How to deal with an alcoholic spouse

What to do when you’re married to an alcoholic

No wonder you want to know how you can deal with an alcoholic spouse. After all, living with an alcoholic husband, wife or partner is super-challenging.

Doubtless, you’re increasingly worried about your spouse’s drinking and the effect that has on you (and your kids). So, how do you deal with an alcoholic spouse?

I hope the information here will help you to be better informed about what to do for the best. And, that might include making some important decisions.

Let’s start by taking a look at the warning signs of alcoholism. Then we’ll look at the issue of codependency, how to cope with living with an alcoholic and what help there might be for spouses of alcoholics.

What to do when you’re living with an alcoholic

I imagine that all too often you’re feeling hurt, frustrated, angry, worried, sad, let down and disappointed. I suspect there’ve also been times when you’ve felt embarrassed and ashamed.

If you have children, you’re no doubt also worried about the impact of your spouse’s drinking on them. Perhaps you’ve wondered whether it’s you who has the problem, as your spouse may have suggested.

It’s likely they’ve denied they’re an alcoholic, don’t want to know about the stages of alcoholism and no, they’re not depressed. Chances are they’ve accused you of nagging and being melodramatic.

I hope, therefore, that after reading these articles you feel better able to trust your own judgement and what you can do to help your alcoholic spouse.

Let’s start by confirming what you probably already know to boost your confidence.

Help for spouses of alcoholics

It’s so helpful for spouses of alcoholics to know that they’re not alone, that others living with an alcoholic spouse are going through much the same as they do.

So, I’m hoping to help you by acknowledging how tough things are for you now and validating your feelings with the following…

9 ways your alcoholic husband, wife or partner negatively impacts your life

1. You’re avoiding functions

You try to avoid going to functions together, anticipating your spouse’s behaviour and the amount they’ll drink. You’re quite sure you’ll be feeling embarrassed, ashamed and let down yet again. You prefer to go on your own, or not at all.

2. Your finances suffer

You’re increasingly concerned about the financial impact of their excessive drinking. Your spouse is lying about money and the two of you increasingly argue about the finances.

3. You’re being emotionally and possibly physically abused

You feel increasingly exposed to angry outbursts, hurtful remarks and mood swings. Your partner is becoming progressively abusive. See my articles: Signs of emotional abuse and Signs of an abusive relationship.

4. You’re concerned about safety

You’re worried about the potential impact of your spouse choosing alcohol over sense and safety. Maybe your spouse has no qualms about getting behind the wheel when they’ve had a drink.

Or, you fear what could happen if they’re in charge of the kids while under the influence. You’re no doubt acutely aware your partner is at risk of making bad decisions in general.

5. You’re feeling alone in this relationship

You’re increasingly feeling on your own as your spouse appears to look for opportunities to drink on their own. They appear no longer interested in spending time with you and the family.

6. You feel unloved

You’re likely to feel abandoned and bereft of any loving attention as your partner appears to increasingly turn inwards, and focus only on their next drink.

7. You don’t trust your partner

You no longer trust your spouse as their behaviour becomes increasingly troublesome at home, on social occasions and at work. You’re worried they’ll lose their job, cheat on you, squander money and ruin their relationship with the kids.

8. You’re increasingly consumed with what they’re up to

You’re increasingly on the lookout for new places they’ve hidden bottles. You’re increasingly consumed by negative thoughts about them. You’re constantly worrying about when they’ll be home or how you’ll find them home and in what state.

Or, when they’re drinking at home, you’ll be thinking about how you can make the situation manageable for you and the kids.

9. You no longer find your partner attractive

Chances are your spouse increasingly cares less about how they look. They’re likely to put on weight on account of their poor diet and calorific drinks. Their personal hygiene may also be less than desired.

10. You’re worried about the future of your marriage

I can so understand if you’ve given up hope that things will ever improve. You may have already tried caring, loving, shouting or crying more, or telling them how you feel over and over again.

You would have hoped that with your help they would have moderated their drinking or even have stopped completely. And, perhaps every now and then they’ve appeared to make some improvements.

Unfortunately, all of the above has put you also at greater risk of longer-term psychological problems.

How to deal with an alcoholic spouse

There’s only one thing you can do when you have an alcoholic spouse that’s likely to bring about any change. It’s if you make a vital decision.

Step 1

You decide that from now on, you’re going to take responsibility only for your own thoughts, feelings and behaviour. You’re going to have to treat any thoughts about your spouse as clouds floating by. You’re going to decide that from now on you’re going to use your energy only for you and the kids.

This change in your behaviour is likely to prompt a change in your partner’s – for better or worse.

Yes, I know that’s super tough!

You’ll need a ton of practice, but believe me when I say you can do it! You’re going to get back in the driving seat of your life and create the life you want.

Step 2

Confront your spouse with how you’re feeling and let them know that, from now on, you’ll be focusing on you (and the kids).

It might mean, if possible, telling your spouse you need a break. A temporary separation can be really helpful.

Why?

• Your spouse will understand what they stand to lose if they continue on their present path
• It might offer you a chance to go for couple counselling
• It will give you (and the kids) some peace and quiet
• It can help you to rebuild your life.

You may even want to tell them you want a divorce if indeed you do. Be sure you’re not using that to try to shock them and manipulate them into taking action! It’s to make it clear that you’re determined to give yourself – and thereby them – a chance to heal.

Use my Comprehensive Relationship Test, if you need to, to help you make the decision to stay or walk away – even if you’re not ready to take action right now.

Step 3

Read my 10 tips to help you heal and grow further down. Choose a couple for starters and take action!

Codependency when you’re married to and/or living with an alcoholic

The Merriam-Webster dictionary (opens in a new tab) defines codependency as:

For sure, codependency is a problem in many such relationships – to a greater or lesser extent.

However, I have a real problem with the blanket statement that if one is an alcoholic, the other is co-dependent!

What does a codependent relationship look like?

You may see your partner as a taker. The question is, then, to what extent are you the caretaker. In a healthy relationship, both partners take from each other and take care of each other. In a codependent relationship, both partners are on opposite sites of the continuum: one only takes, and the other only gives.

Here’s a test to help you become aware of where you are on that spectrum…

(Oh, just before you have a look – this is in no way designed as a judgement of you. You’ll have your own entirely valid reasons for thinking, feeling and acting the way you do.)

25 signs that you’re in a codependent relationship

1. You’ve paid for stuff your partner wanted or needed but couldn’t afford (or said they couldn’t afford), or to buy his or her affection. The latter means you’re really manipulating the situation. I say that without judgement as I can so understand it. Being loved is an essential emotional need, but… it has to be the right kind of love you receive, and for the right reasons.
2. You’ve got into debt to support your partner.
3. You say ‘Yes’ when you really mean ‘No’ and vice versa, to avoid potential trouble.
4. You’re unable to focus on anything else but your partner’s next move.
5. You’re abusive towards your partner, or your partner’s abusive towards you.
6. Your self-esteem is in your boots and you’d do anything at all to get a little bit of – what appears to be – loving attention. 
7. You end up feeling guilty and ashamed, hating yourself for having succumbed to your partner’s requests for help.
8. You either want to win every argument, or you don’t even realise you have an opinion, let alone have the right or confidence to state it.
9. You’ve lost all interest in anything that could be personally fulfilling or rewarding. All your energy goes into managing your relationship.
10. You try to control situations to avoid being confronted with – and exposed to – your partner’s troublesome behaviour.
11. You help your partner get out of trouble with work, friends and family – you make the phone call with the excuses, you pay off the debt, you write the letters and the cards, you make the apologies.
12. You feel resentful that he or she doesn’t realise how much you do for them.
13. You stay in the relationship, despite knowing there’s no hope that the situation will improve.
14. You blame your unhappiness on your partner, or you claim responsibility for his or her alcoholism.
15. You make excuses for your partner’s behaviour – (s)he’s had a tough day/time, (s)he’s had a troubled childhood, (s)he’s suffered a trauma.
16. You believe that with your love, care and attention your partner will heal and eventually overcome their addiction.
17. You feel guilty when you do manage to do something for yourself.
18. The idea of being alone really scares you.
19. If you’re really honest with yourself, you can’t see yourself ever breaking up and striking out alone.
20. You know you’re avoiding facing up to your partner’s dishonesty, abusiveness and general selfishness.
21. You allow your own emotional and physical needs always to come second to those of your partner.
22. You manipulate your partner and/or events in order to be able to save your partner from getting themselves into trouble.
23. You often feel hopeless and depressed.
24. You stay, even though your partner is often abusive towards you.
25. Despite making your mind up often that you should end your relationship with the alcoholic, you don’t see it through.

If you want to help your alcoholic spouse, the best you can do now is to put yourself first and deal with all of the above – preferably with some expert help. You sooo deserve to heal and feel better in yourself, even if you don’t realise that yourself right now.

Help for spouses of alcoholics

Do you need codependency counselling or ‘treatment’?

Let me answer the latter first. No, you don’t need treatment. You’re not ill, but your partner most likely does need treatment.

However, if you’ve discovered that you are codependent, then codependency counselling is the best way to help you overcome it.

Here’s what else you can do when you’re living with an alcoholic:

1. Share your concerns with a professional
Sharing your concerns with a professional counsellor and getting their support and advice can certainly speed up your recovery. You can (re)create your identity – free from what’s happening with your alcoholic partner.

2. Focus on the positives
If you’ve decided to stay together, you’ll find my Loving Communication Kit for Couples really useful. It will help you focus on what is still positive in your relationship and improve your communication.

3. Self-hypnosis
You could also consider self-hypnosis with the help of a professional hypnosis download, such as Living with an alcoholic husband. For further information, see my article: Hypnosis FAQ and downloads.

For more tips and advice for when you’re living with an alcoholic – read on!

What to do when you’re living with an alcoholic wife, husband or partner

I would love you to seek counselling to help you get over that codependency. But, I also invite you to choose something right now from the following tips for spouses of alcoholics:

Decide what you do have control over

Ask yourself, in your heart of hearts, what it is that you really want for yourself that you do have control over? Take a few days and write a list – think small and big, here, now and in the future. What is and isn’t acceptable to you?

Decide what your values and beliefs are

Know what you stand for and what you believe in, and check your own feelings and behaviours against those.

Set boundaries

Once you’ve done the above, start learning to say “yes” and “no” only when you really mean “yes” and “no”. Learn how to stick to your guns and not give in when you’ve given your answer (see the video further down)

Practice assertiveness

I know, it’s much easier said than done. However, once you’ve decided what you stand for, what you want to do, what your values are and what your boundaries are, it really does become much easier to stand up for yourself.

Talk all of this over with someone you really trust to get some feedback. Once you’re comfortable with your decisions, it’s time to practice your assertiveness. You’re now going to have to be strong with your spouse or partner.

Do also read my article on how to stop arguing for extra tips and advice.

Living with or without your alcoholic spouse

It’s time to focus on yourself, challenge yourself to do better and become the best version of yourself with these tips:

10 tips to heal yourself and grow

1. Get creative
   Re-engage with some abandoned and long-forgotten projects and get creative again.
2. Invest in relationships with friends
   And (re)connect with extended family. You’re a parent, child, aunt or uncle, neighbour, friend, acquaintance, volunteer, mentor, teacher, etc. Invest in that role but be careful not just to give – accept from others as well! (But do be aware that those you give to may not be givers themselves.) Remember: there’s life outside of being married to an alcoholic. You’re important!
3. Plot a different future
   Invest in yourself. There are so many free lessons offered online in just about any subject you can think of. Start expanding your horizons and investing in your self-development.
4. Be fearless in your honesty
   Towards others, of course, but specifically also towards yourself
5. Reward yourself
   – for every tiny step, and all your achievements, big or small
6. Look after yourself
   Become your own best friend. Aim to meet your essential emotional needs in balance
7. Focus on yourself
   Focus on your feelings, activities, work and interests. Bring back that focus immediately if you find it shifting towards your partner. That’s the most important thing anyone can learn when living with an alcoholic.
8. Stop blaming your partner
   Your parents, your work, your friends or anyone/anything else – including yourself. Blame won’t help you – or your partner.
9. Learn to accept yourself
   You’re imperfect – we all are! :-)
10. Learn how to relax deeply
    I know you may think it’s impossible, but that’s only a thought. There’s no need to believe your thoughts! You can help yourself to relax immediately with the breathing exercise on my page: Tips to relieve stress.

Finally

You can also learn more about what you can do to help by contacting Al-Anon, a group set up by and for people just like you. You may find it a relief to know that other partners are going through much the same as you.

You probably already know your wife or husband is an alcoholic. Do yourself and them a favour now – focus on yourself. Don’t wait any longer before you take some decisive action when you know you’re living with an alcoholic.