19 reasons why your partner or husband is so mean to you

Discover why your husband is mean to you and what to do about it

I suspect you found my article feeling hurt, confused and angry all at the same time. Your husband is mean to you, suddenly or for too long to mention. Naturally, you want to know why he’s mean to you.

I was a relationship therapist for 24 years. Let me help you find out why your husband suddenly changed his demeanour toward you.

Just in case you wonder why I have written this article about men – this question is mostly asked by women!

How is your husband mean to you?

What does your husband do to hurt you deliberately?

Here are a few ways he could make your life miserable:

• He keeps you short of money.
• He shouts at you.
• He’s often sarcastic and hurts you with words.
• He uses the silent treatment on you.
• He ignores you for hours or even days.
• He blames you for everything.
• He constantly criticises you.
• He physically hurts you.

What it means when your husband is suddenly mean to you

Being mean to someone is a way of communicating displeasure. It’s a very unhealthy way to communicate with someone you’re supposed to love.

So, what does it mean then when a spouse suddenly becomes so mean?

Here’s what might have happened:

• He’s tried to get through to you in other ways without success. He doesn’t feel heard, acknowledged and taken seriously.
• He lacks communication skills full stop.
• There’s something serious going on that he feels unable to tell you.

So, let’s see then what he might be hiding and trying to tell you with his meanness lately.

Why is your husband so mean?

I suspect many of the following reasons your husband is mean will surprise you.

Remember, none of the following is an excuse for your husband being nasty to you.

I aim to increase your awareness of the possible underlying reasons for his behaviour.

When you have some idea of what might be going on for your husband, you can figure out what you need to say (see further down) and do.

3 reasons why your husband is deliberately mean to you

The following three reasons refer to your husband’s deliberate, calculated meanness:

• Your husband is cheating on you. He’s having an affair.
• Your husband or partner isn’t just mean – he’s abusive and always nasty to you.
• He has narcissistic traits, in which case he’s likely to always be mean to you.

6 reasons husband is mean to you because he’s getting in his own way

The following points relate to your husband’s mental health.

He’s likely to be stressed with no ‘spare capacity’ to deal with everyday irritations. He snaps at you and appears to be mean due to his mental state:

1. He’s very short of patience because he’s in pain.
2. He is depressed. He may be taking antidepressants, the side effects of which can cause irritability, anxiety, severe restlessness, impulsivity and hostility.
3. He’s stressed.
4. He’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
5. He’s addicted to video games, adult content, alcohol, illegal substances or anything else, which makes him very short-tempered and nasty.
6. He has little patience because he’s consumed with worries about money – he may even be lying and running up credit card debts.

10 reasons your husband has been mean toward you lately because of you

Your husband should have been talking to you about the following points.

He should have sat you down and explained that he has a problem with something. Then you would have been able to work together on doing something about it. You would have had a chance to improve your relationship and save your marriage.

Instead, unfortunately, your husband is mean to you. He doesn’t have the skills to tell you what the problem is.

Or he can’t be bothered, in which case, there’s little hope your marriage can survive.

1. He no longer finds you attractive.
   Perhaps you’ve let yourself go lately. Maybe you’ve put on a lot of weight. Your looks shouldn’t really matter, of course. However, unfortunately, for many men, it does play a big role when it comes to relationship happiness.
2. He doesn’t love you anymore.
   Perhaps you’ve been together for a long time, and the relationship has petered out as far as he’s concerned. Maybe you’ve grown apart, and he wants out.
3. He’s embarrassed by you.
   You’re doing or have done something around others that’s upset him. And, again, he doesn’t know how to tell you. He’s punishing you in a way.
4. He wants to end the relationship,
   but doesn’t know how to, hoping you’ll finish it if he’s nasty for long enough. Telling someone you want a break or splitting up is hard. So, he hopes you’ll want to get out.
5. He gets irritated and mean to you because he doesn’t understand you and can’t be bothered to try anymore.
6. He thinks you’re an attention-seeker.
   Perhaps he’s simply fed up with your demands (at least as he sees them).
7. He’s angry with you for not giving him what he wants in the bedroom. See my article on lack of physical intimacy.
8. He thinks you’re mean to him – his meanness is revengeful. See my article My wife is emotionally abusive. Check here to see if you’re the toxic one in this relationship.
9. You’ve ‘tricked’ him into something he severely regrets, such as getting pregnant, making a major purpose, introducing him to people he didn’t like, etc.
10. He can’t think of how to tell you he’s unhappy.

What to do when your partner or husband is mean to you

There’s only one thing you can do, and that is to tell him what you’ve noticed.

Here’s how to go about it.

Step 1 You mention the facts

Talk only about his behaviour. Don’t condemn him as a person, and stay calm.

“I’ve noticed lately that you say/do/repeat…”

Then state assertively that it’s not okay for him to treat you like that!

Step 2 You tell him how you feel

“When that happens, I feel rejected, hurt, angry, confused.”

Step 3 You tell him what the possible consequences

“I suspect there’s something you’re not telling me. If it carries on, I’m not sure our marriage will survive.” “Is that what you want?”

“I’d like you to know that I absolutely don’t accept this kind of treatment!”
“I respect you more if you’re honest with me even if I might not like what you’ve to say.”

Step 4 Give him time to tell you what’s going on

“Please, tell me now what’s on your mind.”

Stay quiet now. Don’t react or don’t interrupt. Just stay still and look encouragingly at your husband or partner.

Step 5 Suggest you work together to save the marriage

You may want to suggest couples counselling. Or you could ask someone in your social circle you both trust to help.

Regarding the latter, be sure to choose the right person – see my article on getting trustworthy relationship advice. link

Finally

You might be facing a really challenging time now your husband is so mean to you.

Just know that you’re far stronger and more resilient than you probably give yourself credit for. You are enough!