What to do when you’re bored with your spouse

Discover why your spouse is so ‘boring’

Are you bored with your husband, wife or partner, or are they think you’re boring? Finding your marriage boring? Wondering why you get bored in a relationship? I’ll answer all those questions!

Is it normal for a relationship to get boring?

Discover why you get bored with your spouse

It’s normal for that all-absorbing flush of excitement in the early stages of a relationship to wear off after a while.

That romantic love can and does last in some relationships. More often, that sense of excitement, lust and romance lasts from a few months to a couple of years.

Slowly, you transition to the second phase of your relationship.

You become increasingly aware of each other’s characteristics and behaviours you find less attractive, hugely annoying or simply boring.

For example, your spouse, once the ‘rock’ in your life becomes dull, the ‘bundle of energy’ is annoying and boring.

Becoming bored is what your brain is designed to do when things become familiar and, therefore, automatic. We constantly look for more stimulation. Why do you think we now make phone calls over the internet instead of sending telegrams?

So, yes, it’s normal for a relationship and your spouse to become boring.

There’s more – read on!

Your brain isn’t concerned with all the good stuff

Your brain habitually filters all the positives to focus on anything from minor irritations to major disasters.

Unfortunately, that’s our evolutionary inheritance. Our brain developed when we’d have to consider the whereabouts of sabre-tooth tigers and hunt for lunch, but not become lunch. Our survival depended on being aware of irritations and disasters. Therefore, getting on with the tribe was neither here nor there as long as we could trust them.

Can you see now how that works in your marriage?

So, let’s sort you out.

Bored with your spouse?

It’s a wake-up call!

You’ve landed in the second phase of your relationship, and the hard work starts. A healthy relationship requires daily investment to stop it from getting tedious, dull, repetitive and terribly boring.

When the initial excitement has worn off, there are still plenty of opportunities to pepper your life together with things that will help keep it alive for years to come.

How to stop being bored with your spouse

I suspect you’re probably making several assumptions:

• That you really know your spouse
• In a good marriage, your spouse ‘should’ be able to provide for all your needs.
• That this is ‘it’, you’re stuck in a boring marriage unless you leave
• That you’ll be better off with someone else.

Let’s challenge those assumptions.

Each and every experience changes you. You’re both constantly…

• updating your existing knowledge
• forgetting things
• changing your mind
• learning something new
• connecting and disconnecting with a whole range of people
• and much, much more.

Your spouse will have changed in ways you’re unaware of (and vice versa). They may have developed specific parts of their character and neglected others to fit into this relationship.

It’s now up to you to discover how they’ve changed since you’ve known them.

Also, there’s no guarantee that your spouse, at this very moment, isn’t thinking about another man or woman, that they aren’t having an affair!

Or perhaps they’re contemplating what it would be like to get a divorce or tell you they want a break. They could even be ready to pack their bag without you being aware.

They could be fantasising about you being somehow different and less boring. They might even imagine you’re someone else when making love (if that part of your relationship hasn’t gone down the pan already!).

What would any of that mean to you?

Could you honestly say that you’ve invested the same energy in your spouse and relationship as you might bestow on your children, car, work, friends, hobbies/interests, etc.?

Consider how you are with your best friend or mates at work. Which parts of you do they see that you no longer share with your spouse? And why is that so?

To bring back some of that sparkle right now, the two best things you can do are: treat your spouse like your best friend AND engage in some entirely new activities.

Change your perspective to change your marriage

Here are some questions for you to consider:

Are you absolutely sure that you’re bored with your marriage, or could it be you’re bored with life?

If so, addressing your general sense of boredom is likely to have a positive impact on your relationship too.

Know your relationship is the problem, then consider the following…

Is it possible that one aspect of your life (e.g., work or an affair) is so fast-paced and exciting that your marriage or relationship feels boring in comparison?

In which case, is there not a chance the excitement of that is likely to wear off too? And might it be blinding you to all the good things about your relationship?

Could you possibly reframe ‘routine’, ‘predictability’, ‘uninteresting’ and ‘boring’ into a ‘sense of security’?

This reframe changes the meaning of the supposed boredom and monotony into a deeper attachment, i.e. the next stage in your relationship.

This phase of your relationship allows you to develop and nurture a warm sense of lasting, comfortable, yet interesting and satisfying togetherness. This stage then serves as the basis for encouraging each other to undertake more exciting things.

Notice how I’m focusing mainly on you and not your spouse. That’s because you are likely to hold the key to a much better relationship as you can’t change your spouse.

Boring spouse or bored you?

First of all, it’s essential that you feel happy with yourself, because your spouse cannot fulfil all of your needs.

These days, we often set ourselves up for failure by asking too much of our nearest and dearest. Perhaps you hoped your spouse would be:

• your best friend, confidante and soul-mate
• The person who’d create excitement in your life – also, ideally in the bedroom
• AND provide you with a sense of security, be your rock and MAKE you happy (see also: How to make your spouse love you again).

While it’s reasonable to hope for any or all of the above, it’s important to be realistic in your expectations. You’re unlikely to find someone who provides for all of your needs throughout your years together.

Maybe your spouse’s brilliant at being a best friend but not so good at creating a sense of security.

Maybe they’re super caring, loving and romantic but not very spontaneous, so they rarely initiate new (exciting) things.

Perhaps they’re not great with money, but they rock your world in the bedroom.

So, could it be that your sense of boredom is more a sense of disillusionment?

If you were to focus on your spouse’s good qualities and what you do have together, can you see why you fell for them in the first place?

And, are you prepared to compromise on your expectations – as they’ll have to also?

If you look at things from a different angle, you might find that sense of boredom isn’t so all-consuming after all.

Your action plan to deal with a ‘boring’ spouse or marriage

1. Reconsider the validity of your expectations. If your expectations appear to be unreasonable, of course, the reality won’t match up, and your marriage or spouse seems boring!
2. Sort out any personal issues. Your worries or challenges will undoubtedly have a negative impact on the health of your relationship.
3. Start treating your spouse like the best thing that ever happened to you (as you probably did at the beginning of your relationship). Don’t let familiarity breed contempt.
4. Get my Loving Communication Tools for Couples to help you enjoy deeper, more meaningful, fun conversations.
5. Make plans for new experiences together (more on this below).

Simply doing these five things will help you change the dynamics in your relationship.

Simply doing these five things will help you change the dynamics in your relationship.

Ideas for creating some excitement in that boring marriage

When you’ve got your expectations in check, you can start to make some changes and have more fun together, more to talk about and look forward dispelling that sense of boredom.

Here are some ideas to help you get started…

Undertake something completely out of the ordinary together

Life can become ever so serious and predictable when you have bills to pay and a job to do. You have little control over much of that.

However, you can change your routine in other ways. You’re likely to find that your wife or husband isn’t half as boring as you thought they were.

Dr Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist who has researched for match.com why and whom we love. She discovered that doing novel activities stimulates the dopamine circuit in the brain – this is the circuit of romantic love*. So go for it!

For example: if you both like the cinema, go to a theatre performance instead. If you like going to gigs, go to an opera. If you like watching movies at home, go for a six-mile hike. Instead of going to a football match, go to a tennis match. If you like clubbing, how about ballroom dancing for a complete change?

How to break the monotony of a dull marriage with boring spouse

Changing your routine

Whatever you do, it has to be new to create that bonding effect! Organise a getaway for a few days and do something entirely out of the ordinary for you. You can go cheap by going camping or hiring a bicycle. Or you can go luxurious, even if only for one night. In fact: make plans as well as provision for the spontaneous.

Brainstorm in advance one evening and make a list of things you might like to do given the opportunity. Be sure to include both your wishes. When you go along with something your spouse wants to do, it’s your investment in the relationship.

Are you investing in your own interests to stop you from becoming boring?

You could, of course, be doing too much of that already – in which case, hop to the next heading. But if not, know that you both also need time for personal development – your interests, hobbies and friends.

There should be no need to feel threatened by your spouse’s outside interests if you spend enough time together and all is well between you. At the end of the day, you have something to talk about if each of you cares enough to show an interest in each other.

Change things in the bedroom

A bedroom is for sleeping (and enjoying your physical relationship, of course) – so take the television out of that room.

Make love, be tender, and listen together to music or a spoken book. Swap sides – sleep on the other side of the bed now and then. Change the room around.

Go to bed together for a change. I know one of you may be a night owl, but hey … this is a chance to invest in the relationship …

Changes can help to keep boredom at bay.

Swap regular sleep-overs for the children with friends

Spice things up in the bedroom

When the children are away for the night, dress up or undress ;-), in different rooms, for starters.

Take turns organising a surprise outing for just the two of you (see above). 

Alternatively, cook a three-course meal for your spouse (or buy ready-made stuff and pretend!) when they least expect it.

Spice up your physical relationship; read books from Nicole Daedom, Kidder Kaper, Tommy Leanard and Tammy Nelson. Or find some exciting films!

Watch this video (opens in a new tab) for more encouragement.

Put a big cross in your diary

A relationship is like a plant – if you don’t feed and water it, it will die!

If you’re both very busy – perhaps with work, your interests (though see the previous point) and with the children – make space in your diary for just the two of you.

Put a cross in your diary for, at the very least, one evening a fortnight for the two of you. And plan something completely out of the ordinary now and then.

Remember the music you listened to when you met?

Find those old tracks and have them as background music for a romantic evening.

Read those old letters or emails you sent each other (if you received any and kept them!)

Get the photos out from your early days.

Wear the aftershave/perfume you wore when you first met – your brain will do the rest! Chances are you’ll start to think differently again about your ‘boring’ husband or wife.

Bored with your husband or wife and constantly rehearsing what you dislike about them?

No wonder you’re bored!

You are routinely making yourself (and him or her) more miserable. So now’s the time to save your relationship.

Not sure your relationship can last? Then my Relationship Compatibility Test will help you to figure out the state of play.

Picnic in the middle of the night and watch the stars

Or go for a picnic at five in the morning, watch the sun come up and listen to the birds’ morning chorus. Picnic in the pouring rain or in a raging storm.

Brainstorm together

Write down any ideas you can think of to change your regular pattern, however silly it might initially seem. Sift later and plan for the best.

Do this regularly, so you always have options whenever you need them.

Oh… and do make each other feel special with a card or a gift and a special Thank You note now and then!

Here’s a free printable worksheet to help you figure out what else you can do to improve your marriage…

Finally

If you’ve been feeling bored with your spouse, I hope the ideas above have given you a renewed sense of energy and purpose. Routine by nature can be dull and boring – but breaking up the monotony is very much within your power!

You don’t have to go skydiving or swimming with sharks every day – just implementing little changes regularly will be enough to breathe new life into your relationship.

Remember, realistic expectations combined with a little care, attention and effort will go a very long way to creating a fulfilling marriage. I’m rooting for you!

References

*Fisher, H. Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Holt Paperbacks; Reprint edition December 9, 2004.

Images courtesy of: SElephant