Help with your pornography addiction – my free 5-step porn addict recovery plan

Discover the best free porn addiction help for when therapy is not an option or not needed

Part 1, Part 2

I’m so glad you’re researching porn addiction help and finding the best ways to overcome your addiction. I commend you for acknowledging that you need help with your pornography addiction, as I’ve no doubt you’ve been struggling for some time.

However, before you read on, I’d like you to consider if you are a sex or porn addict. You might all too easily have made a self-diagnosis.

Particularly, if you’ve been made to feel guilty by your spouse or partner, religious leaders or parents, you may have come to the conclusion you have a problem.

Your use of pornography could also be a coping mechanism if you’re dealing with depression or anxiety.

Therefore, I’d love you to read this article about Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder first as using pornography isn’t necessarily a problem.

If, after reading that, you genuinely think you’re addicted, read on!

You genuinely feel you’re addicted

In that case, of course, I’m here for you as you clearly feel you need and want help with your porn addiction.

To overcome your sex or porn addiction, you’ll need to accept that your thoughts and behaviours are out of control and that you identify yourself as a ‘porn addict’.

Then you must be 100% committed to overcoming it because you want to and not under someone else’s direction.

If you know, deep down, that you’re not ready to give it up yet, please don’t even attempt it – you’ll be setting yourself up for a disappointment. In that case, just bookmark this article for later.

As you go through the steps, be aware of the “yes, BUT…” gremlin sitting on your shoulder and chipping in with excuses whenever you’re confronted with something uncomfortable.

Each time your focus drifts to the gremlin, bring it back to this page and stick with me.

You can do this, so let’s get cracking!

Step 1 – understanding what addiction is and does

I have explained in detail in Part 1 how we go naturally in and out of trance states throughout the day. A trance-state happens when we access a memory, are absorbed by any activity, listen intently, and watch a film. It’s when we focus very narrowly on a single event and lose touch with our surroundings. During a trance state, you might not notice someone calling you, the doorbell ringing, or the room’s temperature having changed significantly.

By reading this, you may have already understood what happens to you when you get a craving for porn.

Thereby comes then that your brain is immediately rewarding you for giving in. Unfortunately, it’s like the carrot and stick – a natural process but out of control.

Step 2 – porn addiction help in defining your core values

Any addiction can cause the addict to ignore or lose sight of their most strongly held values and beliefs.

So, what were your values and beliefs before getting lost in the addiction?

Whether or not you have ever considered what you stand for, now is the time to decide on your core values to help redefine your identity.

Your step 2 plan of action

1. Search the internet for a list of core values. Think about meaning and purpose (we’ll return to those later).
2. Choose five core values you know will help guide you in your day-to-day activities and, crucially, away from your addiction.
3. Write down why these core values are important to you to help affirm them.
4. Talk about it with someone you trust. You can do this without mentioning your addiction.
5. Remind yourself daily of these guiding principles.
6. Don’t be afraid to challenge yourself and recommit when you have doubts (as you naturally will!)

Take your time doing this exercise because you’re building the ‘statue of you’, forming the basis for further work in overcoming your pornography addiction. It will help you set boundaries and guide you through making decisions.

You are now no longer defined by your porn addiction.

Step 3 – creating diversions to help you beat your porn addiction

Your addiction has probably slurped up all your spare time and more.

So, what would you do if you weren’t spending all your time focussing on porn?

I’d love you to reconnect with former pastimes and develop new ones.

Use your (newly acquired) core values as guiding principles, and think thereby what you’ll do to divert your attention:

• at home
• outside
• at work.

At home, you’ll want to look at every room you’ve previously accessed porn and have a list of alternatives at the ready.

For distraction outside, one of the best ways to help with your addiction is to develop an interest in nature. Think thereby of, for example, an interest in trees and/or birds. They help you focus away from people when you’re suffering from porn or sex addiction.

At work, one of the ways to help you create a diversion might be to remember your core values and, if possible, take immediate action to help reaffirm them.

Say, for example, one of your core values is service. You could then get up and make someone a drink or offer assistance to someone else.

Step 4 – restrict access to porn where possible

Chance is you’ve already tried to restrict your access, and it has failed.

However, I’d like you to reinstall the filters, change passwords, set your browser to remove cookies on closing sites, etc. In other words, make it as difficult as possible for you to access porn sites.

Why?

The purpose is to give yourself extra time to stop and think whenever you feel that craving.*

The following advice is from my friends at Uncommonknowlegde.com (opens in a new tab).

Help with your pornography addiction

3-step strategy to stop you from accessing porn

1. Reverse your movements The moment you want to switch on whichever device you have at hand, reverse your movements.
2. Stop and give yourself half a minute. Recall all those moments after previous addictive episodes. Remind yourself of how hopeless, ashamed and guilty you felt. Remember those filters and passwords? Having to deal with those will give you those extra minutes.
3. Divert your attention Be ready with emergency diversions!

Other immediate ways to divert your attention away from the craving by breaking that trance state are:

• Counting backwards from 1000
• Pulling on an elastic band on your wrist
• Singing a song silently or out loud
• Reciting a poem.

Then focus again on whatever you were doing. Practice makes perfect! Every time to can stop yourself from accessing porn is a success, so make a note of it.

On to the next step…

Your life may not necessarily be empty of things that bring you joy and contentment, but you may not have taken much notice on account of your addiction.

So the following section is intended to help you start rebuilding your life.

Step 5 in helping you stop your porn addiction – rebuilding your life

Without a life that works well enough, beating any addiction becomes more difficult. So, in this step, I offer you help with your pornography addiction by showing you what you can do to rebuild the essence of your life.

We’ll concentrate on five of your most important innate essential emotional needs: 

1. The need for a sense of control and volition (completely lost, I suspect, since you might feel that the addict is in control, not you!)
2. The need for giving and receiving attention
3. The need for meaning and purpose
4. The need for a sense of community
5. The need for safety and security.

We’re all born with these very specific needs. And by meeting them in balance, we have a better chance to become the best version of ourselves. We’re more likely to feel mentally strong, resilient and contented.

Firstly, discover how you score by doing this inborn emotional needs audit.

Secondly, with the outcome in mind, read on to discover how to start rebuilding your life and recovery immediately.

How to meet your essential needs

1. A sense of safety and security

Consider what security and safety might mean to people around you (including those online).

What does it mean to you?

Where can you see an opportunity to make improvements?

Consider how you can establish and maintain a stable and safe home life and community around you. How can you help others and yourself feel safe by setting boundaries?

3 steps toward you beating your porn addiction by yourself

Consider what you need to do to help yourself and others feel safe and secure.

Remember: an addiction of any kind can cause the addict to ignore or lose sight of their original values, beliefs and morals, thereby shifting their boundaries.

1. Based on your new core values, consider how your present boundaries have been blurred and changed by your addiction to pornography.
2. Make a personal statement about what you – as a recovering addict – would consider being healthy boundaries in your relationship with your loved ones, friends and colleagues.

Strong, healthy boundaries increase your sense of safety and security.

2. The need for giving and receiving attention

Using porn is essentially a solo act. In that trance-state, you don’t have to think about anyone else. No one is talking back, and your fantasies can run riot. You’ve disconnected yourself from the world around you.

But as humans, we’re social creatures, and giving and receiving attention is an essential need. That requires interaction with your partner, friends, family, neighbours, and anybody. A relationship is much more likely to flourish if you give the person your undivided attention.

3 steps toward helping you recover from your pornography addiction

Start by making a list of all the people you know! You don’t necessarily have to know them well, so include the woman across the street, the colleague in another department, etc.

1. Commit to giving at least one person 100% of your positive attention. Send them a letter, card, email, or drop by in person. Ask specific questions about their well-being, starting with something you know about them. If choosing your partner or spouse, download my free Communication Tools for Couples (opens in a new tab) to make it easy and fun!
2. Focus solely on their answers. If they enquire about you, you’re already prepared as per Step 3 – creating diversions.
3. Repeat in your own words what they’ve told you so they know you’ve read or listened intently and so that they feel valued. For example, you could say: “Ah, that sounds like you’ve been struggling/had a great time/life has been difficult/are very proud of…” etc.

3. The need for a sense of community

You’ve already made a start in the previous section!

Friendships and engagement with extended family provide opportunities for fun, love and laughter. They are great levellers and help to separate you from your troubles. Friendships allow you to see your struggles in a broader context as you discover how others deal with their problems (or not!).

They are, in essence, a great help with your porn addiction as they counteract your solo sex-related activities.

3 steps in helping your porn addiction recovery

Essentially this builds on the previous section on giving and receiving attention.

1. Get in touch with two old friends – simply send them a message: “Hi! You just popped into my thoughts.”
2. Apologise for not having been in touch before if necessary (no details necessary at this point).
3. If you get a positive response, be sure to follow up and develop the relationship!

4. The need for a sense of control

Being addicted to porn can cause you to feel completely out of control in most areas of your life.

Yet, as human beings, we need to know that we have some (balanced) control over our environment. We need to feel that we can influence the (immediate) world around us – even in minor ways.

The following is most likely something you can effect immediately.

3 steps toward recovering from your porn addiction

1. Finish off, tidy up or sort out something you’ve been meaning to do for ages.
2. Deal with three outstanding pieces of paperwork relating to your home or work life (or even both!)
3. Clear up your home, do the washing up and make your bed – every day. It will give you a sense of achievement and control and improve your self-esteem.

5. The need for meaning and purpose

Meeting your need for meaning and purpose will help you get through the most challenging times in your life – including this one.

It helps divert your attention from your cravings and turn it toward something meaningful. So, what is your mission in life?

If your work or family doesn’t provide you with enough or any meaning and purpose, consider how you can contribute to your community (preferably offline!) through voluntary work and other acts of kindness.

Or align yourself with a spiritual practice. Regarding the latter, be mindful of the potential for prejudices about your particular addiction, though.

You could also want to join a sports club and become involved in the club by not only sporting but also volunteering.

Choose 2 out of the 3 following options to aid your recovery

1. Search for and (re)invest in a hobby or interest
2. Search for and commit to at least two hours of voluntary work a week
3. Join a club.

Healing your relationship

If you’re in a close couple relationship, your sex, porn, or erotica addiction will doubtless have taken its toll.

“The pornographic material supplied on the internet often over time replaces sexual intimacy that would normally occur with their partner.” **)