Discover how to fix the lack of intimacy in your marriage with my 7-step plan

What to do when there’s a complete lack of intimacy in your relationship or marriage

A lack of intimacy in your relationship or marriage doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not having s*x. It could also mean a lack of emotional intimacy or affection, frequently leading to physical intimacy issues. 

Without intimacy of any kind, lovemaking becomes mechanical and is likely to tail off over time. And now, I suspect, you feel stuck in a s*xless marriage or relationship, worrying perhaps that your spouse doesn’t find you attractive anymore.

I’ve got you!

Stick with me, and I’ll take you to be 6-step recovery plan. And, importantly, share this article with your spouse or partner!

Let’s get cracking with sorting your s*x life out!

Step 1 – eliminating wretched attempts at becoming ‘lucky’

8 things not to do when you’re getting no s*x

Feeling frustrated, angry and rejected because your wife, husband or partner has no interest in making love? Are you fed up because they’re never in the mood?

 I totally understand!

However, none of the following is going to fix your physical relationship:

1. Pushing your partner into making love more often.
2. Forcing your partner (rape). See Signs of an abusive relationship.
3. Manipulating the situation in some way.
4. Withholding any show of affection.
5. Allowing yourself to become obsessed with the lack of intimacy and becoming too emotional about it. It will stop you from discovering the real cause and finding an effective solution.
6. Ignoring existing relationship problems (your spouse is likely to have mentioned them!)
7. Blaming and shaming your spouse (you also play a role).
8. Not considering your role in the problem.

Infidelity might seem like a solution to your frustration.

I would understand if you’re tempted by cheating if you’ve done all you can to address the problems in your relationship. Doubtless, the constant rejection and lack of affection is taking its toll.

However, trust me when I say that an affair will most likely cause no end of trouble further down the line. See my article: Dealing with infidelity.

Step 2 – establish which came first: intimacy or relationship problems

I am a qualified and experienced couple counsellor (ret.). By the time my clients came to see me, the lack of intimacy had often led to all kinds of other relationship problems, or so it appeared.

A physical relationship lets you communicate your feelings of love, lust, desire and intimacy. However, it also allows for the expression of anger and disgust. In case of the latter, I can almost guarantee that if you are having s*x, it’ll be without real intimacy. And, I can definitely guarantee that anger and disgust are a complete turn-off!

The question therefore is, which came first – your relationship issues or the lack of intimacy?

The lack of intimacy you’re experiencing may have nothing to do with having s*x but can result from unresolved relationship problems.

A marriage or relationship without emotional intimacy can lead to feelings of rejection, sadness, hurt, disappointment, frustration and anger.

These feelings in themselves can become a barrier to building and maintaining a loving, satisfying intimate physical relationship. In other words, your perception of the problem and the resulting feelings can contribute significantly to the lack of intimacy.

Step 3 – discovering other or contributing causes

26 reasons for a s*xless marriage or relationship

So, we’ve already established that existing relationship problems could cause your marriage to be without intimacy.

However, the problem can also be due to all kinds of other issues – practical, physical, mental and emotional.

Perhaps you recognise a few of the following examples, in which case you’re already on the way to fixing your intimacy issues:

And then all kinds of fears can stand in the way of a great intimate relationship, such as:

1. Fear of pregnancy
2. Fear of childbirth, perhaps after a traumatic birth
3. Fear of becoming a parent
4. Fear of intimacy
5. Fear of being touched
6. Fear of kissing!

Did you discover some potential causes for your lack of intimacy in the above lists?

If so, you know where you can make an immediate start to resolve it!

Marriage without intimacy caused by low libido or desire

Arousal is a very complex process (like every other function in the body) and involves:

• your brain
• your nervous system
• your hormones
• your blood vessels
• your muscles
• your emotions.

Problems with – and imbalances in – any of these are likely to affect your desire.

If these problems are not addressed, a chronic lack of desire or arousal (as well as other health issues) can sadly lead to a s*xless marriage.

Improving libido, first and foremost, involves ensuring overall physical, mental and emotional well-being. I know – it’s disappointing there isn’t a quick fix!

But don’t despair!

Step 4 – make an appointment for a medical checkup

Ideally, you should both visit your family doctor.

In some cases, it may even be the quickest fix!

10 ways your doctor can help improve your libido

Your physician can:

1. Review your antidepressants (if prescribed) – yes, they can most definitely lead to a lack of intimacy.
2. Review your medication for high blood pressure (if prescribed).
3. Deal with any pain.
4. Find the cause of erectile dysfunction and treat it (we’ll be looking at asking a specialist therapist for help later).
5. Find the cause and deal with ejaculatory problems.
6. Treat an illness.
7. Deal with fatigue, though there is much you can do yourself.
8. Review your contraception and help you overcome your fear of pregnancy.
9. Deal with any traumatic experiences by referring you to an appropriate professional.
10. Deal with depression and stress.

Be aware that antidepressants are very likely to reduce feelings of connection and libido, so do read my article on treating depression without medication.

Step 5 – improving your emotional intimacy

According to s*x educator Emily Nagoski in this TedTalk, you need three things:

• Trust
• Friendship
• The knowledge your partner is there for you no matter what.

Naturally, as in every relationship, irritations, misunderstandings, conflict and hurt feelings can create a barrier.

Therefore, it’s essential you actively deal with pesky emotional challenges and difficult feelings.

Don’t let them simmer and widen the distance between the two of you. And, as Emily states, treat those relationship issues with kindness and compassion.

Can you talk about your issues with your partner or spouse without it turning into an argument?

Read on to discover how.

Step 6 – tackling general communication problems

Lack of communication in general also leads to a lack of emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage or relationship. It’s the road to a complete relationship breakdown and breakup.

Good communication is all-important when you want to fix your intimacy problems, prevent a relationship breakdown and reap the rewards by having an enjoyable s*x life.

An emotionally and physically intimate relationship is one way of communicating your love and desire for each other. It’s also a way to simply enjoy each other’s company and start a family if that’s what you’re hoping for.

Can’t talk without arguing? Then I’d like you to start fixing that problem first.

So, hop over to my article How to argue fairly or download my free Fun Communication Tools for Couples.

Let’s move on – there’s more to a physical relationship than penetration.

Step 7 – making it happen

Tip # 1 – improving your physical relationship

Physical intimacy involves much more than s*x. It’s an aspect of the dance of communication in a close, committed couple relationship.

Physical intimacy includes:

• any kind of loving touch, however fleeting
• simply holding hands
• stroking and massaging
• kissing – just a kiss of a few seconds when you leave and when you’re back home can make all the difference
• cuddling
• holding, embracing.

These are all small ways to let your spouse or partner know how much you love them physically. All can and ideally should be part of your relationship without expecting it to automatically lead to making love.

Not getting that physical reassurance in a relationship can feel so painfully like rejection. Therefore, in a committed relationship, physical intimacy should be part and parcel of your everyday life.

I encourage you to invest in becoming skilful at offering this kind of intimacy, particularly if you know you can do better.

Do it only because you want to become the best lover you can be (remembering your hygiene!).

So, be prepared to work on your relationship without expecting an immediate return in favour. You may then find your spouse or partner beginning to respond – if you can hold on to your desire for more and let them be the guide.

How to maintain a strong s*xual connection over decades

According to s*x educator Emily Nagoski in this TedTalk, you don’t need to make love very often.

Neither does your s*x life have to be wildly adventurous. Nor do you constantly have to be all over each other like a rash.

Under the circumstances, I suspect that might not be a relief to you!

Read on, though.

Emily says science has shown that couples who cuddle after making love are most likely to continue to have a satisfying love life.

Tip #2 – switching desire and arousal

I’d now like you to watch this video (opens in a new tab) for the best advice from Michele Weiner-Davis.

Michele is a couples therapist who talks about what to do if you’re in a marriage without intimacy (you might want to watch it with your spouse or partner).

Please, take note of what she says about desire and arousal.

Do you know which comes first for you and which for your partner or spouse?

Tip #3 – forget about s*x having to be spontaneous!

Why?

Because it’s all too easy for the shopping list, the kids, work, tiredness and everything else to get in the way.

Instead, you need to prioritise time for s*x – to make it a date regularly!

Then, according to Emily, at the allotted time, “Lay in your bed in your ‘party clothes’, let your skin touch your partner’s skin and wait for your body to wake up.”

In other words, you choose to be intimate with your spouse above everything else.

How to talk to your spouse about the lack of intimacy in your marriage

You may find talking about your intimate relationship, particularly s*x, challenging. So, having a conversation about the lack of intimacy may seem even more daunting.

Here’s how you could tackle the problem.

You could start by setting a date, cooking a meal and setting the scene with music. Ensure you won’t be disturbed and light some candles. Listen, for example, to the music you both enjoyed when you first met.

Build the atmosphere, softening it by looking at photos from that time. Remind yourselves of how you felt then. Talk about what you talked about then.

If you feel any resistance, I’m afraid your problems go much deeper. In that case, I’d like you to read the following articles:

• My spouse doesn’t find me attractive anymore
• Signs your spouse is cheating
• Signs your marriage is over

If, however, the conversation is going well, you could, at some point, say something like:

“I have to admit, though, that lately, I’ve felt rather rejected by the lack of intimacy in our relationship. I wonder how it is for you.”

“I have been wondering if you’ve been feeling okay as I know I’ve been feeling somewhat lonely/ off/ confused/ tired/ stressed.” Fill in whatever is going on for you.

“What else can I do to help you feel even more loved/ intimate/ s*xy/” etc.

“I’ve noticed you seem more stressed of late. It feels like you’ve been withdrawing from me. To be honest, I feel a bit rejected at times. I wonder if you’ve been feeling okay?”

Depending on how the conversation goes, you could begin to focus more on your relationship’s lack of physical intimacy. Below is a list of questions to help the conversation along.

Once you get the hang of it and learn what makes your partner tick a bit better, you may feel more confident talking about whatever problem is troubling you.

So, here goes…

10 questions to help you get comfortable with talking about your intimate relationship

1. How did you learn about s*x and intimacy?
2. Who exactly told you what, where and when?
3. What were your parents’ attitudes to it all?
4. Did you play any games with your siblings or friends as a child that had an intimate physical element?
5. What was your first s*xual experience like?
6. Were you in love? Was it just lust?
7. Were you, as a teenager, able to confide in anyone about it?
8. What’s your attitude towards your body, hygiene, health, menstruation, pregnancy, contraception, fantasies, etc.?
9. How does your religion prescribe what is and isn’t acceptable?
10. How bothered are you about your partner’s previous partner(s)?

What about gender?

Let’s not forget the impact of gender. 

• How do you define gender?
• Do you suspect that your partner has a different gender than you thought?
• Where are you on the scale? 
• How does your religion deal with the issue?
• What about your family?

I can’t do any better than let artist iO Tillett Wright do the talking in this video (opens in a new tab).

Unsure about your relationship?

If you know, you’re no longer in love with your partner or spouse, or you’re not sure you can continue (for whatever reason) – stop pretending!

Take my Relationship compatibility test to help you figure out what’s happening and talk to your spouse.

My article on breaking up or staying may also be helpful.

Sources

1. “Pelvic Organ Prolapse: The Lowdown.” @Berkeleywellness. Accessed 28 Feb. 2019.