The telltale signs your wife is cheating

How to tell your spouse is cheating

You’re looking for the signs your wife is cheating – I’m so glad you’ve landed here.

As a couples counsellor, I’ve seen many men who desperately wanted to know the signs of a cheating wife.

It often seemed clear to them their wife was unfaithful. But she kept denying it. And their wife would blame my client for being distrustful.

On discovering the truth about their wife’s deceit, they felt utterly devastated and outraged. They were scared about what the affair would do to their marriage. Heartbroken, they often told me they felt like a fool, used and abused.

If only I had written my article on why people cheat in relationships then!

Definite signs of cheating?

They are very few definite signs your spouse is cheating. Further down, you’ll find 5 guaranteed signs your wife is having an affair.

However, none of the other signs, on their own, will reveal for definite that your spouse is unfaithful.

Far more trustworthy, though, is a combination of signs skillfully pulled together to provide a measure of proof.

So, I urge you not to jump to conclusions.

You’re just going to have to lay low for a while and observe until you’ve gathered sufficient pointers.

Here’s what you need to start taking notice of when you’re looking for proof your wife is cheating:

• their body language (see also my articles on nonverbal communication, how to interpret body language and body language signs)
• what they say and how they say it
• what they talk and don’t talk about
• what they do that doesn’t typically fit their values and beliefs
• changes in the timings of their comings and goings
• changes in the way they dress
• changes in general behaviour and mood.

In addition, consider the possibility they have an online relationship (see also my article about catfishing – just in case).

The signs your wife is cheating – the stages of infidelity

There may have been early signs of infidelity without you consciously noticing them.

The development of an affair often progresses through stages with a corresponding change in behaviour at home, however subtle:

• Your wife and the other person may have met online, at work or even in your own home (check with your friends!)
• The attraction may have been sheer lust, or it may have started with a mutual understanding.
• That friendship may have developed into an emotional affair, with one or both having increasingly strong feelings for the other.
• There may have been some friendly flirting.
• Flirting, with increasingly physical innuendo, will have turned into overt advances, or…
• There was no friendship – just lust and adultery. Your wife or lover simply invited the other to have sex (check out also: Addicted to physical intimacy).
• Your wife may or may not have set out to cheat on you by having an affair right from the start.
• They may have met online and been unfaithful by exchanging sensitive personal details about your marriage, having an emotional affair and/or having cyber-sex.

It could be that your wife is alternating between craving the attention from the other man (or different gender) and wanting to end the affair. So, you can see then that there’s an opening for you to start fighting back.

I recommend you start right away – not by throwing accusations at her, but by becoming more attentive (don’t over it at this stage).

Don’t wait for things to develop – put yourself in the driving seat and arm yourself by reading all you can. Start by reading my article Staying together after infidelity and How to be the most supportive spouse.

In the meantime, stay alert, keep gathering information and look for proof.

A cheating wife’s body language

A note of caution when looking for signs of a cheating wife

Definite signs of cheating or nervousness for other reasons?

I wouldn’t want you to only rely on body language signs. 

• They’re difficult to accurately interpret and easy to misread, particularly when you’re looking for signs of infidelity.
• Here are cultural differences in movements and gestures.

In addition – what you think could be signs of cheating could also mean your wife is nervous. Particularly if you happen to feel jealous often.

Maybe you’ve questioned your wife often about her whereabouts in the past. Perhaps you mistrusted and accused her when, in fact, she was completely innocent.

Keep that in mind when reading the following signs of infidelity…

How to tell if your spouse or partner is cheating

9 nonverbal signs of infidelity (remember: not proof!)

1. Your wife may be avoiding eye contact.
2. Her eyes may be shifting all over the place, trying to avoid your gaze.
3. Conversely, she may stare at you, holding your gaze (she probably knows avoiding eye contact may signal guilt).
4. She may blink more when staring.
5. She may be hiding her hands (a hangover from childhood: “I didn’t do that, honest”).
6. She may blush when you talk about the subject (be careful… she may be embarrassed, but not actually guilty).
7. When confronting your wife with an unexpected question, she may show a noticeable degree of discomfort and…
8. … she may be stroking or rubbing her head and neck and covering her eyes or mouth.
9. While she’s thinking and attempting to answer your questions, you might notice behavioural changes.

How to tell if your spouse or partner is cheating

8 behavioural signs of infidelity

1. Avoiding conversations
   Your wife definitely doesn’t want to talk about your relationship. She might even give you the silent treatment. This may point towards your wife having an affair – if it’s unusual behaviour.
2. Avoiding certain subjects
   She avoids subjects for fear of giving the game away.
3. Changing the subject for no apparent reason
   You may not be aware of a link between an affair and whatever you’re discussing, but she will be.
4. Changing dress style
   Your wife is suddenly taking a more considerable interest in her appearance. Keep an eye on her spending!
5. Starting to go to the gym or taking up some other form of exercise
   They’ve suddenly morphed from couch-potato into fitness-enthusiast and are working out regularly.
6. Acting out of the ordinary in general
   In hindsight, there were changes in your wife’s behaviour you previously hadn’t considered as significant.
7. Changing their love-making and appetite
   This physical sign could point to cyber love-making or even an addiction to adult material. She may have told you she’s no longer attracted to you.
8. Their spending habits have changed
   You’ll definitely want to check your bank accounts as it’s likely your spouse is lying to you about money if she is having an affair.

5 verbal signs your wife is cheating

There are further warning signs of infidelity, suggesting that all is not what it seems.

How keen is your partner to show their true self?

1. She may mention their lover’s (or mistress’) name in passing or too often.
2. Your wife might want to make you believe your lack of trust is your problem and your own fault. She may make derogatory remarks about you and be mentally abusive.
3. She could be looking for ways to excuse herself. She might justify her behaviour by blaming you for ‘driving’ her into the arms of someone else.
4. She says things that somehow don’t seem to stack up without you necessarily being able to put your finger on why.
5. She may tell you (and themselves?) that they are ‘just good friends’. That they have to go to this or that function for work. That there’s nothing in it, really.

5 guaranteed signs of a cheating wife

You’ve discovered:

• emails with proclamations of your spouse’s love for someone else
• text messages with the same
• sext messages
• confirmations of dates in diary entries that don’t match with what you’ve been told
• receipts and bank statements proving your spouse’s expenses in places not matching your spouse’s proclaimed whereabouts.

With regards to the latter two points, remember your wife might be cheating not with someone else, but because she’s nervous about telling you the truth!

How to spot a liar

Pamela Meyer, the author of ‘Lie Spotting’, is a world-renowned expert on lying. Learn some surprising facts from what she has to say by watching this presentation (opens in a new tab).

Research shows that as human beings, we’re all too keen to tell a lie*.

You may even be aware that your spouse lies to you all too often, including lying about money.

Is your wife cheating?

11 signs of infidelity

1. Private email accounts

One of the signs of infidelity is that your spouse will have set up private email accounts with dodgy names and new (secret) passwords.

2. Secret apps and use of mobile

They use apps like Snapchat or Kik and have their mobile always at hand and don’t want to share their screens. Snapchat cheating is common! Or they’re using a dating app.

3. Changed passwords in social media accounts

She has added or changed the passcode lock on their phone and other accounts.

4. Sudden changes in online behaviour

She switches off pop-up message/email notifications and closes applications and windows.

5. She stays up late

She starts using the internet or staying on her phone late at night after you’ve gone to bed (only significant if it’s a change in behaviour).

6. Deleted history

She starts deleting their internet browsing history.

7. Clean trash folders

She starts deleting emails/messages and emptying their trash folders.

8. Disappearing acts

She frequently disappears out of the blue – to the garden, upstairs, the shop, out for a run – never without her mobile.

9. Your home has become a hotel/restaurant.

If working full-time, she may now only come home to sleep and eat.

10. She’s abandoning you.

She increasingly seems to withdraw from you. You may want to read my article on How to know your relationship is over.

11. There are gaps in her whereabouts

She says she is going to a friend or event but doesn’t appear to be there.

No wonder you’re feeling like you’re going mad (and she may actually want you to start questioning your sanity) and wishing you had someone to talk to.

This might be going through the mind of someone who’s cheating

Here’s what your cheating spouse may have been thinking:

• At some point, she was confronted with – and made – a choice between going ahead or stopping her secret liaison.
• It might, initially, not even have crossed her mind that she could get caught, or what would happen if they were caught, OR…
• She didn’t care about being found out. Either because she didn’t care about your marriage anymore or because it would be a relief to be found out, as managing two relationships had become too complicated.
• She may have found it easier to be physically intimate by cheating. It was about lust rather than making love – nothing else.
• She was constantly aware that she was betraying you.

Do also read my article on why people cheat in relationships.

What you might be told: the excuses

If your wife is found out to be cheating, here’s what she may tell you:

12 common excuses for cheating when being confronted

1. “We’re married, but I feel lonely.”
2. “I never see you!”
3. “She/he was throwing herself (himself) at me.”
4. “The opportunity was there, and I took it. It didn’t mean anything.” 
5. “You were unfaithful, and I wanted revenge.”
6. “You only had time for the children/yourself, and I felt neglected.”
7. “There was no real reason for my infidelity. I love you, and I was really happy.”
8. “I didn’t mean to have an affair. It just happened.”
9. “He/she made me feel good about myself again.”
10.  “Most of my friends have affairs. It’s normal these days.”
11. “You spend more time and energy on work than on me.”
12. “I had no choice. I did it because we weren’t making love anymore.”

The common thread?

Her inborn need for attention and recognition – it’s one of the most important human needs(link)! Though by no means an excuse for being unfaithful, it’s nevertheless a wake-up call.

So my advice to you is you start to take notice. I’d like you to read my other articles on affairs to help you work out how you can save your marriage. That is – if it’s indeed what you want to do.

When the guilt sets in

As your wife’s affair developed, guilt may have begun to gnaw at them.

Here’s what generally happens:

• Part of her knows she shouldn’t be doing this.
• Part of her wouldn’t even want to be doing this.
• She may never have seen herself as a liar or someone who would cheat (or perhaps she did!).
• She may feel torn between whether to fix the marriage or pursue the attraction.
• She may not know how to stop and end that relationship. She may even be being blackmailed with the threat of being exposed to you or the boss.
• She may actually really love that person and, after being discovered, fluctuate between ending it and continuing to cheat on you.
• She’s (hopefully) unlikely to have set out to hurt you.
• Some say they have one man in bed and the other in their head.

Friends may already be aware that all does not add up

Your friends may already suspect or know your wife is cheating – they might have spotted the signs before you.

If so, they’re likely to be facing a few dilemmas of their own:

• They may be evasive when you approach the subject.
• They may not know what to do with the information.
• They’re likely to weigh up the cost of telling you what they suspect or know.
• They may think it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie.
• Sadly, one of your friends may be the other man (or woman) – a double betrayal.

But remember – your true friends will do whatever they think is right for you, even if you think differently. They may also point out the threat to your physical health (sexually transmitted diseases if your wife is adulterous)!

How to find out if your wife is unfaithful

It’s easy these days to keep track of someone’s whereabouts. You can hire a detective. Or, you can use a tracking app and devices such as cameras and microphones.

While I totally understand you want to know what’s going on, I warn against using these!

Don’t underestimate the impact of snooping on your wife when you want to repair your relationship or fix your broken marriage!

What to do when your wife has cheated

Whether or not you were already experiencing marital problems, I’d like you to remember that infidelity doesn’t only happen in an unhappy marriage.

You may want to ask your wife to read my article on How cheating can ruin a marriage and you’ll benefit from How to get over someone cheating on you.

Your wife’s infidelity doesn’t need to mean you’re headed for divorce – if indeed she is unfaithful. Many couples rebuild their relationship and save their marriage.

It requires patience, empathy on both sides, learning to handle your feelings and effective communication (link to my free Communication Toolkit for Couples).

Don’t wait too long to get the help of a qualified relationship coach. You can never be too early, but it’s all too easy to be too late.

Finally

You now know all the signs of cheating to find out if your wife is having an affair. You’ll find all my articles on infidelity by clicking the link for easy reference.

As an experienced relationship therapist (semi-retired), I know only too well how painful a time this might be for you.

So, take good care of yourself and know that you’re far more resilient than perhaps you think you are. You’ve got this!