How to survive divorce

Expert advice on how to get through a divorce

When you’re searching for how to survive divorce, I suspect you’re feeling pretty lousy right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re feeling angry, sad, confused, depressed, anxious and perhaps even traumatised.

Getting through a divorce is tough. Divorce means the end of your relationship, your future together, possibly the end of your financial security, and much more besides.

I’m going to reassure you right away: you will get through and you will be okay again.

However, how you navigate your divorce and recovery depends on your own actions and attitude, regardless of whether you instigated the divorce. These can have a positive or negative impact on your soon-to-be ex.

There’ll be much you won’t have any control over. However, you do have control over how you react, adapt and deal with things.

That’s things like getting legal advice, maybe moving house, sorting your finances, and dealing with family and friends. If you have children, you’ll also need to know how to get your children through divorce.

And, of course, you’ll want to survive divorce with your self-worth and confidence intact.

So, in this round-up article, I’m going to signpost you to the right resources on my site. Be sure to follow the links to get all the information, tips and advice that’s mainly freely available. Do also read my article on how to get through a breakup.

Avoidance and inaction feed that sense of hopelessness and depression. So, the sooner you take control, the less you’ll suffer and the faster you’ll recover.

I have included three printable worksheets for you to download because the best way to survie divorce is to work at it!

First of all…

Let’s see what the research says

Clinical psychologist Prof. David A. Sbarra, PhD has extensively researched what helps people to survive divorce. Watch this short video, then read on to discover the resources I’ve prepared for you.

Just in case, I’d like you to consider the following because if you’re the one instigating the divorce, I really want you to be sure you’re doing the right thing…

Have you considered a temporary separation instead of a divorce?

Living apart for a little while could give you both a chance for quiet contemplation and re-evaluation. Maybe you just need a little time alone to help you figure out all the stuff you’re dealing with right now. 

Depending on your reasons for divorce, during a trial separation, you and/or your partner might be confronted by what you’re missing about each other. Or it could become obvious that a permanent separation and divorce is the way to go. 

If you do go down this route, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Taking a temporary break in the hope that your partner will suddenly want you more or fall in love with you again is a somewhat manipulative way to change the dynamics.

How to get through a divorce with the right legal advice

You can sort your own divorce if you and your spouse agree on all the important aspects. You’ll find plenty of forms online.

However, that route does come with a health warning!

Even if you agree right now, neither you nor your soon-to-be-ex knows what the future holds. During a period of high emotion and for whatever reason, either one of you could change your mind about what you previously agreed. That’s when you might discover that there are some unfortunate holes in your agreement or contract.

Instead of this dodgy route, find a good divorce lawyer and consider mediation. I’ve explained all in my article on how to find a divorce lawyer.

What to consider before your divorce

My article: Divorce advice for men has a ton of tips and advice regardless of your gender.

Here’s what you’ll learn in that article:

• How to make sure there’s nothing more you can do to save your marriage.
• What to do if you want to remain friends with your ex (absolutely necessary if you have children and advisable if you have joint friends and you don’t want to lose them).
• When and how to tell your spouse that you want a divorce (if you haven’t already) with suggestions for how to phrase this difficult conversation.

How to help your children survive divorce

I’ve got this covered too. See my articles on how to help your kids survive divorce and how to prevent your children from getting stuck in the middle.

Surviving divorce with support

As Prof Sbarra mentioned, you’ll do much better if you have great people around you. That means no complainers, no gossips and no can’t-be-bothered types.

Research shows that having a good social support network makes all the difference during a difficult time. Having people whom you can call on and who look out for you makes all the difference.

How to survive divorce

Divorce and your finances

You cannot afford – emotionally, let alone financially – to avoid dealing with money when divorce is on the cards.

Pluck up your courage and start immediately. You’ll feel so much better for even just making a little start.

1. Separate your joint bank accounts (though, ideally, you’ll have discussed your finances with your soon-to-be ex-spouse, possibly during a mediation session).
2. Gather up all loose paperwork, put it into monthly or quarterly piles, and divide into 3: file, throw, to do.
3. If you’re in dire straits financially, make an appointment to speak to someone at your bank, a knowledgeable friend, or any other person who can advise you. Do that now!
4. File the paperwork you sorted.
5. Do 1 or 2 items a day on your financial to-do list if you really can’t cope with it all at once.

Just in case you need it, read my article: Is your partner lying to you about money.

How to get through divorce

1. Accept practical help

People often like to be helpful, so dare to ask for help if you’re struggling. Choose your helpers wisely though.

Accept help with shopping, cleaning, picking up your dry-cleaning or post etc. from those who offer it (use that worksheet!).

2. Accept emotional support

Rejection hurts so badly! If your brain was to be scanned by what is called a PET scanner, that pain of rejection would light up the same neural pathways as a physical pain [1].

Therefore, it can be really helpful to offload and share some of that pain.

Talk about what’s happening with trusted people in your social circle. If you’re afraid of burdening people, then just ask if they have some time to listen to you. Nothing else is needed.

See also: How to deal with rejection.

Alternatively, consider connecting with an online counsellor, particularly one trained in relationships and breakups. For further information, see my page: Online breakup advice.

3. Accept your own individual way of coping

You’re entitled to your own feelings and reactions. What other people think of that is no business of yours!

Accept your own reactions too. Don’t judge yourself, and remember to be kind to yourself. I have prepared a worksheet to help you manage your emotions.

To help you cope better with divorce, you could also consider self-hypnosis. Hypnosis with the aid of a professional download is effective, user-friendly and affordable. See my article: Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads.

4. Take good care of yourself

Through my professional and personal experience, I know only too well how easy it is to neglect yourself during a really tough time. But I also know how much better and how much more in control you’ll feel if you take good care of yourself.

So, I’ve designed this worksheet to help you do just that. You can download it for free.

More tips to get you through a divorce

In my article Divorce tips and advice, you’ll find all of the following:

• 12 things to do before you divorce
• 7 tips on dealing with your emotions during divorce
• 12 ways divorce counselling can help
• How to divorce your partner, wife or spouse without separating from all of your friends
• How and when to let friends and family know.

Where to get divorce counselling

Here are some other ideas:

1. Search for free advice
You can get free or affordable help by googling your particular issue – be it a relationship problem like infidelity, or alcohol addiction or any other specific mental health problem. In addition to my own, there are plenty of organisations and other individuals with expertise who have written or contributed to online articles.

2. Counselling at your place of work
In addition, your place of work might provide free access to a counselling service

3. Counselling via your healthcare provider
Your medical centre may offer affordable counselling sessions

4. Independent practice counselling
Your insurance package may include access to a limited number of sessions with an independent counsellor or therapist

5. Specialist organisations
Specialist, often free, services are available in many towns (and online) for you if you are in an abusive relationship (in which case specially trained police officers can be of huge help too). Sometimes these organisations are staffed by trained volunteers, sometimes by professionals or a combination.

6. Religious support services
Your place of worship may have trained volunteers or religious leaders who can offer help and support.

7. A trusted person in your own environment –
may be able to offer a listening ear, without feeling the need to start off-loading their own troubles! Look out for that one non-judgemental soul who’s able to impart that little bit of wisdom that could just make all the difference to you. Be sure to read my article on getting trustworthy support first though.

Finally

Searching for how to survive divorce was a great first step. I commend you for taking the time to consider your options, what to do and what to avoid and how to deal with everyone around you.

Remember, even if your ex refuses to be civil and is hell-bent on making the process as unpleasant as possible, you have a choice about how you proceed.

Know that you’re far stronger than you think you are. You’ve got this!

Sources

[1] https://www.pnas.org/content/pnas/108/15/6270.full.pdf