank that accepting, liking and spending time with the new arrival is a betrayal.

6. The children are still grieving their losses

Be that through the death of a parent or the loss of a stable home through the breakup.

This is what your kids may be experiencing:

• Their other parent also has a new relationship, and now they feel ‘abandoned’ by you both.
• They haven’t gotten over the loss of your previous home.
• They miss the familiarity of previous routines.
• They’re having trouble dealing with the loss of your attention.
• If their dad or mother has died, they’re still dealing with a multitude of losses.

Grief is often a complex and often lengthy process. Any child (even an adult child) still grieving the loss of their parents’ relationship simply won’t be ready to see their mum or dad in the arms of someone other than their biological parent.

7. They’ve been through it all before

Perhaps several times! You or your ex might have even married twice, and your kids have not had the best experience being a step-child, even as an adult.

In that case, they’re unlikely to see the point of investing in building a relationship with yet another love interest.

They’ll think that this relationship won’t last either, and your partner will be gone again in X months.

8. They’re angry because of the way they found out

It makes a huge difference in how the children learn about their parent’s investment in a new relationship.

So, how did your kids find out?

• Was it accidentally, through a public display of affection?
• Did they come across some communication – text, letter, or email?
• Did they hear from their other parent, friends or neighbours?
• Were they told lies about your whereabouts and relationship status (possibly with the best of intentions)?
• Were you having an affair, and was the secret catastrophically exposed?

Or were the children told carefully, with their feelings of anger, hurt, doubt, and angst listened to and acknowledged?

And, even if they were told in the best way possible, they still might have a hard time coming to terms with the relationship – for any or all of these reasons listed here.

9. You’re still emotionally attached to your ex or the deceased spouse

This is particularly relevant if your spouse has died. You may still be grieving and nowhere ready for a new relationship. And the children know it!

Or perhaps your spouse left you, you didn’t choose to end the relationship, and you haven’t been able to get over your ex.

Whatever the reason, if the children know you are still deeply attached to their other parent, they’ll have a hard time letting a new partner into the picture.

10. Your kids do not trust your new partner

You’ll need to figure out if their rejection of your new partner is because they don’t trust them.

The question is, why not?

• Have the two of you met online?
• Is there a significant age difference?
• Are they worried about any cultural differences?
• Are they worried you’ve been catfished?

Why you might be struggling to keep the peace

Let’s look at why you might feel so conflicted.

Here are some possible explanations (not excuses!):

• You’re feeling guilty…
  … about not spending enough time with their children.
  … for causing the breakup of the family.
• You feel at the mercy of your ex…
  … for preserving the love of your children.
  … for a successful outcome of a yet-to-be-finalised divorce.
• You’ve always tried to please your offspring if only to prevent them from having a go at you.
  You may have had problems setting firm, appropriate boundaries even when the children were young.
• You worry you’ll lose your kids…
  …if you don’t do what they’re asking of you (or what you think they want you to do.)
• You only see one choice – you choose your children’s needs over your partner’s. Too many emotions are getting in the way of clear thinking – about alternatives and compromises.

Dealing with the emotional fallout from your adult children will no doubt be taking its toll. It can drain your energy and cause sleepless nights. You feel torn between building a new relationship and keeping your adult children happy.

It’s likely sapping your partner’s energy also.

Your partner will have felt hurt by your children’s comments and the fact that you don’t get along.

Or, worse, your kids have refused to meet them at all, no matter how hard they’ve tried. That kind of cold, hard rejection hurts so much that it involves the same pathways in the brain as physical pain!

I won’t be surprised if both of you are beginning to see signs of an impending relationship breakdown.

What about your partner’s role?

Your partner is likely to have noticed the atmosphere and how you’re trying to keep the peace. They’ll probably have an opinion on that too…

Maybe you’re not firm enough, perhaps you should ignore them, or not invite or listen to them, etc.

For them, it might be really frustrating not to be able to do more than watch you trying to build bridges with seemingly little success.

Perhaps they also have to deal with resistance from their offspring.

However, your partner may also be part of the problem.

Your kids don’t want a new ‘mother’ or ‘father’

Here’s how your kids may see your partner:

• They’re trying too hard.
• They’re being too friendly.
• They’re overstepping personal boundaries.
• They’re behaving as if they ‘own the place’.

So, what can you do? Is there hope? 

We’ll start with the tricky bit: managing your expectations…

Expect this to be a long-term issue

I’m afraid you’ll have to be patient with the children – it might take some time before you’re all getting along.

I truly understand if you hoped I’d come up with a different bit of advice here!

Also, know that…

• Some of those relationship issues may never be resolved.
• Continuing to appease the children without any evidence of progress isn’t helpful. There has to be a compromise on both sides.
• If the children aren’t willing to compromise on a particular issue after a reasonable time, stop trying.
• Accept that you can’t change your partner or your children. They will only change when they see the need. If they’ll ever accept your partner, they’ll do it in their own time.
• Suppose you feel you can’t stand the situation any longer. In that case, I highly recommend you get some expert help, support and relationship advice.

What to do when your grown sons and daughters are causing a rift in your relationship

Before moving on to my 3 steps toward a more hopeful future, here’s what to do when your grownup kids are potentially ruining your relationship.

7 ways to make a stand when your kids don’t like your new partner

1. Accept that your and your children’s perspectives are different

Your son(s) or daughter(s) may be experiencing loss, grief, anger, hurt, resentment or frustration.

On the other hand, you and your partner probably feel happy together and hopeful about the future.

Acknowledging that your perspectives and feelings may be poles apart can help create understanding and patience in a difficult situation.

2. Make it clear that your partner will never take the place of their biological mother or father

Let them know that you’re in no way trying to be a parent. Let the children know that they don’t have to love or like your new partner or spouse.

But equally, be clear that your partner or spouse deserves to be treated with respect and common courtesy at the very least.

3. Ask that the grownups respectfully accept that the situation is what it is

You and your partner are in a relationship. Again, they don’t have to like it. But they also have no right to manipulate either one of you and sabotage the relationship. Neither can they be allowed to be deliberately cruel towards you or your partner.

And let them know that you remain open to a conversation about the situation.

4. Let the children know that you hope for their generosity of spirit

Tell them how much their acceptance and acknowledgement would mean to you both and how much you’re hoping that, eventually, you’ll all get along.

5. Know that it’s unreasonable for your partner always to play second fiddle

You can’t keep putting your grown kids first on every occasion.

However, your partner needs to accept that you come ‘as a package’ with your children.

6. Be yourself and self-reliant

Ensure that your happiness, self-respect and self-esteem aren’t dependent on what your children think and what happens in this relationship.

If you’re at all unsure about this relationship, I recommend you take my comprehensive relationship compatibility test.

7. Get professional help

If the situation seems hopeless, I highly recommend talking it over with a professional relationship coach. They can support you and help you to find the best way forward. Click here for further information on online relationship coaching.

3 steps toward a more hopeful future

1. Acknowledge the limits of your power.
   Acknowledge what you can’t control and won’t change based on your experience so far.
2. Use the information in this article to identify precisely where the problems lie for each party.
   “The children are feeling….., therefore I can…..”
   “My partner feels… , therefore I can…..”
   “I feel….., therefore I need to…..”
3. Decide where your boundaries lie.
   Face up to what you can and can’t accept and consider whether this relationship has a real chance of survival.

We’re talking about grownup children

You’re too old now to waste your time. Step up to the plate – don’t just hang on in there hoping that something will happen. You might otherwise find that your partner decides they’ve had enough and ends the relationship.

Who knows, your children might come around eventually. It may take some time, but it might happen sooner than you think if you’re more determined. 

There’s one caveat: if your children are young adults and are still fairly dependent on you, they will still need you.

There may be times when you’ll want to put their needs first.

In that case, you’ll need to be clear with your partner that that’s what you’ll be doing.

Can’t see the difficulties ever being resolved?

In that case, you have a choice.

1. Reset your expectations, as suggested earlier. Aim to see your relationship problems as challenges that can be overcome with hard work or need to be managed. Focus on what you have instead of what you can’t have.
2. Failing this, know that walking away from this relationship could be the right decision for everyone involved, most of all you. And remember, there’s no shame in asking for help. Talking it all over with a professional relationship expert can really help.

Mull over what you’ve learnt from this article and take the time to self-reflect, consider and decide firmly on your needs, wants and boundaries. 

Then set a time for a calm, considered, open and honest conversation with your children and your partner (perhaps best separately under the circumstances. Tell them how you’re feeling and what you truly want and expect from your relationship with each grownup.

To prepare yourself for such challenging conversations, start by reading my articles on communication skills.

• How to argue better
• Why do couples argue all the time
• Communication Tools for Couples (a whole bundle free of charge)

Finally

It helps to know where the problems lie and where to direct your energies precisely.

So, I hope the above has enabled you to understand better the situation and your ‘selfish’ grownup children.

Take steps to change what can be changed and accept what can’t.

With a little time, effort, patience and understanding, there may still be a chance that your adult children will come to accept your partner.

Sure, they won’t necessarily treat them like their new best friend. Still, there’s plenty of room for mutual respect and recognition of each other.