What to do when your husband has suddenly changed for the worst

Discover why your partner or husband has changed the way they treat you

It probably feels scary when you feel your relationship slipping away because your husband has suddenly changed.

I understand that you might begin to feel insecure and wonder whether you can save your marriage or relationship. You probably wouldn’t be here if you didn’t still love your husband or partner.

I’m writing “he” and “him” because, surprisingly, mainly women tend to ask this question. However, this article is just as relevant for you if you’re a man (or another gender).

Though you may have your suspicions, I suspect you’re baffled about why he’s suddenly changed for the worst.

Perhaps you can’t understand why he’s become so mean, never seems to be in the mood anymore, barely has time for you or any combination of these.

No wonder you’re feeling rejected!

See also:

• I don’t know if I love him anymore
• My partners selfish, needy and attention-seeking
• My partner doesn’t find me attractive anymore
• Is my relationship worth saving?

How has his behaviour changed towards you?

So, how does your partner or spouse treat you differently now?

Maybe you recognise here how he’s changed for the worst:

• He’s started to treat you with the silent treatment.
• He’s pushing you away – physically and emotionally.
• He’s abrupt in conversations.
• He has changed in be. He no longer wants to make love, or…
• When you’re making love, he doesn’t care about your needs and wants.
• He no longer picks up the phone when you call or doesn’t respond to texts the way he used to.
• He’s rude towards you.

I suspect you can add to that list!

You’re likely feeling sad, confused, angry and scared about the future of your relationship. So, let’s see what might be going on.

14 potential reasons why your husband or partner has changed for the worst

Take a deep breath!

Then run your eyes over the following list of potential causes for the change in your husband or partner:

1. Infidelity
2. (Emotional) abuse
3. Narcissism
4. Wanting to break up but not knowing how
5. Trauma
6. Addiction
7. Other mental health problem(s)
8. Gender identity confusion
9. Money problems. He might be lying about money.
10. The two of you have grown apart. see How to fix these 18 common marriage problems.
11. It’s simply not the right relationship for him, he wants out, and that’s why, unfortunately, he’s changed the way he treats you.
12. Brain injury
13. He finds love-making with you less than satisfying.
14. He has a low libido and is embarrassed.

What to do when your partner or husband has changed towards you

First of all, why did your husband suddenly change? What happened?

Take some time to think carefully about what was happening before he suddenly changed.

Any life-changing event, sudden or significant change in circumstances can cause anyone to reconsider their priorities, norms and values.

• Has there been a recent change in circumstances – his, yours or both?
• Has something major happened recently at his work or in his extended family?
• Has something significant happened in your little family, with the kids, for example? Or have you just had a baby? See my article on what to do when you’re having relationship problems after the baby.
• Have you changed in some way – a new job, a pay rise, a new hobby?

Or has either of you changed quite a bit over the years?

• You may have grown apart, particularly if you married very young.
• You may have got bored with each other.

Here are some questions to help you figure out what might be at the bottom of your husband or partner’s change in behaviour.

The critical questions to ask yourself when your spouse has changed for the worst

I want to know that you’re safe and not in an abusive relationship!

So:

• Have there been any signs of abuse – physical, mental and/or emotional? Please check by following the link because what you might consider ‘normal’ may not be okay.
• Are you too scared to ever say “no” to him?
• Do you feel unsafe with him?

Did you answer any of these questions with a yes?

Then be sure to read my articles on living with a narcissist and the signs of emotional abuse.

Has your spouse played contact sports?

Does your husband or partner play contact sports, or he has done so in the past?

Please, then also read my article CTE and your relationship.

It may be that your spouse has sustained a brain injury. In that case, his behaviour is likely to have slowly become worse, it won’t get better, and he needs help.

How to know why your husband has changed towards you

Why he might be treating you differently

Ask yourself the following questions to help you figure out where you’re at:

• What precisely has been the main content of your arguments recently? See also: 42 reasons why couples argue so much.
• Might he feel unheard with regards to his needs and wants? If so, you may have to ask yourself whether the two of you are actually compatible. See my relationship compatibility test.
• Has there been a change in your behaviour, wishes or demands recently? If so, have these been reasonable, well-timed and considerate of his needs and wants.
• When did you first notice the decline in behaviour?
• What was happening at the time? If you can see a link in the timing, it may be that his essential emotional needs weren’t being met, without either of you being aware.
• Could it be that he hasn’t changed but you’re looking back at the past with rose-tinted glasses? After all, most relationships change toward a slower pace after the first couple of years.
• Is your physical relationship still what you or he hopes it could be?
• Has your libido changed?
• Is he fully involved as a parent, or does he perhaps feel like an outsider?
• If you’re not married, could it be that you want more from the relationship than he does? (See my article: How to ‘make’ him commit)
• Are you going through the menopause, and could it be that he has no idea how to support you?

Give the above some thoughts. Then commit to taking action…

5-step action plan on what to do when your husband has suddenly changed

It’s time to deal with the way your partner or spouse has suddenly changed toward you.

Here’s your plan:

1. Ensure you get further evidence for whatever you think the problem might be

Make a list of any signs that support your suspicions. It’s best not to talk to your spouse about your thoughts at this point.

Talk to other people – friends and family.

You could enquire surreptitiously about their thoughts on your husband’s behaviour. Or you could be direct and say you’d like an opportunity to discuss something sensitive with them in confidence.

Have they seen a change?

What do they know you don’t?

2. Write down your findings, thoughts and feelings

Reread my lists of possible reasons and problems further up. And follow the links to articles you think might point in the right direction.

Then write down your thoughts and feelings.

Why?

Because it will help you get a better perspective, in a sense, you’re listening to yourself and figuring out where you stand.

Don’t worry about capitals, full stops and grammar – just get it off your chest. It will help stop those whirring thoughts and gain some clarity.

3. Decide on what you want from this marriage or relationship

You now can look back over the last couple of years. Has this marriage or relationship been what you hoped it would be?

If not, what needs to change?

My comprehensive relationship compatibility test will help give your relationship a good overview.

Don’t skip over considering your role in the present problems. This reflection isn’t about who is ‘at fault’. But it is an opportunity to look at what you contributed to the success of your marriage and how you could do better.

Or, might you be better off ending your marriage? However, don’t be tempted to use it as a threat. Such a threat may well backfire on you!

4. Prepare yourself for a tough conversation

Read the following articles:

• 24 tips for a healthy relationship
• How to ‘make’ your partner love you again (all four parts!)
• Relationship communication
• Check for other articles that may also be relevant to your particular situation in my Category Sitemap: Better Relationships.

5. Calmly tell your partner you want to talk to him

Instead of springing the suggestion on him, follow the instructions in my article on how to argue more fairly. You’ll discover there how to set yourself up for success.

Outcome #1

Your partner declares that you’re mad, denies everything and shuts you down.

You’ll have to think about your own needs and wants in this case. Is this relationship still really right for you? Is it worth saving your relationship?

Outcome #2

He is relieved to be able to talk about the problem(s) he’s having, and you can both start working out a practical solution.

Outcome #3

He does not deny what you think you’ve discovered, but he’s not ready to discuss it further.

Either one of you could decide it’s time to break up (see: The complete guide to breaking up), or you both reinvest in the relationship (see How to save your marriage from divorce).

Depending on the outcome, either one of you could decide it’s time to break up (see: The complete guide to breaking up), or you both reinvest in the relationship (see How to save your marriage from divorce).

Sure, there may be commitment issues here! But, let’s further investigate your particular situation…

Was it a sudden change in how he treats you or is the situation more complex?

The problem is not with you. Though, of course, we all play a role in our relationships.

In this case, your choice of partner was based on a poor or incomplete assessment of your partner’s characteristics.

I suspect there were signs of impending troubles which you chose to overlook. And I wouldn’t be surprised if this is not your first experience of being in an abusive relationship.

The reasons he has changed

A person can change for reasons indirectly or not at all related to the relationship.

So, let’s look at why he’s suddenly become so mean to you.

If any of the factors below are at play, your partner needs help and support (not necessarily from you, though):

• Has he started drinking/taking drugs? (See symptoms of alcoholism)
• Could he be ill or in pain?
• There’s nothing quite as potentially demoralising as a lack of energy and/or pain. He would have no energy to invest in the relationship.
• Does he have sleep problems? People suffering from insomnia are known to get really cranky.
• Has he been in a serious physical fight or had a bad accident and could have sustained a brain injury?
• Has his libido changed?
• Could he have become addicted to adult material and found that his physical needs are better met elsewhere? (Not that you should feel responsible for that, of course!)
• Have the demands on him at work changed – for better or worse? In case of the latter, see my article on the symptoms of a nervous breakdown.
• Either way, he could be so preoccupied with work that it’s all he can think about right now.
• What about his age – midlife or older?
• I suspect you may never have considered this a potential issue, but if your partner or spouse falls into the right age group, then dementia is worth considering.
• In rare cases – could he have a brain tumour?

Of course, there could be many other possible reasons for your current relationship problems.

Try not to jump to conclusions until you’ve spoken to your partner and tried hard to understand the situation from his point of view.

Finally

It can be tough to cope when your partner or husband has suddenly changed and you’re worried about a complete relationship breakdown. But things won’t get any better unless you take some action. 

Now that you’ve read this article, I hope you feel better prepared to tackle this problem head-on.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it, from friends, family or a professional.

I know you can do this – I’m rooting for you!