How to tell your spouse you want a divorce

What to say, when and how to tell your spouse you want a divorce

I suspect you’ve been wondering how to tell your spouse you want a divorce for some time now.

You may well have tried numerous times to solve your marital problems. Doubtless, you’ve wanted to make a success of your marriage. Now, sadly, it appears to have been to no avail – you’re ready to separate and divorce.

The question is though, how on earth do you tell your spouse you want out?

Stick with me – I’m hoping to help you with tips and advice on the best way to tell your spouse you want a divorce.

What qualifies me to talk about this

I was a registered (licensed) couples counsellor for 24 years (now retired). I have seen hundreds of couples struggling to save their marriage or, when there had been no way to save the marriage, dealing with a divorce.

Every now and then one of the spouses might have attended couples counselling half-heartedly, secretly hoping their spouse would learn from me they wanted out.

So, let’s get cracking and discover how to say to your spouse you want to separate and divorce.

Before that, though, just in case…

Telling your spouse you want a divorce, or…

… take a break and go for couples therapy?

Would you, deep down, still rather save your marriage from divorce?

If so, maybe you could start by telling your spouse you want a break. It would, temporarily at least, stop you from having to deal with the pressure of constant arguments or complete disaffection. Taking a break could give you the opportunity to reassess and maybe fix your marital problems.

During such a break, you could then also go for couples counselling or even get some online relationship coaching.

If you’ve had it and just want to get out now, here’s how you can tell your spouse you want a divorce and do so with dignity…

How do you tell your spouse you want a divorce?

Before we talk about how to tell your husband or wife you want a divorce, let’s see what you could expect.

Your spouse’s reaction is likely to depend on how much they’re already aware of the warning signs of a breakup and the signs their spouse wants to leave.

If the announcement comes as a shock, it will have a different effect than if they were already anticipating an ending. A for-them-traumatic message is likely to create a high level of emotion which will impede the speed with which they can take it all in.

So, let’s aim to inform your spouse in the most graceful and dignified manner as possible under the circumstances.

For starters, be sure to prepare yourself.

In brief:

1. Read my article on how to stop arguing, because you’ll want to be as brief, precise and calm as you can without sounding cold and uncaring.
2. Decide when precisely you’re going to tell your spouse you want a divorce. See further down.
3. Be ready to state why you want a divorce in a short precise manner – waffling now will only complicate things. It may also inadvertently leave the door open to further attempts at saving the marriage (which you may or may not want). See further down on what to say.

So, with all that in mind, let’s look at when to tell your spouse you want to a divorce.

The best time to tell your spouse you’ve decided to you want a divorce

Firstly, whatever you do, don’t first tell friends, family members or colleagues you’ve decided to divorce before you’ve spoken to your spouse. Things told ‘in confidence’, have a habit of leaking out!

Naturally, you’ll want to discuss your thoughts, feelings and plans with someone you trust. I recommend you connect with a professional online relationship coach to get the right advice. See my page on how online coaching (opens in a new tab) can help.

Secondly, don’t just start the conversation out of the blue and blurt while your spouse in the middle of doing something else.

Tell them that the two of you need to have a conversation.

They’ll realise, then, it’s serious. It’s best to tell your spouse you want a divorce when you know you won’t be disturbed by anyone or anything – for at least a couple of hours. That will give you both a little time to deal with the immediate fall-out.

Do not be tempted into saying straight out what the problem is – unless you know there’s sufficient time.

When not to tell your spouse you don’t want to be married anymore:

1. Don’t tell them you want to separate just before your spouse is due to go out, go to work, pick up the children, etc.
2. Don’t drop a hint just before you leave to go to work or anywhere else.
3. Don’t tell your spouse you want a break during a telephone conversation
4. Don’t tell during an argument – you’ll both be too emotional to have a half-decent conversation
5. Don’t text or app to tell your wife or spouse you want a divorce.

Telling your spouse you want to end your marriage and leave

First of all, you really can’t expect to up and leave regardless of how long you’ve been married – unless you’re in an abusive marriage (see my abusive relationship test).

The fact that you want to leave, makes me think you’ve already made alternative living arrangements.

As a couples therapist, I can almost guarantee that a sudden departure to live with someone else will backfire (unless you’re in an abusive relationship).

If, for example, you have someone else and you’re planning to move in with your lover or mistress, the process of separation and divorce is likely to cost you dear in terms of time, energy and expense.

Your soon-to-be-ex is likely to be twice as angry and resentful. They’ll doubtless prepared to make your life as difficult as possible.

They’ll realise you’ve been unfaithful and that you’re ‘dumping’ them – a double blow (and we’re not even talking about if it’s for someone they know).

Of course, we’re all capable of falling in love with someone else! That doesn’t necessarily need to be the end of your marriage, though.

One of my friends told her husband she was falling in love with the tennis trainer. They had a good laugh about it and she eventually got over it. Despite her love for someone else, her husband knew their marriage was strong enough to survive.

But, since you’re looking for information on how to tell your spouse you want a divorce – you have made up your mind and I am glad you’ve landed here. :-)

Whatever your reasons for divorce now, you’ll want to give yourself the best chance to make a success of a new beginning in the future. The only way you might achieve that is by taking the time and working on a dignified ending of your marriage.

I’m hoping to help you achieve that.

How to prepare yourself for that dreaded conversation

Before you tell your husband or wife you want a divorce

1. Line up your own support in advance – chances are you’ll want to offload to someone how the conversation went.
2. Prepare yourself for all possible scenarios – expect the unexpected. You may have an idea of how your spouse is likely to react. However, from my professional experience, I can tell you that many of my clients were rather baffled by their spouse’s response.
3. Avoid arguing – it’s too late for that. Blaming your spouse now, or in any other way inflaming the situation is likely to result in your filling your lawyer’s wallet.
4. Ensure you won’t be disturbed – are the children in? Could someone be walking through the back door? Have you switched your mobile off and preferably left it in another room?
5. Communicate clearly, calmly, kindly and decisively (I know it sounds easy!).
6. Be prepared to accept your partner’s expression of feelings. Your soon-to-be-ex may be angry, feel guilt, sadness and/or intense despair (or, alternatively, be over the moon!). It is what it is! You can’t argue over feelings. Hence, my suggestion you make sure you’ve got someone to talk to.

I’m afraid nothing you can say will make it better for your spouse. The only thing they may want to hear is that you will try again, that they will do anything, that you must be mistaken, etc.

At the same time, though, be prepared also, for their being happy it has come to this! For all you know, they’ve been feeling and thinking the same way as you.

What to say to your spouse when you want a divorce

Don’t just simply blurt out you want a divorce is my first bit of advice when you want to know how to tell your husband or wife you want a divorce.

Instead, lead by saying that they may have realised that this is not just a regular, run-of-the-mill conversation.

A slow start-up allows your spouse a few seconds to make sense of what is being said and what is coming her way.

Here’s how best to structure your conversation…

How to tell your husband or wife you want a divorce in 5 steps

1. Talk about how you’ve been feeling lately

Talk about your feelings with “I” statements – without accusations. I know that’s a tough task, but arguing now is a waste of time.

For example, you might say something like:

“I’ve been feeling so unhappy/disappointed/let down/terribly hurt by everything that’s happened of late.”

“I’ve been feeling so sad that regardless of how hard I/we tried, the spark between us seems to have completely disappeared. We’re living like brother and sister these days. That’s not how I want to continue.”

Notice how there’s no accusation in those statements. Also, I haven’t mentioned divorce yet – that’s just to create a little space for the penny to drop.

2. Mention the facts

Keep it short –  no endless explanations. Explain briefly how you were happy initially and how things changed for you –  what precisely has hurt and disappointed you so much. Now that’s a very tricky one to do without a ton of blame!

So, here’s how you might say that:

“I know that we’re thinking very differently about how to raise the kids/how much time to spend on hobbies/how to talk about problems. Therefore, I’m very sorry, (give it a few seconds) I want to file for divorce.”

“My need for…. Is so very different than how you do things and what’s important to you, that I’ve decided that (give it a couple of seconds) I now want a divorce. I’m so sorry it’s come to this.”

Naturally, you’ll need to formulate what you’re going to say in your own words and I urge you to give it some thought.

Having said that, I wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up if it all goes pear-shaped as it’ll be such a life-changing moment.

3. Allow for a little breathing space

Allow for some time to let your message sink in a bit. They’ll need time to gather their thoughts. Or, they may immediately be too emotional to think straight (see further down why that may be so).

They may say things you weren’t prepared for and they may come to regret.

Stay calm and do not react but simply listen and let it happen (unless of course, they’ve become abusive, in which case you need to leave).

You may want to say things like:

“I totally get your reaction.”
“Naturally you’re feeling like this.”
“I see how very hurt you are by this – I get that.”

4. Ask what they need right now

They may have no idea what they need other than perhaps to be left alone. It all depends on how shocked and emotional they are and whether or not they had seen it coming.

“Is there anything I can do for you now?”
“Would you like me to collect the children/do the shopping/telephone…/get you a drink/leave you alone for a while?”

5. Decide on a time to continue the conversation

Divorcing is a process you navigate over time. There are many stages to go through, each with its own challenges (see also: How to break up with someone you live with). There’ll be many more conversations to come.

If you can accept that, chances are you can prevent unnecessary delays and expensive arguments – meaning filling your lawyer’s pockets, at least for the things within your control.

“Let me give you some time. When you’re ready, let’s sit down and talk about the next step.”

Why your emotions can get in the way

The more emotional we are as human beings, the less sense we make, the more we’re likely to say things we later regret.

We simply can’t think straight when we’re highly emotional. We become less intelligent through being anxious, angry, lustful, jealous, or any other feeling that has us tied up in knots.

I suspect you’re feeling pretty emotional right now – you wouldn’t otherwise be here.

Therefore, before you do anything else, make it a little easier on yourself by making use of a professionally produced hypnosis download. I’m thinking, for example,[ ….. ] could really help you right now.

Discover how hypnosis can work for you – hop over to my article Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads.

Telling your kids you’re getting a divorce

Not only do you need to know how to tell your husband or wife you want a divorce, you’ll also need to tell your kids.

It’s super important for you both and your children you get this right.

Precisely how you’ll tell the kids you’re getting a divorce will depend on their ages, their emotional maturity and their general wellbeing.

I would encourage you to tell them together, if possible.

More on this in my articles:

• The effects of divorce on your kids
• How to support the kids through your divorce

Finally

You wanted to know how to tell your spouse you want a divorce. Hopefully, you know now how to prepare yourself, when to tell your husband or wife you want a divorce and how to word it.

Know that endings are sometimes necessary to allow for new beginnings. So, give yourself the best possible chance to start over again with your investment of energy, time and generosity of spirit.

Remember, both of you need time to heal (opens in a new tab) after this challenging time. Just trust that you’re far stronger and more resilient than you think you are – you’ve got this!