Expert survival guide on how to live with a narcissistic husband

How to live with a narcissistic husband

You’ve found me through searching for information on how to live with a narcissistic husband. I’m glad you’ve landed here!

Living with a narcissistic husband, wife or partner, or anyone else with narcissistic traits is undoubtedly challenging.

Interestingly, more women look for relationship help with this issue than men. That’s not surprising – research on gender differences in narcissism found that men consistently scored higher.

How can you recognise narcissism?

While you may love your husband very much (or perhaps not anymore!), their narcissistic tendencies can make it difficult for you to live with them and feel loved in return.

Being able to spot and identify narcissistic behaviour can at least help you to make sense of seemingly senseless and selfish behaviour.

You need that for your sanity when you even think you’re living with a ‘narcissist’!

10 signs your husband has narcissistic traits

You may well be living with a narcissist – depending on the number of items you could tick on the following list and to what extent they exhibit the behaviours:

1. Your spouse expects continued appreciation and admiration from you and others – often referred to as ‘narcissistic supply’. (This expectation comes from a sense of entitlement and an exaggerated sense of self-importance)
2. He overestimates his abilities and underestimates the contribution of others – this is probably well-documented in their social media profiles and is a very telling narcissistic trait.
3. He fantasises and lies all the time about unlimited success in whatever they do (magical thinking)
4. He compares themselves very favourably with high-status people, assuming they only will understand and truly appreciate them.
5. He is often unreasonably demanding – having unrealistic expectations of you (and others) – a personality trait that makes it almost impossible to create a healthy relationship.
6. He contributes very little to the relationship – only take and manipulates.
7. He has little or no empathy (though they are masters at faking it), often sneers and shouts, and is contemptuous and over-critical of you and everything you do (in other words: mentally abusive)
8. He is unwilling to discuss your feelings or concerns.
9. He lacks insight into himself and his behaviour.
10. He is unpredictable and unreasonable.

He may also be utterly charming, interesting, entertaining and happy-go-lucky. No wonder then that you find yourself drawn to him, at least when you first met:

• you felt he truly understood you
• he fulfilled your wildest dreams
• you felt like the luckiest person on this earth
• you could barely believe someone like him (or her) would ever love someone like you.

You may continue to love him despite the difficulties in figuring out how to live with him, often probably wondering what you‘re doing wrong.

Chances are:

• You swing between feeling he’s bad for you and remembering how he was your knight in shining armour.
• You’re feeling guilty when he blames you.
• You’re feeling anxious all the time.
• You’re constantly doubting them and doubting yourself
• You may even think at times that he hates you.

It may have taken you some time to realise that his personality is all about ‘me, myself and I’.

You (and possibly others) may now think of him as selfish, pompous, arrogant, pretentious, overbearing, big-headed and/or a user who never-ever apologises for their behaviour.

Dealing with a narcissistic husband can be a nightmare!

So, in this article, I aim to help you understand what’s happening and offer you some guidance.

I’ll also give you some ideas on how to stay married and make the most of your relationship despite the challenges.

Is your partner truly narcissistic?

A diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a classified mental disorder in the DSM – a handbook used by the American Psychiatric Association and psychiatrists worldwide.

Only a suitably qualified mental health or medical professional can diagnose the disorder with the help of a narcissistic personality inventory.

The 5 different types of narcissism

When you want to know how to live with a narcissistic husband it’s as well to learn what that really entails, because there’s more…

A suitably qualified mental health worker will also be looking for what type of narcissism a person has.

Narcissism can be of the prosocial- or antisocial type. The latter type you’re most likely familiar with and probably prompted your search for information).

And then, there are some subtypes:

1. grandiose narcissism (the excessive selfie-posting type (link opens in a new tab))
2. malignant narcissism (see further down)
3. leadership narcissism
4. entitlement narcissism
5. vulnerable narcissism.

Your spouse may not meet the required criteria for NPD diagnosis, yet clearly (at least to you) has narcissistic tendencies.

And regardless of the label he may or may not have, you have to deal with those energy-sapping selfish behaviours.

You’re not alone in living with a narcissist!

Living with a narcissist?

5 underlying reasons for their narcissist behaviour

If you’re dealing with a narcissistic husband, the following might give you a little insight.

Your spouse may be protecting themselves against, for example, underlying:

1. Insecurity – some have a fragile sense of self, are easily hurt by criticism and are floored by failures (aka ‘narcissistic injury’)
2. Unresolved conflict – for whatever reason, he didn’t get what he needed or expected from his caregivers in childhood.
3. Unpleasant memories. We all have them, but a narcissist can’t let them go – hence the defensive behaviours.
4. Unpleasant feelings – which he’ll constantly be trying to escape in ways that are detrimental to others
5. Stereotypical gender role. Your husband may exhibit behaviours which he learned from his parents or other caregivers.

Any of these are likely to be rooted in his childhood. They could include rejection at the hands of the very people who should have shown them unconditional love and acceptance. (At least, this is the psychodynamic explanation.)

As a result of this:

• He now defends his feelings of rejection by continually telling himself that he is perfect and lovable.
• He may convince himself that he is self-sufficient and does not require warm relationships with others. All this doesn’t mean he doesn’t need others…
• He will feel rejected, sad, empty, and depressed if you decide to leave him. It’s too much of a reminder of the past without their consciously making that connection.
• Your husband’s self-esteem will often appear high but may be very fragile (though that’s not the case for all narcissists!).
• He certainly will be completely unable to cope with criticism because it’s likely to leave him feeling crushed.

How to deal with a narcissistic husband

People with narcissistic behaviours are usually charming in the beginning.

However, their self-centred view makes it difficult for them to develop strong long-term relationships.

Your husband’s lack of empathy may even put your safety at risk.

Living with a narcissistic husband can feel like you’re constantly walking on a tightrope.

I wouldn’t be surprised if, over time, you’ve found yourself increasingly irritated, frustrated, stressed or desperately hurt by them – and perhaps even scared.

You may have got into a spiral of negativity, with disappointments stacking up and dragging you down.

Your self-esteem is likely to have suffered a downturn due to his constant criticism and rejection of you. Yet, you may still love your husband or perhaps think you do.

I recommend you take my comprehensive relationship compatibility test (link opens in a new tab) to determine if it’s worth saving your marriage.

I’ll assume that your husband isn’t at the dangerous end of the narcissism spectrum.

If he is, you’re in an abusive marriage!

You’ll be at risk of financial, physical and emotional abuse. I’d strongly advise you to seek professional help as soon as possible.

However, if your spouse displays mildly narcissistic traits and you’re looking for ways to cope with the problem, I have a plan for you…

How to live with a narcissistic husband – a survival guide

Top 8 tips for surviving and dealing with a narcissistic husband

Below is your survival guide for living with a narcissistic spouse.

None of the following is useful and can even be dangerous if you’re the victim of narcissistic abuse!

Here’s how to live with a ‘narcissistic’ husband – a spouse with just some narcissistic traits:

1. Be safe!

First and foremost, be safe – emotionally, psychologically and physically. Don’t allow your partner to violate your boundaries. If you don’t feel safe – stop reading now and get help.

2. Take time to focus on meeting your own emotional needs

Give yourself permission not to think about your partner or spouse 24 hours a day! Instead, undertake something completely new to occupy yourself.

3. Remind yourself frequently that you are still uniquely smart and lovable

Your spouse may well suggest you’re crazy, so you’ll need to learn to protect yourself.

I highly recommend you get the hypnosis audio downloads “Boosting Your Self-Esteem” and “Dealing with Narcissistic Behaviour”.

With the help of a professional audio download, self-hypnosis is a user-friendly, affordable and – above all – effective way to help you feel better fast.

Discover how it can work for you and which specific download would suit you most – see my page Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads.

4. Make good use of your resources

You were born with the most amazing resource – your brain!

Among a thousand and one things, it allows you to reflect on yourself, increase your self-awareness, and practice empathy not only for others but also for yourself.

So use it to deal with your pre-existing insecurities to protect you better against your spouse’s criticism.

5. Accept that you cannot change your narcissistic husband

If only you could change your spouse! Know that your spouse is incapable of forming worthwhile relationships.

They can’t form a truly loving, close relationship and you’re unlikely to ever really get through to them no matter how much love, care and consideration you show them.

So, remind yourself often not to take any mean comments personally.

6. Don’t take it personally

See their narcissistic behaviour as a reflection of their insecurities, inabilities and prejudges.

7. Share your experience

Talk to a trusted person. I highly recommend you connect with an online, professional, licensed therapist for the best advice.

Alternatively, you could ask for relationship advice from a wise individual in your surroundings – someone you know won’t judge and won’t blab (unless you’re in danger of serious harm).

8. Decide for yourself what is- and what isn’t acceptable behaviour

• Write down what you know you can heck and what is for you unacceptable.
• Discuss it with someone you trust to ensure that you’re not making excuses for their behaviour.
• Set clear boundaries and decide what you need to do for yourself to feel better when you feel slighted by your husband. Stick to it!

You may increasingly feel that you can no longer stay in this marriage. If that’s the case, permit yourself to feel okay about that.

Give yourself time to make the right decision, though.

Can you change your narcissistic spouse?

Put simply: you can’t change your other half or anyone else for that matter – whatever the problem.

Not because he is – or could be – narcissistic. But because no one has (or should have) the power over another person to force them to change. And your ‘narcissist’ husband, in particular, is unlikely ever to seek treatment to help him change – of his own accord or because you demanded he should.

We change our behaviour based on feedback – positive or negative – self-reflection and self-awareness.

Your narcissistic husband lacks the capacity for self-reflection and has little insight into his shortcomings and impact on others. He will see no need to change.

Helping your spouse deal with criticism

Someone with a diagnosis of NPD, or even with ‘just’ some traits of narcissistic personality disorder, can find criticism particularly challenging. They may respond by behaving rudely and aggressively if criticised.

The best thing you can do here is to help your husband recognise that no one is perfect. Each of us, including him, has our share of imperfections and shortcomings.

For more on this, hop over to my article on how to deal with criticism.

How to encourage understanding and empathy

Try and encourage understanding with some playful conversations together every day.

For example:

• Ask them to guess what you’re thinking.
• Likewise, guess what they’re thinking about right now.
• Take turns to have a 10-minute max conversation about your successes, preferences and joys, and your failures, disappointments, and challenges.
• Accept that your spouse will find 10-minute chats about his successes a challenge, but insist he also listens to you.

These conversations may help them slowly and gently get some insight into other people’s feelings.

You’ll probably need to be pretty patient when you first try these kinds of chats. Please don’t force it, and only play when you’re feeling positive, cheerful and generous!

When you can no longer stay married, and it’s time to get a divorce

There may come a time when you feel you’ve had enough, you don’t want to stay married to your narcissistic husband. It’s hard creating a rewarding relationship with someone whose main focus is himself.

It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who abuses you!

So, you may find it helpful to read my article 19 signs your marriage is over and how to tell your spouse you want a divorce. After all, its success does need two people to commit and work together to build a healthy relationship.

Alternatively, you could tell your husband you want a break.

Not sure what to do for the best?

Step 1: Make a list of all their positive attributes

Include the things your husband has contributed to your relationship so far and what you still love about them.

Step 2: Make a list of behaviours you experience as abusive

Go back to the lists in my article on the signs of an abusive relationship to remind yourself.

Step 3: Weigh up the two lists against each other

If possible, discuss each step with someone you trust. Choose a loved one who has your best interest at heart but can remain objective.

Get help to help you cope with a narcissistic spouse!

You might be lucky enough to be surrounded by supportive friends and family.

If so, talk to them, and listen to their take on your relationship.

If not, and you need some guidance, I recommend you chat with an online relationship coach to get some insight and actionable advice.

Finally

Living with a narcissistic husband can be exhausting and confusing.

Your mental health is at stake, so it’s time to consider if staying married is in your (and your children’s) best interest.

Remember, you deserve to be loved, cherished and feel fulfilled.

Sources

“Study: Men Tend to Be More Narcissistic Than Women.” Why We Create Monsters – UB Reporter, 4 Mar. 2015, www.buffalo.edu/news/releases/2015/03/009.html. Accessed 14 Dec. 2018.

Gilbert, Katie. “The Price of Loving Someone Borderline or Narcissistic.” Psychology Today, 07 Jan. 2016. Web. 27 Nov. 2017.

“Narcissism And The Addiction To Narcissistic Supply.” The Roadshow for Therapists Narcissism And The Addiction To Narcissistic Supply Comments. N.p., n.d. Web. 28 Nov. 2017.