Discover how to cope with an attention-seeking partner or spouse

What to do when you’re in a relationship with an ‘attention-seeker’

Trying to cope with and deal with an attention-seeking partner or spouse can be super-annoying. So, I get your search to discover how to cope with that attention-seeking behaviour.

I’m a (semi-retired) relationship therapist with 24 years of experience. As you can imagine, I’ve had quite a few attention-seeking men and women in my counselling room over the years.

Take your pick to find out how to deal with your spouse or partner’s behaviour.

We’ll look at it might be affecting you, the family and your relationship. And of course, I’ll talk about what you can do about the problem.

Be prepared for some unexpected twists and turns in dealing with the situation.

Let’s start by looking at what might have annoyed you about your partner.

(By the way, I don’t like the label ‘attention-seeker’, so I won’t use it any further. Your partner or spouse is so much more than that, even if you – perhaps – have lost sight of that.)

What is attention-seeking behaviour?

Why do people want or even crave attention?

And what is ‘too much attention’?

Giving and receiving attention in balance is a human given – an inborn emotional need (not a want!) we all share.

Without it, we’d become mentally and even physically ill. So, naturally, we all seek attention.

Consider for a moment how you get through the day. How many interactions do you share with other people when even shopping involves giving and receiving attention?

What happens when you don’t see anybody for a day or even longer (as probably happened to most of us during covid lockdowns)?

Getting attention from others, being noticed, admired, appreciated, taken seriously, praised, loved, needed and validated feels rewarding. That’s why people want, need and even crave attention.

Being able to give healthy attention is an equally important innate need.

Here’s a free worksheet for you to discover if all your, or your partner’s essential emotional needs are being met in balance:

However, seeking attention can seriously go awry, damaging relationships when it’s not balanced with giving healthy attention.

But before we look deeper into your partner’s behaviour – just in case and without any judgement…

Is your partner vying for too much attention from other women or men, or might you be jealous?

Could you be jealous of the attention your partner is getting in social situations? If your spouse or partner constantly looks for attention from other women or men (or anyone on the gender spectrum), I totally get it you feel jealous.

• Are you feeling unloved and neglected?
• Are you not feeling noticed, admired, appreciated or taken seriously – by your partner or spouse and other people?
• Do childhood traumas still affect you today?
• Has either one of you cheated in this or a previous relationship?
• Are you worried your partner or spouse is on the lookout for an affair partner?

Both problems – your partner’s over-the-top need for attention and you’re perhaps feeling insecure and even jealous – may well happen simultaneously.

However, only by taking responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts and behaviours can you begin to separate your role from that of your partner.

Perhaps it’s not what you wanted to hear – I get that.

However, I wouldn’t be doing my job in helping you the best I can as a relationship therapist if I didn’t bring your role into the discussion.

Remember, though, I’ve got your back – there’s no judgment or blame!

Your partner or spouse is constantly seeking attention from you

Here’s what might be happening. Your partner:

• Talks about themselves all the time – every conversation about something else turns into one about them – their feelings, thoughts and behaviours.
• May repeatedly forget dates meaningful to you.
• Considers their friends, social occasions, family and pastimes more important than yours.
• Constantly pushes to have their needs met while ignoring yours.

No wonder you’d find this behaviour selfish. So what might be going on?

First off, if you recognise the above points, know that they are your interpretations of your partner’s behaviour. Someone else in your position might not see the problem or in the least bit bothered.

Of course, you may well be right, but it doesn’t hurt to increase your self-awareness.

Self-awareness is essential when dealing with all sorts of problems in your relationship.

After all, we can only control our own thoughts, feelings and behaviour. We have no hope of controlling those of our loved ones, though we may well be able to influence them by changing our own behaviour. 

So, could it be that:

• Your partner or spouse has to fight for attention because your needs would often come first if they didn’t.
• You haven’t discussed your relationship expectations, including your needs and wants, in depth.

Take some time to consider your role first, then think a little more about what might be going on for your attention-seeking partner.

For example, they may (not yet) possess some crucial relationship skills…

• They might not have learned to share.
• Their parents may have indulged them, giving them what they wanted when they demanded it.
• Conversely, they may have been neglected as a child and are now at the behest of deeply buried feelings. Those that drive them to get the love, validation and attention they never had as a child.

This is when the pressure is on for you to provide what has been missing for them when they were babes. Yet, they’re probably barely aware of the dynamics.

How to cope with your partner constantly looking for validation from you

Your spouse or partner constantly wants you to tell them that they’re beautiful and the love of your life. They too often fish for compliments.

What could motivate this kind of attention-seeking behaviour in a relationship?

Almost certainly, your partner is suffering from low self-esteem. Perhaps they were neglected as a child, chastised, made to feel ‘bad’, or bullied by their parents, sibling and/or peers. They may have got in with the wrong crowd or have had abusive boyfriends or girlfriends.

In other words, they’re likely to have had no attention or the wrong kind of attention.

It’s no wonder that they tend to seek too much attention in a close couple relationship.

Unfortunately, you may have coped with their attention-seeking behaviour by turning away, pushing away or avoiding them. You would, inadvertently, have made your partner even more anxious, which is likely to have increased their behaviour.

How to cope with attention-seeking from others while in a relationship

So, your partner is looking at other women/men/people for validation. That could feel very threatening to the health of your relationship. Particularly if you’re already feeling jealous and/or the two of you don’t feel so close right now as you might have wanted.

If your partner is flirting with others in social settings, you might feel embarrassed, neglected, irritated or seething.

If you’re already feeling insecure, suffering perhaps from low self-esteem, you might feel abandoned by your partner.

Before tackling this behaviour with your partner, your starting point is to consider my earlier questions again. Perhaps someone else would be perfectly happy if their partner is looking at others.

They could also be looking at other people – regardless of gender – because:

• They look interesting in some way – beautiful, revealing, tall, small, well-dressed, poorly dressed.
• Catching someone’s attention feels good
• They’re biologically primed to do so
• The other person tries to catch their attention.

Looking at other people in itself is not a problem. It’s how your partner looks that might be an issue.

Your partner’s attention-seeking behaviour, including flirting, may be motivated by their wish to make you jealous. They might want to be noticed and show off their desirability, not just to you, to boost their self-esteem. This behaviour is, of course, not helpful and might reveal a disbalance of power in your relationship.

Worse is if they’re deliberately undermining you by catching others’ attention and flirting. In that case, I suspect they’re using more ways to humiliate you, and you’d want to know for sure you’re not in a toxic relationship.

Further down, we’ll talk about what you can do to cope with your partner’s attention-seeking behaviour in this situation.

Your partner’s attention-seeking on social media

The time spent on social media platforms is time away from you. If it’s within reason, fair enough.

However, is your partner focused to the extreme on the attention they’re getting from their social media followers to the detriment of you, their work and the family? That may mean they now have a serious mental health problem.

You need to be sure, though, that they’re indeed seeking attention from followers and not just being occupied with building an online business. While the latter could be just as time-sapping, it doesn’t classify as attention-seeking.

So, how can you be sure their need for attention is out of proportion?

Read on…

14 consequences of excessive attention-seeking on social media

Your partner…

1. seems absent-minded and distracted all the time
2. is not responding appropriately to you or the children
3. has lack of patience
4. appears quickly irritated
5. is neglecting of- or has time only for their appearance
6. is overall neglectful – of you, the children, their work, chores, etc
7. becomes angry when being confronted
8. denies they’re being addicted
9. blames you and everyone else for any problems
10. seems not to care about anything
11. appears very selfish
12. is constantly posting
13. constantly checks for likes, comments and updates
14. is over-agitated by negative comments.

I suspect your partner is addicted to the attention they’re getting on whichever social media platform(s) they’re using.

Concern for the children

If your partner or spouse does suffer from an addiction and you have children, you’ll need to keep a close eye on them. I’d be particularly concerned the situation is negatively affecting your kids. It flags up a child protection issue for me! I know that sounds harsh, doesn’t it?

Mental health and attention-seeking behaviour

Several mental health conditions include the type of behaviour we’ve talked about. I’d particularly like you to read Verywellmind’s list of characteristics of a histrionic personality disorder.

If you recognise your partner’s behaviour in that list, then know that you’re in for a rollercoaster ride if you want to continue your relationship or marriage.

Unfortunately, no amount of talking is likely to curb the behaviour. While your partner so desperately needs other people, they can’t help but drive them away.

Your partner may also have some narcissistic tendencies. They consider themselves invincible – the best at just about anything.

Sadly, a ‘close’ couple relationship will always be troublesome and frequently ends in a breakup and divorce.

How to deal with an attention-seeking partner

There’s only one way to stop having to cope with their attention-seeking behaviour.

You’ll have to have a conversation with your partner. You may have already tried this unsuccessfully in your own way.

So, let me see if I can help you have a more fruitful conversation…

5 tips for dealing with your ‘attention-seeker’

There you have that label again! I include it here in case you’re not yet able to let it go. Here’s what to do and say to deal with your partner’s attention-seeking:

1. Talk about the facts only, do not call your partner an attention-seeker! That would likely mean an argument (see: 43 reasons why couples argue all the time) or an immediate end of the conversation. Say something like: “I notice that when…, you ask for…” “Whenever we are…, I hear/see/feel you…”
2. Then tell your attention-seeking partner calmly how you feel: “I feel worried/misunderstood/irritated/angry/neglected/humiliated, etc. (see why self-awareness is crucial?).
3. Talk about the consequences. State, for example: “It makes it difficult to spontaneously show my love for you.” “I feel the need to turn away from you even though I know that’s not helpful.” “I think you’re allowing social media to replace me/the kids/.” “I think that if this carries on, it could mean the end of the relationship as I can’t carry on like this.”
4. Ask for help: “What do you think we need to do? How can I help? What do you think needs to happen?” Do not let your spouse hijack this part. You’d want them to consider your feelings here!
5. Make a 3-part plan with concrete steps and outcomes so that you can check on your progress in a couple of weeks.

A warning

Is your partner using other ways to undermine and humiliate you?

Are they blaming you for everything and criticising you constantly?

Do they have ‘anger issues‘?

Then you’re likely in a toxic relationship, and it’s time to consider ending the relationship or getting a divorce.

You may also find it helpful then to read my article how do you know you love someone.

Finally

Hopefully, you’ll have gathered that learning how to cope with an attention-seeking partner’s behaviour is not the answer. It’s unhelpful behaviour, and you and your partner or spouse can do much better by tackling it head-on.

You too, can upgrade your relationship skills, regardless of your starting point. I’m rooting for you!