Breaking up with someone you live with is far more difficult than when you're in a dating relationship relationship (1). You're likely to have built up a collection of shared assets and networks, and disentangling yourself from these may be very challenging indeed. I suspect you've already considered all of this and, as a result, just shelved the whole idea of breaking up - maybe even more than once. And we haven’t even mentioned the emotional impact of a breakup yet, regardless of which one of you is the instigator.
Breaking up with someone you live with can also be made more difficult if:
I'm a professional couples therapist with 24 years’ experience under my belt. Believe me when I say I understand the challenge you’re facing! So, I’ve written this article to help you navigate this difficult situation. I'll take you step by step through what you need to do.
To start with, let’s cover all of the most common practicalities that need to be dealt with. Here's an interactive quiz to help you discover your next step…
Do you feel that you’ve done all you can to make the relationship a success, but that your efforts have been in vain? Have the two of you grown apart, or have you simply fallen out of love with your partner? Are you in love with someone else?
Whatever the reason for your decision to end the relationship, I’d encourage you at this point to take a step back for a moment. Many relationships really do need to end, but just as many good relationships are abandoned unnecessarily.
You’re considering a huge step - leaving your partner whilst you're living together - so before we carry on…
When you’re feeling relatively calm, give yourself some space to think about your answers to these questions:
If the answer to any of those questions is no, here's what I'd like you to do next, before you go through with the breakup...
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If so, how far along are the preparations for the wedding?
I totally understand that it might now feel impossible to break up, especially if wedding prep is in full swing.
But the fact that you’ve found yourself on this page means alarm bells are already ringing loudly for you. I’m sure your immediate concern is the potential backlash from cancelling the wedding. But THE most important question here is: can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with your partner?
If the answer is "no", then you know you’re not in the right relationship. And as difficult as it might be right now, cancelling the wedding will cause far less grief in the long-run (for everyone concerned) than going ahead with it just to avoid the short-term upset.
If you’re not convinced the relationship needs to end, go back to the three steps above to help you figure that out. I’d also recommend that you take a look at my series of articles on how to make your partner love you again. You can check if there's anything else you can do that'll make a difference.
You could discuss together whether living apart for a little while would be a good way forward. It could give you both a chance for quiet contemplation and re-evaluation. Maybe you just need a little time alone to help you figure out all the stuff you’re dealing with right now.
Does absence make the heart grow fonder?
It may well do. During a trial separation, you and/or your partner might be confronted with what you're missing about each other. But, will it be the positives you become aware of?
If you do go down this route, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Taking a temporary break in the hope that your partner will suddenly want you more or fall in love with you again is a somewhat manipulative way to change the dynamics.
It could also keep your partner's hopes alive that the two of you will get back together again. If you know that there's no chance of that, than take a deep breath, be brave and honest, and take the flack. Your partner will still hurt, but he or she will recover much quicker than if their hopes had been falsely kept alive.
If your partner is physically, sexually and/or emotionally abusive, then you need to be extremely careful when breaking up. There is a chance that the breakup may trigger a desire for revenge. Therefore, the only responsible advice I can give you here is to point you to my article on the signs of an abusive relationship. There, you'll find a list with links to organisations that can offer help and/or information. Make sure you get all the support you need to get you safely out of this relationship.
If you're not sure if you're in an abusive relationship, start with reading my article on what constitutes emotional abuse.
When you’ve made the decision to end the relationship here's what not to do.
Why do I hope you won't do those things?
Well, for starters, they’re disrespectful to yourself and your partner. But also, they’ll just make the whole situation so much more unpleasant and difficult for everyone involved.
Why is this important?
Well, if you're already in love with or seeing someone else, you probably already know that your partner won’t be best pleased about it.
There's no ideal solution to this scenario. So, the best thing to do is to be honest and stay calm. "Easier said than done", you may think, and you're right. Breaking up with someone you live with is never going to be easy, particularly not if they discover that you've been unfaithful.
Here are some ideas on what you can do, though…
Be honest. Sometimes an affair can remain hidden during a relationship. Unfortunately, at the time of a breakup it's likely to become known - if not immediately, then soon after.
Allow your partner to feel what they feel. There's nothing more you can do about it; you just have to ride the storm. Don't defend, don't get angry - it's too late for all that.
Here are some examples of what you could say:
"I totally get that you're angry, as I would be too if I was in your shoes. I just wish I wasn't the cause of your anguish." (I hope you could genuinely feel like that)
"I can see how much this is hurting you. And I’m sorry, but I know breaking up is the right thing to do - for both of us."
Don’t become self-righteous or make yourself out to be the victim. You may well have had reasons for finding love elsewhere, but your partner is unlikely to accept those as excuses. All that will happen is that you’ll inflame the situation, and you’ll face a messier, more drawn-out breakup.
Consider - and plan for - the financial implications of ending your relationship. Depending on your circumstances, you might need to get legal advice.
You might have to think about expenses associated with:
I so hope that the two of you can bring yourselves to negotiate fairly and peaceably. Not only will that save you both money, but it’ll dramatically reduce the stress you’re already under because of the breakup itself.
Here’s how you can start sorting out your finances:
Make a list of all joint insurance policies, credit/store cards, banks and savings accounts so you can see exactly what needs to be dealt with.
Highlight the things you need to attend to immediately, particularly if your partner is running up bills on joint credit cards and bank accounts. For further information, see the Money Advice Service ⧉.
Make a list of any debts you've incurred, e.g. credit cards, store cards, overdrafts, loans, rent arrears, outstanding bills and mortgage payments etc.
Separate out your personal debts and prepare to discuss how you'll divide the remainder with your partner, if possible. However, the best plan is to consult with a legal adviser, particularly if you have a mortgage.
Explore alternative accommodation (consider getting some legal advice first). Decide how much it's going to cost you to live on your own, with the help of a budget planner. Here's one from the National Debtline ⧉. Remember to take into consideration your part in paying off any debts.
So, now you're ready to prepare, let's talk about how to end your relationship with your live-in partner...
This probably isn’t high on your list right now. However, I highly recommend you carefully consider what to do about shared family and friends.
But remember: you don’t have to defend or justify your actions or decisions to anyone!
I know... it can be a difficult and sad task! :-(
Breaking up with someone you live with is undoubtedly going to be difficult and painful. It’s also not all going to get resolved overnight. So, be sure to allow sufficient time for the whole process - for your sake, and your partner’s.
Once you’ve had the “it’s over” conversation, don’t expect your partner to be ready to negotiate on possessions the very next day, or even the following week.
Separating homes, finances, possessions and your emotional ties will all take time, perseverance and hard work. But no matter how monumental the challenge may seem, know these two things:
Remain civil throughout if you can, and I promise you - you will get your life back on track again. Just take it all one step at a time :-)
I really hope this article is of help to you. :-)
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Thank you so much in anticipation. :-)
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