5-step plan for when your partner or spouse blames you for everything

What to do when your spouse blames you for all the problems

Naturally, you get angry, hurt, frustrated and exasperated when your partner or spouse blames you for everything. I totally get that you want to know why your spouse is blaming you for all your problems, your fights, and their affair and unhappiness.

I’m so glad you’re here! I aim to help you first to understand why your spouse or partner is blaming you for all sorts. Then, we’ll talk about what you can do about getting the blame for everything.

This article isn’t just for you. It’s also for your spouse! So, I hope you’ll share it as I’ve included a section specifically for them.

Be sure to also read my article 5-point plan to deal with constant criticism from your spouse or partner.

The effect of blame on a relationship

Brene Brown says in her talk about blame (opens in a new tab), : “Blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain”.

To repeat what Brene said: “Blaming is very corrosive in relationships”.

So, it’s time to do something about it when your spouse is blaming you for all the problems. Step 1 is to help you understand what might be going on and if you’re really to blame for all and sundry.

But first…

New! What do you get blamed for?

No need for an email address. Just tick the statements that apply to you and see what other people are blamed for.

Step 1. Figure out why your spouse blames you for everything

There are several possible reasons why your spouse or partner blames you for everything.

9 reasons your partner or spouse blames you for everything.

1. They have narcissistic tendencies.
2. They’re emotionally abusive when they always blame you.
3. They want to protect themselves. They’re insecure, have low self-esteem and admitting to being wrong is too scary for them.
4. They want to defend themselves.
5. It’s a learned (unhealthy) relationship skill – their parents blamed them for everything (toxic family?), so that’s what they do.
6. They felt ‘different’ as a child – the world didn’t make sense. They behaved ‘differently’ and, as a result, they were often told off. Their reaction was to blame everything and everybody.
7. They’re deflecting your attention away from their misdemeanours. For example, when they’re being unfaithful.
8. They’re perfectionistic.
9. They see themselves as ‘critical thinkers’.

Blaming happens on a spectrum

Here are three ways blame can come about – it’s a shortcut, though:

1. Deliberately undermining, criticising and blaming

If your spouse constantly blames you for everything, I’d like you to be totally sure they’re not also abusing you in other ways.

The following articles are for you:

• How to live with a narcissistic spouse
• How to know you’re in an abusive relationship
• How to deal with an emotionally abusive spouse.

If your spouse is abusive, your first consideration needs to be whether you should stay or walk away!

That might come as a bombshell, but I suspect it might already have occurred to you that it, sadly or not, may come to a breakup.

2. Poor relationship skills

Relationship and communication skills need to be studied and learned. Particularly if your family paid little attention to healthy communication, you’ll have to step up to the plate now and get cracking yourself. See further down.

3. An instinctive or old (unconscious) pattern of behaviour is triggered

When bad things happen to us, we become, to a greater or lesser extent, emotional. We feel angry, sad, let down, disappointed, traumatised or hurt. That is a normal and expected reaction.

The higher our emotional arousal, the less nuanced our thinking becomes. It morphs into black and white, all-or-nothing thinking.

Depending on their severity, those feelings can trigger our survival mechanism even before conscious thought!

In that state, all you can do is defend yourself, and that’s what blaming is partly about, or escape. The escape may happen metaphorically by shutting down and the silent treatment (link).

The higher the emotionality, the more likely we default to unconscious patterns of behaviour – those developed during childhood and traumatic times.

Step 2. Consider your own role

Ouch! You didn’t expect that when you want to know what to do about a spouse who’s forever blaming you for all the problems. But I hope you’ll stick with me here. I have no intention of judging you.

There’s so little point in blame in an intimate relationship.

Blame narrows the focus of attention and conversations to a single subject that one of you wants to and may win. However, in the process, the relationship is headed further down the path of a complete relationship breakdown.

The fact is, you won’t be able to change your spouse’s behaviour. You’ve probably had a go already and, I suspect, without much success.

So, the only way forward is to look at your role in the relationship – without any judgment.

Take a deep breath because the following isn’t easy to stomach.

Stop looking at your partner for being the source of all your trouble!

Instead, consider what role you play in this relationship by asking yourself some questions as, for example:

• Where is the balance of power in your relationship?
• Does your partner or spouse make all the decisions, or do you?
• Are you aware of your boundaries, and are they clear to your partner or spouse?
• How would you describe your behaviour?
• How do you communicate when you’re stressed?
• Do you have healthy communication skills?
• Or do you shout, criticise and accuse? Do you have anger issues?
• Do you still love your spouse?
• Have you questioned whether it’s worth saving your marriage or relationship?

The ability to hold up a mirror and become more self-aware and critical (within reason – see further down) is a great skill to have in a relationship.

Step 3. Have your partner read this (you, if you also blame)

Here’s what you need to know when you’re blaming your spouse

You could point the finger at your spouse or partner (or anybody else, for that matter). But doing so wouldn’t solve anything and likely inflame the situation.

The escalation would lead to both of you becoming increasingly emotional, with neither of you capable of looking at things a little more dispassionately. Nor will you be equipped to devise an effective plan to help you to improve your relationship and grow as a couple.

It’s helpful to know why you’re doing it because there’s bound to be a pay-off to accusing and attacking someone else: 

• It stops you from having to trouble yourself with uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and deeds.
• You can dust yourself off and pretend you’re squeaky clean.
• You don’t feel the need to ‘give in’ and apologise.
• You don’t feel the need to make any uncomfortable changes to yourself.

However, by criticising someone else instead of taking responsibility, you get stuck. As you can’t change your spouse or partner, the situation won’t change and will probably worsen. In any case, your accusations have doubtless hurt and undermined them. And they’ve likely shut themselves down. Not something you want to happen in a relationship!

You can wait for your partner to change, apologise, grovel, and do anything to make you feel better. But at what cost?

• You no longer have control over your own destiny.
• While waiting for your spouse to put things right, you become increasingly stressed and frustrated.
• You feel out of control; that’s scary!
• You’re increasingly struggling with a sense of despair and hopelessness, which can lead to depression.
• A complete relationship breakdown with one of you leaving.

Blaming prevents you from learning and growing. And, if it ends up in a breakup, you may well find yourself in a very similar situation.

Such an ugly outcome I wouldn’t want for you.

I know you have it within you to take control of your own thoughts, feelings and actions. You can single-handedly transform your relationship.

Start by asking yourself the following challenging questions. Be as honest as you can – I’m not judging you, and nobody is looking over your shoulder!

• Deep down – were you perhaps wanting your wife/husband to be wrong, humiliated and belittled for whatever reason?
• Were you looking for ways to justify your behaviour because you consider yourself to be better?
• Were you looking for ways to feel better about yourself because you’re eaten up by guilt, self-blame and shame?
• Were you pointing the finger to strengthen your own position – perhaps that of a victim rather than a perpetrator (for example, if you were cheating on your partner)?

I know they’re tough questions. But, as I’ve mentioned, increasing your self-awareness is an important relationship skill. It allows you to adjust your behaviour, not because your spouse demands it but because you want the best version of yourself.

So, instead of blaming your spouse for everything, here’s what I hope you’ll learn to do to help you become a better husband (link), wife or partner.

10 tips to help you become a more considerate, empathetic partner

1. Don’t be drawn into a discussion about whatever’s happened until you’ve calmed down.
2. Stay calm and at least be considerate. There’s no place for meanness in a relationship. You make mistakes, and so does your partner.
3. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. You might be wrong: perhaps you haven’t seen the whole picture and have jumped to conclusions.
4. To help you consider alternative explanations, take a look at their behaviour from different angles – there are likely to be several different reasons why they might have done X, Y or Z.
5. Avoid “Yes, you did” and “No, you didn’t” arguments.
6. During an adult conversation, aim to find out whether your partner acted with full knowledge of the potential consequences of their actions.
7. Aim to find out if they intended to hurt you. If they did, take your time to consider what that means for the health of your relationship.
8. Discuss what could have been the reason for their behaviour.
9. Discuss whether whatever they did or didn’t do could have been avoided and what you could both do to help prevent it from happening again in the future.
10. Consider whether the problem is short-term and solvable. Or has it been a significant issue or pattern of behaviour for too long (in which case, I highly recommend you discuss it with a relationship therapist!

All these measures will help you become a supportive husband, wife or partner and practise healthy ways of dealing with issues.

Step 4. Stop blaming yourself and build your self-esteem

Perhaps you’re blaming yourself for everything wrong in the relationship but yourself. What if that’s become your habit?

How helpful is it to blame yourself?

Not one bit!

(Well, unless you’ve done something drastic to harm your relationship, like have an affair. But even so – it’s still not really about blame; it’s more about taking responsibility for your behaviour.)

We are all as individual as the stars in the sky. That includes you! There is no one else with the same potential, capacity, talents and resources with which you’ve come into this world.

So, it’s time to stop blaming yourself because:

• it might land you in an unhelpful victim role.
• It can leave you feeling powerless needlessly.
• You’d only pile on more shame and guilt, leading to further feelings of failure and worthlessness. 
• You’d become more emotional, compromising your ability to take positive and effective action.

Remember? The more emotional we are as human beings, the less we can think straight.

An old part of your brain – involved in fight, flight or freeze – takes charge, leading to all-or-nothing black-and-white thinking.

You’re more likely to make nonsensical, spur-of-the-moment decisions when your emotions are running high. Not to mention spitting out things you later regret!

Why waste your precious energy on undermining yourself?

You stand the best possible chance of creating positive changes by:

• owning your responsibility. 
• Being accountable for your thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
• Engaging your partner in an open and honest conversation.
• Deciding which problems can be solved and acting on them (not just to please your partner, but more so yourself!).

It may take some time for your partner to see you in a different light. But moving away from blaming and replacing it with taking responsibility removes a ton of stress from your relationship. And I promise you that you’ll feel much better when you stop criticising yourself constantly.

I hope it will also help you to read my article on how to build your self-esteem. It’s full of encouraging tips and advice to help you develop more resilient emotional health.

Step 5. Improve your relationship skills even further

We’ve already looked at when it’s time to end your relationship. So, let’s now discuss how to prevent a complete relationship breakdown and divorce. And how to (re)build your relationship by eliminating that toxic atmosphere of blaming.

I know you’re here because your spouse or partner is blaming you for everything. But you’ll have realised by now that you can’t change them.

Here’s what you can do:

• Focus on the positives and actively thank them for what they bring to the relationship by, for example, writing Thank you and Love you notes.
• Learn everything you can about building a healthy relationship.
• Learn to sincerely apologise when you know you’ve messed up.
• Learn how to be a better spouse or partner.
• Discover how to be a more supportive spouse.

Does your spouse blame you for their unhappiness and infidelity?

As a relationship therapist, I have heard many a spouse blame their partner for their affair.

So, let me be clear on this one – you are not to blame for your partner or spouse’s infidelity! They made a choice when they engaged emotionally and perhaps physically with someone other than you.

However, if you recognise they had every right to complain about your lack of interest, love and commitment, you’ll know what you need to do to win them back. You are then partly responsible for their unhappiness, but not their affair!

Read more: Complete guide to dealing with infidelity.