"My husband doesn't find me attractive anymore"
By Elly Prior | Updated: 5 Sep 2017
Request for help from Julie in Canada
My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We have a child together and I have 2 from a previous relationship. I will be 35 this year and he is 30. We were a perfect match and were head over heels in love.
We got married (we lived together for a year prior) and everything began to change. I got pregnant on our honeymoon which we both planned to do but everything just became different.
He became distant and we got into a lot of arguments. The love he used to show me stopped. I began to overcompensate, thinking it would help, but it didn't
I began to ask a lot of questions which didn't help either. He became a different person.
He used to look at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world then started looking at other women that way, while I stood next to him.
I finally blew up and was destroyed by what he told me. He told me that life and sex with me was boring, he told me he fantasized about what those women's sex lives were like, he told me if I lost weight I'd be more attractive and that he wanted me to dress differently and get all 'dolled up' as he put it.
I felt and still feel sick to my stomach about his confessions. To me it feels like I'm no longer good enough and he wants me to become someone else. I feel like I need to perform in the bedroom and I no longer feel good about myself.
He has tried to take back what he has said but the damage has been done and I am positive he still feels that way. I just don't know what to do.
You were born with unique innate resources - a combination of talents and skills like no other. Dare to shine!
Elly's suggestions about what to do when your partner no longer finds you beautiful
I am so sorry to hear how you've been hurt by your husband's remarks, Julie. I can totally understand that this has undermined your self-esteem. I've written an article on building self-esteem, as sadly you're not the first person to write to me with this kind of problem.
For you personally, my advice is as follows:
- Your partner appears to have been particularly blunt and unkind - have there been any other signs that he is abusive/controlling? If so, it's important that you seek help. The very fact that he changed so suddenly after you got married makes me think he deliberately wanted to hurt you. I am so sorry, but that really is not a good sign.
- Consider getting some good couple counselling. I doubt he would be up for that, but I certainly recommend you go yourself regardless. It can still help you tremendously, even if you go alone.
- Consider very calmly if indeed your weight is a problem to yourself, because of the way you feel about yourself. If you're unhappy about your weight, or you know it's putting you at risk of health problems, then you can take the decision to do something about it. After all, you need your health and energy as a mum. But if you're healthy and you're happy with the way you look, then you need change nothing!
- Whilst he expressed himself very inconsiderately - he was, at the very least, honest. Many men deal with their often higher sex drive by accessing internet porn, having an affair or one-night stands. (By the way - that counts for women as well. The statistics on cheating make appalling reading!) Having said that - humiliating you by admiring other women in a way that's offensive to you is undermining you and the health and future of your marriage.
- I might have advised you to see how you can improve your sex life, but I suspect that whatever you do, he may find a way of dismissing your efforts. Instead, I recommend again that you connect with a licensed therapist.
The two of you need a very frank conversation about how important it is to treat each other with respect and kindness. However, I suspect that there are probably difficulties in other aspects of your relationship too. So my best advice to you for that is to take my relationship test. That'll help you figure out whether or not this partnership is right for you.
I do hope there is something in this list that is helpful to you and I wish you all the best for a happier future. You absolutely deserve to be happy!
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