My 4-step plan for dealing with an unsupportive husband during pregnancy

What to do when you’re pregnant and the baby’s father is unsupportive

This article is for you if you’re pregnant and you appear to have an unsupportive husband or partner.

Perhaps you were aware you were having ‘normal’ relationship issues or marriage problems before the pregnancy. However, now it may feel like your marriage or relationship is falling apart.

Your partner or spouse may appear unhappy, uninterested, distant, unsupportive and inconsiderate. Maybe he also comes up with excuses if he’s not much around either.

Unsurprisingly, you may be worried he (or she) will leave you.

He (they) could clearly do with reading my article on how to support your wife during pregnancy and how to be an emotionally supportive spouse.

Before we look at a solution to the problem, let’s try to understand it. 

In this article, I’m hoping to help you get to the bottom of it first. Then I’ll give you a ton of tips and advice to help you get through this challenging time. Let’s aim to turn it into a joyous time.

So, let’s start here in case you landed here wanting to know the signs of an unsupportive husband during pregnancy…

5 signs of an unsupportive husband during pregnancy

1. Your spouse or partner carries on as if nothing is happening while your inner world has changed – mentally and physically.
2. He is withdrawing from you, and you’re feeling alone.
3. He appears not to care you’re pregnant and you’re feeling unsupported.
4. He seems distant, and you’re feeling rejected.
5. He appears to have no clue how hard pregnancy can be.

Are they signs he doesn’t care about the pregnancy?

Let’s try to get to the bottom of why your spouse is unsupportive.

Understanding the problem first makes you more likely to find the best solution and make the right decisions.

Only recently discovered you’re pregnant?

If you’ve only recently found out you’re pregnant, it may just be a shock to the baby’s father.

Your husband or partner may only need time to process the news. It might take them a little longer to adjust to the changing reality than you’d hope, particularly if it’s an unplanned pregnancy. But that’s okay.

Could it be that you’re a bit over-anxious – hormones kicking in – and have jumped to conclusions about why your spouse appears a bit distant?

If so, there may be no problem at all. Hopefully, you’ll discover that he does love you and that all will be well.

If the unexpectedness is not the reason for his withdrawal and you’re definitely not over-anxious, read on…

What were the circumstances when you fell pregnant?

The timing of your pregnancy will have had an impact on both of you. But since your husband appears unsupportive, the timing and not the baby may be an issue for him.

It may be a problem in itself or a contributing factor:

• Was it a planned or unplanned pregnancy?
• Did your contraception fail?
• Did you manipulate your birth control method to bring about your pregnancy, despite the father of the baby’s express wishes to the contrary? (I know it doesn’t sound very pleasant, but we may as well be honest with each other).
• Was the aim of falling pregnant a repair attempt for your marital problems in the hope of saving your marriage?
• Did you want a baby?

All of the above complicate the situation for you and your husband, causing stress and anxiety.

So, why might your partner be unhappy?

Unplanned pregnancy or your husband never wanted children?

What happened if your husband or partner never wanted children? Was the pregnancy unplanned?

Or were you just not prepared to accept his wish?

Assuming you discussed it, did you perhaps hope he’d change his mind when confronted with a pregnancy?

Did you think he’d be delighted after all but now feels trapped?

Again, knowledge is power – if you know the underlying problem, you’re more likely to figure out what to do about it.

So read on to discover more reasons your husband is unsupportive now you’re pregnant…

22 reasons (not excuses!) why your spouse is distant and unsupportive during pregnancy

1. They don’t know how to support a pregnant wife.
2. They fear losing their independence.
3. They’re fearful of the responsibility of having a child (or another one).
4. They’re worried about finances: the expense of bringing a baby into this world and the cost of raising it.
5. They’re worried that they’re not cut out for parenthood.
6. They’re already self-conscious and are now worried about being shown up in public as a failing dad (or mum).
7. They had a difficult childhood and don’t want to risk putting their children through a similar situation. 
8. They suffer from (mental) health problems, such as depression or anxiety and fear that they may pass that on to the child.
9. They’re fearful about passing on a genetic condition common in their family.
10. They suffer from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and can’t cope with the additional stress of having a child disrupt their routines and rituals.
11. They fear having to compete with the child for your attention and feeling rejected.
12. They may be worried they know zilch about pregnancy if this is their first baby and fear their ignorance is too apparent.
13. They may be completely at a loss about their role as a parent if this is their first child, particularly if they’ve grown up without a father. 
14. The pregnancy is ill-timed in their mind for whatever reason: work, health, finance, etc.
15. They may be miffed about a lack of physical relations and intimacy. Maybe your desire understandably isn’t what it was. And now, selfishly, I may add, they anticipate making love is off the menu altogether.
16. If you got pregnant by donor insemination, they find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that you’re carrying another man’s baby. You may be over the moon, but they may feel a failure.
17. He (or she) feels trapped. Perhaps they had plans to end the relationship.
18. They feel ill-prepared for taking on increased responsibility for the baby’s older siblings.
19. They may have experienced your previous pregnancies and births as difficult or even traumatic. Perhaps you had a traumatic birth, post-natal depression, or a challenging pregnancy for other reasons.
20. They’re having an affair (see: The complete guide to surviving infidelity).
21. They suffered from male post-natal depression after a previous birth.
22. A combination of any of the above.

Now that I’ve given you a start, you may have some thoughts on why your husband is unsupportive during your pregnancy.

Marriage problems? Stressed? Relationship falling apart?

I so understand that you feel alone and anxious about the future and depressed about your relationship.

Understandably, you’re worried giving birth might be tinged with sadness.

However, the more stressed and depressed you are, the worse your sleep pattern and the less resilient you’ll be. Add your fluctuating hormone levels, and you have a recipe for increased feelings of irritation and hopelessness.

Though your husband may appear unreasonable, you have no control over him (or her), and you cannot change him. However, you can change your response to him, which can have a bigger impact than you might think.

4-step plan for when your husband is unsupportive during pregnancy

Step 1 – be safe

Read my article on the signs of an abusive relationship.

It’s vital you are safe. If not, be sure you get help from a domestic abuse agency in the country where you reside as soon as possible.

Step 2 – become a relationship communication pro.

Get clued up by reading my articles why couples argue all the time, 25 common relationship problems and discover what else you can do to reduce relationship stress.

Step 3 – make a list of wants and needs

Draft a list of specific, measurable tasks to make it easier for your spouse to know what to do and how to get involved. Remember, he cannot read your mind.

Step 4 – involve your husband

Here are three ways to help your husband open up about why he’s so distant and unsupportive.

Then ask for an opportunity to ask for what you need. And since you’ve become a communication pro in Step 1, there’ll hopefully be a reduced risk of it all turning into an argument.

Here’s how to make discussing your thoughts on parenthood together a success…

1. Listen intently – with respect

Give your partner space and time to express how they’re feeling. You want to know why your husband isn’t supporting you as you’d expected. And, the problem may not be what he says it is. There may be an underlying, undisclosed problem – particularly if there seems to be no logical sense to his argument.

Also, he may not see it as ‘cool’ or ‘manly’ to discuss his fears now that your needs supposedly trump his.

So, stop yourself from filling in silences! Refrain from blaming and shaming.

It could be that your partner is completely freaked out about the whole baby thing! 

2. Hold your spouse or partner to account when he isn’t supporting you during pregnancy

Be sure to have an adult-to-adult conversation and not turn it into a parent-to-child accusation.

If you resort to the latter, you may lose him. That’ll mean the end of the conversation or yet another argument.

Clearly state that he is becoming a parent, whether or not he is prepared for it or even likes the idea. You’re waiting for him to step up to the plate.

After hearing him out, ask him to listen to you with the same courtesy.

3. Share your worries, needs and wants

Invite him to listen to your worries:

“I would love it if you’d listen to me without interruption. We can then talk about how we can help each other.”

Tell him how you feel rejected, sad, let down and worried about the future, and how it seems he doesn’t care about the pregnancy.

Explain how he can help – what you really need and would like ideally – you wrote it down in step 3.

What else can you do?

It’s always scary to realise your marriage or partnership is failing.

It’s even more worrying when you become responsible for the happiness of that tiny little person you’re carrying inside your body. Of course, the thought that your partner is rejecting it is horrible.

So, what can you do?

11 tips to help you address the problems and make life a little easier

1. Write a letter to the baby’s father

Take your time to write and rewrite it. See it as an opportunity to hold him to account without resorting to blaming and shaming. Write you’re curious about his apparent distance and offer a chance to talk openly and honestly about his view of the pregnancy.

Sleep on it and have the letter checked by a trusted friend (see my next point).

2. Talk to a trusted loved one

Talk about your relationship problems and pregnancy with someone else when your spouse seems distant and dismissive.

Look for a wise, non-judgemental friend in your immediate environment to off-load and get a different perspective. See my article on getting the right relationship advice for more info on who to trust and choose.

Once you start opening up to people about your distress, you may find even strangers can be hugely supportive.

3. Learn to meditate to counter the stress of dealing with an unsupportive husband

You can only effectively problem-solve when you’re calm.

So, if you ever intended to learn to meditate to become more relaxed, now is the time. It will also benefit your baby. And it can help you to stay calm and focused during the delivery.

4. Ensure you meet your essential emotional needs

Meeting your essential emotional needs using your inborn resources – the human givens – will help steady you in the storm.

5. Continue to communicate respectfully to reduce conflict

Do it for yourself, at the very least – however tricky at this time. At least you can go to bed at night with your dignity intact.

6. Focus on what is going well

Reminding yourself of the positives can help you see your marital problems in a different context.

That is unless you’re in an abusive relationship. I know you should be able to rely on your partner unconditionally – that is how it’s supposed to be.

However, now you’re in this situation, you need to do whatever it takes to make it easier on yourself.

7. Take responsibility for managing your feelings when your husband appears distant and inconsiderate

You – we all – are responsible for managing our feelings.

Your feelings, thoughts and behaviours are uniquely yours. You’re the only one who can watch yourself ‘from above’ and mull over what’s going on for you 24/7.

What are you feeling, thinking and doing, and what are you going to do about it.

Don’t hand that responsibility over to your husband, as in: “If he behaves differently, then I’m okay”.

Of course, you would be feeling a ton better if only he would support you. However, for now, he isn’t.

So, how are you going to help yourself feel better? It’s a tough one to grasp, I know!

8. Get as much other support around you as you can when your husband isn’t supportive

Make no judgements about what people should offer.

Some will be good with practical support, some with emotional support, while others will take your mind off your problems by making you laugh and take you out.

You can do with all the help you can get now you appear to have an unsupportive husband.

9. You’re unhappy, so consider getting professional help

Ask if there are free local professional counselling services or connect with an online relationship coach. The latter is a paid service, but it really is an excellent one and sooo much easier to access than traditional counselling.

10. Aim to attend prenatal classes even if your relationship appears to be falling apart

First of all, if you can persuade him, encourage your partner to come along for a session, just to see what it’s like.

Alternatively, go with a friend, or choose a class where partners are not taking part. They might also be free to accompany you to your regular appointments with the midwife or other health professional.

Don’t skip your prenatal classes if at all possible. If you find you’re tired of having to explain again why your husband isn’t with you, have a word with the organiser first.

11. Make use of a hypnosis audio download to help you feel better and deal with your particular challenges

I highly recommend you get a hypnosis download to help you cope right now. You might, for example, benefit from the Have a Positive Pregnancy or Love Your Pregnant Body hypnosis.

Self-hypnosis, with the help of a professional audio download, is a user-friendly, affordable and effective way to help you feel better fast.

See my page, Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads to discover how it can work for you. Overcoming fear of childbirth, Relieving Stress and Tension, and Preparing for a Caesarian Section are likely to be helpful in your particular situation.

Considering ending your relationship while pregnant?

I’m so sorry if you’re considering ending your relationship or marriage during your pregnancy. I understand, of course, that you now doubt you love your spouse or partner or can ever trust them again.

Or, perhaps you had no choice – your spouse or partner has broken up with you. Naturally, you’re heartbroken. I suspect, though, that there was something seriously wrong with your marriage and/or your partner.

If you do have a choice, I would only recommend breaking up now if you’re in an abusive relationship and thus receiving physical, sexual, mental and/or emotional abuse.

You’re too emotional, and there’s too much at stake. You’re at the mercy of your hormones. This is not the best time to make a life-changing decision.

It’s also far too stressful and tiring while you’re expecting.

Get as much personal or professional support as possible for now and reconsider a breakup only when the baby is a little older.

It may be that your partner finds the pregnancy difficult, but he might be a great dad (or another gender parent) after all.

Finally

You’ve found my page because you were searching for information on what to do when your husband is unsupportive during pregnancy.

Perhaps you now have some idea about what you can do today to deal with the situation. Promise me you’ll start today!

Know that you both need time and space to process your feelings about this pregnancy and that you may each be on a different timescale.

I sincerely hope you’ll soon be experiencing a more joyful pregnancy.

Remember, you’re far stronger and more resilient than you think. You’ve got this!