Discover how to end an emotional affair

How to end an affair – emotional, physical or both.

I’m so glad you’re searching for information on how to end an emotional affair. And, just in case you have a full-blown affair, this article will help you end an affair regardless of type.

Perhaps you’ve realised that your platonic friendship or emotional infidelity is in danger of becoming more than that, a spouse or partner has found out, or there’s some other reason it’s time to end that affair.

If you’re really in love, doubtless, it saddens you to have to break up. You might have even considered what it would be like if the two of you could live your lives together.

However, clearly, either you are married or in a primary relationship, or you’re having an affair with a married woman or man. Or, perhaps you’re both already in a committed relationship or married.

So, let me help you.

What is your reason for wanting to end the affair?

There are likely to be two main reasons for wanting to end the emotional affair.

Either you’ve been found out. Or, you want to stop the emotional affair because you’re feeling ill at ease for:

• You’re feeling you’re getting too deeply involved.
• Your affair partner wants more than you’re willing to give.
• You realise it won’t take much for the two of you to end up in bed.
• You’ve had sex, and you’re now realised you’ve overstepped a boundary.
• You’re feeling guilty about having gone against your values and beliefs.
• Your affair partner is becoming ‘too demanding’.
• You realise your primary relationship is much more satisfying.
• You’re worried your spouse, partner, or kids will find out.
• You’re getting bored with the relationship.

It’s as well to have it clear in your own mind what your reason for stopping the affair is. It will help you be better prepared and avoid easily-made mistakes.

With whom do you have an affair?

Emotional infidelity with who?

Are you having an emotional affair with a married man or woman at work? Or are you married or in a primary relationship?

If so, whether with a colleague or even your boss, others are almost certainly well-aware.

I’m afraid that you may have to find another job if you want to end the affair. Or, if working for a large organisation – transfer to another department.

You may not be given a choice. Or, if you remain in close company, you’re going to find it almost impossible to break off your emotional affair, let go and move on.

Are you having an affair with a friend?

If you’re having an emotional affair with your spouse’s or partner’s friend, that means a double betrayal. Ouch!

If your affair partner is part of a friendship group, your emotional infidelity is almost certainly already being discussed.

Are you having an emotional affair with someone online?

Ending an online affair simply means closing accounts, unfriending and playing another game (if you’re a gamer). See further down on what to write to your affair partner.

Regardless of who you had an affair with and whether or not your spouse knows, chances are your spouse has already noticed your change of behaviour. You’ll have been distracted, unavailable, irritable and generally probably lousy company.

Why are emotional affairs so hard to end?

Emotional affairs are difficult to end because they help you meet your essential emotional needs more than your primary relationship or marriage. Therefore, you may feel heartbroken when this relationship ends.

In addition, you may feel almost obsessed with the other – it’s like an addiction.

Or, depending on your circumstances, you may not be able to avoid bumping into them.

You might feel the two of you are on the same wavelength, and you may not have felt that way in your primary relationship.

Perhaps, you don’t want to upset your affair partner because you’re worried about the consequences.

Or, you’re still in denial – trying to convince yourself you’re not really being unfaithful.

How to end an emotional affair

Stopping emotional infidelity

How strong is your motivation to break off the affair?

There’s no point in trying to end an emotional affair unless you’re absolutely sure it’s the right thing to do.

As I’ve mentioned before, an emotional affair can be really addictive as so many of your emotional needs are being met. You go to bed and fall asleep thinking about that person. You get up thinking about that person and longing to be with them.

Breaking off the affair means letting go of someone you feel has become essential to your well-being.

Your motivation to end then is crucial.

Can you end an emotional affair and still be friends?
I think you probably know the answer to that. If you’re still friends, you can’t have ended the affair.

Know that an emotional affair is just as damaging to your primary relationship or marriage as a full-blown affair.

You’ve invested emotional energy in the relationship with someone else. That means that instead of turning towards your spouse, you’ve turned away from them. You became distant – mentally, physically and probably sexually ( if not, you’re likely to have imagined making love with your affair partner).

If you and your spouse have been growing apart for some time, it’s time to address your problems. That can lead to your being able to rekindle your marriage or primary relationship. It can also mean you realise you no longer have a future together.

A relationship with someone you can’t have?

Maybe you’ve fallen in love with someone you can’t have. Could it be that the other person doesn’t feel half as involved as you? Is it possible that you’re suffering from unrequited love?

It’s totally understandable then that you want that emotional affair to end – even if it’s one-sided.

I’ve got you! Hop over to my article Effective ways to get over the pain of unrequited love.

How to end an emotional affair

Preparing to end emotional cheating

The consequences of ending the affair depend on whether it was your choice to end it or you’re now forced to stop cheating because you were found out.

Either way, you may as well prepare yourself for the following:

8 ways to prepare yourself

1. You’re facing a really challenging time – ending an affair is hard. If you’ve been found out, your choices are limited.
   Accept that nothing in life lasts. So, take it on the chin – however challenging, you’ll get through this.
2. Consider whether or not you can see yourself growing old with your spouse or partner. Decide whether to stay and rebuild your relationship or if it’s time to ask for a break or divorce. Know that rebuilding your primary relationship is going to require an enormous effort after an affair. You need to be really motivated to invest your energy into saving your marriage or relationship.
   Not sure what to do? Take my comprehensive, free relationship compatibility test to determine if the two of you are still compatible.
3. Be prepared to be honest with your spouse about where you stand, even if you’re unsure. You might find the two of you have enough emotional resources to work it all out.
4. Your affair partner may not have seen it coming and might put you under pressure to continue.
5. Be prepared to give a clear reason only for breaking off the affair: “I’m going to invest in my primary relationship/marriage. Therefore, this relationship has to end (we can no longer see each other).”
6. Consider and prepare for the reaction of the affair partner: blackmail, anger, viciousness, threats, crying, arguing or no response at all. Know that all you have to say or write is: “I am sorry, but this is really our final contact.” Just repeat that.
7. Be prepared to do everything possible to show your spouse that you have ended the relationship. So, make a recording of the phone conversation or let them listen in when you make that call. Show them the text exchanges, share your screens,
8. Be prepared for a major fall-out at work. Prepare a ‘spiel’ for what you’re going to say to colleagues, managers and boss.

Anticipate the emotional roller-coaster ride

What to expect when you stop your emotional cheating

You’re going to be in for an emotional roller coaster ride for the next few months. Yes, expect it to last a while!

You may well be suffering from a sense of loss, combined with feelings of guilt and frustration (among others)…

Loss

Know that you might experience a great sense of loss, depending on your circumstances, such as:

• The loss of fun, friendship and laughter
• The loss of feeling seen, heard and understood
• The loss of admiration and being accepted
• The loss of the giving and receiving attention (one of our most important inborn emotional needs
• The loss of emotional intimacy.

It will be tough for you to get over that affair!

Guilt

You might be left with a huge sense of guilt – for betraying your spouse and possibly even ‘letting down’ your affair partner.

Frustration

If your spouse knows about the affair, the ending of it won’t magically solve the problem.

Expect your spouse to remain hurt, suspicious and angry. They’ll need some time to get over it. Their recovery may take longer than you think and their reactions might lead you to feel frustrated by the apparent lack of progress.

How to end an emotional affair with help

You’ve asked me how to end an emotional affair. So, I’d like you to know that you might need all the help you can get!

So, I highly recommend you make use of the following resources and services in advance of and after the end of your emotional infidelity:

• My article on how to be an emotionally supportive spouse may come in handy.
• The “Get ready to end that affair” and the “Stay faithful to your partner” hypnosis audio downloads. Self-hypnosis with the help of professionally produced audios are an effective, user-friendly and affordable way to get expert help. For further information, see my article Hypnosis FAQ and downloads.
• Talk to an expert relationship coach (opens in a new tab). There’s a coach ready to help you right away, and they can help you through from beginning to end.
• Read all the articles I have linked to further down!

Unfortunately, since the affair is likely to have been a secret, you may not have anyone with whom you can share your distress. Unless you’re so fortunate to have someone among your friends or family who can listen without judgement. And, I think you might need someone.

So, to find out to whom you might be able to turn, see my article on finding the right relationship advice.

However, doubtless, you’ve gone through tough times before. Trust that you can also get through this.

Now you know what you can expect, let’s get cracking with the nitty-gritty of ending that emotional affair.

What is the best way to end an affair?

Do you send a text, write a DM, email or letter? Do you (video) call? Or, should you meet in person? And what do you say to your affair partner to end the affair?

The best way to break off the affair depends on whether or not there’s pressure for you to end it because you’ve been found out. It leaves less time to think things through. And, you’re more likely to be highly emotional yourself, even if you wouldn’t like to admit to that.

A 3-step plan for ending an affair

You may not be able to avoid each other if you’re working together, at least not in the first instance. That is unless your manager or boss has already taken action!

You could be crewed together, are on the same team or work in the same office. You may even be scheduled to attend an event together.

So, here’s what you need to do when ending an emotional affair:

Step 1

Speak to your affair partner. What you say depends on whether or not your wife knows about your infidelity.

Here’s what might work for you:

1. Contact your affair partner, and, if your spouse knows about it, have her witness your ending the affair.
2. Say something like:
   “I am breaking off our relationship. I regret having become so deeply involved to risk my marriage and hurt my spouse.”
   “I no longer want to continue our relationship. It has been unfair to my spouse, I have damaged our marriage and I want to do all I can to save it, as I love my spouse.”
   “Please, respect my decision and do not contact me again.”
3. With regards to work:
   “I will contact [boss/manager] to ask for a transfer to [different site, team or department].”
4. If you just want to leave a message, and not speak to your affair partner in person, say something like:
   “I’m leaving this message to let you know I no longer want to continue the relationship. This call/email/message is to let you know that from this moment, I won’t be contacting you anymore. Please, respect my decision and do not attempt to contact me. I will now also be closing my … accounts and unfriend you.”
5. If your spouse doesn’t know about the affair, you may or may not want to soften the blow by adding words and statements like sadly, I’m sorry, I know this comes as a blow, I hope, etc.

See also:

• How to end a relationship
• How to break up a relationship

Step 2 – if you’re ending an emotional affair at work

Speak to your manager or boss, ideally before you arrive for work, about relocating to a different site (preferably), a different department and/or a different team.

If that’s not possible, you may have to consider leaving and getting another job.

Forget about doing it in person. Instead, end the affair with your spouse present. They need the reassurance that you’ve done and said the right thing. You might even have asked them what they need to hear you say. You can then decide how much their words fly in the face of what you’re really feeling and find a happy medium.

Step 3 – Repair your marriage or primary relationship.

Scroll back up to the section about the potential losses on account of the end of the affair. You might then realise what, if anything, you’ve been missing in your marriage or primary relationship.

Then, be sure to read the following articles:

• How to survive infidelity
• How to fix your marriage
• How to save a marriage from divorce
• 5-point plan to fix your relationship.

Last but not least, let’s talk about how to get over an affair…

How to get over an affair

Not only will you want to know how to end an emotional affair, you might also want to know how to get over it.

The fact you’ve got this far and reading this means you’ll already know that you’re going to find it hard to get over your affair.

I’ve got you. I’ve written an article specifically about getting over an emotional affair.

In addition, you’ll also find the following articles helpful:

• How to get over someone you love
• The best ways to get over a relationship and move on
• 7-step plan to forget someone you love

You see, you’re not the only one suffering such a sense of loss. The world is full of people scouring the internet looking for help to get over an affair!

Finally

I know you’re going through a really tough time. We can all fall in love with someone else (opens in a new tab) while we’re already in a committed relationship, according to biological anthropologist Helen Fisher. It doesn’t even have to mean we’re unhappy in our primary relationship.

However, you made a choice. You pursued that relationship and kept it a secret. It’s time to end your emotional infidelity.

You know now how to end an emotional affair. You’ve got this.

Be brave, be bold and get this done. I’m rooting for you and the survival of your primary marriage or relationship.