How to help a depressed wife, husband or partner

How to help a depressed spouse or partner

I’m chuffed you’ve landed here to discover how to help your partner or spouse with depression.

I can think of two reasons:

• Your partner or spouse has already been diagnosed with mild, medium or severe depression, or
• You suspect they’re depressed as you probably can’t think of any other reason for their behaviour.

Living with someone with depression isn’t easy, so I’m not here to just help you with your depressed spouse or partner. I also want to support you.

If you’re already sure your spouse has depression, you might be tempted to skip the section on what to do to help your spouse. However, I’d like you to pay attention to it because it may help you pinpoint what has caused your partner’s depression.

What is depression?

I recommend reading the World Health Organisation’s short and excellent article about depression (opens in a new tab). You’ll be able to offer much better support if you know and understand what depression is.

Depression explained differently

I’ll explain depression simply with a twist you’ll only read on sites from other Human Given Therapists.

Here goes…

Imagine yourself completely engrossed in a book, a film, a challenging problem you’re trying to solve or a video game. You’re so absorbed you’re completely unaware of anything around you. Your spouse might complain you’re off the planet. Indeed you’re transported to where ever the book, the film or the game transports you.

Now replace the book, the game or film with depression – it’s all there is for that person at that time. They spend much of their time in that hypnotic state and often seem completely unreachable.

Let’s now look at how you can deal with a depressed spouse who may appear lost in their own world.

What to do when your spouse is depressed

The cause of your partner’s change in behaviour

Let’s look at what might have caused your spouse’s change in mood and behaviour.

13 potential causes of your spouse’s depression

1. Medication – beta-blockers, steroids, the contraceptive pill, hormone replacement therapy, epilepsy drugs, allergy meds, anti-anxiety medication, anti-cancer drugs and more. So, it’s well worth checking!
2. Past or recent psychological trauma.
3. Childhood adversity – abuse, poverty, abandonment, dysfunction in the family, severe illness, trauma.
4. Trouble at work – reorganisation, failed promotion, constant criticism, dismissal or redundancy, abuse, bullying.
5. Financial problems – spending on addiction, secret credit card debts, or money problems are known to you also.
6. Addictions – to adult material, alcohol or other addictions
7. Menopause
8. Midlife crisis
9. Being bored with life
10. Severe or chronic health problems
11. Burnout (nervous breakdown) – due to the pressures of work (particularly in high-risk jobs such as, for example, the emergency services) or caring for sick or elderly loved ones.
12. Anxiety – goes hand-in-hand with depression.
13. Grief – they haven’t got over the loss of a loved one or something else significant in their lives, while you think they should have got over that by now.

Regarding the latter – if your spouse is grieving, be sure not to jump to conclusions. Grieving for the loss of a significant other or factor (mobility, financial security, eyesight, hearing, job, house, health, etc.) is a normal reaction and may take months or even years.

The cause of depression is often due to a combination of factors, potentially including relationship problems.

The cause of your spouse’s depression may be due to your relationship

Not infrequently, a spouse is depressed due to:

1. Being bored – in your relationship
2. Infidelity
3. Other relationship problems.

The underlying problem is almost always due to a disbalance in essential emotional needs. So, you’ll have to be a Sherlock to figure it out.

I suspect you’ve told your spouse or partner you’re worried about them. But depending on the state of your relationship, they may not have taken the slightest bit of notion.

So, here are three tips to help you get through to your depressed spouse.

What to do when you’re spouse or partner is depressed

How to help your spouse with depression – your action plan

1. Read my article on how to stop constant arguing for the best tips on how to have a challenging conversation.
2. Read my article How to be an emotionally supportive spouse.
3. Go for a walk together if you can – walking and talking is for many men easier (sorry about the generalisation) or create a pleasant, undisturbed ambience at home for a quiet conversation.
4. Be clear about how you feel – without blaming them – and turn any complaints or worries into a wish. State what you’re noticing (facts!), be open about how you’re feeling and ask for cooperation.

What not to say to someone who’s depressed

“It’s about time you got better.”
That sounds terribly critical, particularly to someone who’s already depressed.

“You should look at things on the bright side.” and “Pull yourself together.”
Showing a lack of understanding and devoid of empathy.

“At least you’ve got [this, that and the other].” Or “At least you haven’t got [this, that and the other].”
What someone has or doesn’t have makes no difference when they’re in that depressed trance state.

“I’m getting fed up with your whining.”
That shows a lack of empathy, patience and understanding. Possibly you, too, are at the end of your tether.

“Isn’t it time you did [this, that and the other]
That sounds very critical. However, I understand! Supporting someone with depression can be hugely draining.

“You should think yourself lucky that you…”
Your depressed spouse may well be aware that they ought to feel lucky, but they simply can’t while in the clutches of that depression.

“It’s all between your ears.”
They may or may not be aware or agree, but they don’t know how to deal with depression.

“It can’t be that bad!”
When you’re depressed, everything looks that much darker. It may not look so bad to you, but that’s neither here nor there.

“You should have done what I told you to do, then we wouldn’t have this…”
Highly critical and unhelpful, particularly to someone who’s already feeling vulnerable.

You may not get to the crux of the matter in that one conversation. Don’t despair. Stay patient, kind and considerate and leave the door open. You’re building trust by remaining non-judgemental, calm and available.

Here’s what to do when your spouse or partner suffers from depression.

How to help your spouse with depression

The influence of lifestyle on depression

Here’s where you can make a significant difference. As human beings, we feel at our best when our essential emotional needs are met in balance. Our most important emotional needs are:

• A sense of volition and control – a feeling that we have an impact on our family, our immediate or extended environment and our wellbeing
• A sense of belonging – being part of a community
• A need for friendship, fun and laughter
• A need for intimacy
• A need for a sense of security 
• Meaning at purpose – a feeling that your life is worthwhile, that your existence and contribution matter.

You can see how those needs might have become out of balance if, for example, the two of you are already on the brink of divorce.

Your plan of action

Find out which emotional needs (not wants!) are not met for each of you. Yes, your needs are also important! Decide what you might want to do about that – as a couple and as individuals. 

Here’s a free worksheet to help you and your depressed spouse…

How to deal with a depressed spouse or partner

Here’s how to help a depressed spouse.

10 tips to help your spouse with depression

1. Let them know you’re there for them on a bad day as much as on a good day.
2. Show a genuine interest in what makes them feel better or worse instead of routinely and dispassionately asking how they are.
3. Instead of thinking for them and trying to fix things, ask for what they need. “What can I do right now that would make a difference – however small?”
4. Ask them to turn a complaint into a wish: “I hear/notice that’s really irritated you. What would you like to see happening? How can I help?” Be aware of your tone of voice, though.
5. Remind them of your love for them, particularly when they don’t look, behave or feel their best (yep, that might be tough, particularly with regards to their behaviour!)
6. Consciously acknowledge the positives by expanding on them to get them to sink in. Our brain has a negativity bias and trouble seeing and remembering positive experiences.
7. Offer to join your partner for appointments – if they want. Be an extra pair of ears. Say what the situation looks like from your perspective if given the opportunity.
8. Wipe away the tears, listen, hold, hug, warm, cool, hydrate, dress, wash, massage, soothe, etc
9. Take over tasks and chores your partner doesn’t have the energy for right now. Though, over time get them to join in again and share.
10. Separate the depression from the person – consider if your more typical, healthy partner or spouse is talking, doing or feeling, or if it’s their depressed self.

If you have children

• If you have children, be sure to arrange for quality time for just the two of you.
• Get your spouse to compromise and contribute to family life when they spend a ton of time by themselves.
• If there are parenting issues, contact a parenting coach if possible. Out-of-control children are a huge drain on both your resources.

Be prepared to offer practical and emotional support

Here’s the short version of how you can help your depressed spouse:

1. Hug, hold, kiss, reassure, inspire, comfort, give confidence, help with chores, and be kind and understanding.
2. Encourage and help with new activities, everyday tasks, problem-solving and stress management.
3. Help them divert their attention when they’re ruminating (going over and over the same negative thinking pattern).

See also: Symptoms of depression in men, The link between alcohol and depression and The best treatment for severe depression.

What to say to your depressed spouse or partner

5 things to say to your depressed partner 

Change the following sentences to something that sounds more natural to you. You could write them down on sticky notes or cards and leave them in unexpected places.

• “I’m here for you. I can see how you’re struggling, but I suspect I don’t know half of it.”
• “You’re ill right now. Know that I’m not judging you – you’re safe with me.”
• “I love you. It doesn’t matter how you look, dress or feel right now – I know it’s that depression directing operations. I won’t stop loving you.”
• “We’ll get through this together.”
• “You will recover, even if you don’t feel like that right now. This too will pass.”

How long does depression last?

Depression consists of psychological (the mind and emotions), biological (the body) and social (the environment and human connections) aspects.

Depression, without treatment, will run its course, and for most people, it will pass within a few months to a year.

Sadly, others suffer repeated episodes of depression or remain reliant on antidepressant medication and still don’t feel well.

Your partner or spouse will really benefit from professional help.

Ideally, this would be a talking therapy instead of antidepressants. See my article on how to beat depression without medication.

What to do when your spouse refuses to get help for their depression

Many depressed people don’t want help or are scared that counselling or therapy might make matters worse.

So, here’s how you can motivate and encourage your spouse to access professional help:

• Research ways to access counselling (see my article on getting the right psychological support)
• Make only the occasional suggestion of what you think might help, but avoid nagging them and telling them what they should or shouldn’t be doing.
• Don’t expect them, for example, to turn to alternative medicine if they completely trust their doctor or vice versa.
• Help find out how they might be able to finance counselling through insurance or private means (see also How to get the best relationship advice for further suggestions), failing that…
• Find free help forums, but be sure first to read my article on 6 useful sources of depression help online.
• Ensure there’s someone to mind your children, if necessary, during their therapy.
• Above all, reassure them that getting professional help for depression is a sign of strength. After all, you’d be looking for an expert with all sorts of practical or physical problems, so why not for emotional/mental issues?

If and when your spouse or partner agrees to access help, be sure not to criticise whichever type of treatment they’ve chosen – regardless of your views!

How to live with a depressed spouse

Looking after yourself!

It’s not easy supporting and living with someone with depression. So, I understand completely if you’ve searched for ‘How to live with a depressed spouse’!

Why?

Because a depressed spouse may well blame you, be mean and angry with you or even be emotionally abusive. They may even suddenly leave without any explanation while you have to pick up the pieces.

So, it would be no surprise if you’re also feeling depressed!

It’s super-important, therefore, for you to take care of your own wellbeing. Aim to meet your essential emotional needs in balance as much as you can (as mentioned above).

Here’s what I’d like you to do for yourself when you live with a depressed spouse.

7 ways to help you cope with a depressed spouse

1. Take time out to spend with family and friends, read, walk, or whatever helps you to feel better.
2. Tell your spouse when you are tired or stressed so they know what’s causing you to be less than supportive.
3. Choose a hypnosis audio download for yourself to help you switch off and relax. The Hypnosis Download team has developed two audio downloads, especially for the spouse of a depressed person.
4. Talk to a trusted individual, such as a licensed or registered therapist or a valued friend. It will help you get things off your chest and get advice on dealing with a depressed spouse.
5. Remind yourself that you cannot fix your spouse. You can support them. Know that your support will make a big difference in their recovery.
6. Remind yourself that you’re responsible for your own happiness (like your spouse is for their wellbeing and happiness).
7. You’re entitled to your feelings. Aim to increase your self-awareness. Look for ways to soothe and comfort yourself.

Finally

I’m so glad you’re interested in finding out how to help your depressed spouse. I hope I’ve been able to convince you also that you need to look after yourself too.

Remember that this period will pass and that you’re much stronger than you might think. There’s every chance you’ll come out of this period more knowledgeable, wiser, compassionate, stronger and closer together. I’m rooting for both your happiness!