What it means and what to do when your husband ignores you

What to do when you’re being ignored by your husband or partner

How confused and hurt you must feel! You have the hunt the internet to search for what it means and what to do when your husband or partner ignores you. I suspect you’re feeling rejected, angry and, quite frankly, stunned they want to ignore someone they love.

I so hope you find this article helpful.

What precisely does your partner or husband ignore?

When you say: “My husband ignores me.”, what precisely do you mean?

• Does he ignore your emotional needs?
• Is he ignore ignoring your physical needs? (See my article on what to do about a lack of physical intimacy.)
• Does he ignore your input when making major decisions?
• Does he rather spend time with friends than with you when you’re out socialising?
• Does he ignore you in conversations with friends?
• Does he ignore you after a fight?
• Does he ignore you when his kids are around? (See my article about blended family problems)
• Or when you’re upset or sick?
• Do you happen to be a bit of an attention-seeker? Could that be the reason he ignores you?
• Are you menopausal, and have your needs suddenly changed? In that case, your spouse might ignore your complaints because he’s baffled and doesn’t know what to do with a menopausal wife.
• Are you having relationship problems after having had a baby?
• Does he ignore you in public? Does your husband still find you attractive or even like you?
• Are you sure your husband still loves you and isn’t about to leave?

Can you see that there’re plenty of reasons why your husband might ignore you?

Just in case, to find out precisely what the problem is and when he ignores you, hop over to my article on problem-solving techniques.

It isn’t easy to know what to do without being clear about when and where the problem occurs.

Let’s start with what it means when your spouse ignores you.

Why your husband ignores you

I can totally understand if you’re asking, “Why does my husband ignore me.” How would you know what he means by that?

Clearly, something significant is going on for him. But what? What does he want from you?

What it means when your husband ignores you

Strange as it might seem, your husband does communicate with you. Instead of doing it with words, he does it with actions. He ignores you.

The question is, what does he communicate when he ignores you?

Without finding the reason he ignores you, we can’t know what it means precisely.

What it means when you’re husband is suddenly ignoring you

3 reasons your husband or spouse suddenly ignores you

It’s a significant sign if your husband has suddenly started to ignore you for the following reasons:

1. He’s having an affair and is avoiding you because he’s scared you might find out.
2. He’s planning to leave you.
3. He’s secretive for other reasons.

Follow the links to my articles with a ton of info, tips and advice. You’ll discover what to do exactly when your husband suddenly ignores you for the above three reasons.

Let’s now look at what might happen when your spouse ignores you after a fight.

Why your husband ignores you after a fight

As I mentioned before, your husband communicates something by ignoring you. That can often happen after a fight.

Here are just some reasons you might feel ignored after a fight:

1. He’s angry and uses the silent treatment to punish you.
2. He feels frustrated and has run out of words.
3. He feels overwhelmed. He is flooded with emotions (anger, frustration, disappointment, hurt, you name it! And his way of dealing with the emotional overload is to shut down.
4. He doesn’t know what to say (many women are much better at talking about emotions, so you might have the overhand.
5. He feels it doesn’t matter what he says because you don’t listen. So why bother?
6. You don’t give him space to figure out what he’s feeling and how to respond to you. So it’s easier for him to ignore you.

You can see how much he could communicate by ignoring you and remaining silent. So, which of the above might represent your husband?

And, more importantly, what can you do about whatever it is that bothers him?

What to do when your husband ignores you after a fight

The following is likely to work for all the reasons mentioned, except when he uses the silent treatment to punish you.

• Leave him be, for starters. Give him the time and space to calm down without you interfering in that process.
• Say something: “Okay, it seems you need a bit of space right now, so I’ll let you be.” Or…
• Say: “I think I might have upset you, but I don’t really know what happened. I promise I’ll listen to what’s going on for you later.”
• Read my article on how to argue better to learn some advanced listening skills.

What if your husband ignores your needs?

You might feel that your husband ignores your emotional needs. The question is, does he even understand what you mean by that?

Let’s next see, for example, what might happen when you’re upset.

What to do when your husband ignores you when you’re upset

When you’re upset, and your husband ignores you, you can only let it be so in that moment.

When you’re up for it – the two of you can talk about it.

Your husband can’t handle emotions

Your husband might have no idea how to handle emotions.

• He may not have learnt how to from his parents or carers.
• He may feel upset that you’re upset!
• He may have learnt it’s no use expressing your feelings as a child – nothing changes.
• He may have been scalded for saying how he felt.
• He may have tried to offer support in previous relationships, but those attempts were unappreciated.
• He may have learned to keep a stiff upper lip and that men don’t cry.
• He may have been ignored as a child when he had done something to displease his parents. In that case, he has taken over that passive-aggressive way of expressing displeasure and anger by stonewalling you.
• He may not even know how he feels, so empathy for how you might feel is simply a step too far.

Thereby comes that, many a time, men will want to be able to offer a solution. So, they feel stuck if they can’t find one or you’ve already dismissed their offerings.

Instead, they may find it easier to become defensive and blame you for everything.

So what to do?

The problem requires lots of conversations about why expressing your emotions is good for everyone.

Letting your partner or spouse know how you feel is an essential relationship skill.

The first step is to help him become more aware of his own feelings. My list of human emotions can help point him in the right direction.

For the rest, plenty of acknowledgements, a ton of encouragement, and compliments about tiny steps forward will help him move forward.

Tell your spouse or partner what you need

Your spouse can’t read your mind, and you can’t read his.

So, during one of your conversations, tell him what would help when you’re upset.

Instead of accusing him, say something like:

• “You won’t need to say anything, but I would love it if you just put your arms around me.”
• “I know you can’t solve it for me, and I’m not expecting anything from you, but please will. you just sit here and listen?”
• “I’d love a hot-water bottle/ a hot drink/ the dog taken for a walk/ the children picked up from school/ the dinner sorted..” or whatever other practical things you’d like taken care of.

What to do when your husband ignores you while playing video games?

Video games can keep someone trapped for hours because they’ve become part of a team or are stuck in a sequence they feel can’t be stopped.

Video games, unfortunately, are also very addictive. Your partner or spouse will be in a hypnotic trance state. That means they don’t notice anything around them. So, they’re not ignoring you because of you, but because they’re hyper-focused.

You’ll need to have a quiet conversation about how much work it takes to build and maintain a healthy relationship.

Tell them how you feel – without arguing:
“When you play video games for hours and days on end, I feel I’m the only one in this relationship.”

Talk about what the consequences are:
“Our relationship is like a plant. When it isn’t watered, it dies.”

Ask them for their help in sorting it out:
“What do you suggest we could do to ensure the survival of our relationship?”

In the meantime, it’s important that you, too, have interests that occupy some of your leisure time!

What you can do right now

If the relationship problems are piling up and there’s no way forward, you might already think you’ve had enough.

However, I’d love you to see this problem as an opportunity to update your relationship skills and take responsibility for your role in the relationship.

You can do this by looking at what you do and say before your husband starts ignoring you.

Is there anything you can do differently?

Can you learn to soothe yourself?

Can you become a little less needy (if, indeed, you are)?

Can you be kinder and less defensive?

There are plenty of opportunities for you to transform your relationship by working on yourself.

When it’s time to break up

If your husband has suddenly started ignoring you, you may be facing some serious problems. Your marriage may already be on its last legs.

Does your spouse continue to ignore you, perhaps even for days on end? In that case, I totally understand you feel hurt, undermined and fed up enough to consider ending your relationship or marriage.

You might then find the following articles helpful:

• Stay together or break up
• Marriage compatibility test

Finally

I want to congratulate you for looking to see what you can do when your husband ignores you. That tells me that you are keen to learn how to improve your relationship.

Much depends now on your actions. Remember, you can change yourself, but you cannot change your husband (if only! I’ve often thought myself – even though I’m a relationship therapist!).

Know that you’re far more capable and resilient than you might give yourself credit for. You are enough – you’ve got this!