How to offer your sincere apologies – personally or professionally

Why, when and how to offer your sincerest apologies for a mistake, incompetence, neglect or unhelpful behaviour

Knowing how to apologise sincerely, gracefully, and timely saves relationships and builds trust. It also preserves your energy by stopping needless worrying and maintains and improves your self-esteem.

Apologising is not a sign of weakness and incompetence – quite the opposite! Knowing how to offer a sincere apology is an essential, positive social skill.

(By the way, I spell “apologise” with an ‘s’ – it’s a British thing, but if you’re American, you’ll spell it with a ‘z’.)

You’re obviously in trouble, or at least you think you are. You may feel pretty ‘sheepish’ right now, assuming you’re here for genuine reasons.

If not – a gentle word of warning: disingenuousness will ‘leak out’ in your general demeanour, including your voice, choice of words and body language. 

Someone else will cotton on either consciously or unconsciously.

So, let’s get you sorted by first looking at your general mood at the time.

What led up to you getting yourself into trouble?

Are you stressed, depressed, or suffering from anxiety?

Do you have an alcohol problem, or are you suffering from another addiction, such as the overuse of adult content?

Or do you have an anger problem?

Perhaps you just haven’t ‘felt yourself’ lately.

It can explain a possible insensitivity to the feelings of others, misunderstanding, omission or mistake.

However, each can be an underlying reason for your being tired, irritable, frustrated and angry. In that case, it’s no wonder you have reduced control over your behaviour.

None of the above is an excuse for behaving inappropriately, hurting someone personally or damaging a business relationship. It doesn’t absolve you of responsibility or removes the need to apologise, be it with a card, email, letter or in person.

Does that sound like you? Then your body/mind is in trouble – it needs your care and attention.

9 misdemeanours that probably require a sincere apology

Here are some examples of what may have caused distress or damage:

1. There’s been a misunderstanding because you were ignorant of the facts or misinterpreted them.
2. You made assumptions, and you omitted to check them out.
3. You deliberately hurt your partner or someone else out of revenge, requiring your sincerest apologies.
4. You’ve been plain selfish.
5. You’ve broken a promise.
6. You acted on hearsay. Gossip hurts other people and undermines your self-respect.
7. Something happened through neglect or omission with unfortunate or even dreadful consequences.
8. You were so emotional or angry that you completely lost it and blurted out things that hurt others.
9. You’ve been disrespectful, and want to express your regret and remorse.

When you don’t need to apologise

You’ll want to think carefully about whether or not you should apologise or whether it’s time to call it a day.

5 reasons not to offer an apology

1. When you’re at the receiving end of constant criticism at work
2. When your partner or spouse unreasonably blames you for everything
3. When your partner constantly criticises you.
4. When you genuinely think you were not out of order, dig deep for courage and say so assertively.
5. When you habitually offer your apologies for all and sundry.

The latter is invariably linked to poor self-esteem and possibly even toxic shame.

Is your self-esteem in your boots? Do you tend to apologise for just about anything? Then, please read my article about building your self-esteem. I would love it if you felt better about yourself.

Also, if you have a controlling or narcissistic spouse or partner, you’re at risk of at least emotional abuse. Your partner may be manipulating situations so that you end up saying sorry for something that wasn’t your fault and didn’t require an apology.

All that aside, let’s get cracking with setting you up to offer your sincerest apologies.

In case feeling guilty and ashamed is getting in the way of that apology

Don’t wait to offer your sincere apologies when you feel guilty because of the damage your behaviour, words, or actions have caused. Get it sorted!

You can try your hardest to deny your wrong-doing, but others might sense or know things don’t stack up. There’s also always a chance the skeleton will fall out of the cupboard when you least expect it.

If those feelings of guilt really get in the way, I recommend you listen to a couple of times a day to a self-hypnosis audio download to relieve the guilt.

However, you wouldn’t have landed here if you hadn’t acknowledged you’d made a mistake. So, let’s get on.

Why is apologising important?

Most importantly, knowing how to apologise sincerely helps to build and maintain healthy relationships.

Saying sorry deepens a relationship.

8 ways a meaningful and sincere apology can benefit any relationship

1. A heartfelt apology builds trust.
2. It prevents the potential deterioration of relationship problems.
3. It can save your relationship.
4. It removes awkwardness between the parties – you know… that horrible feeling of not knowing what to say to the other person, preferring to avoid them.
5. Indirectly, it encourages the other to admit to their mistakes.

And the benefits don’t stop there!

10 tips for offering the perfect apology

1. Pluck up the courage by reminding yourself of how you’ve ‘survived’ other difficult conversations (whether or not they were a success!) and how you’ve dealt with difficult situations in the past.
2. Offer your apology in person – ideally. Your words will mean the most to the other person.
3. Make sure your timing is right.
4. Spend some time talking about your understanding of the impact of your wrong-doing on your partner, colleague, friend or whoever else it might be (remember your research?). You must put yourself in the other person’s shoes and do your best to imagine how your wrong-doing might have felt for the other. It will help you offer a heartfelt sincerest apology!
5. Take full responsibility for your role in the situation, so no “if”s and “but”s.
6. Apologise unreservedly by saying something like: “I now know / I can see that my actions caused [what you have observed or heard], and I am genuinely sorry. I know that by saying/doing that [specify your action or words], I have damaged [your reputation, our relationship, your trust, etc.].
7. Ask what you can do to help your partner or another party/person repair the damage.
8. Make it up with flowers, tickets to a gig, concert or experience, chocolates, a bottle of wine and a card, but only as an addition – your words and actions are by far the most important factors.
9. Truly make amends by taking whatever action is necessary for you to address the underlying problem that led to your mistake. ‘Just’ saying sorry – without some real soul searching – may make you fall into the same trap again. So, take action to address that addiction, depression, nervous breakdown or repeated infidelity.
10. Having said how sorry you are from the heart, you now need to accept the other person’s reaction without judgement. They may:
    – need time to process everything that’s happened.
    – not be able to accept your apology.
    – only be able to meet you halfway.
    – take the opportunity to express their anger and hurt.

What is the potential outcome of saying sorry?

There might, of course, be negative consequences to your admission of guilt.

You may end up being punished and having to ‘pay’ for it in some way emotionally, mentally, financially or physically (know what to do when your partner physically hurts you).

However, if you’re guilty, it’s best to take it on the chin (except for abuse!). Remember, today’s drama is tomorrow’s binliner! You’ll survive!

So, here goes.

3-step plan for a successful apology

Step 1. Ensuring your apology has the impact you want

Try to understand what your ‘mistake’ – whatever it was (no judgement here!) – might have meant to your partner or other wronged party. Imagine yourself in their shoes to get a sense of how they might be feeling. Without empathy, you’re unlikely to offer a genuine apology.

Decide how you’ll apologise: by telephone, email, text, letter or in person.

Decide when you’re going to do it. It’s best to do it as soon as possible.

Step 2. Deciding by which means you’ll offer your apologies

Thinking of apologising by text?

Forget it!

You can only use a text message or app if you need to apologise in advance for arriving later than expected!

Apologising by email?

Consider apologising in this way only if you don’t know personally know the other party and your misdemeanour is a relatively minor one.

Expressing your remorse by telephone

Phoning someone is only suitable if you live too far away to offer a timely apology in person.

Offering a card or letter of apology

Yep – apology letters are potentially a reasonable way to say sorry.

It’s even more attentive if you accompany your letter with a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates or another thoughtful gift.

Writing a letter is also a good idea if, for example, you want to make a public apology to a group of people.

Let your words incubate for a couple of days, reread your letter or card several times, and imagine the receiver in different moods: angry, sad or happy when they receive your apology.

Before you send or give a letter of apology, let a trusted person read it first to eliminate any blind spots and prevent unintended consequences.

Below is an example letter of apology.

It’s essential you use my sample words as a guide only and adapt the sentences to your needs and style.

Look at my list of emotions and feelings (opens in a new tab) to help you find the right words for your feelings about what happened.

Sample letter of apology

Apology letter template with lots of examples

Here are several examples of sentences and words you can use to reflect your situation and feelings, so you can choose how you want to express yourself.

So, now you have a template apology letter with lots of examples. Now it’s time to write your own.

Now, let’s talk about offering an apology in person. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you could with a bit of extra help to do that.

Deliver your sincerest apologies in person

Watch the video to learn how you could start that difficult conversation.

How to express your regret without creating an argument

Here are the things you should avoid at all costs when you’re apologising in person!

1. Do not have any expectations about the wronged person’s reaction. 
2. Do not burden the other person with your guilt – only you are responsible for overcoming your guilty feelings.
3. Do not start blaming the other party – apologising unreservedly means taking full responsibility for your part of the problem. It may well be that others were also to blame, but now is not the time to point the finger. So, again: no “if”s and “but”s.

See my article on how to stop arguing for further tips and advice.

I suspect you’re in emotional turmoil when you’ve majorly ‘screwed up’, particularly when faced with unexpected consequences.

Do consider, therefore, connecting with a professional online therapist. They can support and guide you. They can help you figure out not only how best to apologise but also how to limit the damage.

Connect directly to Online-Therapy to get matched with your therapist or, for further information, hop over to my page: Online relationship advice.

Finally

Chance is you’re feeling pretty lousy at the moment. Just know that this, too, will pass. Try to accept that you’ve learned a life lesson. You’ll recover and move on again.

As a therapist, I know you’re far stronger and more resilient than you think. You’ve got this!