5 steps to dealing with jealousy in relationships effectively

Feeling jealous all the time?

Even if you’re one of the most secure people on the planet, you may have been plagued by feelings of insecurity and, possibly, dealing with jealousy.

You may have been completely comfortable with who you are. But anxiety, worry, anger or fear about losing a person you love may at times undermine your sense of security.

That happens to the best of us for a variety of reasons.

When those feelings begin to bubble up, they can be shaken off with some loving kindness from your spouse or partner. Even simply spending quality time together can do the trick. 

However, those emotions can climb to seemingly irrational levels. And, they can hang around longer than you’d like. That’s when it’s much more likely you’re suffering from jealousy. 

You might even hate yourself for it. And it might feel like you’re constantly fighting with yourself to not make it so obvious you’re feeling jealous.

Your feelings of jealousy can spring from imagined threats that nevertheless seem alarmingly real. Or, you’re trying to deal with a past hurt.

I hope that with this article I can help you deal with your jealousy.

Dealing with jealousy – the green-eyed monster

So, what is jealousy? 

Jealousy is what you feel when you think that you’re on the verge of losing something or someone precious to you. This can happen, for example, when you see the presence of someone else as a threat to your relationship.

Jealousy can manifest itself in several forms and can be present in all kinds of relationships. But for the purpose of this article about dealing with jealousy, I’m going to assume you’re dealing with jealousy in marriage or another intimate relationship.

Let’s see first what happens when you’re dealing with jealousy in a relationship…

The tell-tale signs of jealousy in a relationship

Jealousy can lead you to experience very intense emotions.

You might struggle to control some of your reactions to these emotions with a detrimental effect on your relationship…

14 signs you’re suffering from jealousy

1. You suddenly feel intense emotions of anger towards your partner and fear they may leave you.
2. You may know that you have a loving partner, but for some reason, you can’t shake off the feeling that they might be cheating on you.
3. You have the compulsion to check messages on your partner’s phone, email or social media account, or listen in to bits of conversations to be sure that your partner isn’t fooling around.
4. You begin to feel suspicious about his/her whereabouts and who he/she is spending time with
5. You doubt your partner, suspecting they’re lying. 
6. You feel the unreasonable need to cross-examine your spouse.
7. You overanalyse what your partner says or does and inject your own interpretations about situations.
8. You dislike it when your partner spends time away from you.
9. You feel you’re not good enough.
10. You feel threatened by the other person who has entered the picture be that in terms of physical appearance, education, work status or accomplishments.
11. You feel the need to defend yourself or prove your worth
12. You alienate your spouse/partner with hurtful words and, possibly, baseless accusations.
13. You might resort to emotional abuse or even physical violence (see also my relationship abuse test)
14. You experience frustration that you feel this way because the emotions are getting out of hand.

I feel jealous in my relationship because…

There are many reasons why you might be feeling jealous, so let’s get to the bottom of your jealousy.

Take a look at this list to discover why you’re feeling jealous right now.

11 potential triggers for your jealousy

1. Your partner is spending more time with other people (tough if time together is your primary love language)
2. Your partner gives other people more attention during a social gathering, and you feel shortchanged.
3. Your partner has changed for the worst.
4. Someone is showing interest – romantic or not – in your partner.
5. Your partner starts interacting with other people who you judge to be more ‘stimulating’ (intellectually, physically or romantically) to them and you feel left out of the loop.
6. You’ve seen too many signs of infidelity.
7. You may be suffering from low self-esteem and that someone might be better suited to your partner.
8. You may be reliving moments wherein you were lied to, or cheated on, by your current partner or a partner from a previous relationship. It may have happened recently or a long time ago, but you still find it difficult to move on.
9. You’ve been looking for signs your spouse wants to leave you.
10. Your spouse is deliberately making you feel jealous (see my article on the signs of an abusive relationship)
11. Your spouse is lying all the time.

Those are just some of the reasons why we experience these feelings, but you can probably identify other reasons for jealousy too.

How to deal with jealousy

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

Sometimes, when you’re in the midst of your emotions, it may seem as if there’s no end to the torment.

When your partner starts to become defensive or show signs of being tired of your emotional tirades, the feelings might even get more intense.

Take heart, it doesn’t have to be that way!

You can gradually overcome these feelings. And I promise you, you’ll be able to see beyond the difficulty of what you’re going through now.

Dealing with jealousy

Getting to the root of jealousy

Dealing with jealousy is a heart issue.

It can also spring from not knowing how valuable you are. The way you see yourself can either paint or taint how you view your relationships. 

Therefore, ask yourself: How do I see myself?

Usually, low self-esteem and dysfunctional/abusive relationships are linked.

If you’re suffering from low self-esteem, it’s very likely that you’ve had similar problems in your relationships before.

Take a moment to think about your previous relationships, including your relationship with your parents or other carers.

• Were you always treated with loving-kindness or did you suffer from significant childhood adversity?
• To what extent did you trust the people who cared for you?
• Have you been cheated on by previous partners?
• Have you been in an abusive relationship?
• How does your present partner compare with previous partners, parents and carers? Can you see a pattern?
• Could it be that you’ve yet again chosen a partner who is in many ways much like previous ones? See my relationship compatibility test.

There might be recurring patterns of jealousy or surviving infidelity.

You may even need to consider ending your marriage or relationship if indeed you’re being abused. There’s no point in trying to deal with jealousy if you’re feeling unsafe.

How to deal with jealousy when you’re feeling insecure

It’s not enough to know what you’re worth and how you’ve navigated relationships in the past. It’s also very important to know exactly what you’re dealing with at any given moment.

When your emotions are at their peak, remove yourself from the situation. Take some time out to jot down the answers to these questions:

• What is ‘making’ me jealous?
• Is it a real threat or is it something that I merely fear?
• How is this affecting me, my partner and my relationship?
• What can I do to be better?

How to overcome jealousy

I can so imagine how overwhelmed you might feel, perhaps even as if you have two different personalities at times!

Know that you really can get better!

Here are my top tips to overcome those feelings of envy, jealousy, resentment and spite…

5 steps to dealing with jealousy in a relationship

For this part, I’m going to assume you’re not in an abusive relationship!

Step 1 – Talk about how you feel only when calm

State how you feel without accusing your spouse. They’re likely to be more responsive to you and willing to help you overcome your jealousy.

So, don’t launch into a detailed explanation of what your partner’s doing that’s making you feel bad. They can see that as an attack on their character.

Before you know it, the two of you are just arguing and not getting to deal with jealousy issues.

Step 2 – Set ground rules

Communicate honestly.

If there are real reasons for you to be jealous, it’s important the two of you dare to be honest with each other. Bear in mind though, that the two of you might have a very different perspective of what is real or not.

Communicate positively.

That means you choose consciously to affirm when it’s easier to tear down. To speak gently when it’s easier to scream and to speak kindly when it’s easier to just get mad.

Step 3 – Affirm each other as partners

Revisit the reasons you fell in love.

Chances are you forget why you love your spouse, due to the passage of time, subsequent familiarity and having to deal with common relationship problems. 

Step 4 – Give each other a freedom radius

This means you give each other time to reconnect with yourselves and with other people. You both need to feel free from fear of upsetting the other if you don’t call or send a text with an update of your whereabouts.

Give each other allowances for growth and individual enjoyment.

Your partner will like the feeling of being trusted and will probably be more open towards you as a result.

Step 5 – Find ways to reconnect as a couple

1. Revive old traditions. Stop your relationship becoming hum-drum and boring. Work hard to fall back in love with each other, if necessary.
2. Strengthen your marriage by focussing on building a healthy relationship and becoming a better spouse.
3. Connect on a deeper level with my free bundle of communication tools – PDFs and worksheets: Loving Communication Kit for Couples. It is full of tips, advice and tools to get the two of you moving forward in a positive direction.

7 ways to help feel less jealous

1. Affirm yourself. You are a person of value and you have an identity that is separate from your partner. Know your worth.
2. Catch yourself when you notice recurring patterns of negative self-talk and negative thoughts. Decide immediately to change your mode.
3. Reconnect with other people. Your life didn’t stop when you had a romantic relationship. Visit friends and family and spend time getting to know them better.
4. Spread your wings by doing something meaningful – volunteer. Find an organisation which interests you and offer your time and talents (yes, you do have those!). You’ll find your self-confidence grow by the day.
5. Talk to a therapist or professional relationship coach (opens in a new tab) if you feel that things are really not working out well for you.
6. Make use of a professionally produced hypnosis download audio. See Three-Step-Plan to Overcome Jealousy video (opens in a new tab). To learn more about how hypnosis can help you, see my article Hypnosis Downloads FAQ and downloads.
7. Know when it’s time to let go if you think that the relationship is beyond repair and you’ve already done everything from your end to make things work.

You can only fulfil your potential and make a difference in this world if you’re happy with yourself.

You’re much more likely to stop feeling jealous when you’ve found your place in this world and happy in your own skin.

Finally

Relationships should free you to be who you were meant to be, and not constrain you from reaching your destiny.

You can overcome jealousy by ditching an abusive relationship and dealing with your own insecurities. If your jealousy is unfounded, you can deal with it by fixing your relationship problems and building a strong and healthy marriage.