The signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore

What to do if your spouse isn’t attracted to you anymore

When your husband or partner tells you: “I don’t find you attractive anymore.” or “I’m no longer attracted to you.”, you’re naturally devastated!

On one end of the scale, it may be an attempt to get you to take notice out of genuine concern for you and the survival of your marriage.

But, on the other end of the scale, it’s a superficial and a potentially abusive remark.

Here’s Julia’s letter – you decide which end of the scale her partner’s remark sits and how that compares with your situation.

Julia’s experience of her husband no longer finding her attractive

Read on if you, like Julie, no longer feel loved and sexually attractive…

8 signs your husband isn’t attracted to you anymore

Here are the most common signs your husband is no longer attracted to you and probably doesn’t love you anymore.

1. He has changed his behaviour towards you.
2. He makes no effort to please you in any way.
3. He treats you with contempt
4. He stonewalls you (deliberately ignoring you completely).
5. He stays out longer and more often (at work, out with friends, etc.).
6. He no longer compliments or thanks you for anything.
7. He criticises the way you look – your hair, your clothes, your body.
8. He turns away from you when you turn towards him or her.

Sadly, you may even end up feeling your spouse hates you.

14 signs your husband is no longer physically attracted to you

It’s no wonder you feel heartbroken when you suspect your man is no longer attracted to you (man, or another gender). Naturally, you want to find out if you can trust your gut feeling.

Here’s how to tell your partner is not sexually attracted to you:

1. Your spouse or partner avoids going to bed with you at the same time.
2. He avoids looking at you when you’re naked.
3. He no longer spontaneously touches you.
4. He appears to just ‘go through the motions’ when making love.
5. He may kiss you, but it’s so short and lacking in passion and warmth that you immediately feel rejected.
6. He pushes you away when you’re seeking a physical connection.
7. He pulls away when you try to touch him.
8. He seldom initiates making love.
9. He’s reluctant to pleasure you.
10. He may come up with all sorts of excuses when you want to make love.
11. He turns away from you when you turn towards them.
12. He never (or no longer) tells you you’re beautiful.
13. He may have made derogatory comments about your weight.
14. He may have hinted that he’s no longer sexually attracted to you.

Is it like that for you too?

Has your spouse avoided commenting on that outfit you just bought, said something derogatory or brushed you off completely?

It’s no surprise then if you feel unloved, rejected and insecure.

It’s time to take action!

First of all – the following is tricky, but I do want to mention it – just in case…

Might it be an idea to check in with the dentist? If you have an infection in your mouth, your breath might cause your spouse to turn away. It’s sad, though, if he can’t be honest enough to mention it.

Also, the same problem would arise if you’re suffering from digestive problems.

So, with that over, it’s probably time for you to consider if your needs are still being fulfilled in this relationship.

I understand, though, that you might not be ready for that. However, it seems you do have a serious problem now, so read on…

Take back some control is my advice

Perhaps you’ve not been entirely happy before your husband told you he’s not attracted to you.

For starters, consider if you still find your partner attractive. If you really think about it, you may come to realise you are not so attracted to your partner anymore.

Also, take my compatibility test (no email needed) – or bookmark this page for later.

You’ll want to know if the two of you are still compatible or if you’ve outgrown each other. 

Just in case you were questioning your compatibility…

What to do if you don't think your husband is attracted to you anymore

I am so sorry to know how you've been so hurt by your husband's remarks. I can totally understand that this has undermined your self-esteem. Oh, how you wish he'd be a supportive, caring and considerate husband.

I've written an article on building self-esteem just in case you were already suffering from low self-esteem.

11 tips on what to do when your husband no longer finds you attractive

1. You've had a huge shock. I suspect your husband's words felt like a slap in your face. :-(

As well as being terribly hurt, angry and shocked, you're grieving.

I know that might sound odd, but you're very likely mourning the loss of the relationship as it was and the man you thought you had married.

You now need to allow yourself a little time to come to terms with what has transpired. Only then will you be better able to figure out what to do about it.

2. Check you're not in an abusive relationship

Your spouse was blunt and unkind, for sure. But was he perhaps also abusive? I wonder if there have been any other worrying signs? Click that link and check out that article now.

I'll be here waiting for you.

If you've recognised even some of those signs in that article, I would really like you to seek help.

3. Consider couples counselling or relationship coaching

When your husband is no longer attracted to you, going for couples therapy or getting some online relationship coaching is an excellent idea. Your husband may well be up for that because clearly, he's unhappy - however badly he's expressed that.

Getting professional help will also give you a chance to address any underlying relationship problems.

4. Consider if you find your weight a problem and why

I know how very challenging life can be if, indeed, you're overweight.

You may have tried one diet after another - goodness knows how many times!

It's all too easy to feel you're worthless when living in a bigger body. You may even hate your own body. 

The last thing you need is a partner who tops up the shame and blame that society in general already saddles you with.

If you recognise those thoughts and feelings, I'd recommend you get some help feeling at home in your own body. You'll want to feel strong and confident, able to claim your space, to cope with your marital problems right now.

Self-hypnosis with the help of a professionally produced audio download is an excellent way to help you boost your self-esteem. It's user-friendly, affordable and effective for any challenging situation. You might, for example, also like the Boost your self-esteem pack. Visit: FAQ about hypnosis and downloads to discover how that might work.

Remember to be grateful for your body.

It does sooo much for you - beautifully, automatically and reliably! Love your body and be proud of it - regardless of its measurements and looks. And don't forget the old saying: beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Please note, there's one reason you do have to worry about your weight. If you happen to be addicted to food and are binge eating. That is definitely a sign you're not happy with yourself!

Please, also read my article How to get rid of depression.

Your husband is the problem!

Has your husband been a frequent visitor to sites with adult material?

In that case, he may have been conditioned to respond to 'refashioned' bodies. His brain has been overstimulated and now responds only to a different version of reality.

Don't ever think you need to compete with po*n stars!

5. Your husband might have been blunt and humiliating but honest about finding you unattractive

Perhaps, your husband expressed himself very harshly and inconsiderately. He could have even been abusive (like Julie's husband), depending on how he told you.

However, he tried to be honest about his feelings (in no way an excuse, of course!)

Sadly though, his remarks reflect society's beauty standards - to idealise thin bodies and see bigger bodies as a problem.

This now does offer the opportunity for you to be open and honest about how you feel, calmly, clearly and decisively.

Discussing challenging subjects is a relationship skill you can learn, practice and continually improve. Opening up the channels of communication can help you deal better with relationship issues in general.

Be sure to stand up for yourself and guard your boundaries.

Firmly challenge his disparaging remarks with something like: "I feel terribly hurt and humiliated by your attitude and remarks. I absolutely expect to be treated with respect. And, I have every right to dress as I wish."

I'd also like to refer you to this Making Peace with Your Body course (opens in a new tab) - just in case you need it.

6. Ask him what he does find attractive (not concerning the 'outer wrapper')

You both need to get into the habit of reminding each other what you do like, love and find attractive about each other.

7. Talk about your love-making

It's all too easy to avoid talking about precisely what you like and don't like.

However, you do need to communicate about your love-making. If you don't, you're much more likely to be groping about in the dark (pardon the pun!). Talking about your physical relationship is really important. You can't read each other's minds.

To get some ideas on opening up that conversation, read my article on what to do if you're no longer making love.

8. Consider getting personal counselling or coaching

I hope you can open up to someone about your concerns.

I recommend again that you connect with an expert relationship therapist online. This is a paid but, compared to face-to-face counselling, a cost-effective and much more flexible service.

Alternatively, reach out to a trusted friend or family member. Do read my article on how to get the best relationship advice to help you identify the right kind of person to talk to.

9. Take my comprehensive relationship test

The two of you need a very frank conversation about how important it is to treat each other with respect and kindness.

However, I suspect that there may well be difficulties in other aspects of your relationship.

If so, my advice would be to take my Comprehensive Relationship Test to help you figure out if and how you can save your marriage.

10. Further reading

You may also be interested in these articles:
24 Healthy Relationship Tips
How to 'Make' Your Partner Fall in Love with You Again
How to Fix Your Relationship or Marriage

11. Marriage shouldn't be a sacrifice

To build a healthy relationship, you have to be able to compromise. However, I want you to consider if you're valuing yourself enough. Or do you feel you're sacrificing your needs too often to please your partner?

Only you can answer that question. You shouldn't have to lose yourself when trying to please your husband or partner.

Instead, according to Dr Arthur Aron, you include the other in the self in a close couple relationship. They become part of who you are. Notice the difference?

I've developed a free worksheet to help you assess what's really going on for you...

Finally

If all else fails, you may - at some point - want to consider whether it's really worth investing any more energy into this marriage.

I suspect, though, you'd want to try and save your marriage right now.

Remember - you are far stronger than you think you are! You've got this - I'm rooting for you!