12 expert relationship-building communication tools for couples

Effective communication tools, tips and advice for couples

I’m delighted you’re looking for relationship-building communication tools for couples. Because, ‘communication is key’ after all, isn’t it.

No doubt you’ve heard this before but it’s easier said than done. Communication in a relationship can be really tricky. I know from professional as well as personal experience.

But the only way the two of you are going to be happier and more relaxed with each other is if you fix your communication problems. You’ve made a great start by looking for the right communication tools.

It’s my aim to help you out – so, onwards and upwards- :-)

What do I know about relationship building and communication tools for couples?

I am a qualified couples therapist (no longer practising) with 24 years of experience in professional practice. I know what it takes to build and maintain a happy relationship – particularly during challenging times!

I’ve helped hundreds of couples with communication tools and mastering relationship-building skills. Not only that, but they also gained the confidence to trust, let go, relax and have fun together.

Using my experience, I have developed a whopping bundle of savvy communication tools for couples to help you get to know each other better, repair your relationship and take it to the next level.

Let’s talk communication

Get your communication right and you’ll make a great start on the road to a happy and fulfilling relationship or marriage.

That doesn’t mean you’re not going to have any relationship issues or marital problems along the way (sorry!)… but it does mean you’ll be able to handle them better.

Effective communication is at the heart of any relationship – personal, professional and business. There’s nothing quite so attractive in a person as their ability to truly attend and listen.

Ineffective listening, on the other hand, can spoil what you’re trying to achieve in terms of building a positive, rewarding, cooperative and loving relationship.

What’s causing your problems?

As a counsellor I was often asked these questions…

• Why doesn’t my partner, wife or husband do or say something?
• Why don’t they understand?  
• Why don’t they do what I asked so politely (or not!)?
• Why can’t they see how much this or that hurts me?
• Why am I getting the silent treatment?
• Why can’t he/she be nice to me?
• What am I doing wrong?
• Why did he/she cheat on me?

I totally understand that you’d want – and need – direct answers to these kinds of questions!

You may feel hurt, and struggle to understand why – after frequent explanations – your partner still doesn’t get what you’re saying. You may have repeated the same thing over and over again, and now the issue simply leads to an argument.

Even if you thought you had finally got through, it can be really frustrating when nothing actually changes in the long run.

So let’s look at what’s going on…

Why you might need this bundle

A little background information before we get to the communication tools…

When you first met your partner, you were really relating to a fantasy. You were flushed with feel-good chemicals and hormones. They helped you to conveniently edit out important information about your new beau.

That edited stuff would have been all the things you were happy to turn a blind eye to in the beginning.

You didn’t reveal all of yourself either… in some sense, you presented yourself as the princess or the knight and edited out your flaws. (Hey, it’s natural… we all have parts of ourselves that we’d rather keep hidden, at least at first!)

You might even have lied to your spouse or partner.

And now you’re likely confronted with things you previously turned a blind eye to, consciously or unconsciously.

You’re now both becoming aware of what and who you’re really dealing with. And now you’re having to accept, reject, challenge and negotiate.

In a good-enough relationship, observing, learning about and communicating about what’s inside each of your heads is a continuous process.

You’re fine-tuning your perceptions by trial and error and creating something more realistic and mature as a result.

Relationship problems creep in when you both think you’re talking about the same thing when in reality you’re not. You could easily think you’re speaking a different language at times!

Why you may not understand each other

And why you might need these free communication tools for couples!

This takes a bit of explaining and you may have to reread this section a couple of times.

We all view the world, other people and ourselves through a template.

Your template is shaped by your age, gender, culture, health, previous experiences and so on. It determines the way you see and understand the world around you. It sets the stage for how you interpret what other people, including your spouse, say.

The way I used to help my clients understand how that works was by setting them a task…

I would ask them to both write down which 5 words they would associate with the words love and friendship. They might have only two or three words in common.

Do the following test with your partner or spouse to see for yourself…

Having communication issues?

Why you may not both be on the same page

As human beings, we tend to surround ourselves with people who think in a similar way to us. They confirm the way we see ourselves – conciously and unconsciously to them and us. So do the books we read, the TV programmes we watch and the music we listen to.

We’re constantly filtering out information that doesn’t fit with how we see ourselves, without even knowing we’re doing it.

Our template or script of what happens, externally and internally, colours our interpretation of everything that happens.

We make assumptions and/or jump to conclusions. We automatically rely on prior learning.

Your spouse or partner also views the world, which includes you, through their personal template.

The words your partner uses, for example, are only symbols for whatever’s in their head. Their brain has transferred it into language. Your interpretation, based on your template, may not come anywhere close to what they actually meant!

For this reason, it’s no wonder that you misunderstand each other so easily and so often!

Try the following communication test and exercise to discover for yourself…

Different interpretations and representations aren’t in themselves a problem. In fact, you now know that we all think, feel and understand things in our own unique way.

But relationship communication issues arise when those natural differences aren’t taken into consideration. We misunderstand and miscommunicate when we make assumptions about what someone else means or does.

So it’s vital that you make sure that you understand what your partner means. The only way to do that is to check by simply check! Repeat in your own words what you think you heard them say and ask if you’re correct.

I’m going to teach you some pro listening skills now.

First of all…

You can’t *not* communicate

Even without uttering a sound, your body leaks information.

You communicate nonverbally by the way you look, and how you hold and move your head, legs, torso and arms.

You’ll no doubt have seen someone folding their arms tightly, rolling their eyes and letting out a deep sigh. And it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that they’re displeased, without them uttering a single word!

So, keep your body language in mind when you don’t want your partner to become defensive, argumentative and avoidant.

Ways to fix communication in a relationship

Improving your chances of a sparkling conversation

To stand any chance at all of having a truly meaningful conversation, you’ll need to be sure you treat your partner or spouse with respect.

Remember, therefore to avoid at all costs:

• judging
• jumping to conclusions
• making assumptions
• making critical comments about the person (instead, talk about the behaviours you have a problem with)
• manipulating your spouse or partner (see: Signs of emotional abuse)
• wanting to win an argument.

What if you’ve messed up before?

It’s very likely that you’ve made a ton of mistakes. Haven’t we all!

Perhaps you’ve lost your temper, shouted at your partner or shut down when they tried to talk to you. If so, don’t beat yourself up about it. 

Acknowledge where you’ve gone wrong in the past, stop complaining (opens in a new tab), apologise and commit to improving your communication skills. 

It might take a little while for your partner to know how to respond to your new way of having important conversations with them. But be gently persistent and help them to feel like they really can talk to you this time.

Now, get cracking with these free fun and healthy relationship-building tools.

12-part kit with relationship-building communication tools for couples

What’s included?

The complete relationship-building bundle contains 12 separate, action-oriented communication tools for couples – with fun and down-to-earth guides with communication tips and advice, quizzes, tests, inspiration and advice.

The complete kit with communication tools for couples contains everything you need to help you (re)build a healthy relationship.

Fix and deepen your relationship with the most comprehensive communication tools for couples

Instructions for downloading and storing your PDFs…

… just in case you’re unfamiliar with downloading and storing files.

• Create a new folder specially for the relationship-building communication tools for couples and give it a name you easily recognise
• Click ‘Download’ and check that you have navigated to your new folder
• The success of downloading the communication tools further down depends on the speed of your connection! If you’re having trouble, please wait until you’re confident you’ve got a better connection. Choose a time when you suspect your neighbours aren’t all playing games, downloading multiple files or watching videos.

Finally

At the heart of effective communication – and therefore at the heart of any relationship – lies the ability to listen and respond appropriately. 

I hope the two of you will enjoy using my relationship-building communication tools for couples with all its expert advice, guides, tests, tips and quizzes.

Please, pay it forward

Please, help others and share this page with all those free communication tools via your social media accounts.