What to expect from marriage counselling or couples therapy

What happens in marriage counselling or couples therapy?

When you’ve landed here, wanting to know what you can expect in marriage counselling, you’re doubtless going through a really tough time.

As a (retired) couples therapist, I only understand too well what that means.

Chance is you’re feeling devastated – heartbroken because of a relationship crisis. Or perhaps one of you has realised your relationship with the person who once was the light of your life is breaking down. Maybe even to the point of no return.

I’m so glad you’re considering couples therapy, or perhaps you’ve already made an appointment, and now you want to know what happens in couples or marriage counselling.

Please, don’t forget to share this article about relationship counselling with your partner or spouse!

(Please note: I write in British English (see my About page), so counselling is spelt with double ‘l’; in US English, it’s spelt: counseling)

What you should expect from couples therapy or relationship counselling

You’ll rightly expect to work with a properly trained, insured, registered or licensed therapist.

Unfortunately, some therapists offer couple or marriage counselling based on their training in working with individuals and maybe some extra courses in couples therapy.

Couples therapy, however, is very different.

Also unfortunate is that I cannot make any recommendations as the necessary training and requirements for a therapist to be registered or licensed as a marriage counsellor or couples therapist differs in every country.

Therefore, your first step to getting the best couples counselling is to do some research!

What happens in couple counselling

What you should absolutely expect

It goes without saying that during relationship counselling, you should feel at ease with your counsellor after the initial nervousness has waned.

You should feel heard, taken seriously and respected, and trust your therapist has your and your partner’s best interest at heart. But you’d also want to know that they will challenge you both and encourage you to step up to the plate and become a better spouse or partner.

If any of that is missing at your first session – don’t give up on therapy but change to another therapist.

Whether you’ve connected with a therapist online or are seeing them ‘for real’, your first session will help you figure out if you’ve made the right choice.

Read on to learn what else you can expect in marriage counselling.

What to expect in marriage counselling at your first session

Here’s a list of things you should know after the first session:

1. Whether you feel comfortable with your therapist and likely to trust them enough to share intimate details with them
2. Whether the counsellor has had sufficient training and experience in couples therapy (short courses, etc., won’t cut it, they need to be fully qualified couples therapists!)
3. Cancellation policy and fees
4. The flexibility of timing and frequency of sessions
5. If the counsellor generally does short- or long-term work
6. How many sessions can you have if they are externally funded
7. Frequency and length of further sessions
8. Whether you can (or should) have some separate sessions.

If something doesn’t feel right, you don’t have to stick with the first counsellor you choose. The professional relationship you develop is the most important factor in a successful outcome. And a good therapist won’t be offended if you say they’re not the right fit for you.

Your therapist will also determine during your first session if they can give you what you need.

What to expect your therapist will ask at the first session

Here’s what your counsellor might expect at your first session to assess what’s going on for you and if they are the best person to help you.

Your counsellor or therapist may:

• Ask for your address and/or telephone number.
• Want the telephone number of someone they can contact in case of an emergency – yours or theirs. That is, if your partner isn’t involved, or you wouldn’t want them to contact your partner or spouse.
• Want the contact details from your family doctor or, if you’re in treatment, the name and contact details of your consultant (whom they’ll only contact in case of emergency) or for clarification about your medical history – with your permission.
• Ask you to fill in some assessment forms to help see if you’re suffering from depression or anxiety, for example.

Your counsellor will:

• Want to know who they can contact in an emergency – yours or theirs.
• Ask you to agree to the confidentiality clause (counselling or therapy is confidential, but there may be a couple of conditions related to harm).
• Ask you what you would like help with
• Want to know your thoughts and feelings about the problems
• Ask you about your family and childhood (maybe for later sessions)
• Ask about your relationship history (also possibly later).
• Explain to you how they work and the plan for so far as they can see now.

15 things to expect from marriage counselling

How couples therapy works

Your therapist will encourage and support you each to:

1.  Explain your hopes, dreams and concerns uninterrupted and in your own time and in your own words
2. Get to know and understand yourself better.
3. Get to know and understand each other better – one of the most significant benefits of couple counselling as it leads to fewer unnecessary arguments.
4. Manage your differences of opinion
5. Enhance both your communication skills
6. Explore whether there’s still hope, and increase hope that you’ll make it through if that is what you both want.
7. Learn effective problem-solving strategies.
8. Identify your wants and needs and how to incorporate those into your relationship goals.
9. Identify what works well in your marriage or relationship to build on the positives.
10. Come to terms with, heal and move on when dealing with infidelity.
11. Process and move on from the disappointments, hurts and anger, such as affairs, life-changing events, significant losses, problems with children, etc.
12. Identify each of your personal innate and acquired resources and learn how to utilise these to your advantage.
13. Identify your resources as a couple and how to utilise them effectively.
14. Explore the potential impact of a breakup – positive and negative.
15. Cope with and manage your losses if it’s your (not your therapist’s) decision to separate.
16. Increase emotional and physical intimacy. link

A couples counsellor knows that often one of the partners is coming along to the sessions reluctantly (maybe even both!). Most couples are somewhat anxious about what might happen in couple counselling, not knowing what to expect and worried about the counsellor or therapist judging them.

However, a good therapist will make every effort to help you both feel at ease. If one of you is a ‘talker’ and the other finds it difficult to get a word in or finds it difficult to find the words to explain themselves – don’t worry! Your therapist knows how to handle that.

Of course, if you or your spouse is having an affair, it’s no wonder you might be worried about what might happen during marriage counselling. Will or won’t you be able to keep it a secret?

It might be helpful to know what an experienced counsellor will sense when there’s important information missing, but they won’t be able to read minds!

What not to expect from marriage counselling

You might have been tempted to ‘send’ your partner for counselling. However, perhaps you’ve opted to go with your partner, hoping the therapist would ‘sort them out’.

‘Sending’ someone for counselling seldom works – you both need to go for counselling by choice and as equals however reluctantly.

Also, you’ll find that a well-trained therapist won’t get ‘on your side’. They know how important it is to mind both of you equally.

So, here’s what not to expect:

• Advice to end your relationship without you having come to that conclusion yourself (though your counsellor will discuss your options with you, particularly if you’re in an abusive relationship)
• An opinion on your partner in terms of ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
• Destructive criticism about behaviours, actions and opinions
• Your counsellor taking your side and making every effort to change your partner. Your partner or spouse (or you, for that matter) will only change when they see it will contribute to their happiness and a better relationship!

Now you know what to expect from marriage counselling or couples therapy

If you and your partner or spouse agree that you need counselling right now, you can seize the moment and get started immediately (direct link to Online-Therapy, opening in a new tab).

Online relationship counselling can make accessing the support and guidance you need really easy.

Your partner or spouse won’t go for couples counselling

Often one of the partners doesn’t want to go for couple counselling – for whatever reason. Very often, it’s the male partner.

If you think couples or marriage counselling would help, but your partner won’t go, you can start counselling by yourself. Your partner may decide to join you at a later stage.

There are many reasons people don’t like the idea of counselling – let alone relationship counselling.

However, you can turn the tide all by yourself. If your partner or spouse seems to have lost the will to work on your relationship, your efforts, supported by your relationship therapist, can make all the difference.

A couples therapist can still help you without judging either of you. You can expect your therapist to remain aware of ‘the empty seat’ and super-conscious of how your partner or spouse may interpret what’s happening at home and in the counselling room.

Going alone for marriage or relationship counselling can help you to:

• Consider and manage the effects of changes in you, your circumstances and decisions on your partner or spouse.
• Explore the role you might play in your relationship problems – without judgement.
• Explore your options in terms of your future.
• Enhance your communication skills if necessary.
• Identify and deal with any personal and joint issues that stand in the way of your (and your partner’s) happiness.
• Get support from someone entirely independent if you or your partner or spouse should decide it’s time to break up.

So, you can see that even though you arrive at your sessions without your partner or spouse, the focus is still couples therapy or marriage counselling.

Taking responsibility for ‘personal stuff’

You may have been trying to pretend for years that you’re over those emotional problems! However, deep down, you know they are still there.

Just think how much better you could be feeling if you finally dealt with all that ‘stuff’ – traumas and difficulties from the past. It could release emotional and physical energy that you could re-invest in other areas of your life – including your marriage or relationship.

In couples counselling, your therapist and your partner (if they’re in counselling also) are both there to help you increase your awareness of how that ‘old stuff’ is affecting your relationship and offer support.

Accessing online marriage counselling is easy

If you’re ready to start, you can connect with an online couples or marriage therapist (opens my article helping you feel more confident about accessing counselling).

Give yourself, your partner and your relationship the benefit of the doubt – get couples counselling. Too many couples make the life-changing decision to separate without making much effort to figure out what went wrong. Too many leave it too late to seek help from a marriage counsellor or couples therapist.

What to expect when you want to end marriage counselling

Knowing when and how to stop therapy can be challenging.

If you have developed a good relationship, you’ll probably feel comfortable enough to discuss ending the sessions with your therapist.

It could happen that your partner or spouse has checked out before you’re ready to do so.

However, if you’re finding it difficult to talk to your counsellor about stopping therapy, the following might help.

7 questions you might want to ask yourself if you’re thinking of stopping therapy:

1. How difficult is it to bring up the subject of ending therapy, and why?
2. Have you told your therapist you wanted to stop therapy, but they were resisting and on what grounds?
3. What might that say about the relationship with your therapist?
4. Is therapy making a noticeable difference?
5. Did you and your therapist or counsellor decide on a specific number of sessions at the start of therapy?
6. Might you have reached a difficult stage in therapy, making it feel scary to continue? Have you talked that through with your counsellor?
7. Do you feel angry with your counsellor or therapist for any reason? If so, have you been able to tell them how you feel?

Being aware of what’s prompting you to want to stop therapy will help you discuss it with your therapist.

If you want to discuss it with someone independent, it might help to get advice from the professional organisation to which your therapist belongs.

What if you’ve decided against marriage counselling or couples therapy?

Read on to learn how you can make a difference all by yourselves.

Alternatives to getting marriage or couples therapy

• Watch this video from the University of Rochester to discover how watching movies about long-term relationships can cut the divorce rate by half. Did you notice the advice to talk about your relationship after watching the movie together?
• Download my free Communication Tools for Couples bundle. link
• Read the following articles, which are chockful of detailed information, relationship advice and tips: 24 healthy relationship tips, How to save your marriage from divorce, How to be a better spouse or partner, Love quotes, and Thank You messages.

Finally

A couples counsellor should be happy to discuss with you, at first contact, what you can expect in marriage guidance or couples counselling.

However, be aware that they may not want to have a lengthy conversation with you about your relationship problems. They’ll want you both to have an equal chance to tell your side of the problem.

I know you’re going through a really tough time. Just remember, you’re far stronger and more resilient than you probably give yourself credit for – you’ve got this. I’m rooting for your happiness.

Other helpful links

University of Rochester – Divorce Rate Cut in Half
International Association for Relationship Research