How to know when to end a relationship with someone you love

When to leave a relationship – breaking up when you’re still in love

Probably, you’re here somewhat against your will, but you see no other option than the end the relationship with someone you still love.

I suspect you’ve been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions with feelings such as disappointment, hurt, frustration, depression and anger about what’s been happening.

And now, much to your regret, you wonder if and how you should break up despite still being in love.

You could also be asking yourself how you’d know you love someone.

I totally understand your feeling so conflicted. Your brain probably tells you one thing: “leave – there’s no point in waiting”, and your heart something else: “stay – you can’t live without them”.

It’s my aim, therefore, to help you figure out if and when you should end a relationship with someone you love and how.

Let’s get cracking…

When to end a relationship, even if you’re still in love

When it’s time to leave a relationship

There’s only one situation when it’s definitely time to leave a relationship. That’s when your partner is abusive towards you.

If you’re unsure what an abusive relationship precisely entails, hop over to my abusive relationship test to read all about the signs of an abusive relationship.

Are you indeed in an abusive relationship, and have you decided to break up – even if you love your partner?

If so, be sure not to discuss your intention to end the relationship with your partner.

Get help first!

You’ll find a list of helpful organisations at the end of the article on signs of an abusive relationship.

When to end a relationship with someone you love

4 things to do first before breaking up with someone you love

Before you even consider ending your relationship, it should go without saying that you’ve made every effort to make the relationship work.

Ideally, before leaving a relationship:

1. You’ve talked about your relationship problems with your partner and discussed how you can each contribute to fixing your relationship.
2. You have made an effort to understand how relationships work and what’s required to build a healthy relationship.
3. You have taken responsibility for dealing with the issues you‘ve personally brought to the relationship. See my series of articles on how to make your partner love you again.
4. You’ve sought relationship advice, whether from a professional counsellor, a relationship coach, a religious leader or a trained volunteer. Or you’ll have talked over your troubles with someone you know who has wisdom, awareness and the ability to be non-judgmental.

Done all of the above? Let’s look at the reasons you might want to end a relationship with someone you love…

Signs it might be time to end the relationship with someone you love

17 signs it’s time to break up even though you’re still in love

The following list of situations and relationship issues is by no means exhaustive.

I trust, though, that it will help you decide to break up with someone you love or not.

How to know when to leave a relationship

1. You’re being abused

I mention it again in case you haven’t read the above notes.

If you’re being abused – mentally, sexually, financially, physically or economically, you owe it to yourself to end the relationship.

But, do it only when you can do so safely. You need to split up and get out – even if you still love your partner.

You need to split up and get out – even if you still love your partner.

I’d like you to watch this TedTalk (opens in a new tab) about the difference between healthy and unhealthy love.

2. There’s no future in the relationship

Maybe you’re in a long-distance relationship. You may be living in different countries.

Or, you’re from different cultures. Perhaps there’s no hope of a future together without the wrath or loss of extended family.

Maybe you’re in a long-distance relationship. You may be living in different countries.

Or, you’re from different cultures.

Perhaps there’s no hope of a future together without the wrath or loss of extended family. However much you love each other, you have to end the relationship when you can’t be together. It’s the only way you each have a chance to find love again.

Are you in a loving relationship with someone already in a committed relationship or even married? Or are you?

When one or both of you are unfaithful, you may know you can’t ever be together regardless of how much you love each other.

You may have no option but to leave the relationship – for several reasons, particularly when promises of a future together are never fulfilled.

Hop over to my article on how to deal with infidelity.

3. You have totally different values and beliefs

You’ve discovered that your- and your partner’s values and beliefs are significantly different. You probably know you have to end the relationship because you’re incompatible despite your being in love.

4. Your partner is making little or no effort

You’re likely to feel that you’re making all the effort, but you get little back.

It may be that your partner:

• is no longer interested in you
• is only interested in themselves (perhaps even somewhat narcissistic)
• is suffering from a mental health problem or…
• doesn’t understand what’s needed to be the become the best possible spouse
• is depressed (not a reason perhaps to break up! See my article on how to support your depressed spouse).

5. Your partner has an addiction

Your partner suffers from substance or alcohol abuse for which they’re not seeking help, and it’s seriously affecting your well-being (see also Living with an alcoholic)

6. Your partner prioritises their personal interests

Your partner invests more time in themselves than in the relationship through sporting, gaming, spending time on their hobbies, pursuing their own interests or being with their friends.

Clearly, you both need time to yourself – that’ll also benefit your relationship.

However, if there’s a disbalance between how much time you each spend on your own pursuits, it may damage your relationship.

7. You’re bored

The spark has gone. Even though you still love your partner or spouse, and despite all your efforts to improve the situation, you simply remain bored in your relationship.

Hopefully, you’ve realised that you can’t change your partner, and it will be a ‘take it or leave it’.

8. Incompatibility with regard to your physical relationship

Your need for a greater or lesser physical intimacy than your partner means that however much you’re in love, the two of you are not compatible.

See also: What to do about a sexless marriage.

9. Your partner is lying to you

Your partner has deliberately lied to you or lied by omission, i.e. they haven’t told you things that were of great importance.

They have lied about money, for example.

10. Infidelity

Your partner is cheating on you. You no longer trust them and do not wish to fix the relationship and stay together.

11. Blended family problems

Maybe don’t get on with your partner’s children, or your children are rejecting your new partner.

12. Doubts from the beginning

You suspected from the start the two of you were not a good match.

13. You’ve lost yourself

You no longer like or recognise the person you’ve become in this relationship. Your partner or spouse doesn’t even remotely support your dreams, and you’ve exhausted yourself supporting them.

14. You’re constantly being criticised

You feel unsafe because you can’t do anything right, and you get blamed for everything.

We’re not talking about constructive criticism here but verbal attacks, ridiculing and humiliation. In other words – your partner is emotionally abusive.

15. Your partner is defensive

Your partner isn’t willing to take responsibility for their part in your relationship issues, and they blame you for the problems.

16. Your partner doesn’t speak to you for hours or even days

The silent treatment is detrimental to any relationship.

17. You’re living like siblings

Even though you still love your partner – there’s little evidence of the emotional and physical intimacy you once had together.

Can anyone tell you when to break up?

Neither I nor anyone else can or should tell you if and when you should end your relationship, particularly not when you’re still in love with that person.

No one can know the full story from both of your perspectives or assess to what extent the two of you are compatible.

However, before you decide to split up, know that being in a committed couple relationship takes continuous effort – from both of you.

It requires a commitment to self-development, self-knowledge, compassion, generosity of spirit and the courage to be vulnerable.

However challenging, it can all be sooo worth it in the end!

So, don’t give up too quickly. And be sure to truly give it the very best of you. Ask yourself if there’s really nothing more you can do to make it work.

You’ve done that, and it feels all like only hard work with little pleasure? And you appear the only one wanting it to work, it’s time to end the relationship.

How to break up with someone you still love

Knowing when to end a relationship with someone you still love is one thing.

But knowing how to break up with someone when you feel you can’t really live without that person is something else.

Without a doubt, breaking up with someone you love is much harder than when the two of you have grown apart. Sadly, there’s no way to do it without it causing a huge sense of loss – for you, but maybe also for your partner.

I’ve got your back, though. I understand how utterly devastated you might feel at the very thought of ending your relationship.

I’ve got a ton of information for you how to move on from someone you still love.

How to end a relationship with someone you love

You’ll be well-prepared to break up with someone you love when you’ve read my articles on ending a relationship. You’ll know when to have that heart-wrenching conversation, what to do and say, and what to avoid.

So, to learn all about how to break up, hop over to my articles:

• How to break up with a child involved
• How to break up with your spouse in 3 clear steps
• How to end a long-term relationship
• The complete guide to amicably breaking up with someone.
• Breaking up with someone you’re living with.

When to leave a relationship with kids involved

Do also consider the effect of your separation if there are kids involved.

To get the low-down on what to do for the best, see my articles How to help your children through a breakup and How to help your kids through a separation.

Finally

I’m frequently asked when and how to break up and end a relationship with someone you love.

Unfortunately, there are so many variables to consider that no one can give you a direct answer. So you’ll need to take your time. Follow the links, read, and figure out what to do next when considering leaving a relationship.

Trust that you’re far stronger than you think you are.

Chances are you’ve already been going through a difficult time – so you know you’ll survive what’s waiting for you, whether or not you’re leaving the relationship.

You’ve got this!