How to fix a broken marriage

11 action plans to mend a marriage that’s falling apart

You’re here, doubtless, under difficult circumstances – you want to know how to fix a broken marriage. I suspect you’re feeling hurt, depressed and perhaps heartbroken, desperate to know how to repair your marriage.

I only know too well, from professional as well as personal experience, how scary it can feel when your marriage is falling apart.

I’ll assume, therefore, you’re prepared to do all you can to save your marriage.

Let’s get cracking.

First of all, we need to take stock of why you need to fix your marriage before we can devise some action plans.

Without first understanding the problem, there’s no way of knowing how to fix your marriage.

Here’s how I’d like you to prepare yourself before we start to make sure you’re open and receptive to looking at your situation in new ways:

1. Start with trusting that change is possible.
2. Get yourself a (non-alcoholic) drink, kick your shoes off and give yourself a good stretch to relax any stress-induced tightness in your muscles.
3. Take a few deep breaths – in through your nose, out through your mouth. Breathe out nice and slow. This kind of breathing helps to calm your emotions and frees up the logical part of your brain. You’re going to need that!
4. Get ready with pen and paper (that works better than the digital option in this case). 

Now, you and I will take stock of what is happening. It won’t be easy. So, monitor yourself and take a break if you feel the tension rising.

How to fix a broken marriage by taking immediate action

I will provide you with an action plan for each problem. You’ll need your judgment on whether or not the strategies and methods will likely work in your situation. 

Is there still time to fix your marriage if your spouse has already stated that “it’s over.”?

There may be time to repair your marriage. But, you’ll need to choose your action plans carefully. You don’t want to ‘overdo’ things when your spouse clearly wants space.

Don’t be put off too quickly, though. Keep moving forward by challenging yourself instead of wasting precious time blaming your spouse. Apportioning blame, however understandable, won’t help you fix and save your marriage.

Questions to answer when you want to fix your marriage

1. How long have you been having problems?

This question requires you to do a little soul-searching.

It can be challenging to face up to how long you’ve been having problems because, in truth, it’s probably longer than you’ve been willing even to admit to yourself.

Your action plan to begin fixing your marriage

Write down:

Write down:

1. When you first began to have doubts.
2. When you first told your spouse you weren’t happy or when your spouse mentioned they were unhappy.
3. How many times have you complained about the same things, and how often did your spouse.

The answers to these questions give you a basic structure of the extent of your problems over time.

If you haven’t talked to your spouse about your problems, read on.

2. What precisely needs fixing in your relationship?

Is your marriage falling apart due to a lack of communication or a poor intimate relationship? Have you grown apart or have either of you been unfaithful?

Your action plan to stop your marriage falling apart

1. Write down precisely what’s wrong about your marriage that you want to fix.
2. Hop over to my page with 25 short- and long-term relationship problems and find the links to the articles that speak to you. Read them intently and take action.
3. Write down what you’re prepared to commit to with a date in a week, a month and three months when you’ll hold yourself accountable.
4. What will you have done by that time to fix your marriage?

3. What have you done so far to be the best possible spouse anyone would want?

Have you made an effort to find out how to be the best possible spouse?

Do you know how to be an (emotionally) supportive spouse?

Have you spent time learning all you can about your spouse (beyond the early days)?

Do you know what your spouse’s hopes and dreams are?

4. How does your spouse know you love them?

They won’t know unless you tell them, treat them with care and consideration, and give generously of your time and attention.

You don’t always need to make big gestures (though once in a while is great, of course). Do the things I mention below and other articles I’ve linked on this page, in small doses – every day.

Of course, you’d like your partner to do the same. If you feel they’ve been lacking and you haven’t – in your opinion – you may need to consider your options seriously. More on that later.

Your action plan to fix your broken marriage

1. Write down some ideas on how you can give your spouse some special attention. See my page on writing the best love quotes and thank you notes.
2. Devise three ways you can leave a note with the words: “You’re amazing.” so they can happen to find them.
3. Help them with whatever chore they’re doing. Listen to your spouse – hear them out (see my article on how to stop fighting all the time). Spend time with them doing ordinary things.

Also, read This one thing is the biggest predictor of divorce (opens in a new tab).

5. Have you treated your husband or wife with respect?

You need not be beating each other up to have a less than respectful relationship. So, don’t be put off by the titles of the following suggestions.

How to fix a marriage when you’ve been abusive

1. Read my articles Signs of emotional abuse and Signs of an abusive relationship. Just go through the lists in those articles to discover if there are any points you can improve on.
2. Write down your action points.
3. Set dates by which you will hold yourself accountable.

6. Have you broken your spouse’s trust?

With that, I mean – have you been unfaithful?

The good news is that you can potentially mend your marriage. Hop straight over to The complete guide to surviving infidelity.

7. Have you been ‘selfish’ in other ways?

Have you given generously of your time and energy, or have you looked more to satisfying your own needs and wants?

Have you kept your promises or opted all too often to please yourself?

Or, conversely, have you given so much that you’ve overstepped your boundaries, for example, with an attention-seeking spouse?

Your action plan

1. Read my article 24 healthy relationship tips.
2. Choose three tips from that article you will begin to implement today to improve the quality of your marriage immediately.
3. After a week, a month and three months of doing so daily, make notes of any changes.

8. Have you complained endlessly without seeing any improvement?

The use of communication spoilers will cause your spouse to shut their ears immediately, spoiling any attempt to repair your marriage.

Think of pointing the finger, accusing, making assumptions, name-calling, stone-walling, judging, wanting to be right, etc.

In addition, using the silent treatment, eye-rolling, and other indirect ways to show your displeasure will achieve only the opposite of what you want.

Your action plan to fix a broken marriage

1. Read my articles on how to argue better and emotional abuse to learn what communication spoilers are and how to avoid them.
2. Instead of using communication spoilers, focus on what goes well to fix a marriage. Show your spouse how grateful you are for what they do contribute to the marriage.
3. Turn your complaints into wishes. For example, you might say, “I would so love it/appreciate it if you would/could…. How can I help with that?”

9. What have you done so far to repair your marriage?

Have you sat down with your partner and listened intently to them, without interrupting, to find out what’s bothering them?

Then you’re to be congratulated for taking responsibility for fixing your marriage.

Or have you only strived to defend yourself in conversations about your relationship? In other words, you’ve not (yet) taken responsibility for your role in your marital problems. 

Have you been to counselling for your marriage problems?

If not, why not? Why would you not want to go, particularly if your spouse has suggested it once or twice? You can imagine what my advice would be as a couples counsellor!

10. Could you be hedging your bets?

With that, I mean, part of you wants to fix things, but the other part is already looking for alternative arrangements.

That’s not being committed to working on your marriage, dealing with issues head-on, compromising where necessary and accepting what cannot be improved.

Your action plan to fix your marriage

You’ll have to commit to fixing your marriage – no half measures here.

So, if you’re not sure you want to stay married, take my relationship test now to discover how likely your efforts in saving your marriage will be successful.

If there’s little hope of fixing your marriage and saving it, you may need to take a look at the complete guide to breaking up.

11. What would you consider the best parts of your marriage?

What are you good at together?
What have you achieved together?
What problems have you overcome together?
What personal characteristics have made, in the past, the two of you into a great team?

Your action plan

1. Using the above questions, make a list of all the reasons the two of you make a great couple.
2. Read my articles:
   How to ‘make’ someone love you again
   How to save a marriage on the brink of divorce
   How to fix these 18 common marital problems.

So, there you are! I hope you see now plenty of ways to fix your marriage.

Let it all sink in overnight. Then pick up your pen and paper again tomorrow and write down what you can do that day, that week and that month and commit to doing it whole-heartedly.

I suspect you’d love me to guarantee that all will be well, but deep down, you’ll know I can’t do that.

I’ve set out to give you a roadmap, though. How and where you drive is ultimately your responsibility.

Therefore, I have another aid to ensure you have the best chance to transform your relationship.