5-step plan to deal with constant criticism from your spouse or partner

How to handle criticism from your husband, wife or partner

Constant criticism from your husband, wife or partner is oh so tiresome! Chances are, you’re feeling pretty hurt and frustrated because they’re always so negative!

It probably feels like you can’t do anything right, and you’ll never be good enough. That’s so tough!
You may even be at the receiving end of frequent put-downs, verbal attacks and trivialising sarcasm or comment. That’s even more worrisome!

No wonder, then, you want to learn how to handle criticism from your spouse. Or, perhaps you now doubt you love your spouse or partner.

I’m so glad you’ve landed here. I’m ready to help you deal with your critical spouse.

While criticism and rejection, unfortunately, are a fact of life, you shouldn’t have to deal with constant and destructive criticism.

Both can be a form of bullying. It’s certainly not something you need to accept from your spouse or partner!

So, stick with me to discover how to deal with criticism in a relationship.

What do I know?

I am a qualified couples counsellor with 24 years of couples therapy experience in various professional settings.

I have helped couples deal with various relationship problems (link), including, as you might imagine, never-ending criticism.

I aim to help you dust yourself off, become more assertive, set boundaries and confidently deal with all those negative comments.

How to deal with criticism

How to handle a negative spouse

Naturally, you feel upset, angry and resentful when you’re being criticised unfairly, particularly if it comes from your spouse or partner.

More worrying is the psychological impact of constant criticism on your self-esteem, confidence and mental health.

And according to relationship researcher John Gottman, it’s one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse – predictive of an early end to your marriage or relationship.

Therefore, it’s essential we find out if your partner means well but is just lousy at communicating. Or is their faultfinding part of a systematic effort to undermine and humiliate you?

In case of the latter, your spouse is emotionally abusive (link). Yep, I know that can be really tough to hear. Just take a few deep breaths.

However, neither defensiveness, revenge, nor denial is helpful, however understandable.

I also get it if you’d be stewing on what happened regardless of the circumstances. That’s a natural reaction.

But, the following ways of dealing with criticism are not in your best interest:

• Ruminating (repetitive negative thinking), revenge and defensiveness won’t help the situation or make you feel better.
• Trying to prove your spouse wrong immediately whilst you’re feeling emotional. You can always do that later, if necessary, after careful consideration.
• Wanting to find fault in the other person means focussing your attention in the wrong direction.

So, how do you start to deal with constant criticism from your spouse or partner?

Dealing with destructive criticism in a relationship?

Your spouse could be unskilled in communicating – they’ve trouble expressing themselves.

Or, perhaps they’re on the autistic spectrum, meaning that feelings and empathy don’t come easy. They’ll have trouble reading your emotions.

Your spouse could also be:

• In constant pain
• Suffering from insomnia (link)
• Depressed
• Worried about finances, the children, their job, or something else
• Headed for a nervous breakdown (link)

These conditions can make them short of spare capacity, particularly miserable and generally grumpy.

They’re likely to be as horrible to themselves as they are to you. And they may feel guilty and regretful for being mean to you.

Are you in an abusive marriage?

None of the above conditions is an excuse if your spouse is abusive towards you!

How can you be sure then what’s happening?

Your spouse is more likely to be abusive if they behave well towards other people and appear not to have any communication issues in other social situations.

If you know they’ve mainly got it in for you, you’re likely in an abusive relationship.

If you’re not sure your spouse or partner could be called ‘abusive’, I’d like you to take my comprehensive abusive relationship test now.

Why?

It’s not your task to learn to handle criticism if you live with an abusive spouse or partner!

Your focus should be on increasing your awareness of how you’ve adapted to the threats of living in an unsafe environment.

You may need to consider leaving!

If indeed, you are in an abusive marriage, I’d like you to hop over to my article on how to know you’re in an abusive relationship. Scroll right down to discover a list of organisations that offer specialist help and information.

Just wanting to learn how to deal with constant critique from your spouse?

Read on.

How to regain your composure

It’s natural to feel emotional when you’re being criticised. You may well feel hurt, angry, frustrated and disappointed.

You may also be feeling rejected, particularly if you’ve been on the receiving end of constant criticism from your spouse.

The more emotional we are as human beings, the more limited, black and white, all or nothing, our thinking becomes. It’s simply how your brain works.

That’s not great when you’re trying to cope with an increasingly critical spouse or partner instead of having to run away from a sabre-tooth tiger!

You’ve probably already found that when you’re emotional you tend to react in ways you come to regret once you’ve calmed down.

Here’s how to take control…

How to deal with unfair and constant criticism from your husband, wife or partner

5-step plan to handle criticism in a relationship

1. State the facts, for example:

“I did my best to fix/nurse/repair/look/speak/make/etc and now you’re criticising it.”

Remember, there’s a difference between your spouse criticising your behaviour and criticising you as a person. The latter is abusive!

2. State how you feel

“I feel really upset/hurt/frustrated/deflated/sad/demotivated.” (See my complete, printable, list of feelings and emotions.)

Notice how if you’d immediately started retaliating, your spouse would not have known the impact of their negativity?

3. State what the consequences are

“All that criticism results in my wanting to turn away from you instead of towards you, questioning our marriage, no longer feeling loved, etc.”

4. Ask them to turn the faultfinding and nagging into a wish

“Instead of telling me what you don’t like, tell me what you would like to happen.”

“Give me an example of how you would like [it] to be different.”

5. Ask for help to review how you each deal with criticism

“Shall we talk about how we can each be more loving towards each other when we disagree/are critical/don’t like something?”

“I hate it when you’re upset with me, so let’s each think about ways we can express ourselves/act/behave better.”

“Let’s talk about how we can be sure that we build in more loving moments in our emotional bank account. That way we’ll  have sufficient credit when we’re just not getting it right.”

How to deal with constant criticism from your spouse

Could it be that the two of you are rather prone to always arguing?

Arguments about money, lack of physical intimacy, extended families and disciplining children are common.

Have the two of you resorted to constant bickering, criticising, blaming and point-scoring? In other words – has your marriage become a power struggle?

If so, have you by any chance also fallen into the habit of fault-finding?

Arguing in itself is not a problem, though it may be time to start learning to argue better.

If you recognise yourself in the above, I have a few articles with essential information and actionable advice to help you improve your relationship.

Pick two or three of the below article to read through and note down your action points. You might just discover how you may have, doubtless inadvertently, contributed to the problems.

• Money issues in relationships
• Why your spouse is lying all the time
• Your partner is lying to you about money
• Forty-two reasons why couples argue all the time.

By taking responsibility for your role, you may be able to stop the cycle of negativity all by yourself – even if your spouse isn’t interested.

3 questions you to ask yourself

1. Whose problem is it? You don’t exist just to please your spouse or partner! If they don’t like something, does it need to be your problem too?
2. Are you rating your spouse’s opinion of you higher than your own?
3. Are you setting yourself up to be criticised? I know this is a tricky one as bullying can start almost by stealth and be so subtle that you barely notice it getting worse.

There is so much more to you!

Whatever the reasons for all that criticism from your spouse, remember that there’s sooo much more to you:

• You are not your thoughts.
• You are not your feelings.
• You are not your behaviour.
• You were born absolutely perfect!

In addition, you can benefit from kindly but honest feedback as partners in a love relationship or marriage. Who else could or would tell you that your breath is not as fresh as it could be, for example!

Oh, and by the way – if you’re feeling insecure – you’re not alone. ;-)

Here’s Sandra Bullock talking about what she learned when she Googled herself (you could start at 1 minute in for a bit of background – I think she’s funny – or at 2.45 if you want to hear the criticism.

10 tips for handling criticism in a relationship

Start by just noticing – out of curiosity and without condemning – when you’re critical of yourself. 

1. Ask yourself if you’d be happy to undermine your best friend in the same way. (If you do, then you could improve your communication skills and capacity for loving-kindness.)
2. Simply notice things that you can do better – there’s an advantage to being self-observant without being overly critical.
3. Tackle the things you know you can do better. Have you truly listened and taken notice of your partner’s grumbles and grievances? Do they have a point?
4. Learn to laugh at yourself and remind yourself whenever necessary that today’s drama is tomorrow’s bin-liner whenever you’re a little too sensitive!
5. Do what you can to boost your self-esteem, if that’s been suffering.
6. Be active in taking care of and wanting the best for and of yourself. That includes being prepared to tackle any other relationship problems head-on instead of hoping for an overnight miracle.
7. Use a professional hypnosis audio download. It’s such an effective and user-friendly self-help tool. Get the Tame Your Inner Critic or Stop Self-Criticism downloads. For further information, see my article: Self-Hypnosis FAQ and downloads.
8. Talk your particular problem over with an online, professional, certified relationship coach sooner rather than later. See my page on online counselling.
9. Discover what it takes to build a healthy relationship – 24 tips for couples.
10. Work towards becoming the very best version of yourself and a supportive spouse in your marriage!

You have sole custody of your life. Who you are today is not who you have to be tomorrow. Embrace the possibility of transformation.

Leeza Gibbons

Finally

Receiving and delivering criticism is a relationship skill which you can and need to learn. You need to be prepared to take your spouse or partner seriously instead of complaining about being nagged all the time, if their criticism is fair and given with care and consideration.

Setting boundaries to protect yourself is also an essential skill, particularly when dealing with continuous criticism in a relationship.

You shouldn’t have to be at the receiving end of constant criticism from your spouse. Neither should you have to put up with a lack of affection.

So, if that’s happening to you and you consider it a serious problem, it might be time to think about your options. Work together to improve your communication or end your relationship and divorce.

Either way, value yourself. You’ve got this!