What to do when your partner or spouse is lying about money

Your partner, wife or husband lies and hides things 

You have landed here because you noticed signs your partner or spouse is lying about money.

Your spouse may be hiding money and debts and even compulsively lie about their financial matters, meaning you’ve probably never really trusted them.

So, I suspect you want to confirm you’re right, find out what is going on and, most of all, what to do about it.

Their dishonesty can be particularly scary if it’s already tough to get by until the next paycheque (paycheck in US English).

Perhaps they’re not only lying about their finances, but they lie about anything and everything.

And we’re not even talking about any other relationship issues you might have on top of his secrecy.

So, let me help you!

I imagine your suspicions have arisen because of:

• A chance comment from someone else
• The discovery of an unaccounted-for receipt
• An unrecognisable entry on a bank statement
• A suspicious email, letter or text
• Far greater expenses than you’d accounted for, thought reasonable or expected
• Increasing (credit card) debts
• Maxed-out bank- or credit cards which left you most embarrassed
• A secret bank account you’ve discovered
• An accumulation of different things that just don’t add up.

Is your partner, wife or husband always lying?

Then hop over to my article on what to do when your spouse is lying all the time.

No wonder you’re on the hunt for more evidence to confirm your suspicions and information, particularly if your spouse is compulsively lying about money.

You need to know if your fears are unfounded or if you’re dealing with serious money issues or marital problems.

Here’s what you might have discovered…

9 signs your partner or spouse is lying to you about money

Here’s what financial infidelity looks like:

1. Without your knowledge, your partner or spouse has applied for loans in your name.
2. You’ve discovered evidence of a secret joint loan.
3. They’ve opened credit card accounts in your name.
4. They’ve opened personal credit card accounts in their name.
5. They’ve made out-of-the-ordinary purchases on credit cards.
6. They’ve failed to pay bills as agreed.
7. They’ve been saving money without your knowledge.
8. They’ve been borrowing from joint savings or other bank accounts.
9. They’re lying because of undisclosed (credit card) debts.

Financial infidelity can be just as devastating as any other type of cheating.

Depending on the amount of money involved, it can jeopardise your financial security and, thereby, your emotional well-being. Both are even more worrisome if you have children.

It’s perfectly fair to expect your partner to be honest and upfront so that the two of you can openly discuss your finances. If that’s not the case, discovering that your partner has been leading a secret life can be devastating.

So in this article, I hope to help you get to grips with it all.

Let’s start by looking at the potential reason(s) for their lies…

Why your spouse is lying to you about money

First of all, know I’m in no way judging you or your partner and their lying about money. The list below isn’t designed to paint either of you as the villain.

I aim to help you figure out what’s happening because unless you know and understand the reasons for your spouse’s behaviour, it’s hard to identify the right solution.

So, let’s start with why your spouse is lying about money…

14 reasons your partner could be telling lies about money and hiding things

1. They’re planning a surprise for you! :-)
2. They’re embarrassed about how much they’re spending or the products or services they’re buying.
3. They feel ashamed of their spending habits and piled-up debts.
4. They have narcissistic tendencies.
5. They like the sense of control deception can give.
6. They may have had a difficult childhood. Maybe they had learning challenges and have developed a habit of lying and hiding things for fear of being ‘discovered’.
7. They may be a compulsive liar – lying not only about money.
8. They may be cheating on you (see: Signs of a cheating spouse or partner).
9. They’re addicted to gambling.
10. They have a shopping addiction.
11. They’re addicted to adult material.
12. Their secrets are part of a bigger pattern of abuse. See my article on the signs of an abusive relationship.
13. They’ve been catfished.
14. Or there are several of these factors at play.

Now, take a deep breath because the following could be a bit challenging for you.

But I must bring up your role in the situation. I’m a couples therapist after all, and we look at both sides!

Let’s look at things from your partner’s point of view. Their thoughts and feelings may not reflect what’s happening. However, they may give you a clue about the reason for their secrecy.

• They find you too controlling, leaving them little freedom to make their own decisions, particularly when you want to control all the money.
• They consider you to be tight with money.
• They think you don’t trust them, even though they’ve never done anything to betray your trust.
• They anticipate that you’ll be going on about something you disagree with for ages, and they can’t be doing with the hassle.
• They consider that you often make a mountain out of a molehill.
• They think your spending habits are unfair and you don’t value their opinion.

Have the above lists set you thinking or does none of it apply to you?

Or could there be other things at play I haven’t mentioned here?

Have you ever helped settle your partner’s debts?

If so, you may feel – like so many people in your situation – ashamed and silly for allowing yourself to be ‘tricked’.

If so, please, don’t beat yourself up over this – doubtless, you thought you had good reasons to help them out.

Perhaps you were already deeply into the relationship when your partner revealed (or you discovered) that they were in debt. Maybe you were contemplating a future with your partner and wanted a clean slate before starting together.

Or perhaps you ended up paying the bulk for big joint purchases.

Accept that you did what you thought was right.

Regardless of what happened, the above does point in the direction of your spouse having financial issues.

What to do when your partner or spouse lies about their finances

7 tips to help you deal with your partner’s lies and betrayal

On discovering that your partner has been lying about money for whatever reason, it’s understandable if you feel knocked off your perch. 

You’ll need to take action as soon as possible, though. Debts only accumulate.

1. Accept that you’re going to be in shock if you’ve just discovered the extent of your spouse’s dishonesty.

I promise you it won’t last. Give it 10 – 14 days, and you’ll feel a little more in control of your emotions again.

2. Gather evidence

Do this before you have another conversation about the problem. You’ll want to be ready with the evidence when you talk to your partner about their lies and other actions behind your back.

3. Take responsibility

If you’ve never concerned yourself much with the household budget, now is the time to take control. If numbers aren’t your thing, ask a trusted friend or family member to help you.

Remember also what you’ve read about your role in the relationship.

4. Give your partner the opportunity to be open and truthful instead of lying and being secretive about money.

It would be understandable if you were to shout, holler and accuse, particularly if they’re a compulsive liar.

But! It would also raise their defences, meaning you won’t stand a chance of getting to the bottom of the problem.

For ideas on encouraging your partner to be honest with you, read my article on how to deal with your partner’s shopping addiction (even if that’s not the source of the problem).

5. Don’t expect a change in behaviour

Depending on the origin of your spouse’s problem, they may not be willing or able to change their behaviour.

6. Take my relationship test

You might also be wondering if your marriage is worth saving. My comprehensive relationship test can help you figure it out.

Much will depend on how your spouse will react to being confronted.

7. Get help

Speak to someone at your bank, a debt counsellor or a financial advisor. Remember to record names, dates, and what was said and agreed.

I also recommend that you connect with an online expert relationship coach. They can help you figure out how best to repair the damage to your relationship or marriage.

In addition, to help you cope with those feelings of anxiety, disappointment, anger and frustration, I highly recommend self-hypnosis.

Self-hypnosis aided by a professionally produces audio download is user-friendly, affordable and above all – effective.

See my article: Self-hypnosis FAQ and downloads to discover how it could help you cope better.

We’ll take a look now at any further consequences…

Which scenario fits your situation?

The impact of your partner’s financial betrayal depends to a large extent on the general state of your relationship and your stage in life:

• Just moved in together
• Just starting a family
• Waving the kids off to university
• Divorce around the corner
• And anything in between!

The discovery of financial infidelity and spending problems impacts each scenario differently. Each will require a different approach.

However, the emotional fallout of financial infidelity is likely similar to your spouse cheating on you by having an affair.

So, you may find my article on surviving infidelity (link) helpful.

If you’re still committed to making your relationship work, let’s get cracking…

How to stop your spouse from spending too much

Firstly, you should ideally have a ‘good enough’ relationship and fundamentally be supportive of each other.

Secondly, the two of you need to have discussed your budget in detail, and both have agreed. Deciding who gets to spend and how much needs to be a joint decision.

Trying to curb your spouse’s spending habits, as explained below, involves gathering evidence. That means snooping on your partner, which is definitely not something I would typically recommend.

Please note

Your spouse has a right to their privacy. You don’t have to know about every single purchase.

So, only use the advice below if you strongly suspect your spouse or partner is lying to you and/or their spending makes it difficult for you to cover the essential bills.

1. Gather evidence of your spouse’s spending

Take screenshots (link to how to make screenshots), and download credit card statements (if you have access to the accounts). Search for hidden purchases.

2. Avoid arguing

The purpose of the conversation is to figure out what’s happening to your spouse and your finances. So, first read my article on how to argue fairly (link).

3. Confront your spouse with the evidence

Confronting your spouse is going to be tricky. The only way you may succeed in getting them to open up is by being non-confrontational!

Give them space to explain what’s going on for them. Listen intently, being curious about what led your spouse to ly about money. Remember your own role!

4. Tell them how you feel about hiding their finances from you

1. Say something like: I feel let down / hurt / worried / disappointed / angry / frustrated.
2. Then explain calmly what the consequences of their spending problems are in your view
   Stick to the facts only without any accusations.
3. Ask how you can help – NOT by paying their bills and covering their debts, but by assisting them in changing their spending habits.

You could also suggest they access professional help and close accounts, reducing regular outgoings, cancelling subscriptions, cutting up cards, etc.

Is your spouse lying about money because they’re dealing with an addiction?

If the spending problems are due to an addiction, expect your spouse is likely to deny all wrong-doing.

They might blame you in an attempt to hide how ashamed they feel.

In that case, keep looking for evidence for another few weeks before confronting them again with the facts.

If you’re lucky, your spouse or partner will be relieved they can finally talk about their secret now it’s been discovered.

In case you’ve landed here to enquire for yourself…

Is it wrong to hide money from your spouse?

You may have landed here not concerned about your spouse’s lying but wondering if hiding money from your spouse is wrong.

No, it’s not necessarily wrong to hide money from your spouse – it may be a necessary evil, if:

• you’re planning to leave your spouse or partner and aren’t ready to tell them you want a divorce or separation. However, the better option would be for you to be open and honest. But, perhaps you have your reasons.
• your spouse is abusive and controlling by withholding money.
• your husband/wife or partner is addicted to shopping, alcohol, adult content or gambling.
• your spouse spends without consideration of and responsibility for the regular household bills.

Finally

You’ll need time to process and come to terms with your spouse’s financial dishonesty and the consequential emotional fallout.

I’d encourage you not to be too hasty or make rash decisions while your feelings are still raw from the betrayal. As human beings, we tend to make poor decisions when we’re emotional.

Seek support – whether from friends, family or a professional – and allow yourself that time to process what’s happened.

I know things are tough on you right now. Know that you’re stronger than you think. You’ve got this!

If you read this article because you’re lying to yourself about money, I hope you also found it helpful.