The complete guide to the menopause for husbands and partners

How to help your wife through the menopause

Part 1, Part 2

Are you the spouse or partner of a woman going through the (peri)menopause? In that case, I applaud you for searching for information and menopause tips for husbands and partners.

How very fortunate your wife or partner is!

If you haven’t a clue what the (peri)menopause is, be sure to first read Part 1: Understanding the menopause for husbands and partners.

I aim to help you and your spouse or partner not just survive the menopause but thrive. How? By taking full advantage of this period to improve your relationship.

“A lot more men should get to know more about women’s problems. It really helps to talk about it.”

– Andrew

First, I’m going to validate what you might be feeling. We’re going to look at what so many men have said about their experience of the menopause. You’ll understand then you’re not alone.

The menopause for husbands and partners

How you may have interpreted the signs and symptoms of the menopause

• “I often feel rejected, particularly in bed.”
• “I wonder if she’s having an affair.”
• “I believe she’s suffering from depression.”
• “I suspect/know that she’s troubled by some health issues.”
• “Her work is causing her stress, causing her to be tetchy, and I’m bearing the brunt of it.”
• “I think she is taking it badly that the children have left home – empty nest syndrome and all that.”
• “I’m not sure that she loves me.
• “She doesn’t find me attractive anymore.”
• “I think that she’s cottoned on to my misdemeanours (spending, mistress, secret bank account, drinking, addiction to adult content, gambling.)”

Of course, these assumptions may or may not be accurate, but the menopause is likely to have played a role.

If you’ve read Part 1, you’re now better able to place your experience and problems in the context of your wife’s menopausal symptoms.

You’ll understand then that the physical and emotional symptoms of the menopause (and perimenopause) are all too real. And they can potentially exacerbate pre-existing relationship issues!

The good news is you can do much to bring about some peace and calm and even save your marriage if you think you’re headed for divorce.

Let’s get cracking with ways to help your wife through this period of change with my menopause tips for husbands and partners.

Husbands’ guide to the menopause

There’s much you can do to support your menopausal spouse. You can play a pivotal role in helping her feel seen and supported. Many women complain that their husbands don’t understand the menopause, let alone the perimenopause.

So, you’ll score well by showing her you know and perhaps understand what she’s going through (see Part 1).

To achieve just that, you may find my article on how to be an emotionally supportive husband also helpful.

14 menopause tips for husbands

Here’s how you can help yourself and your wife or partner survive the menopause.

Discover what to do and, crucially, what to avoid:

1. This period of change offers an opportunity to get to know the love of your life again. Reinvigorate your relationship starting today by downloading my free communication tools for couples with its guides, quizzes and tests.
2. Maintain – or gently and kindly (re)introduce – a sense of humour when appropriate (use your judgement!).
3. Be on the lookout for and focus on the good times between the upsets. Talk about where and when the two of you work well as a couple.
4. Your wife or partner is going through a challenging time, and perhaps so are you for your own reasons. Therefore, Remind yourself that she will eventually find her balance and best self again. And, hopefully, so will you.
5. Bear in mind that you also might have to face something similar (whether you’re male or female). Or, perhaps you’ve already been through what is called andropause.
6. Offer support the way you know your wife will appreciate. Ask, instead of blindly offering what you decide she needs.
7. Expect to feel at fault, rejected, angry, frustrated, and miffed. Yep, not what you’d choose!
8. Remind yourself not to take things too personally.
9. Avoid the temptation to dismiss things as her just being hormonal – she still needs your understanding and respect.
10. Don’t say: “There must be a cure for it” if your partner has plucked up the courage to talk to you about what she’s going through. There is no cure. HRT comes with all kinds of disadvantages.
11. Don’t suggest she needs antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs. These kinds of medications are proven to jeopardise the long-term outcome. She’s perfectly capable of getting expert help if necessary and making her own choices.
12. Don’t try and come up with any other fix – believe me, there is no easy fix! Listen to her, find out what she needs, and be supportive.
13. Offer practical help – remember: she can be too tired to cope with life’s usual demands. If you can, and she appreciates it, consider taking over the responsibility for specific tasks.
14. Let her know you love and appreciate her often. See my article 4 x 10 meaningful love quotes.

The husband’s guide to the menopause

How to survive the menopause and prevent a breakup

In addition to any pre-existing marital problems, you may also have been dealing with other challenges.

You might, for example, be caring for elderly parents, kids with problems, or they’re flying the nest or returning home. You could be having financial worries, job dissatisfaction and a feeling of being stuck. Maybe you’re plagued by physical or mental illness.

Whatever’s going on for you, you now also have a partner or wife trying to survive the menopause.

My advice, therefore, is that the two of you create a little more structure. That structure could provide a sense of safety, security, containment and control to prevent you both from becoming overwhelmed by it all.

To provide you with that structure, let’s look at increasing your resilience by meeting your basic needs (yours and your partner’s). We’ll home in on the menopause specifically further down.

Menopause help for men

Let’s talk about the five most important inborn emotional needs and how you could meet those in balance.

1. How to meet your essential emotional needs

You’ll increase your resilience, general well-being and happiness by meeting your essential emotional needs – in balance. Fortunately, you were born with a brain having all the necessary resources. For more information on that, visit my article on the Human Givens.

In the meantime, here’s what you can do to maximise your sense of well being right now…

2. How to survive your wife’s menopause by increasing that sense of control and volition

We all have an inborn need to know and feel that we matter, that we have an impact on our surroundings and relationships.

Since there’s so much in life you and I have no control over, I’d like you to consider how and where you’re already making a difference. Include in your considerations your relationship or marriage.

Then brainstorm to come up with new ideas. Perhaps there are things you’ve long longed to do – now is the time!

Regarding your marriage, you could, for example, aim to be extra generous with your love and attention, understanding and forgiving. I bet you, you’d make a huge difference! See also my article 24 tips for a healthy relationship.

3. The menopause guide in giving and receiving attention for husbands

In a healthy relationship, partners frequently turn to each other to give and receive attention in the most positive and loving ways throughout their time together.

Depending on your circumstances, you may need to deliberately carve out quality time together for that extra dose of giving and receiving attention.

Here’s my advice:

• Take your diaries and put a big cross on one evening a week when demands from others need to take second place.
• Plan a few hours or a day away together once a month and take it in turns to decide on and organise the day’s events. See my article on preventing boredom in a relationship for ideas.

4. You need privacy – for several reasons

You’ll need time for reflection and simply getting away from it all – we all do.

You’ll also need time away from all that interrupts as a couple – time to talk, to be tender and to make love – in privacy. Possibly your sexual relationship is already on a low burner, so I’ll talk about that a little further down the page.

5. The husband’s menopause guide to privacy

A sense of privacy is an essential emotional need. We all need time for reflection and simply getting away from it all – so do you.

You’ll need time away from all that interrupts you as a couple – carving out time to talk, be tender, and make love – in privacy. If your sexual relationship is already on a low-burner, it needs a little extra TLC.

More on that a little further down as it can’t be missing in my menopause guide for husbands.

5 steps toward a better relationship with your wife or partner during their menopause

Menopause tips for husbands who appreciate a step-by-step guide:

1. Take responsibility
   Consider your role in the relationship. You may well discover that there’s much you can do yourself to turn the relationship around, or at least keep it on an even keel.
2. Get to know each other again
   Aim for open and honest discussions. Be curious, show you’re interested in each other and ask questions – get to know each other again using my free Communication Tools for Couples (link further up).
3. Don’t blame it all on the menopause
   Make a distinction between menopausal symptoms and existing relationship problems. And, just in case, you might as well read my article My 7-step plan to be a better husband.
4. Adjust to find a balance
   Be sure to balance time for just the two of you with time for the family. Don’t forget to include time for each of your interests and hobbies.
5. Expect the unexpected
   Your wife is going through ‘the change’. She’s likely to look back at everything that’s happened over the years. And you may too. This reflection can potentially lead to a crisis in your relationship – even a breakup and divorce. However, it can also mark the beginning of a new, reinvigorated chapter in your life as a couple.

Last but not least – let’s talk about your sexual relationship – not unimportant in a guide to the menopause for men.

5 steps toward a better relationship with your wife or partner during their menopause

Menopause tips for husbands who appreciate a step-by-step guide:

1. Take responsibility
   Consider your role in the relationship. You may well discover that there’s much you can do yourself to turn the relationship around, or at least keep it on an even keel.
2. Get to know each other again
   Aim for open and honest discussions. Be curious, show you’re interested in each other and ask questions – get to know each other again. Use my free Communication Tools for Couples (link further up)
3. Don’t blame it all on the menopause
   Make a distinction between menopausal symptoms and existing relationship problems.
4. Adjust to find a balance
   Be sure to balance time for just the two of you with time for the family. Don’t forget to include time for each of your interests and hobbies.
5. Expect the unexpected
   During this period of change, you may well be looking back at all that’s happened over the years for you personally and as a couple. This reflection can potentially lead to a crisis in your relationship – even a breakup and divorce. It can also mark the beginning of a new, reinvigorated chapter in your life as a couple.

Last, but not least – let’s talk about your sexual relationship – not unimportant when you want info on the menopause for husbands or partners.

Your physical relationship during the menopause

What your wife or partner might be experiencing during the menopause

She may…

• feel sore – vaginal dryness can cause pain during intercourse
• have tender breasts
• have lost confidence in herself and her body
• be suffering from low self-esteem based on her changing body shape and the confrontation with the ageing process (recognise that feeling?)
• want and need physical closeness, even when she rejects your advances
• not feel much like making love now her body is less responsive.

And here’s what might be going on for you.

You…

• feel too young to shelve your physical desires
• secretly have considered having an affair, or already be unfaithful (see my complete guide to surviving infidelity)
• may have become more aware of beautiful – and possibly available – people around you
• even feel guilty that your thoughts alone are like a betrayal, even if you’ve never been unfaithful
• feel increasingly reluctant even to mention that you’d like to make love for fear of being rejected yet again (see How to deal with rejection in a relationship).

You may also be interested in my article on a sexless marriage.

5 tips for a better sexual relationship

See this time as an opportunity to rediscover each other’s bodies and to (re)build intimacy.

1. THE most important step is to invest in having a good and enjoyable physical relationship, even if it doesn’t lead to intercourse.
2. You could ask your partner to satisfy you without having intercourse.
3. You could offer her a ‘non-threatening’ massage – no touching breasts and genital area.
4. During intercourse, use a water-based cream unobtrusively or make it part of the ritual. Remember that her vagina has become thin under the shift in hormonal balance.
5. Feeling rejected? She may want you to touch her but is wary of your wanting more than she’s prepared to give at that moment. Be sure to distinguish between lovingly touching and hugging each other and touching to make love.

Finally

This particular time in your life can be full of challenges for all the reasons I’ve mentioned before. Your wife or partner’s menopause need only be a relatively small part of that.
Remember, this period also offers excellent opportunities for personal growth.
So, my last menopause tip for you as a husband or partner is to embrace those challenges instead of trying to avoid them.
Trust that you can positively impact if you aim to blow new life into your relationship or marriage and your personal goals. Hopefully, this menopause guide will help you to achieve.
Whatever your situation now, know that you’re far more capable, creative and resilient than you might think you are. You’ve got this!

Source

Mayo Clinic – Menopause