Are you ‘just’ watching or are you addicted to porn?

Check the porn (or erotica) addiction symptoms and signs

Part 1, Part 2

Think you might be addicted to pornography (or does your partner believe you are)? Curious or even desperate to know if your behaviour is normal or not? And, if you are addicted – what you can do to help yourself?

If you think you’re addicted to porn, you’re at least aware that you’re spending too much time thinking about, watching and engaging in anything sex-related. I include erotica here – just in case you thought that wouldn’t count. ;-) According to Prof Jeff Logue, erotica is more relational and favoured by women, while men tend to use pornography. *)

I’m delighted that you’ve landed on this page – it hopefully means you’re perhaps ready to challenge yourself, confront your addiction and start turning your life around.

Based on my 24 years of experience as a professional (couples) counsellor, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to acknowledge that your behaviour may be out of control.

Maybe you’ve realised you’ve become totally dependent on porn and in need of a daily or even hourly dose. Doubtless, you’ve kept that side of you hidden, meaning you’ve lived a lie, possibly even for years. I suspect you -sadly – feel pretty isolated and lonely.

Chances are you avoided being confronted with the gradual progression of your interest in soft-core to hard-core porn or how much time you spent satisfying your cravings. I suspect it’s a daily battle to try and contain your urges. You’re likely to experience an ever-increasing need for stronger stimulation. 

It makes no difference which sexual behaviours you engage in, be it masturbation, use of (internet) pornography, prostitution, multiple affairs, chat-room or online (cyber) sex, or any number of other sexual behaviours – legal or illegal.

Remember, though, there’s a difference between doing something frequently and being addicted!

So, let’s start by figuring out if, indeed, you’re addicted to porn.

Could you really be addicted to porn or erotica?

It’s a little tricky to classify a porn addiction. There are no definite signs and symptoms of sex addiction in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM v), which doctors use to aid the diagnosis of mental illness.

Also, there’s a disagreement between professionals about whether or not addiction is the correct label to use. There are no standard measures for deciding when, where and how often you should or shouldn’t engage in sexual behaviours. So, it’s a bit of a grey area!

But one thing’s for sure: addictive behaviour concerning porn is increasingly common, and it ruins the lives of everyone involved. (That’s not a judgement, by the way! Just a sad fact.)

Let’s put all of this into a broader context – watch this video to learn how porn addiction works…

An addiction, or simply normal behaviour?

Just because you like watching porn, reading erotic material, engaging in internet sex or visiting sex workers doesn’t necessarily mean you’re out of control and addicted.

Fantasies are not a measure of addiction either. Neither is masturbation because you’re bored, feeling anxious or depressed (more on that later), or having sex outside of a committed relationship. 

You may have started exploring sex or watching porn initially as an escape from the stress or boredom of everyday life. Or you might have considered yourself to have a high sex drive that couldn’t be satisfied by a single person or relationship.

Whatever your particular circumstances and desires, your initial choices were based on your wants, needs, awareness, knowledge, values and beliefs.

But because you’ve found yourself on this page, I suspect your choices have started to make you feel uncomfortable. And I’d guess that your behaviour has increasingly had a negative impact on you, including any or all of the following:

• your mental health
• your finances (chance is you’ve lied about money)
• your social well-being
• your view of the world
• your loved ones.

You might feel that you can no longer control your urges and desires. You might also have an overwhelming need to satisfy your cravings instantly – and you might find yourself acting on that need more and more often.

If your preoccupation with porn negatively impacts any area of your life, it’s definitely something you need to address.

Let’s get cracking to see if you are addicted to porn.

Porn addiction test

Take this porn addiction test to see where you’re at. There’s no need to fill in your email address – it’s completely anonymous, and you’ll see the result immediately underneath the button.

Signs you’re addicted to pornography

The effects of your porn addiction or use on your partner or spouse

Some other signs and symptoms aren't necessarily indications of porn addiction, but they could all point toward a bigger problem in the proper context. In any case, they definitely don't contribute to a well-balanced sexual relationship. 

12 signs you're addicted to porn

1. You're increasingly critical of your partner's attractiveness - your choice of porn stars (often surgically enhanced) differs from your partner's appearance.
2. You've no patience for foreplay and gently pleasuring your partner.
3. Your goal is to climax because you're only interested in giving yourself the feeling that comes from the surge of dopamine.
4. You're finding real-life sex doesn't offer sufficient stimulation because you've become accustomed to increasingly stronger triggers.
5. You're being secretive about your (online) behaviour. You may hide it because you know your partner's values and beliefs (or even your own) don't match your online taste for sex.
6. You're no longer interested in having sex with your partner - you find it just doesn't offer any satisfaction anymore.
7. You're frequently lying and desperate to avoid being found out and held to account.
8. You avoid or become angry at your partner's attempts to talk about sex and your behaviour (if they still dare to talk about it!).
9. You've requested that your partner tries out different sexual acts without taking their likes/dislikes, level of comfort or degree of pain into consideration.
10. You're feeling increasingly distant from your partner - you're just not present in your relationship.
11. You're being abusive towards your partner - mentally, emotionally or physically.
12. You feel like you're leading a secret or double life.

If any of the above sounds familiar, it's absolutely time to take responsibility for your behaviour. No matter the circumstances, there's no excuse for one partner mistreating another (see: Signs of a toxic relationship).

The need for sex and relief can suddenly become an all-encompassing urge. As with any addiction (sometimes classified as a disease), it can feel impossible to overcome the cravings with willpower alone.

However, you alone remain responsible for your behaviour - and it is possible to kick a habit if you're willing to do the work.

What does 'being addicted' really mean?

A craving, compulsion, obsession or addiction occurs in a trance state. A trance state is a very natural state of mind. As human beings, we all float in and out of trance states numerous times during the day. It's a state of mind in which your attention is locked on a very narrow focus. You're barely aware of your surroundings and the passing of time. Values and beliefs fade into the background or disappear whilst your imagination runs the show.

Here are some examples of when you're focused on a task to the exclusion of everything else:

• When you're practising something
• When you're trying to solve a problem
• When you're about to win a race
• When you're listening to or watching something that completely absorbs you (pornography!)
• When you're watching or hearing something truly amazing or inspiring 
• When you're overcome by emotions, e.g. anger, fear or depression, or lust or want (craving for porn or sex)

Given that trance states are natural, you can see that the state of mind itself is not the problem. Instead, in the case of addiction, it's what your mind focuses on that's the problem. And when it comes to addiction, that trance state is hijacked - in this case by porn - with an ever-decreasing pleasure and ever-increasing demand for stronger (novel) stimulation.

The link between porn and other addictions

We know now that, as human beings, we're more at risk of becoming addicted to something (anything) when life doesn't play out the way we'd hoped. Almost invariably, that means that our emotional needs aren't being met in balance.

So if you have become addicted to porn, it wouldn't just be a coincidence if you're also addicted to other things, e.g. food, spending money, gambling, drugs, gaming or alcohol. Any kind of addictive behaviour is indicative of below-the-surface unhappiness or discontent.

The good news, though?

It's absolutely within your power to fix it.

Aiming to meet our essential emotional needs in balance gives us the best chance of living a contented, fulfilling life.

Here's a free printable worksheet to help you assess if your emotional needs are being met.

Let's now look at effective self-help strategies to help you stop your porn addiction. 

Hop over to Part 2 for info on porn addiction help.