How to break up with someone in 3 steps

3-step plan for ending a relationship

When you want to know how to break up with someone, there are a ton of things to consider. Knowing what to say, in particular, is hard. But also knowing if it’s the right thing to do can be an issue.

You’re likely to have been mulling it all over in your mind. But I suspect you’re at a loss when it comes to plucking up the courage and ending your relationship.

Step 1 – preparing yourself for breaking up with your partner

How to know it’s time to break up

How sure are you that splitting up is the right thing to do?

Of course, if you’ve netted yourself a toxic partner, it absolutely is time to break up. But other than that? What are you missing? What’s gone wrong? 

It’s unrealistic to expect all your needs to be met in your relationship.

Unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment and resentment. However, your view of precisely what ‘realistic’ is, is likely different from mine and, more importantly, your partner’s.

Therein lies the problem as well as the solution.

So, try the following exercise.

When you don't know how to break up

You might be tempted to suggest a temporary break. Perhaps avoiding that gut-wrenching conversation telling your partner you want to split up.

Once you've read the rest of this article, I trust you'll feel more confident to end the relationship once and for all.

However, a trial separation may make you realise what you stand to lose.

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

It may well do.

However, while a break may make the final cut more bearable for you, it may make it worse for your partner. They may see the break as a sign of hope. They'll constantly be looking for signs you want to save the relationship.

A note on guilt

Perhaps you've invested in this relationship. You may or may not have made promises.

Regardless of the circumstances, having to tell your partner you want to break up may fill you with a sense of dread and guilt.

Remember then that you can be considered guilty only if you deliberately set out to make their life miserable or you know you've used someone. In case of the latter, you may be hurting two people right now if, for example, you're having an affair. So, at least splitting up with one person allows you to invest in the relationship with the other.

But you're here because you want to know how to break up with someone in the least hurtful way.

You definitely don't need to feel guilty if you're in an abusive relationship. I suspect that some of you will, nevertheless, feel guilt-ridden once you've found the strength to end that relationship.

A little more, then, on how to break up with someone abusing you...

How to break up a toxic relationship

Ending a toxic relationship needs to be done with extra care and consideration to ensure you stay safe.

Things not to do when breaking up a toxic relationship

• Don't say you're breaking up during an argument
• Don't tell your partner of your intention to break up before you've considered all possible implications
• Don't break up without having a bag packed with essentials so you can stay temporarily with family or a friend.

I urge you to inform yourself fully by visiting the appropriate organisation in whichever country you reside. 

You'll find a list of helpful organisations at the end of the article on signs of an abusive relationship.

Let's now focus on how to break up with someone in the least hurtful way.

How to break up with someone

5 ways of breaking up that increase the heartache

Here's what will make the breakup even harder for your soon-to-be ex (potentially increasing your sense of guilt):

1. You have not let your partner know you were unhappy. Instead, you suddenly tell them it's over. In other words, you've not given them ( or both of you) a chance to work through your relationship issues.
2. You don't give them well-considered reasons for the breakup.
3. You have very good reasons to break up, but don't take the time to help them understand as best as you can.
4. You don't give them sufficient time to talk it over.
5. You inexplicably change your attitude and behaviour for the worst instead of making sure you split up amicably.

We've already established that breaking up with someone can be really hard.

With that in mind, here's how to make it a little more bearable for yourself.

5 tips to prepare yourself before telling your partner you want to break up

1. Line up your own support in advance – consider who you might want to talk to afterwards.
2. Consider in advance the different ways your partner may react. Ideally, talk it over with a good friend (or a registered or licensed therapist).
3. Prepare yourself for a completely unexpected reaction. You might think you know your partner well enough. However, depending on their investment and expectations for the relationship, their reaction may differ from what you'd expect.
4. Avoid blaming your partner for everything. Focus only on behavioural aspects instead of criticising them as a person. And make sure you're not drawn into an argument.
5. Resolve to remain calm – consider now what you need to do to accomplish that.

Step 2 - preparing the conversation to end the relationship

Let me make it clear right away. You cannot break up with someone by text. It's not fair, it's cruel, and simply an unacceptable way to end a relationship.

Therefore, I have a ton of detailed advice and tips on how to go about breaking up with someone - in person. You'll learn important life and relationship skills and can keep your head high.

Before you tell your partner you want to break up

Timing

• Think about timing. Is your partner planning to go out? Does it happen to be a special day of any kind? Do they have an important day at work? Forget it!
• Allow your partner time to express their feelings. That is if they want that and don't tell you to clear off right away. They're likely to be angry or full of rage, hurt and sad. They may feel full of remorse depending on what's happened. Or they're in complete despair. You can't argue over feelings - they are what they are. There's nothing you can or need to do or say. Just listen.

Space

• End a relationship in privacy - in your own home or during a walk in a quiet space not too far from where your partner lives. Or consider having the conversation at their home.
• Where ever you are, make sure you can't be disturbed. If you're inside - leave both phones in another room or sound and vibrate off.

Attitude

• Aim to remain cool, calm and collected, however challenging.
• Communicate clearly, kindly (at the very least politely) and decisively (see my article on how to communicate).

When you've taken all of the above tips to heart (as much as they apply to you), you're well-prepared to break up with someone. The task of ending your relationship will be less daunting.

So, let's now talk about setting the stage.

How to break up with someone - step 3

How to tell someone that you're ending the relationship

Here's how to break up with someone in short without causing as little hurt as possible (though breaking up, unfortunately, almost always causes pain). You'll find further details and what to say when ending a relationship a little further.

10 tips for telling your partner that you want to break up

1. Tell your partner that the two of you need to have a conversation. Say something like: "Let's chat about something important." Or: "I need to talk to you about the two of us." That will make them realise something's amiss and prepare them for a serious conversation. Don't just start the conversation out of the blue.
2. Kindly suggest a realistic time limit if you anticipate an endless discussion: "This is going to be difficult for both of us, but possibly mostly for you. Let's give it X minutes for now. We can come back to it later if you want." And if you can bear it!
3. Next, say: "You may have realised this is not a regular, run-of-the-mill conversation."
4. Ask how they're feeling – then listen, and simply say: "I understand." if you do, or: "I can see you're feeling ….." That helps to prepare the ground for the next stage of the conversation.
5. Just listen.
6. State your reasons for wanting to end the relationship carefully – keep it short, with no endless explanations.
7. Talk about your role and contributions to the relationship: "I know I have been..." " I have not done..."
8. Mention only behaviours you found difficult or were missing in your partner, don't criticise the person: "Your way of... I have never been able to accept" or "is so against what I believe in/important for me." Repeat your reasons if necessary. Be clear, but be short without too much detail. (More on this further down.)
9. Your partner is now prepared for the worst. "I am having this conversation because I am ending our relationship." Or: "I am really sorry, but I am breaking up with you."
10. Be sure not to offer time and opportunities for improvement. You have now broken up. It needs to be final. If necessary, simply repeat that it really is over between you.

How to break up with someone

1. Take it gently - step by step

Take your time and be considerate. Your partner may not have seen it coming unless it was obvious a breakup was on the cards.

2. Be honest about the why's and wherefore's

Be sure not to accuse your partner as a person. As I explained, talk only about specific behaviours you've found problematic.

After a short intro in the trend of: "I suspect you know what I'm going to say is serious." They'll want you to get on with it then.

Here are some further examples of what you can say:

• "I am very sorry to tell you that I no longer wish to be in this relationship."
• "Unfortunately, we're having this conversation because I want us to split up."
• "I think you've probably already realised that something is amiss. I know I've not been available to you lately."
• "I've been increasingly unhappy over the last few months, and I've come to the conclusion that our relationship is no longer what I hoped it could be."
• "I've been feeling increasingly irritated and angry by your lack of care, consideration and attention."
• "I've been increasingly disappointed and frustrated by your refusing to talk about..."
• "I feel let down by your continuing to ignore your/my/our..."
• Avoid saying something like: "It is not about you, it's all me"- even if it's true. Your partner will see it as a meaningless cop-out (and perhaps it is!)

3. Make it clear the breakup is permanent

Don't say: "We could take a break." to make it easier on yourself.

Or: "We can still be friends."

You probably can't, not for at least a year or two and maybe never. You may think you can be friends, but you're on a different time scale. Your soon-to-be-ex feels whacked on the head with that life-changing information while you knew the breakup was on the cards for some time.

Don't let them convince you to give them another chance if you're absolutely sure you want to end the relationship.

Avoid responding with: "maybe if...", "if you would only you..."

It would lead to false hope, heart-wrenching discussions, pleas and promises.

Instead of getting trapped in discussions about how your partner might change, repeat calmly as often as necessary: "I know this causes you pain, but I am breaking up with you." 

4. Avoid becoming defensive

Expect your partner's reaction to be emotional and even volatile (particularly if, for example, you've been cheating on them).

Aim to stay as calm as possible. So, avoid shouting, blaming and shaming.

You can respond by saying something like:

"I know this is not what you wanted/expected/had hoped for."

"I know you've been trying hard to..."

"I knew there's no way I could make this less painful for you."

"I'm so sorry to have to do this to you."

"I (totally) understand/see you're distraught/angry/beside yourself/depressed."

"It pains me to have to do this to you/to see you so upset."