How cheating in a relationship or marriage can ruin a relationship

How infidelity in marriage can affect everyone

Cheating in marriage has an effect on everyone involved.

I’m going to help you look at what infidelity in a marriage can mean for you, your spouse or partner and your relationship.

Why?

Because, if you’ve fallen in love with someone else or are ‘simply’ enjoying an illicit affair for sex, it might well ruin your relationship or marriage. And you might not want that to happen.

First up, I want you to know, that it’s absolutely not my place (nor my intention) to judge you. I’ve simply written this article to help you discover all that’s at stake, based on my 24 years of experience as a couples counsellor.

Let’s start with what can happen if you’ve fallen in love with the person you’re having an affair with and you feel you’ve met your soulmate…

Thinking of breaking up to be with the other person?

It could be that you’ve met the love of your life, despite already being married or in a committed intimate relationship.

You may have fallen in love against your own expectation, wish or intention. It could even be that at the same time, you still really love your spouse or partner.

But, you know you love this new person too. It feels like you can’t help but love them – you can’t get them out of your head.

Watch this presentation (opens in a new tab) by anthropologist and human behaviour researcher Helen Fisher. She explains what happens in the brain with regards to lust, romantic love and attachment.

BTW, In some relationships there’s a possibility for a variety of reasons – be that for physical or emotional intimacy.) for either one or both of the partners to have an affair.

For the purpose of this article, I’m assuming you aren’t in a relationship where you can be open with your partner about your wish to have an affair or where a third person would be welcomed.

Considering setting up home with the other person?

There’s unlikely to be a smooth transition unless you really understand and face up to the potential impact of your infidelity.

However much you love the other person, your new relationship won’t stand a chance if you’re not handling the breakup of your primary relationship with the utmost care and attention.

A very angry partner or spouse will probably consume your time and energy for a long time to come. The risk of revenge is huge!

If you and your lover are both serious about your relationship, it requires you to invest time and energy in bringing about a dignified ending to your primary relationship or marriage.

Ending your relationship and getting a divorce (if you’re married) may well take longer than you’d hope, particularly if there are children involved.

But, if you do it kindly and considerately, you’re likely to feel better about yourself too.

A messy ending can add to any feelings of guilt you may already have after your betrayal. That’s not helpful for you, your ex or your new partner and any children!

Run away with your mistress or lover, or stay with your spouse?

Can’t make up your mind whether to go back to your spouse or set up home with your new partner?

Nobody can make that decision for you of course.

I’m sure you also realise that you can’t continue to have your cake and eat it! That’s simply showing no consideration and respect for all those involved, including yourself.

For you to survive your infidelity with your dignity intact, I highly recommend you get some expert relationship advice from an experienced relationship coach.

It’s easy to set up an online session (and get continued support if you need or want that). For further information see my page: Online relationship advice.

You may also like to read my articles How to decide to stay together or break up and How to heal from infidelity and stay together.

Single and having a relationship with a married man or woman?

What if you’re single, but you’re having an affair with someone who is in a committed intimate relationship or marriage?

Do the two of you see your relationship in the same way and do you have the same expectations?

Are you ‘a bit on the side’ (it’s a horrible expression isn’t it!)? Are you only there for the sex, joint interests and company, or are the two of you in a serious relationship?

If this is your first committed or serious relationship, you possibly don’t fully realise the upset and even trauma this illicit relationship is likely to create.

It’s difficult to imagine the huge investment on so many levels of building and maintaining a healthy relationship takes.

Also, you may well have been promised the earth by your lover. They’ve convinced you they’ll leave their spouse or partner and that the two of you will eventually be together forever. You just need to hang on that little bit longer, until this, that or the other.

However, if you’ve been together for months (or even years) and there’s been no movement in that direction, believe me when I say it’s very unlikely to happen.

Chances are the affair will eventually be discovered, and you’ll be the one to lose out. Or, you’re eventually just being discarded.

Of course, as I mentioned before, it’s possible that the two of you really are meant for each other.

Do take heed, then, of my comments above, particularly if your man or woman has children. Getting together and staying together means that you’ll become a carer or stepparent to those children!

Your love then comes with serious commitments and challenges that will have a much greater impact on your relationship than you’re experiencing now.

Infidelity and trust

When dealing with infidelity, all parties are likely to have difficulties with trust, both now and in the future.

If you’re married or in a serious relationship, your ‘other half’, having discovered your affair, will want to track your whereabouts, check up on you and question you constantly, particularly in the early stages.

They need to do that as part of their attempt to get over the betrayal and begin to trust you again.

Your betrayal could also have resulted in your spouse or partner feeling jealous whenever they find you even talking to another person if they’ve not been able to get over your infidelity.

You may come to feel that you’re never going to be forgiven!

You may worry too, that you’ve given your partner the green light to also have an affair. Indeed, your partner may at some point feel entitled to cheat on you by way of revenge and be forgiven for it.

It can take a long time to rebuild that trust in each other – months, perhaps even years depending on how much effort you’re putting into helping your spouse deal with the trauma of discovering you’ve betrayed them.

Surviving infidelity does then mean working hard to rebuild a loving, rewarding and otherwise happy relationship and dealing with any existing relationship problems prior to your infidelity.

Be aware that your affair is unlikely to ever be forgotten. However, depending on what happens next, you may be forgiven. Your cheating on your spouse doesn’t necessarily need to mean your marriage is ruined forever.

This period can potentially become part of the tapestry of your life together.

Why do people cheat?

As a couples counsellor, I’ve heard a whole host of reasons for infidelity. I’ve written an article specifically about the reasons why people cheat and why infidelity happens, but below I’ve listed some of the more common ones.

If you’re being unfaithful now, my advice to you is to be as honest and open as you can about the real reason you were having an affair.

The more honest you can be, the more likely you’ll be able to save your relationship.

15 reasons and/or excuses for infidelity

1. Someone paid you attention.
   You badly needed it – or at least you thought you did – and it made you feel really good.
2. For no apparent reason
   – you feel (or felt) hopelessly attracted to someone and you can’t put that person out of your mind – you think they are the love of your life.
3. Your partner has cheated on you
   and now you’re out for revenge. You had a chance and you took it.
4. You think your marriage or relationship is dead
   – both you and your partner know it (or not!), and you feel that the affair is giving you something you otherwise wouldn’t have had.
   Please note: there are plenty of people who would claim their marriage is dead without their spouse knowing about it!
   In case you are unsure about the viability of your relationship or marriage, I recommend you take my Relationship Compatibility Test to help you find out the state of affairs.
5. You have not been in a committed relationship before
   so you don’t know how precious it can be and how much energy investment it needs to build and maintain a healthy relationship. Therefore you haven’t given the other person’s partner or spouse much consideration. Or if you did, you quickly dismissed them out of hand.
6. You feel this is your chance for a bit of happiness
   – for whatever reason.
7. You’re young and feel privileged to be the chosen one
   of someone older than you. You may not realise the total devastation your infidelity can cause.
8. You feel like the chosen one of someone in a position of power
   – the affair appears to boost your self-esteem and confidence.
9. Your partner or spouse suffers from a long-term illness,
   which takes up all of your attention, time and other resources. There’s no space for you and this affair is meeting your emotional and physical needs.
10. You have a long-distance relationship,
    you’re missing having someone close and you want some fun.
11. You don’t care about your relationship or your lover’s primary relationship
    – you’re being unfaithful out of bravado and contempt, and for any perceived kudos (see my article: How to deal with a narcissistic spouse or partner).
12. You have a greater need for a physical relationship
    and your partner has never been that interested, has lost interest or just doesn’t want to make love – for whatever reason (see my article on what to do a when your physical relationship is practically non-existent)
13. You’ve been feeling invincible
    and you’ve seen no problem in cheating. You have a list of reasons as to why you were (or are) entitled to cheat on your partner. (see also my article on living with a narcissist)
14. You’re in touch again with an old flame
    and despite being married or in a committed intimate relationship, you feel driven to be close to this person.
15. You had absolutely no idea
    that your lover/mistress is married or in a committed relationship.
    This is a really painful one if you truly didn’t know. You were lied to and now you’re having to cope with the shock of that discovery and, quite likely, the end of that relationship.

Whatever your reason for being unfaithful (which includes having an emotional affair), the above are the only factors that may have led to you having made the choice to cheat on your partner or spouse.

If you’re dealing with infidelity, you may not necessarily be caught cheating right now. However, the skeleton could potentially fall out of the cupboard at any time – if it hasn’t already. Needless to say, there’s never a good time for your infidelity to be discovered (see my article on the signs of a cheating spouse)!

13 ways infidelity can ruin your relationship or marriage and your own sense of self

Below, I’ve listed some potential problems with having an extra-marital affair.

So, if you are already- or are thinking about being unfaithful, I’d urge you to consider the following…

13 potential dangers of cheating in marriage

1. Having an affair may help you to meet your essential emotional needs including the need for physical intimacy in the short-term. However, it may well prove to be a temporary plaster over the underlying relationship problems.
2. If you’re waiting for the other person to keep their promise of leaving their partner or spouse, know that’s probably not going to happen, particularly if they have children.
3. If your lover is willing to have an extramarital affair with you, it can happen again later down the line when they’re cheating on you.
4. If your infidelity is discovered you’re likely to have to deal with a very angry, resentful and possibly revengeful spouse who may not have any qualms about reporting your cheating to others important to you, including your place of work.
5. Your emotional and mental well-being is to a large degree dependent on the health of your relationships with people you feel closest to. How would your family and/or friends respond to your affair? How important is that to you?
6. Are you cheating on your partner at work? How would it affect your job/promotion prospects and your relationship with your colleagues if your infidelity was discovered? What if the relationship goes sour? Could you still work in that place/department/position?
7. What if you/the other woman fell pregnant? Can you truly be sure that’s not going to happen and that you or your partner are using contraceptives as promised?
8. If you’re normally considerate of other people’s feelings, you may end up feeling terribly guilty for a long time about the pain caused (often described by the wronged person as physical pain or even PTSD!).
9. Your lies and dishonesty may well negatively affect your self-esteem, your belief in who you are and what you stand for.
10. Your infidelity may affect your children’s ability to build a healthy relationship, as it will certainly negatively impact their trust in you. More on that below.
11. Your infidelity is likely to dent the trust you have in people in general.
12. Many of my clients who were having an affair ended up feeling trapped between two partners – not knowing which one to choose.
13. Ending an affair can come with many complications and unintended consequences.

I know I’m being really tough on you here! Know, though, that I have your best interest at heart.

I’m hopeful that all the above will help you to become more aware of what the potential consequences of your infidelity are and thereby be more considerate of other people and yourself.

How your infidelity can affect your kids

Complications increase when you’re cheating and either one of you is a parent (or indeed you’re both parents).

Here are some of the issues you need to consider before you decide on whether or not to pursue this affair:

• You and the other person’s children may find out. How would you explain what’s been happening – without blaming the other parent?
• If you’re considering a breakup and setting up a home with the other person, know that the other parent’s wishes, demands, involvement and judgements will have a significant effect on your new relationship.
• It’s very likely that the mother or father of your children is unlikely to want the kids introduced to your new partner for some time to come.
• A breakup of your primary relationship is very likely to be complicated when you have children.
• Older children will judge you and/or the wronged parent. They are likely to find it very hard to recover their trust, love and respect for you. Imagine also for a moment how you’d tell your children that you’ve cheated on their mum/dad.
• Adult children’s reactions can also have quite an impact! You may argue that it has nothing to do with them – they’re adults and this is your life. However, your life is forever connected to theirs – their hurt and anger can have a real impact on how you feel and your new relationship (see my article: When adult children are rejecting your new partner)

I get that you can become totally absorbed by a love-affair. I also understand that you may feel trapped between all the wants and shoulds. If you feel torn and don’t know what to do, I highly recommend you get some good relationship advice. It’s best to talk to a professional counsellor, but failing that do consider talking to another trustworthy and wise person.

See also my article: Children in the middle.

Can infidelity be forgiven or is it always a deal-breaker?

Whether or not your spouse will forgive you depends on:

• how honest you’ll be from here on
• how understanding you are of their feelings going forward
• how much patience you have for the fact that you’ll be wanting to ‘move on’ long before they’re ready for it.

Coping with infidelity gives rise to many layers of complicated feelings, emotions and consequent relationship problems. It will take time for particularly your partner or spouse to process everything that’s happened before they can even make up their mind if your infidelity is a deal-breaker for them.

If you’ve been unfaithful before, the two of you will definitely need to talk about whether there’s anything meaningful left in your relationship. Maybe a breakup is then the best way forward as multiple affairs in my view should be a deal-breaker.

10 tips for the best chance to be forgiven and for your relationship to survive

If you’ve realised that your primary relationship is the one that’s worth saving, then it’s largely up to you to start the repair process. And don’t just aim for a recovery of some sort – aim to make your marriage stronger than it was before.

Here’s how to start the process:

1. End all contact with the other person – this is non-negotiable. Not doing so would have to be an absolute deal-breaker. Show your partner the email, text message, the deleted account and whatever else would reassure him or her. If you’re struggling with this, I highly recommend the hypnosis download End that Affair.

2. Have yourself checked for any health problems you may have picked up, (Click here to download the Washington State Department of Health explanatory leaflet) And tell your partner to have him/herself checked too – however much they won’t want to hear that (see STD symptoms questionnaire below). You’re likely to have a much bigger problem if you’ve picked up an STD – it’s almost certainly going to mean a deal-breaker for your spouse.

3. Don’t blame your partner – I understand you’re feeling defensive, but the only way you’ll get through this is by taking responsibility for the choices you made – regardless of any existing relationship problems.

4. Confront yourself – take responsibility and challenge your own behaviour. Take note of the messages in your head, and the stories you tell yourself and hold yourself accountable.

5. Accept that your partner may want to keep pressing you for all the details. Their imagination could possibly be worse than reality. The more you give him or her your time and honesty, the better they’re likely to recover after discovering your infidelity.

6. Accept that your partner needs lots of reassurance. Remind yourself therefore of all the things you like and love about them. Remind yourself of all the good times you had, and exactly why they were enjoyable, fun, beautiful and memorable.

7. Decide together at set times (every day for however long your partner finds it helpful) to talk about the infidelity – and agree not to talk about it during the rest of the day. Negotiate and agree on a reasonable time limit for conversations about the affair – 20-40 minutes or so, or whatever works for both of you.

8. Learn how to really listen and respond appropriately. Read my article on effective communication.

9. Accept that it may take many months to recover, step-by-step, with the first 2-6 weeks being the worst (if the affair has actually ended).

Women are more likely to want to talk about feelings and know all the details (though, of course, it could be the reverse for you).

Men more often want to leave it behind and concentrate on the future, which could mean either not talking about it, or a divorce! They do feel the pain, but may well have learnt not to show it.

10. Share immediately and honestly with your partner if your lover tries to re-establish contact.

Also, read my articles on how to stay together after infidelity, how to fix your relationship and healthy relationship tips and advice.

Printable STD symptoms questionnaire

Especially for you – to help you prepare for your appointment at the clinic.

Can cheating be good for your marriage?

Wondering if infidelity can make your relationship stronger and even save your marriage?

I’m wondering what makes you ask that. Perhaps you’re hoping that your betrayal might ‘make’ your spouse realise that you can do what they’ve done. Or maybe you want them to see that because you’ve managed to get someone else, you’re lovable after all.

Or, you’re hoping that somehow your betrayal won’t affect your relationship in a negative way and that you’ll be forgiven.

Sadly, many of my clients whose spouse had cheated felt traumatised after they’d discovered their spouse had someone else, even more so if they’d had to cope with constant lies, including lies about money. They reported suffering from nightmares and anxiety, so they were feeling very hurt.

Some of them had even searched the internet to find out if infidelity could cause PTSD!

Perhaps you understand then that infidelity is no way to save your marriage or make it stronger.

I totally get that if you’re feeling your marriage slipping away, you’d be prepared to do anything to save it and make it stronger. However, infidelity is never okay, acceptable or justified and, depending on where you reside – it may even be illegal.

In addition, your infidelity may well be a dealbreaker for your spouse if they’re unable to forgive you and they continue to worry that it will happen again.

Finally

If you choose to end your affair or break off your emotional affair, you may feel relief, or you could feel the pain of the separation from a possibly much-loved person.

Either way, it’s time to make a decision. Regardless of your next step – I suspect you’re going through a really tough time, based on your earlier decisions.

Know that every situation and event, whether caused by yourself, a combination of circumstances or entirely by others, offers an opportunity for you to grow and become your very best self.

My hope for you is that you’ll take that opportunity – you owe it to yourself most of all.