How to deal with marriage problems after the baby

How to deal with relationship breakdown after having a baby

No wonder you’re looking for help dealing with marriage problems or a relationship breakdown after the baby! I won’t be surprised if you’re feeling absolutely heartbroken.

(Please note that I’m writing this article from a woman’s perspective. However, if you’re the spouse or partner of someone who’s just given birth, I hope you’ll also find this article helpful.)

Perhaps your partner or husband is distant, not interested, unsupportive and neglecting you.

Naturally, you’re worried about an impending relationship breakdown after the baby.

In this article, I aim to help you figure out what might be going on between the two of you. Hopefully, you’ll have a better handle on the problem by its end.

I will suggest what you can do about the problems after the baby by setting out steps to help you fix your marriage.

The answers to the following questions will help us figure out where it all started to go wrong:

• What was your relationship status by the time you were expecting?
• How long ago did you meet?
• Were you planning to get married or already married?
• Have you been in a committed intimate couple relationship before?
• Do you, or do they have children from a previous relationship?
• Were you having relationship or marriage problems before you got pregnant?
• What were the circumstances of the baby’s conception?
• What role did your spouse or partner have during the birth of your baby?
• Could they be suffering from postpartum depression?
• How was the delivery for you? See: How to overcome a traumatic birth.

We’re going to explore the impact of all of these. But, in the meantime, know that your situation is not unusual.

The John Gottman Institute reports that 67% of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction. So, you can see it’s not uncommon to experience a relationship breakdown after the baby.

Let’s get cracking with getting to the bottom of your marital problems.

Relationship or marriage problems after the baby

Were you already having relationship issues before you became pregnant?

Which couple isn’t having any relationship problems? I’ve certainly had plenty and I’m a qualified relationship therapist with 24 years of experience! That might reassure you (or not!).

So, having marital problems after the baby need not mean you’re necessarily headed for a complete relationship breakdown.

I suspect that the arrival of the baby has highlighted existing problems.

Here’s what could have happened…

Your relationship or marriage as it was before you got pregnant has changed dramatically during your pregnancy and after the baby’s birth.

You are no longer ‘just’ a lover and a friend, a partner or spouse – you’ve both acquired a new role.

Your focus has moved away from your partner or spouse and nearly one hundred percent to the baby!

It had to be so. Your baby is, for a while, completely dependent on you for its survival after its birth. You had to change to accommodate that need.

The change in you has led to a change in the dynamics of your relationship. This has increased your existing marital problems after the baby. The fit the two of you had – troubled though it might have been – is no longer what it was, and you’re both in transition and adapting to the new reality.

With the baby growing inside you, you had no choice but to go along with that process.

However, your spouse may have been much less aware of the whole shebang. Or, they might not have realised it takes focussed attention, contemplation, conscious effort and energy to adapt. They might feel like they’ve walked into a glass door without that preparation!

So, they’ve potentially been caught on the back foot and feeling insecure – see further down – and you’re understandably feeling more vulnerable.

No wonder things that bothered you about each other before may begin to play a more significant part, increasing your marital problems.

Could the following be an underlying factor in the relationship breakdown after the baby?

Under which circumstances was the baby conceived?

Did your partner or spouse really want this baby?

Or did they never want a baby in the first place?

Did you unexpectedly become pregnant, meaning they’d had little choice in the matter?

Were they reluctant to have (another) baby, but you were desperate for a baby and convinced them to go for it?

Was your baby conceived by donor insemination?

If your partner has become distant after the baby, the answers to these questions matter. It means they’re dealing with some unresolved conflict, and it requires an honest conversation between the two of you.

Read on – I’ll help you with that further down.

Had your partner already lost interest in you during the pregnancy?

Hop over to my article: What to do when your spouse is unsupportive while you’re pregnant to get some insight into what might have caused his lack of care and attention.

I’ll be here when you come back. And, remember, all the information you gather is to help you focus on a solution, so you can move forward and hopefully enjoy being family.

Is your relationship or marriage truly falling apart after the baby?

Are you worried that you’re facing a relationship breakup or divorce?

I sooo understand your distress – I’ve seen many couples in a similar situation. I want you to keep the faith and remain hopeful that the two of you can sort this out and fix your relationship.

Fortunately, relationships can get into really deep waters without it leading to a breakup.

Relationship skills need to be learned, which takes time, effort, and experience with lots of ups and downs.

Let’s sift through the possible reasons you’re arguing and/or your partner or spouse is appearing distant.

It will help you laser-focus on the cause of the problem and not sweat the small stuff. You’ll be better prepared to use the problem-solving skills in the steps further down.

So read on…

17 potential reasons your partner or spouse is withdrawing from you

Here are some possible reasons for your marital problems after the baby:

1. They are acutely aware of how much life has changed and how it’s affected their independence.
2. They feel stressed having to look after other children and do chores.
3. They feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of having a child (or more)
4. They find it difficult to know how to be a parent. They’re worried about getting it wrong, particularly if they grew up without a father figure in their life.
5. They’re worried about being shown up as a failing dad/mum in the presence of others. 
6. They suffer from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and the disruption of their routines and rituals by the baby’s arrival is causing considerable additional stress.
7. They feel insecure and abandoned by you, taking personally your need to focus almost solely on the baby for a while.
8. The baby’s arrival is ill-timed for them for whatever reason.
9. They’re missing- and possibly resentful about the lack of physical relations and intimacy.
10. They feel rejected by the absence of a physical relationship (note that this is different from the previous point).
11. They feel trapped. Perhaps they’d already planned to end the relationship before you fell pregnant.
12. They don’t know how to deal with postnatal depression.
13. They’re suffering from (postpartum) depression.
14. They’ve been traumatised by watching you going through a particularly difficult birth.
15. They’re having an affair.
16. They’re suffering from an addiction. Now the baby has arrived, it may be more difficult to hide the addiction (see also my article on what to do when your partner or spouse is lying all the time).
17. They, very sadly, no longer find you attractive.

Underlying reasons your husband is withdrawing from you since the birth of the baby

It’s no wonder you feel neglected after the baby when your spouse has stopped being attentive and affectionate. I get it that you might also be feeling angry and let down.

Let’s not judge. Let’s figure out why your relationship is breaking down after the baby. What might be going on for your partner or spouse?

Here are some potential underlying factors:

• They disagree with you on how to care for and bring the baby up (depending on the age of the child – discipline often causes disagreements in couples)
• They were in no way prepared for what having a baby involved regarding time, effort and energy – you were probably much more prepared.
• They can’t get over having seen you in such pain during the delivery.
• They’re suffering from postnatal depression
• Sadly, they have someone else – that’s why he’s no longer interested in you.

Remember that if you’re both from a different culture, this can also bring about all sorts of relationship issues.

Differences in expectations of being a parent are common even among couples with the same cultural background.

Is your partner no longer interested in you physically after the baby?

Have they stopped being affectionate? Do they no longer appear to want you? Are they no longer interested in being intimate with you?

If so, it’s no wonder you’re feeling rejected!

Let’s deal with why your partner might have stopped being interested in you. I’d like you to think about the following:

• Might they be concerned about the safety of your contraception?
• Could they be worried about hurting you since they’ve seen you in such pain?
• Could they be cheating on you? I do so hope for you this isn’t the case, though.

Postpartum depression is, of course, most commonly associated with women who’ve recently given birth. But, it’s not a condition exclusive to mums – dads/partners can suffer too.

Of course, they won’t have had the same physical birth experience.

However, they’ll undoubtedly have been riding the emotional roller coaster of your pregnancy and baby’s delivery.

This can leave partners just as susceptible to postpartum depression as women.

A new baby – whilst hopefully being a bundle of joy and happiness, can potentially bring chaos and exhaustion to both your lives – be it in different ways:

• Sleep may also be hard to come by for your partner or spouse.
• There’s constant care and attention to be given – to the baby and you (if your partner is at least trying to be supportive.
• If it’s your first child, there are many lessons to be learned, all at the same time!
• If your partner or spouse happens to be the breadwinner, they may feel the pressure to provide for the family. See also my article: Constantly arguing about money.
• Paternity leave can often be very short, depending on where in the world you are. So your partner might be back at work before they’ve had time to properly bond. Or, they feel guilty for ‘escaping’ the house every day and leaving you behind.
• Perhaps you already had relationship problems, and maybe you’ve even separated.

Being unable to bond properly with the baby can signify postpartum depression in men/partners. As can suffering from endless and debilitating anxieties about whether you’re ‘doing it right’ or if you’re ‘good enough’ to be a dad. 

Listless, disinterested and unmotivated, or feeling guilty, worried and permanently stressed can also indicate your spouse or partner is suffering from postpartum depression.

There’s no shame in it. Just because it’s more commonly associated with women, it doesn’t mean the way they feel is ‘wrong’ or that they should just ‘man up’.

If you suspect your partner is suffering from postpartum depression, encourage them to seek help.

What to do when you’re having relationship problems after the baby

The following plan will not be easy, but it’s definitely doable. You’re going to have to fight to save your relationship.

You’ll have to work hard at making your relationship work. Yet, you can’t ‘make’ your spouse do anything. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix.

However, you (both) now have an opportunity to grow and develop yourself and your relationship. It’s way more positive than resenting, scalding, nagging and worrying yourself sick about what could happen.

Your 10-step action plan when your marriage is falling apart since the birth of the baby

Step 1 in overcoming your relationship problems after the baby

Write down the answers to the questions at the start of this article. Then consider the impact of those on you both, particularly your partner.

Step 2

Were you having relationship issues before you fell pregnant? In that case, I’d like you to hop over to my article: 25 (and more) common relationship problems and click on whichever applies to your situation.

Step 3

Using all of the above information, note every possible reason you suspect your spouse is withdrawing from you. Be sure not to jump to conclusions – you’ll be looking for evidence for your suspicions in what you hear from your husband.

Step 4

Read my article on how to stop fighting to learn all about how to have a, let’s call it – a challenging discussion. Do start using what you learn in that article right away. It will prepare you for the next step in dealing with your marital problems after the baby.

Step 5

This is a tough one. Of course, you’re more vulnerable when you’ve just had a baby – hormones are still playing havoc with your emotions. But, I’d like you to consider how you might have played a part in what’s happening. I’m offering some guidance to make it easier on you in my article on how to ‘make’ your partner love you again.

Step 6

Write down what you want to say without shaming your partner, calling him names or shouting. Remind yourself of your newly-acquired communication skills if you need to. :-)

Step 7

You are now prepared for an open and honest conversation with your spouse or partner.

Plan to sit down, undisturbed, as soon as possible. Remember the following points:

• Your partner or spouse’s feelings need to be heard and acknowledged – so, take plenty of time, allow for silences and don’t butt in. Let them finish in their own time (unless they have a tendency for monologues!).
• Listen without judgement or condemnation. Your partner is entitled to their feelings, however difficult it might be for you to be confronted with them.
• Stay quiet except for encouraging them to say more every now and then. Imagine you’ve got Duck Tape over your mouth if you’re itching to get your word in! Just an occasional: “Uhuh, can you say a little more about that?” can help.

At least their feelings are out in the open. It’s likely to be a relief for them to realise you haven’t stopped loving them.

They’ll appreciate you having been able to listen and not judge them because of how they’re feeling and how they’ve been with you.

Step 8

Then ask to be given a chance to talk about how you’re feeling (get my free list of emotions and feelings!).

Remember, they’ve probably not read the article on how to stop arguing. So you might have to (gently) remind your partner or spouse you’d like a chance to finish explaining what’s been going on for you.

Step 9

Use my Loving Couple Communication Kit to (re)build your relationship and set some relationship goals. It has a ton of resources to help you along, including fun quizzes and guides.

Step 10

I recommend you consider getting some relationship counselling or coaching (online). Your relationship and your baby are too precious just to hope that everything will work out.

It’s never too early to knock on a counsellor’s door. It can be too late!

Just in case…
What to do if your spouse is cheating on you

I hope your partner or spouse isn’t unfaithful. But should you, sadly, discover they are (see: the signs of cheating, I recommend you connect with an online relationship coach.

You’ll also find a ton of help and advice here: The complete guide to surviving infidelity.

What if you want to break up after the baby?

Suppose you are considering ending your relationship.

In that case, I urge you to wait, if possible, until you’re less vulnerable after having given birth so recently.

You’ll find that you become less emotional over time and grow stronger every day. So, it’s better to wait before making such a life-changing decision as breaking up, ending your relationship or getting a divorce.

Suppose your spouse has decided to walk away. That doesn’t necessarily mean the two of you have definitely broken up (unless you want it to be so).

Give your spouse the time to come to himself. Hopefully, you can still save the relationship.

If there sadly is no hope, I’d like you to hop over to the following articles:

• How to get through a breakup
• How to break up with someone you live with
• How to get over someone

See also my article on what to do when your partner isn’t supportive during pregnancy.

Finally

I know you’re going through a really tough time having marital problems and worrying about the relationship breakdown after the baby.

It’s natural to feel heartbroken and vulnerable! Therefore, I really hope this article is of help to you.
Know that you’re much, much stronger than you think you are. You can do this – I’m rooting for you.