The best ways to get over a relationship and move on

How to get over a relationship

If you’ve just broken up with someone, I feel for you right now. You’re probably feeling overwhelmed by all sorts of feelings. You just want to know how to get over the relationship and recover as quickly as possible.

Maybe you saw it coming, or perhaps the horrible news came completely out of the blue.

No matter how it happened, you’re likely feeling hurt, angry and in despair.

The good news is: you will recover. I know you have the strength to do it.

The bad news is: it may not happen as fast as you would want. And it may not happen as soon as the people around you want it to either!

If you’re having trouble getting over someone you broke up with some time ago, I’ll be able to help you more if you have a look at my article How to move on from someone.

Is it really too late?

If there’s any chance at all that you may be able to rescue the relationship and you still want to fight for it, then read my articles: How to make your spouse or partner love you again, How to get your ex back or, if you are still living together: How to fix your broken relationship.

How to get over a relationship in your circumstances

Your reaction and your ability to get over a relationship after a breakup, separation or divorce depend to a large extent on your individual circumstances.

The following factors can all have an impact…

10 factors that determine how long it takes to get over a relationship

1. The length of the relationship or marriage
2. How recently you split up and how you told your spouse you wanted a divorce
3. How ‘intense’ or even ‘obsessive’ the relationship was and how much jealousy plays a role
4. How important it was to you (clearly, for you: very important, otherwise you wouldn’t have visited this page)
5. How it ended (see also: Getting through a bad breakup)
6. Whether you were in an abusive relationship
7. Whether or not the relationship was an affair
8. Whether or not it was an ‘on/off’ relationship
9. To what extent you’re each able to show a generosity of spirit
10. Whether or not you have chosen for a collaborative separation or divorce.

However your relationship ended, you’ll likely to feel the loss acutely.

You are, in fact, grieving. The psychological reaction to a breakup is much like a bereavement – you’ve lost someone dear to you.

Getting over a relationship when it’s recently ended

If you’ve only recently broken up, you’ll feel at your worst right now. It’s perfectly understandable if you’re even feeling complete ‘off your rocker’ with your emotions all over the place.

Nothing anybody can say or do is likely to make you feel better… other than your ex returning and saying they want to be with you forever.

In the early stages, you might go through almost hourly ups and downs, and it’d be a good idea to prepare yourself to expect any of the following:

• feeling like you’re suffering a nervous breakdown
• having trouble sleeping
• feeling tired a lot of the time
• waking up feeling exhausted
• feeling confused and being unable to concentrate
• feeling irritable and snapping at the slightest thing
• experiencing a change in appetite: comfort eating or eating very little
• having digestive problems: feeling nauseous or having stomach pains
• having a poor memory
• losing interest in the things you used to enjoy
• having the same thoughts going round and round in your mind
• feeling unable to organise your thinking
• revisiting old memories, wondering if you got it wrong.

However painful, under the circumstances – all of this is normal.

But that intense ‘rawness’ will begin to settle within a couple of weeks – I promise! The periods of time when you’re feeling relatively OK will increase in frequency and length, over time.

Of course, your progress depends on what your ex does too. If you or your ex-partner deliberately try and complicate matters, you’re going to be more stressed and feel worse.

Recovery will be delayed if one or both of you make it as difficult and stressful for the other as possible!

How to get over a relationship

How devastating can it be?

Breaking up with someone when you haven’t been living together can be utterly devastating.

However, when you’re breaking up with someone you’re living with and there are possessions and/or children involved, the whole business of a breakup becomes so much more complicated.

10 factors affecting how long it takes to get over a relationship

1. Whether or not this is the first break up you’ve experienced
2. Whether or not you’re waiting for divorce proceedings
3. Whether or not you have children
4. How well you behave towards each other
5. Whether there are other stresses in your life
6. How supportive people at work are
7. How supportive your family and friends are
8. Whether or not you have property or possessions to divide
9. How well you still communicate with each other
10. Whether you tend to suffer from anxiety and/or depression (not just feeling down following a disappointment).

One way to get over that relationship faster is to get some help in dealing with your emotions. I’d recommend hypnosis for this, and the downloads Mend Your Broken Heart and Getting Over a Relationship would be the ones to go for.

 See my article on Self-Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads.

Alternatively, reach out to get some coaching. Professional relationship coaches are standing by to help you right away. For information on how that works, see my article on online relationship advice.

How to get over a relationship – letting go and moving on

5 first-aid tips for getting over a relationship faster

Here is what you need to do to get over a relationship as soon as possible after the breakup:

1. Get your finances sorted as soon as possible.
   You may need to close and open a new bank- or credit card accounts.
2. Make a list of tasks/chores
   you completely relied on your partner to do (see video below)
3. Tell the people who really matter
   – some will be great but be prepared for the fact that some will be no help whatsoever
4. Sign off sick (maybe)
   for a few days (if at all possible) when you’re unlikely to get any support from your colleagues. This is just so you can at least get over the initial shock (consider also self-hypnosis)
5. Get someone else to fill your fridge
   so that you do eat something and not just rubbish

Watch this video to learn how Cari Weinburg dealt with the breakup of a longterm relationship.

8 tips to help you get over your ex

1. Connect with an online professional therapist
   for breakup counselling now if you want to know how to get over a relationship quickly. Or scroll down to the blue box at the end of this article for further information.
2. Don’t wait for every step in the separation
   – live your life. Focus on your new life, accepting that you’re also grieving for the loss of the life you had prior to the breakup. I promise you it’ll get better.
3. Ditch hanging on to the past.
   Accept that this moment is as it is – it’s time to move on. I know that is far more difficult to do than it is to say/write. I have experienced that for myself!
4. Reach out to supportive people at work.
   – you’re going to need them when you need a ‘duvet day’. You’ll also want to see a kind face when you have a breakdown at the water cooler!
5. Accept that family and friends may also find it difficult.
   They may have loved your partner and, depending on circumstances, may want or need to carry on seeing him or her.
6. Find a good lawyer.
   if you have property, and a good friend to help you divide possessions if necessary. See my article: How to Find a Divorce Lawyer.
7. Be at the very least polite towards each other
   – arguing is a waste of your precious energy (particularly important if you have children)
8. Stay away from the antidepressants!
   It’s normal to feel depressed when a relationship has ended, particularly when it wasn’t your choice. See my article: Natural ways to deal with depression.

You don’t want to ‘just’ get over this relationship

You’ll want to move on after the breakup…

I wish I could be there with you now to tell you that things will be OK again. But as I can’t, instead here are some further ideas that I can offer you to help you recover:

10 tips to get you to move on after a breakup

1. You might have had goals for yourselves as a couple, so instead, you can set your own goals for yourself. Maybe these might be in terms of your education, your job, your social or family life, your hobbies… You can make a list and that’ll really give you something to focus on, and help you to move forward with your life
2. You’ll need time to ‘process’ what’s happened, but please don’t spend your whole day ruminating about your ex, it will only make you feel worse!
3. Instead, give yourself a limited amount of time to think about her or him each day
4. Writing is very therapeutic, so … write as if your life depends on it. Forget about capitals, grammar and full-stops – just get it off your chest by writing it all down.
5. Spend time with family and friends, however difficult this might be. If you focus on them, that can help to shift your attention from your ex and your sadness
6. Remind yourself of all the bad times with your ex
7. Remind yourself of all his or her bad habits… although try to just acknowledge them, rather than judging them if you can!
8. Clear out one or two items a day that reminds you of him or her, but do be mindful of the children
9. Plan for tomorrow – write a list – before you go to sleep
10. Create an absorbing and enjoyable focus away from the trouble and use your existing skills and knowledge to start a brand new project (see also my article on how to stop feeling bored).

Need more help than that? Consider getting the help of a professional, relationship coach. It’s so easy to set up online coaching sessions. For further information see my page on online breakup counselling.

Can you really ever get over a breakup and forget?

It’s normal to feel devastated and think you’re never going to get over a relationship. But I promise you – you will feel better over time.

I’m rooting for you!