22 signs your spouse hates you

Why your husband or wife hates you, and what to do about it

How very sad you have to search the internet to find out about the signs your spouse hates you. And why and what you should do when they can’t stand you.

Surely, they were once in love with you? So, what happened?

How hurt you must feel. So, l aim to help you figure out what’s happening in your marriage.

After reading this article, I hope you’ll see your marriage in a new light. I want you to understand how the situation is more nuanced than just your spouse ‘hating’ you.

What to do first when you think your spouse hates you

Let’s start with looking at how we can rewrite: “My husband hates me.” Or “Why does my wife hate me?”

• It might be that your spouse is disappointed, exasperated and angry with you.
• Or that they’re using you. Your spouse might want to break up with you but doesn’t know how.
• They could be fed up with you, perhaps having tried to improve the marriage.
• They may copy unhelpful relationship ‘skills’ they picked up from their parents or carers.
• Their personality might get in the way of building a healthy relationship. They may even be abusing you.

It’s crucial you understand the signs of an abusive relationship.

So, if you’re unsure you’re in an abusive marriage, I’d like you to run your eyes over my toxic relationship test first. I’ll be here when you come back.

Next, we’ll look at twenty-two unhelpful behaviours that make you think your spouse hates you. Some of those signs can be considered abusive!

22 signs your spouse ‘hates’ you

How to know your spouse hates you

1. They ignore you – they use the silent treatment on you – maybe even for days on end.
2. They treat you with contempt – as if you’re a mere smudge on their shoe.
3. They deliberately stay out more – they’re no longer interested in spending time with you, regardless of what’s going on for you.
4. They spitefully do things they know you hate – they deliberately aim for you to get your hackles up and get hurt or angry.
5. They make demeaning comments about your dress sense – they make sure they undermine your confidence and self-esteem.
6. They make sarcastic and vicious comments – they don’t even try to be ‘nice’ anymore.
7. They shower you with constant criticism – nothing you do pleases them.
8. They minimise everything that bothers you – your concerns are swept aside.
9. They belittle you in front of others – they deliberately make you feel embarrassed. No wonder, then, you think your spouse hates you.
10. They make cutting remarks – they set out to hurt you out of spite.
11. They laugh in your face – another way to show contempt.
12. They lose their temper more often – they have no patience for you. Even the most minor misdemeanours cause them to erupt.
13. They’re increasingly irritated with you – little things make them sigh and roll their eyes.
14. They vilify your family – they talk about your loved ones without respect for them or care about your feelings.
15. They compare you unfavourably to someone they know or even your friends to humiliate you.
16. They ignore you at parties and events – they prefer to talk to other people and don’t bother to involve you in any conversation or fun.
17. No longer wants to accompany you to family gatherings – attending family events together is out of the question.
18. They may say derogatory things about you to the children – humiliate you in front of them, encouraging them to take their side.
19. They may use abrasive language just to upset you.
20. They’re no longer physically intimate, or…
21. They don’t concern themselves with your physical needs and wants.
22. They stop bothering to talk to you – how unsafe your home must feel with such an atmosphere of hostility.

Why your spouse ‘hates’ you

To figure out what you can do about your spouse hating you, you’ll have to know what drives their behaviour, thoughts and feelings.

Without understanding the cause of why they can’t stand you, there’s no knowing how to fix it. You need to know what’s at the root of their behaviour toward you before you decide what to do.

Is it time to leave or work hard to try and save the marriage?

So, take a pen and piece of paper and work your way through the following three lists.

Let’s start with things for which your spouse needs to take responsibility.

It’s not your problem, but it does need your input

5 reasons your spouse appears to hate you that have little to do with you

1. They are addicted to alcohol, illegal drugs or painkillers, which makes them really cranky
2. They are addicted to adult content
3. They are in pain
4. They are grieving
5. They have a problem they’ve not yet shared with you.

Any of these could be a reason why your spouse hates you. They’re responsible for dealing with them but you can encourage and support them.

Reasons your spouse hates you, which probably means a divorce

4 reasons your spouse can’t stand you likely ending your marriage

1. Your husband, wife or partner hates you because they have someone else. They have no interest in you. They might even blame you for their infidelity and say they’re ‘finally’ happy.
2. They no longer love you but don’t know how to end the marriage or see no way of getting out of it.
3. They married you for the wrong reasons. Think of them not knowing how to stop the wedding, just liking the idea of being married, anticipating financial gain, etc.
4. They’re abusing you. Your spouse is likely to have behaved like this in previous relationships. You may have missed or ignored the red flags before you married.

Regarding the latter – the sooner you can get out of this marriage, the better. However, I understand that lack of confidence, fear, ‘love’, kids, (misplaced) embarrassment, and lack of money can get in the way.

Whatever your situation, start by informing yourself about how to leave your abusive spouse.

So, please, hop over to my article on the signs of an abusive relationship. Scroll to the bottom to find the list of specialist organisations offering information, advice and possibly help where ever you reside.

Is it time to end your marriage?

Perhaps you’ve already had more than enough. You’re ready to tell your spouse you want a divorce. Or you want them to leave.

The question is, do you have sufficient resources – practical, financial, mental and emotional – to start over again separately?

Can you run two households, particularly if you have children?

If not, it’s no wonder they won’t leave. A lawyer may even tell him not to leave the house.

7 reasons your spouse hates you and what to do about it

All may not be lost! Every couple experiences relationship or marital problems.

Follow the links to discover what to do when it seems your spouse can’t stand you.

7 problems for which there are solutions

1. They have had enough of certain behaviours, and talking hasn’t worked. They might have let you know what riles them, but you haven’t listened. Increasingly resentful, dissatisfied and angry, they’ve almost given up on the marriage. See my article on how to listen to your spouse without arguing.
2. They’re fed up being the only ones working hard to make the marriage a success.
3. They no longer find you attractive but don’t know how to tell you or help you do something about it. 
4. They have narcissistic tendencies.
5. They’re bored with you and the relationship.
6. They have mental health problems.
7. They feel no longer important to you and that you care.

Your spouse hates you because they feel let down

What to do when your partner, wife or husband hates you

One way is to dust yourself off and take responsibility for your role in their unhappiness. After all, we all make mistakes, don’t we? And relationship skills don’t come easily.

So, why not set about upgrading your relationship skills? You’re uniquely placed to transform yourself rather than wait for your spouse to change.

You may find that your spouse will also change when you become the best version of yourself.

So, take a good look at this list to increase your self-awareness. Follow the links and read the articles. They contain a ton of information to help you develop and hone your relationship skills.

11 reasons why your spouse hates you

1. You’re careless with money, perhaps you lie about money and jeopardise your financial stability.
2. You’ve tricked your spouse into something they weren’t prepared for – such as marriage or having a baby.
3. You’re abusive toward them.
4. You’ve taken them for granted. See how to write loving Thank You Notes and messages.
5. You’ve changed for the worse. See How to make your spouse love you again. Or, if you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse, see How to fall back in love with your spouse.
6. You’ve thought only about yourself.
7. You’ve had an affair – they can’t forgive you and remain full of resentment about your deceit.
8. You no longer want to be physically intimate.
9. You’ve let yourself go. You’ve neglected yourself and your marriage.
10. You’re too controlling. Your spouse is tired of feeling like a puppet on a string.
11. You’re having mental health problems.

When it’s time to end the marriage

When you think your spouse can’t stand you, stand up and work on becoming the very best version of yourself.

If that doesn’t transform your marriage, however, you may no longer see a future for the two of you. Perhaps it’s time then to tell your spouse you need a break or file for divorce.

Finally

The realisation that your spouse hates you is oh so painful.

However, don’t let what’s happening now define the future of your marriage right now. Use it as your motivation to improve your relationship with your spouse.

At least, when all else fails, you’ve given your marriage the best chance to survive.

Whatever happens from now on, know that you’re enough. Step into your strength because, as a therapist, I know you’re far stronger than you give yourself credit for.

You’ve got this!