Complete list: signs of an emotionally abusive wife

How to know your wife is (emotionally) abusive 

I’m so sorry to know you’re having to search the internet to find out if you have an emotionally abusive wife. 

Your wife may not have laid a finger on you, yet she might still be abusing you. Emotional abuse is classed as domestic violence – regardless of the gender of the perpetrator. I suspect you find that hard to admit if, indeed, your wife is emotionally abusing you.

Signs of emotional abuse regardless of gender

I’ve written this article for men wanting to know if their wife is (emotionally) abusive.

However, it applies to any close couple relationship.

People of all backgrounds, classes and genders are victims of domestic abuse. So, you’re by no means the odd one out.

Emotional abuse is all too common – and because it’s primarily verbal or psychological, it can be harder to identify than physical abuse.

The emotional abuse I describe, in which the abuser’s strategy is to completely undermine and control a spouse, is more commonly perpetrated by men.

Can women also be perpetrators?

Although women tend to be more harmed or frightened by violent abuse and are more likely to be injured or victims of repeated assaults, significant proportions of male victims are also severely assaulted and about one-third of those injured are men.

“News Briefing.” Parity – Campaigning for Equal Rights for UK Men and Women. N.p., n.d. Web. 08 Nov. 2017.

Ultimately, women are far more often victims of domestic violence. It’s clear that men are more violent, and more women are killed by their partners.

Emotional and mental abuse isn’t always included under the domestic violence umbrella, so stats aren’t that helpful here. 

Also, published studies show huge discrepancies between each other as domestic violence often goes unreported – victims fear repercussions.

However…

“The findings of the present study suggest that men’s overall risk of emotional abuse may be increasing while women’s risk may be decreasing.” 

Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: The role of gender and age

What matters here, though, is what’s happening to you personally right now. That’s why you landed on my page.

Is your wife mentally and emotionally abusive?

Is your wife deliberately out to hurt you, or is she a lousy communicator and shouting and hollering abuse to get you to do what she wants? Or is the way you’re treating her less than desirable?

While the latter is undoubtedly verbal abuse, it might not be classed as the kind of mental and emotional abuse designed to keep you feeling small and insignificant.

There is a difference, as you’ll discover further down.

What do I know?

I’m a (semi-retired) relationship therapist with 24 years of experience, during which time I’ve helped thousands of people.

So, my aim is to help you figure out what to do if you have an (emotionally) abusive wife.

Let’s look together at what might be happening to you and the signs of an abusive wife.

Signs your wife is emotionally abusive

When someone is emotionally abusive, they find ways to deliberately put you down in a calculated attempt to make you feel inferior. And to control you.

In other words, they hurt your feelings on purpose.

They habitually humiliate you by deliberately embarrassing or upsetting you.

16 emotional abuse signs

Here’s how your wife can hurt your feelings on purpose:

1. Your wife attacks you verbally and calls you names, such as “you’re an idiot, you’re stupid”.
2. They call you by ‘pet names’ to undermine you and hurt you.
3. They laugh at your expense, both at home and publicly, or…
4. They’re charming in the company of others but turn on you the moment nobody can overhear.
5. They cut you down when you’re contributing to a conversation (if you even dare to speak).
6. They scoff, mock, jeer, belittle, or taunt you. These are all ways of communicating with the intent to hurt you emotionally and ‘make’ you feel really small.
7. They sneer at and ridicule you; they pull a face or laugh cruelly to keep hurting you.
8. They dismiss or reject anything you say as not worthy of consideration or not true.
9. They judge you as incapable, inferior, too this, too that (e.g. too slow, too thin, too fat, too needy etc.).
10. They trivialise any concerns or complaints you may have if you’ve even dared to express them.
11. They use vicious sarcasm to put you down.
12. They know how to push your buttons when they want to hurt or upset you or simply get a reaction from you.
13. They blame you for their poor behaviour.
14. They punish you by withholding love and affection.
15. They’re unpredictable.
16. They hide or destroy your possessions so that you begin to doubt yourself.

There may be other signs of an abusive spouse you hadn’t even considered were aimed at undermining you. So, I’d like you to also take my abusive relationship test. 

Over time, these deliberate attempts to make you feel bad or not worthy (or whatever else your abuser wants you to feel) will start to wear you down.

With your confidence knocked, it’s no wonder you begin to doubt yourself and are less able to call them out for their misdemeanours.

You become ever more confused, fragile and defenceless against her abuse.

And so the vicious circle continues, especially because your wife may intersperse her abuse with morsels of love – and even apologies.

How to know your wife is mentally abusive

Mental and emotional abuse signs – manipulation

Emotional abuse involves much manipulation – sometimes subtle, sometimes overt. However it’s done, it’s always with one goal in mind: so that you’ll do what your wife wants you to do.

Your wishes, sensibilities and boundaries are disregarded. Your wife may even threaten to harm you if you don’t do what you’re ‘supposed’ to do.

9 mental abuse signs

1. Threatening to harm you or your loved ones
2. Threatening to leave you if you don’t do what she wants
3. Threatening to ‘expose’ you by telling your secrets to your boss, friends, or family. Or she makes public any private and intimate photos/messages you’ve shared with them in confidence. 
4. Threatening to hurt you physically if you don’t do as you’re told
5. Stonewalling to punish you – or for no other reason than to make you feel on edge. (Stonewalling means that they act like you haven’t spoken, and they disregard any attempts you make to engage them – in other words: the ‘silent treatment’)
6. Turning the tables and blaming you whenever you try to question their behaviour
7. Threatening to hurt you, your loved ones or themselves by committing suicide – if you even mention wanting a divorce.
8. Playing mind-games. Your wife will lift you up emotionally one moment and drop you the next in ways.
9. Hurting your pets! In that case, I suspect your wife isn’t only mentally abusing you. Do read my article Signs of an abusive relationship.

And it’s not only the above list that makes you feel stressed, depressed and on edge. Your wife’s mood can also change in the blink of an eye and often entirely out of the blue.

Emotional and mental abuse signs you may be overlooking

Other ways your spouse might intimidate you 

There are, unfortunately, many other ways abusers find to manipulate their victims, for example, by:

1. Withholding money: not letting you have any (or much) cash, or taking your debit/credit cards away and controlling the finances.
2. Keeping hold of your passport or other identity papers.
3. Stopping or limiting your access to healthcare.
4. Controlling what you can wear or eat, or which friends you can see and when.
5. Watching you closely to see whether you look at other women – possessiveness and extreme jealousy are signs of emotional abuse.
6. Stalking you online.

And unfortunately, emotional abuse can often be accompanied by or followed by physical abuse.

See my article on the signs of an abusive relationship for more on this.

Emotional or mental abuse signs: you, your loved ones and your spouse

Have other people noticed your wife being abusive?

People around you have likely started to notice your wife’s treatment of you. That is unless she’s publicly deliberately being very nice to you.

Perhaps your friends have felt anything from awkward to outraged.

They may have said something on your behalf or kept quiet, suspecting you’d be ‘punished’ for it later or wouldn’t appreciate their ‘interference’.  

If they did defend you publicly, you might have felt anxious about the possible consequences, including getting the silent treatment.

You might avoid certain people, knowing they’re critical of your wife and possibly also of you.

Social isolation

Your wife also might make it increasingly difficult for you to see your friends and family by being increasingly critical.

Possibly you choose to see your friends less often because you don’t want to be confronted by yet another argument or barrage of concern.

On the flip side, some friends would have stopped inviting you and/or your wife because they don’t want the bad atmosphere.

You’re left without the support of those who genuinely care about you, which may suit your abusive wife.

You’re now increasingly isolated.

The effects of emotional and verbal abuse

The consequences of having an emotionally abusive wife or partner

Still not convinced that you’re in an abusive marriage?

See how many of these questions you can answer with a YES:

• Have you felt low or even depressed lately?
• Have you found yourself becoming increasingly anxious?
• Do you feel like your self-esteem is in your boots?
• Do you find it increasingly difficult to make decisions?
• Have you become increasingly resentful, yet you convince yourself that you love your wife?
• Do you make choices based on what she might think rather than what you want?
• Are you increasingly preoccupied with avoiding ‘punishment’ of some sort instead of focussing on things you enjoy or need to do?
• Do you worry that you are ‘the problem’ and it’s all your fault?
• When your wife calls or walks up the path, do you feel edgy or scared?
• Have you been feeling on edge most of the time when you’re with your wife?
• Do you try to anticipate their every need bending backwards to please her?
• Even when away from her, do you worry she’ll suddenly appear? Or that she’ll find out ‘what you’ve been up to’?

How many of these questions did you answer with a yes?

Did they make you realise the impact your wife’s abuse has on you?

So, if you’re living with an abusive wife, t’s time to break the cycle.

You need to start protecting yourself from further heartache and pain.

Interested in what caused them to become emotionally abusive?

It’s doubtless hard to come to terms with the fact that your wife is abusing you. It might make you wonder what could have led your wife to behave like this. However, this is not your concern!

There is no excuse for their behaviour, regardless of…

• whatever’s happened to them in their life
• whatever they say a previous partner or spouse did to them
• however difficult a childhood they may have had
• however insecure they may or may not be deep down
• whatever else you (or they) may think is their problem.

You’ll never get to the bottom of it, and you cannot heal them!

It’s time to focus on yourself.

What to do when you’re being emotionally abused

You may well think and feel you love your wife, and they love you.

You may well have had some great times together.

However, if your wife is abusive, you’re in an unhealthy marriage.

Love shouldn’t hurt. In a healthy romantic relationship, you respect each other and treat each other with love, care, integrity and dignity.

4 steps to help you move on

When you can do so safely:

1. Contact one of the organisations below my article on abusive relationships for help and advice. This is even more important if you plan to separate and divorce your wife.
2. Learn how to clear your browsing data (opens in a new tab) so your wife can’t discover which websites you’ve accessed. Better still, in future use only public computers in an internet shop or a library.
3. Check your mobile phone and learn how it can be tracked (opens in a new tab).
4. Talk to a professional relationship coach or someone you can trust in your own surroundings – a health professional or other trusted family member or friend.

These four steps will get you started on the road to recovery.

It’s essential you get as much support as you can from people you can trust and who genuinely have your best interests at heart.

What about the future?

It’s time then to reconsider:

• who you really are
• what you stand for
• what your values and beliefs are
• how to set and maintain your boundaries
• how to (re)build your self-esteem
• what you really want from a relationship.

Although knowing all of that won’t guarantee you a better relationship or marriage in the future, it will help you make better decisions.

It’ll make you more able to spot any warning signs and less likely to put up with mistreatment (see also: How to deal with a narcissistic spouse).

An abusive marriage or not?

What do you really want from a relationship?

See how you do by taking the following test. It will help you to put your wife’s abusive behaviour in the context of the whole of your relationship.

What are you getting and what are you missing in this marriage?

What are the consequences of living with an abusive wife?

It's time for reflection and, when you're ready - decisions.

Finally

Emotional and mental abuse are often the first signs that your relationship problems are much more severe than you might have thought.

Yet, perhaps your relationship with your wife initially seemed the best thing that ever happened to you. It might still feel that way, despite the abuse.

I hope this article about the signs of an abusive wife has helped you figure out where you stand with her.

Is your wife abusive? Then with the right help, support, and personal determination, you can decide what to do next.

You've got this!

Where to get help

(Links open in new tabs)

Crisis Text Line International

For men and women

US and Canada - Domestic Abuse Helpline

For women

US - The National Domestic Violence Hotline
UK - Women's Aid

Australia - 1800respect

For men

Australia - One in Three Campaign
UK - ManKind Initiative

Sources

"Domestic Violence and Abuse." Domestic Violence and Abuse - GOV.UK. N.p., n.d. Web. 11 Nov. 2017.

"NCADV | National Coalition Against Domestic Violence." The Nation's Leading Grassroots Voice on Domestic Violence. N.p., n.d. Web. 11 Nov. 2017.