How to make someone fall back in love with you

How to make them want you again

I suspect you’re heartbroken en desperate to know how to make someone fall back in love with you to prevent a further relationship breakdown.

So, let me be straight: yes, there’s a chance someone can love you again. However, there’s no guarantee, and it will most definitely take a considerable and sustained effort.

But I suspect you’re totally up for that!

(Just in case: if you’ve landed here searching for how you can back in love – click that link!)

I totally get that if your partner has fallen for someone else, you’d want to win them back. Or, if your partner or spouse has told you they’re no longer in love with you, you’d want to fight to save the relationship.

However, let’s first see if trying to save your relationship is the right way forward.

Deciding if it’s worth making that someone fall back in love with you

2 reasons to choose for a breakup

When it might not be the best idea to make someone fall back in love with you again:

1. Your partner is abusive toward you – physically or emotionally. Hop straight over to my article on how to know you’re in an abusive relationship.
2. You stayed in a relationship with someone who is unavailable.

Are you in a relationship with someone who’s simply unavailable?

Before you give it your all in the hope your partner or spouse, no that success with anyone of the following, may be elusive. Either they’re not ready for a long-lasting relationship – marriage or not. Or perhaps they’re dealing with some ‘baggage’:

• Someone who is already married or in a primary relationship (you’re having an affair).
• Someone with a fear of commitment
• Someone who has only just broken up with someone else (you might be in a rebound relationship)
• A serial cheater (he may be cheating with you)
• Someone with an addiction, be that substance abuse, gambling, adult content or anything else. (You’ll always come second!)
• Someone with severe mental health problems. (You are not their therapist.)

That doesn’t mean they couldn’t make a good partner or spouse – they’re just not ready for a serious relationship.

How to stop feeling overwhelmed

When you no longer feel loved

As human beings, the more emotional we are, the less nuanced our thinking becomes. When we’re very emotional, we become black and white, all-or-nothing thinkers. That’s not great when you need your wits to rebuild your relationship and get that someone to love you again.

To help you calm down and stay focussed:

• Accept that whatever you do, there won’t be an overnight change. And the reality is that you may have to face a breakup after all.
• Calm your mind by walking in nature, meditation, doing yoga, listening to calming music or whatever else usually works for you.
• Use a professionally produced hypnosis audio download (I highly recommend it as it’s so user-friendly, practical and effective).

It’s vital (in life in general) to learn to manage your emotions by soothing yourself. Only then can you devise or follow a plan to make your partner or spouse fall back in love with you or deal with a breakup.

Setting realistic expectations

Can your relationship ever be the same again?

Hop over to my article on how to know you love someone. You’ll discover what you might expect for this stage of your relationship should you get your partner or spouse to fall in love with you again. I’ll be here when you get back.

Can someone fall back in love with you again the way they did in the early days (link opens to a TEDtalk)?

I’m afraid the answer is: most likely not.

That is in part due to the absence of that initial intoxicating euphoria.

But it’s also because the current crisis, whatever that is for you, will have changed everything.

Your feelings of trust, the way you see your partner and your relationship, and your expectations will all be different now.

So, to have any hope of moving on from this current situation, you’ll have to adapt your expectations.

If you take this as a learning opportunity (which I encourage you to do) – the benefits can be huge, though!

In the future, you’ll probably be:

• You’ll ideally have learnt to love yourself first.
• More aware of your needs, wants, and role in maintaining a healthy relationship.
• More cautious and less likely to take someone for granted.
• More attentive to your partner’s essential emotional needs.

While none of these can guarantee a fairytale happy-ever-after, they certainly can make you a better partner.

Great things can happen when you focus on what you want for yourself instead of what you don’t want.

How to make someone love you again

Get in the right frame of mind

To have any chance at all to make someone fall back in love with you again, here’s what it will take:

• The realisation that single-handedly transforming your relationship means taking responsibility for your role in the relationship.
• An acceptance that you can’t change your partner.
• An acceptance that your efforts might not save your relationship, but they will save you!
• A desire to learn, grow and take action.
• A willingness to look for the best in your partner instead of blaming them.
• A willingness to ask for help if necessary.

9 reasons your spouse or partner may have stopped loving you

1. You’ve stopped taking pride and joy in your appearance, or at least not bothered as much as you used to when you first met.
2. You’ve fallen into the trap of constantly nagging and complaining (regardless of the rights or wrongs).
3. You no longer show an interest in your partner’s well-being, work, friends or hobbies.
4. You’ve been too demanding or too needy. If you’re really honest with yourself, it’s been all about you.
5. You’ve been unfaithful. See my article surviving infidelity and staying together.
6. You’ve got a personal problem – your partner perhaps knew and accepted that. But maybe you haven’t been entirely honest about it. Perhaps you promised you’d be okay, work on it, etc., but in truth, you’ve given up on it.
7. You’ve never actually taken the time to understand what’s needed to build a healthy relationship.
8. You’ve lost interest in life in general – you’re just living from day to day. You may or may not be depressed – either way, it’s not helping your relationship.
9. You suffer from (unexplained) mood swings.

How to upgrade your relationship skills

You fell in love and thought you knew what it would take to build a relationship, depending on your attachment history from birth.

Or maybe you just took the plunge without ever giving it some serious thought (I did!).

Now, though, facing a relationship breakdown, you may be shocked, hurt, disappointed, and maybe angry. Your hopes and expectations are dashed.

What you need to know when you want to work on making someone fall back in love

We learn about relationships by experience right from birth.

We can be anywhere on the scale from utterly spoilt and mollycoddled to neglected, abused and abandoned.

We learn about trust, boundaries, giving and receiving, judgement, reliability and accountability, safety and security, the value of our emotions, how to communicate and a whole lot more.

All of these form the bedrock for our intimate couple relationships.

Our experiences form an intricate, unconscious pattern of which we might enter our awareness when we reflect on our thoughts, feelings and behaviour. Or we’re confronted with them when somebody points them out to us.

The key questions now are:

• Have you ever taken the time to reflect on any of the above?
• Have you learned from experiences – in a positive way?
• Have you been able to develop your relationship knowledge and skills as you’ve matured?
• Have you read books and articles on how relationships work?
• Have you talked to a knowledgeable, wise and trustworthy person about your experiences?
• Have you challenged yourself to do better?
• Have you had some counselling/therapy? (easy to get that sorted these days – see my page on online counselling)

Here’s my advice on what to do now if you want your partner or spouse to fall back in love with you.

Take action now

STEP 1

Order a book about relationships online or riffle through your friends’ bookshelves – they might have some gems!

And, of course, keep reading my articles on this site. I make plenty of information freely available to help in your quest for knowledge and personal development.

STEP 2

Reflect daily on your role in everything happening between the two of you. 

Just be curious and judge neither yourself nor your partner. Write it all down.

STEP 3

Imagine 3 alternative ways of reacting to whatever is happening.

Did you get cross when you could have taken the time to listen harder?

Did your partner jump to conclusions without letting you fully explain?

Or did you let something slide even though it made you feel uncomfortable? How could you have challenged your partner in a calm, constructive way?

Feel you’re just surviving from day to day? 

Around 50% of people who are having relationship problems are depressed.

No wonder. However, if you’re just surviving and not building meaning and purpose in your life, you’ve very little to share with your partner.

In a state of depression, you’re also unlikely to have the spare capacity to be genuinely interested in your partner’s life.

To be clear, I’m not talking about being depressed after life-changing events, circumstances or a significant loss. Though these can be sad times and may test you to the limit, they are part and parcel of life.

It’s normal and expected for these to throw a shadow on your life and blacken your moods. Your sadness and low mood will likely disappear with time.

I’m talking about long-term low mood, little interest or enjoyment in anything, and minimal activity other than robotically getting through the day.

Of course, you’d want your partner to take care of and support you if you’re depressed – that’s a reasonable expectation.

However, they would no doubt want to know that, after some time at least, you’re actively working on your recovery.

Hoping and wishing for better times isn’t going to do it, and neither will relying on antidepressants only. You and I know there’s so much more in you!

Take action now

You’ll first have to fall in love with life and yourself again. Only then can you expect your spouse or partner to fall in love with you again (if indeed they’ve stopped loving you).

3 steps to feeling better starting today:

1. Read my article on how to beat depression without medication.
2. Ask your spouse or partner to read How to help your depressed spouse.
3. Get a professionally produced hypnosis audio download and listen to it several times daily. It’s as simple as that. See my page Hypnosis FAQ and downloads.

Do you suffer from (unexplained} mood swings?

It can be hugely trying and tiring to be with a partner or spouse whose mood can change at the drop of a hat. Or their mood changes from one day to the next.

The odd mood swing isn’t abnormal, but suffering from frequent mood swings isn’t right for you or your spouse.

Mood swings can also go hand-in-hand with abuse. See my articles on the signs of emotional abuse and signs of an abusive relationship.

Trying to control your mood isn’t going to cut it as it might be beyond your conscious control, depending on your internal and external state.

Your plan of action to make your partner fall in love with you again

STEP 1

Research if you could be suffering from any of the following:

• Addictions
• Post-traumatic stress
• Anxiety ‘without reason’
• Stressed ‘without reason’
• Build up of stress leading to your being on the verge of a nervous breakdown
• Bipolar disorder
• Anger disorders
• Depression

Mood swings are a symptom – they’re not a disease, and you need not have to put up with them!

Here’s what could be the cause of your mood swings:

• Inflammation
• A leaky gut (yes, really! All kinds of stuff gets in your bloodstream, which can cause havoc in your body)
• Food intolerances or sensitivity (certain grains or dairy, for example)
• Vitamin deficiencies (almost certainly if you’re eating fast foods and drinking soda)
• Side effects of any medication (check the label and research online)
• Brain injury, see my articles on minor brain injuries and your relationship and CTE and your relationship.

Hormonal changes can also cause mood swings. Here’s what to consider:

• The contraceptive pill or UTI
• Premenstrual symptoms, so mood swings around the time of your period are not unusual
• The menopause
• Pregnancy
• Blood sugar imbalances (when you’re hungry or have diabetes, for example)
• Thyroid problems

STEP 2

I highly recommend you consider personal therapy, though I understand if that’s simply not possible for any reason.

In that case, I’d like you to consider getting a professionally produced hypnosis audio download and listening to it daily.

STEP 3

Own the problem, explain it to your partner, apologise and let them see you’re making some positive changes. And help your spouse to understand.

Here’s a list of articles to share with them:

• How to help your partner or spouse with anxiety
• How to help your spouse cope with PTSD
• How to help your partner beat depression
• Helping your partner or spouse through the menopause
• How to help your spouse recover from a nervous breakdown
• How to be an (emotionally) supportive partner or spouse
• How to be a better spouse or partner

To learn more about all this and how to balance your mood within a month, visit Dr Kelly Brogan’s website. Just type mood swings in the search box.