A 3-step plan for slitting up with children involved

How to split up with a child involved

I suspect you’re feeling devasted now you want to end your relationship and split up with your partner when you have a child.

(If you’ve landed here because you’re breaking up because of your partner’s child, you’re likely interested in what to do when your partner’s children don’t accept you.)

I suspect the last thing you’d wanted to do was to prevent your child from growing up with both parents. Times have probably been hard. I can’t imagine how many nights you’ve laid awake worrying about what to do.

I’m so glad you’ve landed here.

I’ve already written extensively on how to break up a relationship, so I’m going to be brief about that here. I’ll refer you to articles already containing a ton of detailed information, expert relationship- and breakup advice and savvy tips on how to end a relationship further down.

I hope to help you focus on your child’s well-being as much as possible during this challenging time.

Let’s start with how to break up first and then focus on children.

How to break up with your partner with a child

Step 1. Learn how to break up

I’ll assume you’re in the early stages of figuring out what it’s going to take to break up with one or more kids involved. I’m so glad you’re taking the time to figure it out in advance instead of packing your bags and leaving.

I’ll refer you to several articles in which you’ll learn step-by-step how to go about splitting up. You’ll discover how to be sure, what the reasons for a breakup could be, how to tell your partner, how to split up your possessions, how to find a lawyer if you need one and what to do about your joint social circle.

Since I can’t know your circumstances, I’ll cover several:

• You’re leaving a toxic relationship.
  In this case, I’d like you to scroll down to the bottom of my article on the signs of an abusive relationship. There you’ll find the links to specialist domestic violence organisations. I recommend you contact them first to ask for advice on how to leave a toxic relationship with a child involved.
• You’re breaking up with someone you still love.
  That’s so tough on you! You’re aware there’s no future in this relationship, so it needs to end. I’d like you to read How to break up with someone you still love and how to get over someone you still love.
• You’ve fallen out of love
  and have wanted to end the relationship for a while. For you, I recommend the Complete guide to breaking up.
• In all three circumstances,
  I especially recommend my article on how to break up when you’re living with someone.

Now, let’s focus on breaking up with the children involved.

Step 2. Discover how to break up with a child (or children)

How the breakup might affect a child’s general wellbeing

The end of your relationship or marriage itself won’t necessarily have a lasting damaging impact on your children.

In some circumstances, your decision to separate may even benefit your children. That is when you’re leaving a toxic relationship, for example.

Yes, I know that many studies have shown that divorce has dire outcomes for the children’s future.

However, if your relationship is peppered with destructive arguments, contempt and abuse, your children are at risk also. They’re more likely to be affected by the conflict than they might be by the breakup.

A breakup, though, will cause much upheaval and pain, frustration and anguish to boot. Naturally, that’ll affect your children (I know that from personal as well as professional experience).

How they’ll get through the ending of the relationship and how fast they’ll recover depends very much on your and your soon-to-be ex’s attitude. Children’s well-being will also depend on how secure they’ll feel where they’ll come to live.

You’ll also need to keep conflict away from them as much as possible. That requires you to show a willingness to be civil to your partner and compromise when necessary. Depending on how they’ll take the breakup, that’s probably no mean feat if you feel your partner is taking the blood from underneath your nails!

Nevertheless, you’ll have to continue to problem-solve with your children’s needs at the forefront of your mind.

Your kid’s ability to process the losses and recover from this life-changing upheaval also depends on how you both communicate with them about the breakup.

Let’s start by looking at what your children might be experiencing.

How your kids respond to your relationship problems and impending breakup

Children from a very young age are well aware of their parents’ or carers’ conflict. Depending on their age, they hear and are aware of the adult’s confusion, hurt, stress, distress and anger.

How come?

• You’re (both) acting out your troubles in front of them.
• They overhear conversations – yours and other adults in their life.
• They can sense there’s something amiss. They know you’re hurting, that you’re not yourself, are short of patience, and have no inclination to do fun things. They notice you’re generally less responsive.
• They ask questions and ‘interpret’ your- and other people’s answers.
• They’re told by you, your partner and other people what’s happening – with or without ill-intent.

In other words, depending on their age, your children may be more informed than you think. And they’ll have drawn their own conclusions about the breakup – rightly and wrongly.

How to minimise the effects of a breakup, separation and divorce on your children

Remember that no matter how lousy you feel, your children will need a as normal as possible routine and a ton of reassurance.

Let’s start with what to avoid if you can.

4 ways you could inadvertently make the breakup even more difficult for your children

1. Speaking badly of your partner to – or in front of – the children.

Even if your partner was abusive to you, your children might still love them.

Unless your ex abused your children, they have the right to show them their love unhindered by concerns for your feelings.

2. Making promises you’re not sure you can keep

Avoid making promises you suspect or know you can’t keep.

You might think a particular promise as a trade-off lets you off the hook. But a broken promise will mean another let-down for your children and a dent in their relationship with you.

3. Letting other people get away with speaking badly about you or your partner

Encourage people in your social circle to avoid speaking badly of either one of you, no matter who they are.

Your kids may already feel torn, and other people’s opinions can confuse them even more, further increasing their distress. Their anguish isn’t necessarily outwardly visible!

4. Letting your children get away with unacceptable behaviour.

You may understandably feel the need to be a little more lenient during a breakup. Maybe you want to compensate for their distress and alleviate your feelings of guilt. Or you simply haven’t the energy to deal with whatever’s happening appropriately.

However, understandable, those interventions are about your needs. Your children need boundaries to help them feel safe and secure (even if they don’t experience it like that!). They need to know what is and isn’t acceptable and to be held accountable for their behaviour.

How to help your children cope with a breakup

It would be easy to assume that your children know you love them and that all will be well, regardless of what the future holds.

Not so!

Their world is about to be turned upside down.

Therefore, you need to help them understand what they can and cannot expect.

8 things your children ideally need to hear when you’re splitting up

1. You and your partner both love them.
2. You’ll both continue to care for them (if at all possible).
3. You’ll not leave them.
4. You’ll both see them and speak to them on the telephone.
5. It’s not their fault (however ‘naughty’ they may have been).
6. They’re very special (with precisely the reasons why they’re special).
7. What will happen, at least in the short-term, taking into account their understanding of time and timing (which is age-related).
8. You’re interested in their views. However, you and your partner will make the decisions, however difficult and upsetting.

Comforting and reassuring your children can be ever so challenging if you’re unsure exactly where life will take you. On top of that, understandably, you probably don’t feel at your best right now.

I’ve got you!

Here’s a list of tips to help you along. 

10 tips for when you’re splitting up with kids

1. Keep other changes to a minimum

Significant changes – for example, moving house, changing schools, or finding a new romantic partner – invariably mean losses, even if there are positive aspects.

A new partner, for example, could mean the loss of hope that mum and dad will get back together again. Whilst you might think that unlikely, your brood needs time to come to that conclusion themselves. 

2. Make time to simply be with them

Play with them, watch them, cuddle them. Ideally, when not giving instructions, lessons or direction. Simply join them and have some fun. Yes, I know it may be difficult to find the time. Heaven knows what you’ve already got on your plate. But, you also need that time to relax!

3. Make it possible for them to love you both

Please don’t ask them to choose between the two of you or make disparaging remarks about your (ex)partner. Allow them to talk about how they’ll be able to spend their time with the other parent.

4. Be fair when breaking up with a child involved

Ensure they don’t feel they’re letting you or your partner down.

You may well feel disappointed by some of the choices they make. But avoid letting them know you feel hurt because they want their other parent or carer to come to an event, for example.

5. Encourage and maintain contact with both sides of the family

Your children and members of your partner’s family may have created unique bonds. Losing contact with much-loved grandparents, for example, would mean another loss after the breakup.

6. Continue to visit friends as normal

Your children need to be able to visit their friends as normal, and so do you. Your children are used to seeing certain people regularly, and those contacts come with their own comforts.

7. Don’t let them overhear

You’re likely to share concerns, thoughts and feelings about the breakup with friends and family.

Naturally, you’ll want to let off steam and get advice from trusted (non-judgemental) friends and family!

Make sure, though, that your children can’t overhear you.

You may think that they can’t hear you, but under the circumstances, they are finely tuned to certain types of conversations. So, your whispering, for example, becomes the cue to listen harder.

8. Offer opportunities to talk about the problems

Make it possible for your children to express their worries and concerns by openly inviting them. Gently ask them questions and encourage them to expand on their answers: “Can you tell me a little more about that?”

If they can’t or won’t talk, you could ask them to draw. Older children may find it easier to talk during an activity.

9. Do your best to maintain a sense of calm

I understand that your patience may be short, but shouting encourages them to shout also.

I get it that you may ‘slip up’ under the circumstances. So, take a break for a few minutes when you begin to feel overwhelmed.

Apologise if necessary, tell your children that you didn’t mean to shout, that you’re tired and just a bit grumpy. That, they’ll understand!

10. Make sure you manage your finances

Chances are, your financial situation will come under considerable strain. However, this is not a time to ignore the letters on the doormat and pretend all is well. The sooner you take stock and actively manage your finances, the more likely you retain a sense of control.

Your children are unlikely to get what they had before the breakup. When you can help them understand the situation calmly and confidently, they’re less likely to get scared.

How to look after yourself when breaking up with a child (or children)

Step 3. Helping yourself to help your children

You owe it to yourself and the children to look after yourself as best you can while going through a breakup. I know that can be a tall order when there are so many demands on your time and energy.

Make sure that, at the very least, you eat and rest well.

For more tips and advice, hop over to my article on treating depression without medication.

When you are coping well, your kids will do better.

I also recommend you download an expertly produced hypnosis audio to help you get through this challenging time.

Discover for yourself how self-hypnosis can help you by reading my article Hypnosis FAQ and downloads.