Signs your partner doesn’t find you attractive anymore

Request for help from Julie in Canada 

Her husband confessed TO NOT FINDING HER attractive anymore

“My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We have a child together and I have 2 from a previous relationship. I will be 35 this year and he is 30. We were a perfect match and were head over heels in love.

We got married (we lived together for a year prior) and everything began to change. I got pregnant on our honeymoon which we both planned to do but everything just became different.

He became distant and we got into a lot of arguments. The love he used to show me stopped. I began to overcompensate, thinking it would help, but it didn’t.

I began to ask a lot of questions which didn’t help either. He became a different person.

He used to look at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world then started looking at other women that way, while I stood next to him.

I finally blew up and was destroyed by what he told me. He told me that life and making love with me was boring, he told me he fantasized about what those women’s physical relationship was like, he told me if I lost weight I’d be more attractive and that he wanted me to dress differently and get all ‘dolled up’ as he put it.

I felt and still feel sick to my stomach about his confessions.

To me, it feels like I’m no longer good enough and he wants me to become someone else. I feel like I need to perform in the bedroom and I no longer feel good about myself.

He has tried to take back what he has said but the damage has been done and I am positive he still feels that way. I just don’t know what to do.”

Signs that your spouse or partner isn’t attracted to you anymore

Perhaps, like Julie, you too no longer feel loved.

See, if you recognise any (or all) of the following signs that your partner may not find you attractive anymore.

Your partner…

1. … has changed their behaviour towards you.
2. … doesn’t overtly show you they love you anymore.
3. … treats you with contempt.
4. … stonewalls you (completely ignores you deliberately).
5. … stays out longer and more often (at work, out with friends, etc).
6. … no longer compliments you on your looks.
7. … criticises the way you look – your hair, your clothes, your body.

Do any of the above relationship problems seem familiar? It isn’t a surprise then if you feel lonely in your marriage or relationship and that you feel unloved, rejected and insecure.

It’s time to take action! Start by taking this test (no email needed)…

Just in case you were questioning your compatibility…

1. Have you been able to accept your partner mostly without wanting to change him or her?
Yes No
2. Is your partner generally thoughtful?
Yes No
3. Does he/she talk to you about important decisions?
Yes No
4. Are you absolutely sure you both do – or do not – want children? Or if you have children, are you generally in agreement on strategies and major decisions?
Yes No
5. If you have children, how sure are you that the way you observe them treat your children is as respectful and caring as when you are not there?
Yes No
6. Do you consider your partner to be your best friends?
Yes No
7. Is your partner happy for you to spend time away, for example for a business trip, a holiday with friends, a workshop, etc?
Yes No
8. Looking back over your relationship, have you on the whole felt happy, even if not of late?
Yes No
9. Are you happy with your partner’s values and beliefs?
Yes No
10. If your partner doesn’t tend to say: “I love you”, do you feel loved anyway, even though they don’t use those exact words?
Yes No
11. Is your partner interested in what makes you tick?
Yes No
12. Would you trust your partner if they called you to say they can’t get home for what appears to be a good reason – stuck at work, at the airport, missed a train, etc?
Yes No
13. Do you feel physically attracted to your partner?
Yes No
14. With regards to your physical compatibility, do you feel comfortable enough to ask for what you want?
Yes No
15. With regards to desire – do you feel that your partner wants you more than she or he needs you?
Yes No
16. With regards to libido – does your partner understand, without any judgement, that passion comes and goes?
Yes No
17. Can you have a decent conversation about the things you disagree on?
Yes No
18. When you do row, are you able to genuinely make up relatively quickly?
Yes No
19. Could you cope, without resentment, if your partner became dependent on you for a period of time because of a physical condition?
Yes No
20. Could you cope, without resentment, if they became dependent for a period of time because of mental or psychological condition?
Yes No
21. Does your partner contribute toward joint bills equally, relative to their earnings and situation?
Yes No
22. Are you able to let your partner have the space and time to pursue their interests without your feeling neglected – within reason?
Yes No
23. Do you agree on what – within reason – means?
Yes No
24. Would he or she support you if you had to take care of/spend more time with your family?
Yes No
25. Has your partner introduced you to her or his friends?
Yes No
26. Would your partner be understanding if you suddenly had to work longer hours or work at the weekend because you felt it would further your career or allow you to change direction?
Yes No
27. Do your arguments start harshly with much negativity, e.g. destructive criticism and sarcasm?
Yes No
28. Do complaints about your behaviour turn into criticism about you as a person?
Yes No
29. Have you given up on trying to talk things over?
Yes No
30. Are you leading almost separate lives?
Yes No

Click here to get your results below

Your score is: …

Disclaimer

My advice to Julie and to you when your partner no longer finds you attractive

I am so sorry to know how you've been so hurt by your husband's remarks, Julie. I can totally understand that this has undermined your self-esteem.

I've written an article on building self-esteem as, sadly, you're not the first person to write to me with this kind of problem.

I'm interested in what kind of questions you asked him and to what extent you were already feeling somewhat insecure. I wonder too if there really hadn't been any signs before you married that all was not well.

For now, my advice to you, Julie, is as follows:

1. You've had a huge shock. I suspect his words felt like a slap in your face. :-(

As well as being terribly hurt, angry and dismayed, you're grieving (yes, I know that sounds strange!) You're grieving for the loss of the relationship - as it was - and the man you thought you had married.

You now need a little time to come to terms with the new situation. Only then will you be better able to figure out what to do about it.

2. Check you're not in an abusive relationship
From what you tell me, your partner has been particularly blunt and unkind. I wonder if there have been any other worrying signs? Follow that link now and then come back here.

If you've recognised even some of those signs, it's important that you seek help. The very fact that he changed so suddenly after you got married makes me think he deliberately wanted to hurt you. I am so sorry, but that really is not a good sign.

3. Consider couple counselling
Consider getting some good couple counselling. Your husband may well be up for that because clearly he is unhappy too, however badly he's expressed it.

4. Consider if you find your weight a problem

If you're unhappy about your weight and you know it's putting you at risk of health problems, then you can take the decision to do something about it. I know how very challenging that can be, but you do need your health and energy, not only for your own benefit but also as a mum.

You'll want to model what healthy eating (not dieting!) looks like for your children. They watch you. listen to you and learn from simply being in the same space as you.

Remember to always be grateful for your body. It does sooo much for you - beautifully, automatically and mainly reliably! That's the simplest, most beautiful message you can pass on to your children.

On top of that - you've had three children which very likely will have had an impact on the way you look too.

Love your body and be proud of it - regardless of its measurements and looks. And don't forget: beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

5. Honest, but blunt and humiliating
Whilst your husband expressed himself very inconsiderately, he honest.

That offers the opportunity for you both to be open and honest about how you feel. It can open up the channels of communication to help you work together to overcome the problems.

Being in a relationship and being a good partner is a skill that needs to be learned and practised (and there's never an end to the learning!). Some people have had better examples than others of healthy relationships whilst growing up.

However, you do need to stand up for yourself and guard your boundaries. Firmly challenge his disparaging remarks, therefore, with something like: "I feel terribly hurt and humiliated by your attitude and remarks. I absolutely expect to be treated with respect. And, I have every right to dress as I wish."

Ask yourselves what example you're setting for your children. What are they learning from you under these circumstances?

6. Ask him what he does find attractive
You both need to get into the habit of reminding each other what you do like, love and find attractive about each other.

7. Talk about your love-making
It's all too easy to avoid talking about precisely what you like and don't like, but you really do need to talk. If you don't, you're much more likely to be groping about in the dark (pardon the pun!). Talking about your physical relationship is really important. You can't read each other's mind.

To get some ideas on how to open up that conversation, read my article on what to do if your making love is off the card completely.

8. Consider getting some personal counselling
You do really need to open up to someone about your concerns.

I recommend again that you connect with a professional therapist online. This is a paid, but - in comparison with face-to-face counselling - a cost-effective and much more flexible service.

Alternatively, reach out to a trusted friend or family member. Do read my article on how to get the best relationship advice to help you identify the right kind of person to talk to.

9. Take my comprehensive relationship test

The two of you need a very frank conversation about how important it is to treat each other with respect and kindness.

However, I suspect that there may well be difficulties in other aspects of your relationship too. If so, my advice would be to take my Comprehensive Relationship Test to help you figure out how you can save your marriage.

10. Further reading
You may also be interested in these articles:
24 Healthy Relationship Tips
How to 'Make' Your Partner Fall in Love with You Again
How to Fix Your Relationship or Marriage

11. Marriage shouldn't be a sacrifice
Sure, you have to compromise when you build a life together - there's, of course, the need to give and take. However, I want you to value yourself enough to consider honestly if you're possibly sacrificing yourself.

Are you giving much more than your fair share?

Only you can answer that question. You shouldn't have to lose yourself just to try and please your husband or partner.

Instead, according to Dr Arthur Aron, in a close couple relationship you include the other in the self, he or she becomes part of who you are [1]. Notice the difference?

So, when all else fails, you may - at some point - have to consider whether it's really worth investing any more energy into this marriage. I don't want you to do that right now though. Start with fighting for the survival of your marriage - there still appears much to fight for (unless you're in an abusive relationship).

Julie, I can totally understand if you're considering ending your marriage. So, just in case - see my article on how to end it.

I do hope this is of some help you, Julie and I wish you all the best for a happier future. At the very least, you absolutely deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

Warm regards,

Elly