How to recover from a traumatic birth

How to heal your mind after a traumatic birth experience

What distress must you be in if you – and your partner – suffered a traumatic birth.

In this article, I hope to help you by acknowledging your pain, regardless of the precise circumstances of the delivery of your baby and how long ago it happened.

You may have landed here because you’re pregnant again, and memories are flooding back. Or perhaps you’re feeling too traumatised ever to contemplate another pregnancy.

So let’s see what might have gone wrong, how you’ve ended up so traumatised.

What caused you to feel so traumatised?

Problems with the delivery

• How, when and where your baby was delivered
• An injury you sustained during birth
• Feeling unable to control how the baby was delivered, even if you understood the reasons for the way it was handled
• The way you felt about the way doctors/midwives/nurses conducted themselves

Problems with the baby

• Your baby may very sadly have died before, during or soon after birth
• Your baby was injured during the delivery
• Your baby arrived too early and was taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. You may fear for their survival and prognosis – their future health and well-being
• Your baby is ill or has been born with special needs – expected or unexpected
• You’re having to watch your baby live in unnatural surroundings and necessarily being subjected to painful or uncomfortable experiences.

The consequences of those experiences

Any of the above events could potentially have left you devastated and traumatised.

The traumatic delivery of a baby can lead to a deep sense of loss, whether or not your baby survived. And if your baby so very sadly did pass away, you’re suddenly confronted with an earth-shattering sense of grief.

Here are the types of losses you’re likely to be dealing with.

5 major losses after a traumatic birth

1. Losses surrounding your baby – particularly the expectation of delivering and bringing home a healthy baby (even if you knew beforehand of problems).
2. The loss of your sense of safety and security – such as the loss of trust in a safe environment and trust in the medical profession.
3. The loss of confidence in your body/yourself – if you felt out of control, or your body didn’t perform the way you expected.
4. The loss of confidence in other people – if you felt your partner, professionals, or family and friends let you down.
5. The loss of important relationships – if loved ones have disappeared – not knowing what to say or do. Or when what’s happened is too close to home. Or your disappointment, anger and frustration with them have driven a wedge between you.

Understanding the losses can be helpful because they can shape your recovery plan.

What may be adding to your distress?

Are other problems contributing to your – and possibly your partner’s – distress?

Problems in your relationship or marriage

Marital or relationship problems will make it harder for you (both) to get over a birth trauma.

Those problems may include:

• The way your partner (or father of the baby, if different) acted before, during and after your pregnancy and delivery
• The state of your relationship when you fell pregnant (see also my article Pregnant, but your spouse isn’t supportive).

Other potentially contributing factors

Just to be sure – none of the following can be used by professionals as an excuse for you feeling traumatised by clearly identifiable mistakes made by them.

However, the following are likely to play a part in how you feel now:

• How you fell pregnant
• Distressing (family) events before giving birth
• Other distressing life events surrounding your pregnancy and delivery
• A pre-existing phobia, whether of hospitals, blood, childbirth or any other
• Other pre-existing mental health problems.

Depending on what happened, it’s understandable and not unusual for you to think you’re suffering from post-traumatic stress or even full-blown PTSD after the birth of your baby.

To learn more about PTSD, start with my article on PTSD signs and symptoms.

You delivered a healthy baby but had a traumatic birth?

Are women ‘supposed’ to suffer?

“When anaesthesia was developed, it was for many decades routinely withheld from women giving birth, since women were “supposed” to suffer.

One of the few societies to take a contrary view was the Huichol tribe in Mexico. The Huichol believed that the pain of childbirth should be shared, so the mother would hold on to a string tied to her husband’s testicles. With each painful contraction, she would give the string a yank so that the man could share the burden.

Surely if such a mechanism were more widespread, injuries in childbirth would garner more attention.” 

― Nicholas D. Kristof, Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide

There is a general expectation that you as a mother – and, of course, the other parent or partner – should be happy with a healthy baby. That’s even more so if others judge your circumstances to be ideal.

However well-intentioned other people’s expectations and reactions are, they won’t help you if you’re trying to deal with the after-effects of a traumatic birth.

Loved ones may have trouble understanding why you’re not your usual self if the baby is fine and all seems to be well. It’s, therefore, no wonder if you’re trying hard to smile but feel torn between revealing and hiding your distress.

If your partner and loved ones are struggling to understand what you’re going through, look at my other pages on trauma, starting with The signs and symptoms of trauma and Living with someone with PTSD. link

If the people around you know and understand your true feelings, they may be more able to offer you the right kind of support. That can be a relief for you and them.

Problems with the baby also?

People are likely to attribute your and your partner’s distress to your worries and sadness about any problems with the baby.

The trauma of the delivery of the baby (birth trauma) may remain hidden.

How to overcome the trauma of a difficult delivery

Can you get over a traumatic birth?

Yes, you can! And it doesn’t have to mean years of psychotherapy. There are gentle and often fast ways of treating traumas, including birth traumas.

You’ll likely make a complete recovery. The memory of the delivery will, naturally, never be pleasant, but you need not be haunted by it. And there’s every chance that, in your own time, you’ll be able to contemplate another pregnancy without that sense of panic.

Once you’ve processed the trauma, you’ll be able to focus on living your life again without being distracted by the terror and distress you suffered. Gone will be those angry, painful, frightening thoughts, feelings, panic attacks, nightmares and flashbacks.

Discover the practical steps towards recovery you can take in my article: Coping with PTSD and How to help your spouse with PTSD.

Do you have postnatal depression?

When you suffer from the after-effects of a traumatic birth, signs and symptoms of PTSD can occur alongside postnatal depression.

If you are traumatised, it may be difficult to distinguish between the two. But the sooner you can be helped to recover from the trauma, the more likely you’ll bond well with your baby.

I also recommend you consider getting some professional self-hypnosis audio downloads to help you recover. You might like to try the Enjoy motherhood download or Help for postnatal depression.

For further information on how hypnosis in the comfort of your home can help you, hop over to my Hypnosis Downloads FAQ and Downloads page.

What help have you had to get over that traumatic birth?

I wonder what help, support and treatment you’ve had so far in healing from your birth trauma:

Perhaps you’ve felt unable to admit to others (or even to yourself) that you can’t get over your traumatic birth. And that, despite trying to leave it behind, you’re still devastated by it.

So, let’s get you on the road to recovery…

How to overcome a traumatic delivery

6 self-help strategies to recover from a traumatic birth

Here are the most important steps you can take to overcome a traumatic birth (and, of course, it will take you longer than a minute!). It includes a way to get affordable birth trauma counselling/therapy near you.

1. Tell others how you’re feeling

However scary that may be, it’ll be the start of your recovery.

Yes, there will likely be people who won’t understand. They may tell you to pull yourself together and that you’ve got everything to be grateful, etc.

However, if you accept that their judgements are not your business, you’ll free yourself up to focus on what matters. And remember: nobody can read your mind – dropping hints isn’t going to cut it.

2. Ask for support from loved ones

Ask for practical, emotional and advisory support. But choose who you’ll talk to wisely. Think carefully about who may be willing and able to do what.

Read my article on how to get the best relationship advice. You’ll get a ton of tips and advice on what type of people to avoid.

3. Consider asking to speak to the professionals involved in your birth experience

Remember that they may have made mistakes, but they’ll never have wanted someone under their care to suffer.

Aim for an open, honest conversation without blaming and shaming. That doesn’t mean you can’t express your feelings and express your criticism.

Having an opportunity to talk through the details with the why’s and wherefore’s can greatly aid your recovery from a traumatic birth.

4. Accept that you may need professional help

There’s absolutely no shame in needing therapy. We, as therapists, take pleasure in helping people. We do it to the best of our ability, with a deep understanding – as professionals and fellow human beings.

You can now connect with a registered or licensed therapist online.

5. Keep the channels of communication with your partner open

Remember, you and your partner will likely have different ways of coping with what’s happened.

Be open-minded about – and allow space for – your partner’s coping strategies. Enquire about how they’re feeling. And ask for the same in return.

Consider sharing the following articles with your spouse:

• How to help your depressed spouse
• How to help someone with PTSD
• How to help your spouse with anxiety
• How to deal with relationship problems after the baby

6. Be active in overcoming depression

Read my article on how to deal with depression without medication and start making changes today.

Dealing with birth trauma is painful, difficult and distressing, so promise to be gentle with yourself.

Here’s a free worksheet to encourage you to take great care of yourself…

Finally

Healing will take some time. So give yourself permission to recover at your own pace and in your own way. Ask for the help and support you need – and know that this too will pass.

Know that you’re far stronger than you think – you will recover.

You’ve got this! I’m rooting for you.