How to save a relationship when all seems lost

My effective, action-packed plan to save your relationship

You’re here because you want to know how to save a relationship. I suspect you know or suspect your partner has stopped loving you or they’re cheating on you. Oh, the pain, the pain! I can so understand if you’re feeling devastated, hurt, depressed and perhaps also angry if your relationship is falling apart.

You can even single-handedly save a relationship, but it won’t be easy. Ideally, you’d work with your partner to save your relationship. But if your partner has fallen out of love, it’s on you to do what you can.

Either way, you can be sure your partner might change only when you’ve changed. Therefore, I’d also like you to read How to make your partner fall in love with you again.

So, the focus here is going to be on you. That doesn’t mean I see you as ‘the problem’. I make absolutely no judgements!

I do want you first to consider if your relationship is really worth saving, though. So, follow that link, and read that article before you spend all your energy on a potentially unhealthy relationship!

Why the focus is on you

I completely understand if you’re miffed that my advice encourages you to work on yourself, particularly when you don’t consider yourself the problem.

However, it is the fastest way to save your relationship! It’s also the best way to ensure your personal happiness isn’t entirely dependent on your partner. Here’s why.

You can bend over backwards to try and be the person you think your partner wants you to be. But then what, if they reject you after all? You’ll have done all you can to try to save your relationship, but you’ll have lost yourself in the process.

How to save your relationship starting today

Saving a relationship by becoming the best version of yourself

Perhaps you’ve already tried to change your partner. I suspect you’ve had little success.

Whether you have or haven’t, I urge you now to use your energy to focus on yourself. I’d like you to blossom into the very best version of yourself – happy in your skin and resilient. When you lay your head on the pillow to go to sleep, you’ll want to be content with who you are, what you stand for and what you’ve achieved that day or that week, no matter what.

I encourage you to rise to the challenge – for your own learning and growth. You’ll make a better partner for sure.

When you’re feeling confident, strong and secure, you’ll be much more likely to be able to handle whatever comes your way – including your relationship problems. If your relationship does end, you’ll be in a pretty good position to pick yourself up and dust yourself off, however sad you might feel.

So, let’s get cracking and aim to save your relationship.

Ways to save a relationship

1. You’ve stopped taking care of yourself and your appearance

That is a hard one to answer because ideally, your partner should love you unconditionally, shouldn’t they?

If they’ve accused you of letting yourself go, then I can understand you’d baulk at the notion that you’re unlovable because of your appearance. And maybe you had little time for yourself due to more pressing demands.

Or maybe you’re stressed to the eyeballs, suffering from depression, anxiety or addiction. All of that could lead to you not being the slightest bit interested in taking good care of yourself! (We’ll cover the mental health problems later.)

So, let’s not look at the superficial stuff (clothes, hair, dress sense, etc.) Instead, let’s consider a more helpful angle.

As human beings, we’re much more attracted to people who appear to be vibrant and positive, regardless of their circumstances.

To get a sense of that, cast your mind over your friends, colleagues and family. With whom do you enjoy spending time? Who do you try to avoid – and why?

So, yes, you may have put on weight and grown older. Your time and energy may have been taken up with life’s dramas (I’ve certainly had times like that).

The question is, has that stopped you from remaining serene, forward-looking and solution-focused (save for the time you needed to adjust to a new and perhaps even traumatic situation)?

2. Can you admit to having been nagging and complaining?

You may not even have realised how much your conversations are peppered with negativity.

Perhaps, without consciously realising it, you’ve increasingly succumbed to nagging, constantly carping on about what your partner should and shouldn’t be doing, and just generally being crabby. That troublesome behaviour can even play a role in online relationships also. link

I do understand how easy it is to fall into that trap. However, if you want to know how to save a relationship, stop complaining – it’s a waste of your precious energy.

I can guarantee your negativity will push your partner further away from you. It’s time for a fresh approach.

3. You’ve not taken enough interest in your partner?

It’s all too easy to switch off from whatever your partner’s talking about if you have no interest in the subject and you’ve heard it all before.

Or, maybe you’re stressed with too many other things taking up your time and attention. Or, you’ve spent too much attention on your appearance, work, friends or online activities.

To save your relationship, you must take an interest in their world – their experiences, thoughts and feelings. By doing so, you get to know them on a much deeper level. You’ll understand better what makes them tick.

Remember those early conversations when you first met?

You’ve both changed since then. Every experience, every conversation, every article or book you read, every person you meet, all of these things change you.

4. Have you been too demanding and needy?

If you grab all the attention – for whatever reason – you leave no space for your partner.

They also need to be able to express their feelings, wishes, needs, dreams and experiences and have the time and the freedom to develop themselves. They’re not there for your happiness only.

5. You suffer from pre-existing (mental) health problems

First of all, suffering from a mental health condition does NOT mean you’re not lovable or not worth being loved! You are as individual, beautiful and valuable as any star in the night sky – whatever the problems you might be dealing with.

But, if you’re suffering from depression, anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), or any other mental health challenge, that can have a significant impact on your partner and the health of your relationship.

You’re likely to focus a great deal of your attention on how you’re feeling and your recovery. That might leave little time and attention for your partner.  

Here’s what might be happening (I’ll expand on each of the following scenarios further down):

1. Your partner soon realised after you met that you had some problems – but they were okay with that. They were happy to be your rock and to reassure and help you whenever you were in need.
2. Your partner needed you to have a problem, unbeknown to you and perhaps to them (at least not consciously). I know that may sound odd! But, hiding behind your problem meant they could avoid facing their own insecurities. That dynamic is mostly an unconscious process. For example, your partner might have stepped up as your rock if you suffer from low self-esteem enabling them to hide behind you and deny their own lack of confidence.
3. Your partner has only recently realised you’re facing some challenges and has started withdrawing from you, perhaps because they’ve no idea how to handle the situation. They don’t know how to be around you, lack empathy and patience, and are likely unsure about the long-term consequences.

Scenario 1

For whatever reason, your partner may have thought that your problems weren’t too serious.

They may have expected – rightly or wrongly – that you’d overcome whatever was troubling you. They may have thought your troubles would unlikely significantly impact the relationship.

Perhaps they accepted that it would take time, and your problems were simply part of loving you for better or worse. In any case, they’re likely to have had little real understanding of your particular mental health challenges.

Of course (mental) health problems affect a relationship! And often in ways that can’t be adequately anticipated, particularly when you haven’t been together very long. And certainly not by two people who initially fell madly in love with each other!

However, you’re now worried that you’re about to lose your partner. So, it’s time to act, not only to save your relationship but most of all for your own well-being. That is, if you haven’t already done all you can to deal with your mental health issues.

Scenario 2

Your partner might really benefit from opening up about his feelings and his past, as long as you remember that you’re not their therapist.

Create a safe space for an open and honest conversation. Get to know them better, and ask them gently how they feel about themselves and what life has been like for them.

Try to glean what helping and supporting you means to them.

How do they feel when they’ve saved the day and helped you overcome – or avoid – something difficult or upsetting for you?

Explain how you’ve experienced their support – was it just right, too much or not appropriate at all? 

It may be their emotional struggles have become tangled up with yours, and separating the two might help you both. That’s no mean feat, so I’d encourage you both to get a therapist to help and support you.

Scenario 3

Is your partner lacking in empathy and patience? If so, it might not be worth saving your relationship.

Are they willing to step up to the plate and support you but don’t know how? Then this is your chance to shine.

Firstly, to save your relationship, you might need to make a switch. Instead of ‘just’ struggling with mental health problems, be sure you take positive steps to deal with them. It’s your attitude towards the situation that’s important. Are you being a ‘victim’ or a ‘fighter’ determined to overcome any obstacles?

Secondly, your partner needs information about your issues – facts without emotions. Likely, they’ll also value knowing how you’d want to support them – precisely what they can do to help.

You could share any of the following links with them for detailed information, advice and tips:

• How to help your partner or spouse with anxiety
• How to help your spouse cope with PTSD
• How to help your partner beat depression
• Helping your partner or spouse through the menopause
• How to help your spouse recover from a nervous breakdown
• How to be an (emotionally) supportive partner or spouse
• How to be a better spouse or partner

Take action to make your partner love and want you again

1. Ask yourself really honestly, are you the best that you can be? Have you let yourself go? Have you perhaps allowed yourself to become a victim? If so, write down your values and what you want to achieve. Dare to dream!
2. Invest time in your most important relationships. Remember your role as aunt/uncle, child, friend, colleague, sister/brother – all of these relationships can benefit from quality time and attention – if at all possible. A sense of community is one of our most important essential needs and is vital to our mental stability.
3. Make a list of any chores you’ve been avoiding. Commit to dealing with one every day. Why now? Because it helps enormously to gain a sense of control, and satisfaction, again. You’ll feel better about yourself. And a more resilient you will help to improve your relationship.