How to tell your spouse you need a break

Can taking a break save your marriage?

I suspect your need for advice on how to take a break from your marriage hasn’t come out of the blue.

Chances are you’ve been unhappy, irritated, angry, frustrated and hurt for some time. You’ve probably thought about a temporary separation more than once. You might even wonder if you still love your spouse.

Now, it’s crunch time. You want to take a break but aren’t sure how to go about it or whether or not it’s even sensible.

Stick with me – I aim to help you find the right way of telling your spouse you want a break.

Doubtless, you’ll also want to know what to expect when you tell them. And what at the end of the break?

Do you plan to save your marriage and get back together again? Or are you secretly preparing the ground for separation and divorce?

What qualifies me to write about this?

I was a registered (licensed) couples counsellor for 24 years (now semi-retired). I have seen hundreds of couples struggling to save their marriage.

I have also seen couples where one only attended counselling half-heartedly because they’d already had made up their mind they wanted to leave.

And that’s how your spouse might view your need for a break: a half-hearted attempt to repair the marriage when you really want to leave or have your spouse go.

Before I can advise you on what to do, we need to talk about why you wish for time out.

Why do you need a break away from your spouse?

If you’re hoping to save your marriage by taking a break, I’m afraid my answer may not satisfy you.

A temporary separation from your marriage won’t necessarily save it – it depends entirely on what you do with the time apart.

What you need to do to save your marriage depends largely on your reason for wanting to escape.

So, what’s happening?

• Are you bored with your spouse or marriage?
• Are you having an affair?
• Are you trying to escape a stressful home life due to your spouse or kids?
• Has your spouse changed for the worse?
• Do you want a break because of a complete communication breakdown between the two of you?
• Have the two of you grown apart, and now you want to discover how you still feel about your spouse?
• Do you want to soften the impact before you ask for a divorce?
• Or perhaps a combination of the above?
• Are you in a second marriage and finding your spouse’s children by their first marriage too much to deal with?

Whatever the reason for the break, getting to the bottom of it and working to resolve it might save the marriage. That means stepping up to the plate to address your personal and marital problems.

That’s pretty direct, isn’t it?

But, what motivates you, in all honesty?

Do you just want a break, or is it a prelude to divorce?

I totally understand that if you’re unhappy for too long, you might want a divorce.

But telling a spouse you may still love, or at least care about, that you want to end the marriage is hard!

You might think of them as ‘a good person’ and not deserving to be ‘abandoned’, but you might not want to be with them anymore.

You might also fear the backlash of asking for a divorce right away. And the thought of having to tell the kids that you’re splitting up may be too much to bear.

Unfortunately, by telling your spouse you want a break, you’re leaving space for hope.

They’ll be left under the impression that if only they were to work hard on their marriage and change their ways, there would still be a chance you’d get back together.

Or, they might think you’re taking a break to ‘sort yourself out, and on your return, all will be well again.

Neither is very helpful!

Separation and divorce instead of a break

So, if you know you really want a divorce, then I think you might appreciate my advice in the following articles:

• How to tell your spouse you want a divorce
• How to break up with someone you live with
• How to survive a divorce
• How to help your kids through a divorce.

However, if there’s still hope, read on…

Can taking a break from your marriage ever be helpful?

You now know that taking a break can’t save your marriage if that’s all your doing. But, yes, it certainly can be helpful, if:

• You’ve told your spouse you’re unhappy.
• You both need a time-out to calm down because tempers have ridden too high, making sorting out your marriage problems impossible.
• You take the time to reflect on whatever’s happened and heal in peace.
• You absolutely intend to repair and rebuild your relationship with your spouse.
• You take the opportunity to get to know each other better again without the pressure of having to attend to the everyday chores (provided you’ve made some excellent arrangements to divide the necessary tasks)
• You take the time and opportunity to get the time to address any personal problems alongside your marital issues.
• You do all you can to talk about your problems, be it in short bouts, if that’s the only way you can cope with a conflict situation.
• You meet up also to spend quality time together.
• You go for couples counselling in the meantime.\You do not use that time to trial the relationship with a secret lover or mistress!
• All of the above.

In other words, a break can help save your marriage if you take the opportunity to work on yourself and your relationship. But, unfortunately, there is no guarantee!

Taking a break and not addressing your problems means that nothing will have changed should you return.

Even if the time out has done you good, you’ll quickly have to deal with the same irritations and problems. In fact, you’re likely to have made matters worse as you’ve raised your spouse’s expectations by your return.

Are you hoping your partner will miss you enough to want- and love you again?

Do you no longer feel loved, respected and cherished?

Are you hoping your disappearance will make your spouse wake up and realise what they stand to lose?

I totally understand your desperation, hopes and beliefs, but unfortunately, this kind of manipulation will likely backfire on you.

One of my counselling clients did just that.

Unfortunately, her spouse took the opportunity to leave her. He also had been unhappy and had, unbeknown to her, contemplated a separation.

The moral of the story is that you could be making a mistake from which there’s no return.

Quite apart from that, telling your spouse you want a break when really you want them to tell you that they love you and can’t do without you won’t solve that problem.

How to take a break from your marriage

So, what to do if your conflict has reached a peak.

You might have contemplated continuing together and live as if you’ve separated.

In my view, the problems would only escalate.

So, what to do instead?

If neither of you can or are willing to move out temporarily, the only option to prevent a further relationship breakdown is to do all you can to fix your relationship.

6 steps to help you stay together for now

Fortunately, I have a ton of articles here to help get you on your way to sorting your marital problems.

1. Start with my page: 25 common relationship problems, and keep reading!
2. Educate yourself on what’s required to build a healthy relationship, how you can make someone love you again (link) and what the secrets are to a happy relationship.
3. Stop blaming your spouse, take responsibility and make up your mind to become the best version of yourself.
4. Get expert help – talk to a relationship coach.
5. Use a professionally-produced hypnosis audion download (link) to keep you on track to save your marriage by rebuilding the relationship with your wife, husband or partner.
6. Give it at least six months of hard work before considering again if you should stay together or end your marriage.

Only when you’ve given yourself no excuses, worked your butt off and given it your all (without becoming a ‘doormat’, that is) is it time to reconsider the future of your marriage.

What to do when you get back together after a break

When you have the opportunity to take time out

The six steps in the previous section count for you also if you are taking time out and temporary move out of the family home.

It’s the only way forward if you’re planning to move back after a while.

What can you then expect life to look like when you move back?

What to do when you get back together after a break

What will likely happen when it’s time to return from your break?

Will your marriage flourish?

Will your partner have changed? Will you?

Will your spouse have forgiven you?

Will they have missed you and have become more loving, caring and considerate?

• Ideally, you should feel confident that you’re both in a much better place because of all the work you’ve done to save your marriage.
• You would have talked about your expectations, fears and plans.
• You have a plan to keep track of how you’re each feeling.

So, you hopefully now feel you’re well-informed about all the why’s and wherefore’s about taking time out.

Let’s get cracking with how you’re going to tell your spouse.

Setting you up for a reasonably constructive conversation

As human beings, the more emotional we are, the less sense we make.

We simply can’t think straight when we’re very emotional – be it anxious, angry, lustful, jealous, or any other feeling which has us in our grip.

Since you’ve landed here, I suspect you’re feeling quite emotional in one way or another, which may affect your decision-making.

Therefore, it may be an idea to get a hypnosis audio download to help you manage your emotions.

Discover how it would work for you and which track would suit you most (for example, having difficult conversations) on my page Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads.

4 things to expect when telling your spouse you want time out

1. Expect your spouse to find it difficult to process what you’re saying.
2. Expect and be prepared for the unexpected – goodness knows how they’ll react.
3. Expect and be prepared for how you are going to cope – it may be different than you had hoped or anticipated.
4. Expect to be having more than one conversation.

How to prepare yourself

1. Read through this article again and take heed!
2. Study my article on fair fighting rules.
3. Decide when precisely you’ll tell your partner or spouse you want a break. See further down.
4. Have a few sentences at the ready about the whys and wherefores of your wish.
5. Be prepared with a realistic wish list, relationship goals and ideas on how you’ll contribute to rekindling your relationship.

When not to tell your spouse you want time out:

1. Don’t discuss the matter just before your partner is due to go out, go to work, pick up the children, etc.
2. Don’t hint at it just before you walk out of the door to work (for example).
3. Don’t tell your spouse you want a break during a telephone conversation.
4. Don’t tell friends, family members or colleagues you’re considering time out before you tell your wife, husband or partner.
5. During a row is not a good time to tell your spouse you need to get away for a while.
6. Don’t text/app your intentions either.

A good time to talk to your spouse would be:

• When the two of you have time to talk it through without you having to rush out.
• When the kids can’t overhear you.
• When you both have time to process what happened after the conversation.

Next is what to say!

You can find examples of precisely what to say when you want a break in my article on how to break up a marriage, so here are some general tips…

Telling your spouse you want a break

6 tips for a better conversation

• Don’t blurt out all at once that you’re fed up with it all and want a break.
• Take a few sentences to build up to the purpose of the conversation.
• Say how you’re feeling and how you have run out of steam. Start by saying what the highs were, followed by the lows.
• Leave short breaks for ‘the penny to drop’ that you want a break and for your spouse to process her immediate thoughts and feelings.
• Stay as calm as possible, regardless of your partner’s reaction – no shouting or blaming. Take time out – 20 minutes or so – if tempers run high.
• Turn your complaints into wishes. Explain what you’d hope to achieve by taking this break and how you promise to use your time apart.
• Remember that, as human beings, we’re not capable of much rational thought while we’re highly emotional. Hence, my suggestion that you take it slowly and expect to come back to it for another discussion.

If your spouse didn’t already suspect this would happen, expect them to be even more emotional and say things they later regret.

They’re entitled to their feelings. Stay with it, let it happen and listen. It might be easy for you to lose your rag under these circumstances, so remind yourself to stay as calm as you can.

There’s little else you can do at this point except to reassure your partner again of your best intentions. That’s why you need to be doubly sure of your motivation!

Finally

You wanted to know how to tell your spouse you need a break. Hopefully, now you know how to prepare yourself, when to tell your spouse or partner and how to tell them. You even know what to do when you get back together again.

You now need a good dose of courage and empathy. It’s going to be tough, but doable if you truly have the right intention and motivation. You can do it!

Image is a derivatives of work by Tumisu and travelspot