How to tell your spouse you’re unhappy

Telling your partner, husband or wife you’re no longer happy

First, I want to congratulate you on searching for how best to tell your spouse you’re unhappy!

It seems you think your spouse may have little knowledge that the marriage is not what you’d hoped for. So, you absolutely should tell your spouse how you feel.

How sad, disappointed, hurt and frustrated I suspect you feel right now.

Let’s take you through the steps of telling your spouse you’re unhappy.

How do you tell your spouse you’re unhappy?

When you get finally get around telling your spouse what’s up, they will want to know what makes you unhappy.

And, of course, you’ll need to consider the possible fall-out and how you’ll cope with that.

It’s a lot, but you can do it!

I’ve got your back. Let’s aim for progress, not fighting. I’ll take you through what needs to happen step-by-step.

What precisely makes you unhappy?

Just telling your spouse you’re unhappy won’t help them understand what’s bothering you about the marriage.

So, let’s figure that out first.

What are you so unhappy with?

• Your physical relationship or lack of it?
• Their physical appearance?
• Their lack of (emotional) support?
• Are they abusive toward you?
• Have you stopped loving them?
• Their attention-seeking?
• They’re being selfish?
• Are they blaming you for everything?
• Do you sense your spouse no longer even likes you?
• Have they had an affair which you can’t get over?
• Their mental health problems?
• Their lack of care, consideration and attention?

What to say to your spouse

How to talk to your spouse or partner about being unhappy

Whatever it is that makes you unhappy, be ready to tell your spouse clearly and concisely. Be prepared to talk only about facts and specific behaviours, don’t condemn them as a person.

Here are some examples:

Tell your spouse what bothers you:
“I am increasingly unhappy with how you do/say/…”
“I have noticed that you spend more and more time playing video games…”
“The last few months, you’ve been ignoring me when your son has been here.”
“Since… you no longer appear to want me anymore.”

Say how you feel:
“I feel frustrated/hurt/sad/let down/rejected when that happens.”

Say what the consequences are:
“It makes me wonder if you still love me.”
“I wonder if our marriage can survive.”
“I don’t want to go out with you.”

Ask for their thoughts and just listen (don’t react other than to nod your head).

That’s your start! More examples of what to say when telling your spouse you’re not happy further down.

What would you ideally like to happen?

It won’t do just telling your spouse you’re unhappy. You’ll need to follow it up with what you want to do about it.

So, what do you want?

• Are you hoping they’ll change?
• Do you hope you can work together to improve the marriage?
• Do you want to go for couple counselling? Discover what to expect.
• Do you want to take a break from the marriage? Then be sure to read How to tell your spouse you need a break.
• Are you hoping they’ll move out?
• Do you want to separate and divorce? In that case, I recommend you read my article on how to tell your spouse you want a divorce.
• If your spouse promises to work on the relationship, are you prepared to help save the marriage?

Once you know what you want to achieve, you can figure out what to say when you tell your spouse you’re unhappy.

Do you have an alternative in mind?

If you plan to take a break, have you got a plan on how to bring that about?

Have you thought about how your plans, if you have any, may affect the children?

Whether or not you have a plan, you’ll need your spouse’s cooperation.

Decide on a time and place to tell them

Please make sure that you don’t just drop it on your spouse that you’re unhappy. At least consider what they’ve on their plate that hour, day or week.

You could go for a walk together and then tell them. Or take a drink to a quiet spot in a park.

You might also tell them at home.

In that case, do all you can to avoid being disturbed by the kids, the front doorbell, the TV or anything else. At least turn off your mobile or, better still, leave it in another room.

How do you anticipate your spouse will react?

I wonder if you’ve considered that your spouse might also be unhappy. Unbeknownst to you, they could be thinking about having the same conversation with you.

They may even want to end the marriage.

So be prepared for any unintended consequences!

It would be great if you could have an equal conversation. Sure, the emotions will rise, but ideally, you respond to each other with dignity and. understanding.

However, if your spouse tends to be somewhat selfish or argumentative, you’re wise to anticipate an adverse reaction.

When your spouse has narcissist traits or is argumentative at the best of times

What to say to your spouse when you’re not happy

Expect a barrage of complaints and accusations or the silent treatment. All you need to do to ensure to tell your spouse you’re unhappy is choose the right time and keep it short.

Say something like:

“Unfortunately, I’m no longer happy.”
“This is what I think is going wrong in our marriage. I have trouble dealing with/I’ve felt very hurt by [your spouse’s behaviour]…”

“I hope the two of us can work it out.” Or…
“Let’s get some marriage counselling.”

I highly recommend the latter if your partner or spouse is rather dominant.

 “I’m thinking of [your plan]. With your cooperation, I will…”
“Without your cooperation, I anticipate I will…”
“I’ve made arrangements for…”

When telling your husband, wife or partner you’re unhappy, it’s no time to argue.

In response to whatever you get from your spouse, just say something like:
“Hmm. Is that how you see it.” “I’ll take that into consideration.”

How to tell an ‘attention-seeking’ spouse you’re unhappy

Does your spouse have a tendency to become over-emotional, in your opinion?

Would you class them as a bit of an attention-seeker?

Then before you tell them about your unhappiness, I’d like you to read my article on how to cope with an attention-seeking spouse first for some extra tips and advice.

Know that you cannot expect to tell your spouse you’re unhappy without them being somewhat emotional.

Have no clue how to deal with someone’s emotions? Or are you rather averse to it?

In that case, I recommend you talk with a registered or licensed therapist before you tell your spouse you’re no longer happy. You may also find my article on how to offer emotional support or help.

Aim for your partner’s or spouse’s cooperation

Whatever you want to happen, expect to negotiate and compromise.

Say something like:
“How can we improve our marriage/relationship together.”
“I’d love your help in…”
“Let me know how you think I can improve.”

Telling your spouse you’re unhappy when you have someone else

If you’re having an affair, don’t use this occasion to blame your spouse for your infidelity.

The underlying reason for your affair may well be that you’ve been unhappy in your marriage or relationship. However, you’re responsible for the choices you make!

Instead of cheating on your spouse, you might have mentioned before that you were unhappy. Your spouse would then have had an opportunity to consider the role they played in your unhappiness. The two of you could have worked on your marriage to improve it.

What you can do to increase your happiness

You might like your spouse to change. However, I can guarantee that you cannot make them do anything if they don’t make that choice themselves. Perhaps you’ve already come to that conclusion yourself.

However, you can change yourself. For example, you can look at your relationship problems from a different angle.

• Think of someone you really admire. What would they say about your marriage?
• What would your relationship with your spouse look like if you were less sensitive to whatever you find troublesome?
• Have you been the very best spouse you could be?
• Do you know what it takes to build a healthy relationship?
• Could it be you’re too dependent on your spouse to ‘make’ you happy?

There’s so much you can do yourself to increase your happiness (Greate Good Berkeley, opens in a new tab)!

Finally

Telling your spouse you’re unhappy could unleash all kinds of unintended consequences – for you, your spouse and any children. But, it is the right thing to do instead of carrying on pretending all is well.

I hope I’ve given you enough encouragement, example and tools to help you make a dignified and considered attempt at telling your spouse how you feel.

Since you’ve made it to the end of this article, I know you’re far more capable than you might give yourself credit for. You’ve got this!