Why do people really cheat in a relationship?

Why would someone want to hurt you so much by being unfaithful?

Why does someone cheat in a relationship?

When you’ve landed here searching for an answer to the question: Why do people cheat in a relationship, I’m so glad you’ve found this.

I have a list of ‘reasons’ why people cheat, but of course, none of them is an excuse! The reasons in the list may provide an explanation. They may point to a cause but cannot be the cause.

One partner or spouse cannot blame the other for their chosen course of action of being unfaithful and having an affair.

Why do people cheat in a relationship

Reasons why someone might cheat in a relationship

I have given 20 reasons here for why people cheat in a relationship, but you’ll probably notice that some overlap.

As an experienced couples therapist, I’ve found that the wronged partner is often desperate to know why their partner or spouse cheated.

However, the person having the affair is seldom able or willing to give a coherent answer. This is sometimes because remorse stops them from wanting to hurt their partner any further.

But more often than not, it’s simply because they have little sense of how or why the affair began and continued. They may say something like: “It just happened.”

So, here are some potential underlying reasons for infidelity…

20 reasons why people cheat

1. Major life transitions

Transitions such as pregnancy (see: Pregnant and stressed by my spouse), birth (see: Overcoming a traumatic birth), children leaving home, mid-life crisis (see also: perimenopause symptoms) etc. require a huge emotional investment.

It always involves an ending which can invoke joy, sadness and a whole host of mixed feelings.

This new reality can come with a sense of joy, hope and/or dread. Feelings of insecurity can also present themselves during these times.

Having an affair can be an escape – a way to avoid facing the reality of the situation.

2. Specific relationship issues

Intractable relationship problems, marital problems or a relationship crisis can be why someone might want to escape.

One partner may feel that their needs and wants aren’t being met. Their expectations may be too high. They stray in search of someone else who can meet their needs and wants.

3. Issues around identity

Acting out a gender and living in a body that doesn’t feel your own lead many to adopt a life that matches other people’s expectations.

Many people marry, acting out a traditional role hoping that all will work out somehow. They may be hiding their true identity from others and themselves (see my article on discovering your spouse is bisexual).

Ultimately, they feel so miserable that they embark on illicit affairs. Often this is to test what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone of their preferred gender.

4. Hunting

This is when one partner is determined to play the field. They are searching for an easy target. They have the ability to build rapport with others quickly and overall they possess a feeling of entitlement.

5. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

For information about what that entails, see this article (opens in a new tab) on verywellmind.com. See also my article on how to help someone with OCD.

6. A history of infidelity in the family, e.g. parents’ extramarital affairs

The study Family Background and Propensity to Engage in Infidelity by Weiser et al. showed a link between parental infidelity and their children’s inclination for infidelity [1].

7. Specific escape from distressing situations, e.g. infertility, illness, disability, unemployment, etc

This involves the partner seeking something to make them feel better. The attention of someone else fills this need.

8. A less than satisfying love-life

The utter frustration and the degree of powerlessness that is felt when one partner appears to hold all the cards lead some to stray into having an affair.

See also: What you can do when your physical relationship is non-existent.

9. Status

A sense of status is an essential emotional need. As human beings we need to feel like we have a place in this world and that we’re seen and accepted for who we really are. Being seen as worthwhile by someone who isn’t their partner may be a way to fulfil that need.

10. Opportunity

Lack of impulse control or plain selfishness. The opportunity was there, so they took it.

People with Impulse Control Disorder (ICD) can find it impossible to resist temptation. ICD includes compulsive behaviour (CSB) which usually starts at around 18 years of age (although it wouldn’t surprise me if the age of onset occurs evermore earlier with such easy access to online pornography). 88.5% of sufferers are male and may also suffer from anxiety and/or depression [3].

12. Obsession with the other person

Being enchanted and entranced by someone who has perhaps become their best friend, their world and ultimately their lover. The person has fallen in love – and pursued it – with someone who is not their intimate partner or spouse.

13. A generally poor relationship

A relationship in which essential emotional needs aren’t met in balance. It’s never been right, they feel they’ve outgrown the relationship or have a general sense of dissatisfaction and disillusionment.

14. Narcissistic behaviour

This comes from a sense of entitlement. See my article: How to deal with a narcissistic spouse or partner.

15. Love of power

As human beings, we have a need for a sense of control and volition. For some people, however, this essential emotional need has gone awry (see also # 4, 9 and 14).

16. Feeling like they’ve made a huge error of some kind – perhaps they’ve previously been unfaithful

The spouse or partner may feel they’ve done something awful and now have nothing else to lose by cheating. They feel ‘condemned’ anyway.

17. Addiction to adult content

The need for the satisfaction of physical needs trumps all, and what happens in the bedroom at home doesn’t fulfil that powerful craving (see #10). See also: Signs of addiction to adult material.

18. Longing for an emotional connection

The partner is searching for intimacy and is longing to reconnect with a lost part of themselves.

19. Immaturity

Not understanding how precious and fragile an intimate couple relationship or marriage is and what the short and long term consequences are of betrayal (see: Surviving infidelity).

20. Boredom

“There’s intense longing to somehow feel alive again, and infidelity offers the desired excitement.” Eli Finkel [4]

See also: Bored in your relationship?

Finally

So, why does someone cheat? I hope the list above has given you a better idea of what might cause someone to be unfaithful.

Don’t forget – a reason is never an excuse for infidelity. But whether you’re the wronged OR the unfaithful partner, understanding why it happened is key to fixing the fall-out.

Unless you know what and where the problems are you won’t be able to address them. So if you’re recovering from the revelation that your partner’s had an affair, or you’ve been unfaithful and you never want to be so again, take some time to figure out where the cheating came from in your particular situation.

Together with reading the other articles on my site about infidelity, some careful thought can help you decide on the best way forward for you and your relationship right now.

Cheating doesn’t have to spell the end if you don’t want it to.

Other helpful links

Sources

1. Sage Journals: Journal of Family Issues – Family Background and Propensity to Engage in Infidelity

2. Psychiatric Times: Impulse Control Disorders: Clinical Characteristics and Pharmacological Management

3. TEDxUChicago: The Marriage Hack, by Eli Finkel