30-question quiz to discover if and how toxic you are in the relationship

Are you the toxic one in the relationship?

So you want to know if you are the problem in the relationship. If you are toxic, you’d probably also want to learn to what extent and what you can do about it.

Two things come to mind. Your partner can’t accept there’s anything wrong with them. They’re possibly abusive, but in any case, they’ve convinced you that you’re the problem.

Or, you’ve become aware that your relationship skills are lacking and that maybe you behave in ways that undermine the health of your relationship.

In both cases, I congratulate you for your courage and foresight!

You’re seizing the opportunity to increase your knowledge, awareness and understanding of what’s happening in your relationship.

Let’s get cracking to see if you’ve hurt your partner’s feelings on purpose and whether you have been physically, mentally or emotionally abusive.

First of all, though, I’d like you to know that as a relationship therapist (now retired), I do my best to avoid labels. I use the term ‘toxic’ here only because I know you might have used it to find this article.

How toxic are you?

I don’t know, of course, what makes you think you are toxic. Perhaps your partner is the toxic one, but they’ve made you believe you’re the one causing the problems in your relationship.

Regardless of your reason for being here, taking the test below will help you to figure it out.

Below you’ll my 30-question “Am I toxic?” quiz to help you determine for yourself if you’re the toxic one in your relationship or family.

There’s no way I could score this test because every action below points to questionable behaviour.

The best way to determine if and how toxic you are is to add up the questions you’ve had to answer with a “YES”.

The higher the total, the more abusive your behaviour is.

However, looking at it from a more positive angle – the higher the score, the more opportunities for you to improve your relationship skills.

If you are the toxic one in the relationship

How does someone become ‘toxic’?

You’re here because you’re keen to learn about yourself – that’s what I assume. So, before you decide that you’re an unhealthy influence and are damaging your relationship, know that I’m not in any way judging you. I’m just pleased you’re here.

Let’s look at what might have happened if you do acknowledge that you’re toxic.

As human beings, we all try to meet our inborn essential needs without consciously being aware of that motivation.

Our essential emotional needs include:

• giving and receiving attention
• feeling safe and secure
• feeling part of a community
• friendship, love, laughter
• feeling that we matter, that we’re seen, accepted and acknowledged for what we bring to a relationship or community
• privacy for time to contemplate and process experiences
• meaning and purpose.

You can see how having a close couple relationship can contribute to meeting those needs. However, you can also see how easily it can go wrong:

• if we don’t meet those needs in balance, and
• if we’re completely dependent on our partner to fulfil those needs

And that’s when we can unintentionally damage a relationship and harm a partner – in other words, that’s how we become toxic.

How we set about meeting our needs also depends on the example set by our caregivers, our experiences and our character.

It would matter a great deal if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, for example, where few of your needs were met. You’d have missed a chance to learn healthy communication skills if all your caregivers only shouted at you, made you feel inadequate and were always arguing. Your inborn resources might have been affected by being bullied in school.

Watch this TEDtalk by Signe M. Hegestand, who talks about the unconscious patterns underlying our behaviour.

How toxic are you? Quiz

1. Do you tend to criticise your partner a lot?
2. Is it easy for you to make them feel ‘wrong’ often, even if you don’t mean to do so?
3. Do you tend to want to control what happens in your relationship?
4. Do you sometimes, or even often, call your partner insulting or degrading names?
5. Do you ridicule your partner at times?
6. Do you feel overly jealous of your partner?
7. Do you feel jealous of the attention your partner gets, regardless of whom that might be?
8. Do you ever use hurtful and insulting language towards them?
9. Do you call them so-called ‘pet names’ aimed to undermine them?
10. Do you humiliate them in front of others or when the two of you are alone?
11. Do you tend to want their attention a lot of the time?
12. Do you find it difficult to let them do their own thing?
13. Have you made them feel guilty for not being a good-enough spouse or partner?
14. Do you tell them how unfortunate your children are for having such a lousy parent?
15. Do you move items and blame your spouse or partner for their disappearance?
16. Do you move things to make them question their sanity?
17. Do you play mind games to make them question themselves?
18. Do you tend to blame your partner for everything that’s not going your way?
19. Do you compliment your partner one moment and criticise them when they’re pleased?
20. Do you use the silent treatment on them – deliberately ignoring their presence or not talking to them?
21. Do you sometimes use threats to upset and scare your partner, your kids, and your partner’s family?
22. Have you ever threatened to ‘expose’ personal, intimate or embarrassing details about your partner to their boss, friends and family?
23. Have you ever threatened to hurt family pets?
24. Have you ever spread rumours about your partner – online or elsewhere?
25. Have you hurt your partner deliberately during ‘play-fights’?
26. Have you ever hit, punched, pinched, pushed or pulled your partner?
27. Have you ever forced your partner to do anything against their will?
28. Do you interfere with your partner’s need to see a doctor and take medication?
29. Do you decide on the contraceptives you or your partner uses?
30. Do you tend to disregard your partner’s wishes regarding your physical relationship?

The results of the “Am I toxic?” quiz

Perhaps you’re shocked to have discovered the extent to which you think you’re toxic. Or you can see now that you’re not the problem in the relationship, but your partner is.

Chances are, though, you’re somewhere in between. Perhaps you’ve become more aware of things you can improve and seen where your partner ‘should’ change (we’ll come back to that later). 

What if you are ‘toxic’ in a relationship?

Here’s your action plan

1. Avoid giving yourself a hard time. Remember, I’ve congratulated you on your intent to increase your awareness, knowledge and understanding. Be kind to yourself! Simply acknowledge you’ve got some work to do.
2. Read what you can about what’s needed to build a healthy relationship. There’s a ton of material on my site – all freely accessible. Beg and borrow books from friends or visit the library. Start by reading my article on how to argue fairly. link
3. Each evening before you nod off, remind yourself of what you’ve achieved. Then savour the good moments in your relationship – that day or in the past – for a few minutes.

What if your spouse or partner is toxic

Are you in an abusive relationship?

There is a good chance you’ve discovered that you’re not the problem but that you’re in an abusive relationship.

In that case, your partner is mean and likely has made you feel you’re to blame for everything, including your relationship problems.

If that’s the case, I’d like you to take my toxic relationship test now.

Do not let an abusive partner off the hook!

Here’s what not to do, think or believe:

• You can change your partner.
• They don’t mean to be cruel.
• They’ll change – they’ve promised.
• They’ve said sorry and how guilty they feel.
• They need you.

Finally

Hopefully, you’ll know now if you are toxic and ‘the problem’ in the relationship, your partner or spouse is, or you both have trouble building a healthy relationship.

Whatever the outcome of the “Am I toxic” quiz, you’ve already developed your knowledge, awareness and understanding!

Know that you’re far more capable, resilient and stronger than you think. Decide now to be kinder than you’ve ever been – to yourself, your partner or spouse and others.

You’ve got this! I’m championing your success and happiness.