How to build your self-esteem and feel more confident in your relationship

How to build self-esteem and confidence in your relationship

The fact that you’ve landed here wanting to know how to build self-esteem in a relationship makes me think you’re going through a tough time. Chances are, you doubt yourself and maybe even think you’re to blame for the relationship problems. Or you have been told you are!

Whatever the reason you want to feel more confident in a relationship, I commend you for taking action and hunting the internet for ways to develop your self-esteem and confidence.

Let’s get you sorted!

We’ll first look at what might have caused your low self-esteem.

What is causing you to lack self-esteem and confidence in a relationship?

There could be one or more reasons you’ve found yourself here. It might help you to know that you’re not the only one suffering from any of the following.

So, you see, having low self-esteem and lacking confidence in relationships can have many causes.

But, what is self-esteem really, and what is meant by self-confidence?

What contributes to or detracts from self-esteem, -love and -confidence?

Self-esteem is made up of two parts. One part is your self-evaluation – how much you think you’re worthy of that fabulous job, that wonderful partner, that great opportunity or happiness itself. 

The second part is about how you feel when you think about yourself. Can you feel chuffed, for example, about your achievements, or do you tend to feel shame and embarrassment followed, perhaps even followed by self-loathing?

Four aspects potentially contribute to – or detract from – your self-esteem. Remember that none of them needs to leave a permanent impression on your self-esteem.

1. Biological: genes, (ill)health, (dis)ability, age and lifestyle.
2. Psychological: your childhood and adult experiences, the impact of any trauma, injury or shaming (which can be traumatic enough in itself), your lifestyle and your self-evaluation
3. Spiritual: shame or reverence, (limiting) beliefs, lifestyle
4. Social: your social connections and feedback from the people around you, your social competence, and your lifestyle.

Looking at this list, you may have already gotten some idea of where your lack of confidence is rooted. Whatever the root, in this article, we’ll leave it behind. Instead, we’ll focus on what you can do to increase your self-esteem and confidence.

Self-esteem and confidence

Also, self-esteem and self-confidence aren’t the same. You could suffer from low self-esteem, have no self-love and yet be mightly good at your job, for example.

Knowing you’re good at something and trusting you can do whatever is required is about self-confidence.

Being good at something but constantly doubting it is about low self-esteem.

However, the good news is that if you’re unhappy with how you feel about yourself, you can change it!

I base that confidence on having counselled hundreds of people who were able to make permanent changes to their lives.

It’s better to be yourself and risk having people not like you than suffer the stress and tension from pretending to be someone you’re not.

Christine Carter

What causes low self-esteem?

There is a whole host of reasons why you may have developed low self-esteem.

5 possible potential underlying causes of low self-esteem

1. You’ve been anxious since childhood, even if you grew up in a warm, loving family and had no trouble at school. Take into account, then, that there may be a genetic predisposition.
2. You had a parent who suffered from anxiety and could not give you the freedom to explore the world without constantly pointing out all of its dangers.
3. You were criticised, chastised, shamed and bullied at school, home, friends, or work.
4. You grew up in a dysfunctional family and regularly experienced conflict. You could never be sure what would happen next, and you’d never know how people would behave towards you. One minute they might be loving and kind, and the next, they’d be out of control, angry or even vicious and violent.
5. Your family or community shamed you on religious grounds.

Your earlier experiences will have influenced your choice of partner. So, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve found yourself with a more ‘difficult’ partner. (That’s not a given, though – anyone could have ended up with a less desirable partner.)

If any of the following points sound familiar to you, you’ll understand what I mean.

8 reasons you lack self-esteem and confidence in relationships

1. Your partner or spouse blames you for everything, including the relationship problems.
2. Your partner or spouse constantly criticises you.
3. Your partner is abusive toward you.
4. Your partner’s self-esteem is pretty high, and they look down on you. They may have narcissistic tendencies.
5. Your partner has told you they don’t find you attractive anymore.
6. Your partner has an affair – they have someone else and are cheating on you.
7. You’ve been put down and undermined in previous relationships.
8. You’ve been through a (bad) breakup, and starting dating again scares you.

Anyone’s self-esteem would take a dive after such experiences! So, please, don’t give yourself a hard time if you’ve recognised what’s happening to you in the above list.

How you are maintaining that low self-esteem!

Naturally, you want to build your self-esteem and feel more confident in relationships. However, chances are that you’re doing a pretty good job at undermining your efforts to improve your self-esteem and confidence in the following ways:

1. You’re ‘creatively’ using your brain’s ‘reality generator’ to conjure up worst-case scenarios.
2. You’ve made mistakes (as we all do) and continue to nurture guilt and toxic shame.
3. You have a poor body image, and you’ve fallen prey to self-loathing due to being different or thinking you’re different.
4. You compare yourself unfavourably with someone else or with others in general.

All of these can explain why you lack self-esteem and confidence in relationships.

None of them needs to mean you’ll suffer low self-esteem and lack confidence for the rest of your life!

So, let’s get cracking and get you sorted. Start by looking at the problem in a different light…

3 positives of feeling insecure

Let’s look at your sensitivity from a more positive angle.

Through everything you’ve experienced:

1. You can probably walk into a room and quickly sense when there’s discord.
2. You’ll spot the person that isn’t doing or feeling okay.
3. You’re likely to more empathic than the average person.

It all depends on how you interpret events and experiences.

The best way to improve your self-esteem and self-confidence

Here’s my list of tips on how to build your self-esteem and overcome your insecurities:

12 practical ways to build your self-esteem

1. Decide on what you stand for

Look at this list of values and beliefs and take note of the ones most important to you. Those values and beliefs will help you decide what’s right and wrong as far as you’re concerned. They will increasingly (it takes a bit of practice) help you set and maintain boundaries.

2. Accept your flaws – they make you unique.

That’s a tough one for you, I suspect. But, as often as you repeat to yourself you’re no good at anything, or no good at something, you can repeat a different mantra. It does need to be an affirmation you do believe in, though.

In addition, when you’re out and about, spot other people’s flaws in how they look, speak and behave.

You’ll soon realise that most of us are imperfect! Those ‘perfect’ people on TV and social media are ‘lucky’ in a small area of their life. And, crucially, they can also suffer from low self-esteem. Welcome to an imperfect world :-) See The Power of Self-Compassion further down.

3. Stop comparing yourself with other people.

There will always be people who are better educated, have more money, are better at maths, are better looking, have bigger houses, etc. They may be confident in one area of their lives. Still, they too may be hunting the internet to discover how to develop self-esteem.

4. Stop undermining yourself.

Listen to your self-talk and ask yourself: would you say that to your best friend? How would they feel after that barrage of negativity for even 5 minutes?

You are your own very best friend – present 24/7 – so don’t bully yourself! Self-hypnosis is really effective for dealing with this problem.

5. Stop (negatively) overthinking stuff.

The more emotional we are as human beings, the more limited our logical brain (in other words – the more stupid we become!).

So, when you’re feeling anxious, angry, down or depressed, you’re much more likely to over-analyse stuff. You easily run disastrous scenarios in your mind and become over-emotional. The result is that you filter out essential details that contradict your beliefs and thus distort reality.

The Stop Analysis Paralysis hypnosis audio download is perfect for you. Discover for yourself how self-hypnosis might help you on my page Hypnosis FAQ and downloads.

6. Remind yourself that your thoughts are not the truth

Your thoughts are your interpretation of a situation and your feelings, a personal response. Only you can change this. The higher your emotional reaction – even before you can think, the more likely you’ll benefit from hypnosis.

7. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Whatever you’re afraid of, decide you’re going to tackle it step-by-step.

Overcoming your fears will hugely improve the way you see yourself and, as a result, increase your self-confidence. It doesn’t matter how small each step is – as long as you make frequent, regular progress.

Remember, you’re already super courageous when you’re used to living with self-doubt because you have the plug up the courage to do something and go somewhere almost daily!

If you continue to struggle, please do yourself a favour and talk to an online therapist. Allow yourself to lean on someone and get some professional guidance and support. You can get access to such a star right now.

8. Become good at something you care about

Remind yourself of what you feel passionate about. Hunt the internet for resources, learn, develop and practice whatever floats your boat. The more competent you are in a specific area, the more confident you’ll feel and the more enthusiasm you’ll exude when talking to others. It only takes action and time to become confident. And that confidence is another star on your scoreboard toward self-esteem.

9. Think carefully with whom you spend your time

Being around other people with low self-esteem may feel comfortable and familiar. However, they may be the very people who’ll undermine your progress when you’ve set yourself the goal of improving your self-esteem.

I wouldn’t want you to ditch loyal friends – I just want you to be aware of the kind of company you need most to reach your goal. Be prepared to make some new friends.

10. Remind yourself of three things you’re grateful for

Before you go to sleep, remind yourself of the beautiful things in your day.

Sounds silly?

Well, research shows what positive impact gratefulness has on well-being. Reminding yourself of what has gone well that day will help you to go to sleep on a positive note.

11. Swap watching TV or your mobile/laptop to spend time on a hobby,

Study, join a group, do some voluntary work, or help a friend or someone in need in your community. Any activity that improves meaning and purpose will help you to improve your self-esteem and confidence.

12. Accept ‘failure’ as a motivator.

Everyone fails sometimes, and it isn’t the end of the world. There are always lessons to be learnt from mistakes and setbacks – so make sure you’re prepared to look for and learn from them. ‘Failure’ is feedback!

Self-esteem, self-confidence and your relationship

If your partner or spouse constantly criticises, blames and undermines your self-confidence – it may be time to end your marriage or relationship.

However, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. That is unless your partner is set on abusing you. Click the link if you’re not sure you’re in an abusive relationship.

Your plan of action

1. Reread the causes of low self-esteem.
2. Reconsider what your partner or spouse might have told you in the past. Could it be that they, too, have low self-esteem? Not that their lack of relationship skills and undermining of you is an excuse, but can you perhaps empathise with them? If so, that might open the way to a new conversation. You might talk about figuratively (or for real!) holding each other’s hands as you challenge each other to become better spouses or partners.
3. Suppose you didn’t already intend to break up. In that case, you’re likely to feel more confident about ending your marriage or relationship as you change and grow.

Lastly, I want to show you the potential benefits of developing your self-esteem.

The benefits of developing your self-esteem and confidence

Here’s a list of changes you might notice when you’re beginning to feel better about yourself.

15 signs of healthy self-esteem

1. You’re more likely to build healthy relationships (see: Healthy relationship tips and advice), and to generously love another person because you can love yourself.
2. You’re unlikely to feel devastated by criticism and negative feedback.
3. You aim high, reach your goals and cope well with setbacks.
4. You have little trouble defending yourself but are happy to reconsider your opinion if you’re proven wrong and offer a genuine apology when necessary.
5. You’re more likely to enjoy your own company.
6. You have more self-confidence.
7. You won’t be terrified of stepping out of your comfort zone, and you’ll gain a greater sense of achievement by stretching yourself.
8. You’re more likely to attract friends because people are naturally attracted to someone with enthusiasm and a positive outlook.
9. You’re less likely to suffer from depression as you manage life’s setbacks effectively.
10. You’re less likely to suffer from anxiety, but if you do – you’re more likely to manage it well.
11. You enjoy a healthy degree of control and volition over your environment, which is one of our essential emotional needs (See: the Human Givens)
12. You create and are offered plenty of opportunities for love, friendship and laughter – an essential human need.
13. You’re more resilient.
14. You don’t expect or wait for someone else to make you feel good about yourself.
15. You work hard and play hard, making the best of your circumstances wherever you are.

These signs of positive self-esteem show just how important it is for the health and well-being of an individual, a family and a community!

If you’re suffering from low self-esteem, I hope you’ll think all of the above things are worth aiming for because you are SO worth it!

Finally

I’ve given you some tips and advice on how to build your self-esteem and confidence in relationships. It’s up to you now to make a start and commit to taking steps to the new you – every day! Remember, you’re as unique as any star in the sky – there’s no one in the world like you.

You can do it, you are worth it, and the rewards you’ll reap by taking small steps consistently will help keep the momentum going.

Remember, you’re far more courageous, strong and resilient than you think. You’ve got this!

Sources

Ideas TED.com – 5 ways to build self-esteem

Psychologytoday.com – Self-confidence v. Self-esteem