What to do if you’ve lied to your spouse or partner

You’ve been lying to your partner or spouse – what now?

You’ve lied to your spouse or partner? No wonder you’re searching the internet for what to do because it’s a tricky problem to share with anyone. I understand you’re at a loss now about what to do about it!

My aim, therefore, is to help you to figure out whether or not you should tell your partner you’ve been lying and prepare you for the potential ramifications.

If telling the truth appears to be the best option for you, you can use my action plan further down. I’ve included tips on what to say to your partner should you want to tell them you’ve been lying.

Before we start, please remember that I’m in no way judging you! You and I are both fallible – we all are. And, to a greater or lesser extent, everybody tells lies: white lies, untruths about little things or huge lies (not that I’m putting all lies in the same category, though).

I suspect you meant no harm, but in any case, your secret is safe with me!

Let’s get cracking by first getting to the bottom of why and what you lied about before we get to what you could do about it now.

Why you lied to your partner

Your most important inborn needs are a sense of security and belonging, friendship, self-esteem, status, meaning and attention.

You’ve likely been lying to meet some of the essential emotional needs.

Meeting those needs in balance occupies us in all our everyday dealings – consciously and unconsciously.

So, here’s how that might have worked for you…

You lied to your spouse to get attention

Perhaps you faked a mental or physical illness – or lied about someone else’s well-being to get your partner’s attention, loving feelings, care and consideration.

Could you even be prone to attention-seeking behaviours?

You fabricated a story to improve your status

You lied because you wanted to look or sound ‘better’. Perhaps you wanted to hide something you felt ashamed of. Or, you simply embellished a story to sound more ‘together’, important or accomplished.

You lied to your spouse in an attempt to meet your sense of security and belonging

You’ve been dishonest because you felt insecure, fearing your partner might be about to break up with you. You might have fabricated something to make it more difficult for them to end the relationship.

Considering the above, what do you now think you were hoping to achieve by lying – which one of those needs or which combination were you hoping to meet?

Knowing and understanding the underlying reason for your fibbing might influence your decision to tell or not.

When did you begin to lie?

Here are just a couple of examples of how you might have started to ly:

• You could have lied from the moment you first met – perhaps hoping they’d find you more interesting and attractive than you’d considered yourself.
• Or, you faked a drama when you felt your partner withdrawing from you and were desperate to prevent a breakup. You could have conjured up an illness or something else to convey the impression that you needed care and attention.
• You could have lied about your previous relationship to match what you thought your partner wanted from you.

How long you’ve been lying and how many lies you’ve told are factors to consider when deciding whether or not to tell you’ve been untruthful.

What lies did you tell?

Just to be clear – mostly to yourself – where you dishonest about:

• Your health – physical or mental
• Your loyalty – if you’ve been unfaithful.
• Your relationship history – how many partners you’ve had, with or without children
• Money – see my article on lying about money.
• Your education or your work
• Your family
• Your gender – you were not prepared to reveal your real gender for fear of rejection and your future.
• Something else in your past?

Let’s then consider the potential impact of disclosing you lied to your partner or spouse. How do you think they might react, and what consequences for them can you foresee?

To tell or not to tell you’ve been lying

Let’s consider now what the consequences of your telling your partner you’ve lied might be.

If you don’t tell your partner you’ve been lying to them:

• Your partner may already suspect you’re not being honest with the truth.
• You’ll have to live with the fact that you’re hiding something for as long as you’re in this relationship (and perhaps forever), and you might ‘hate’ yourself for having to live with that lie.
• Your partner might find out you’ve been lying, which would probably mean the end of your relationship. Or, if it’s not going to be a breakup, you’ll have a partner who’ll take a very long time to trust you again.
• You might get caught out by someone else, and they could either tell your partner (and others) or threaten they would.
• A close friend or family member could discover you’ve been lying and tell or threaten to tell your partner and others close to you. In any case, the lies will stand awkwardly between you.
• Other people may already know or suspect you’re ‘a liar’.

If you do tell your partner you’ve been lying to them

Here are the most likely scenarios and the effects of being lied to:

• They might reveal that they’ve also lied.
• They might immediately want a divorce.
• They might give you the silent treatment because of your deceit.
• They continue the relationship but hold it forever against you even if they don’t always show it.
• They might quickly get over it – depending on what you lied about and forgive you.
• They get over it and forgive you – eventually.
• They’ll use it against you at every opportunity – if you’re in an abusive relationship or living with a narcissist.

Other consequences

Perhaps there are other unintended ramifications for your partner or your relationship. For example, if you’ve lied about money, has that resulted in debts?

If you’ve been having an affair, is there a chance your partner could have caught a sexually transmitted disease (STD) through your betrayal?

So, before you decide to tell or not, write down a list of potential consequences as far as you can foresee and whether it’s even fair for you to withhold the truth.

What to do if disclosing your lies leads to a breakup

The impact a breakup will have on you both is likely to depend on the strength of your relationship, your hopes for it, your mental health and whether it would involve a move if you’re living with your partner.

Maybe you were already discussing a future together, or you’re married. Or perhaps you’d been having doubts anyway and had already been thinking of breaking up.

Would it be such a disaster if you broke up?

It helps to think through carefully what could happen when you tell the truth. How you would deal with the fall-out will help strengthen your resolve either one way or the other.

What to do when you’ve lied to your partner

Based on all the above, it’s now up to you to decide to tell or not. I’m going to help you come to a decision.

I’d like you to know that whatever your decision, know that you’re far stronger than you think – you’ll cope, even if you initially feel the world is falling apart.

Let’s look at your resources for getting through difficult times. After all – life is often difficult, sometimes through our own doing and often through no fault of our own. So, it’s as well to be aware of what you have in your personal arsenal to tackle challenging times.

1. You were born with a brain that relishes challenges and solving problems. Your brain is also primed to help you build relationships and process losses.
2. You’re likely to have experienced tough times, and however difficult it was – you’ve got through.
3. You can ask for help. A trusted friend, a family member or someone in your community may well be able to offer a listening ear and some wise advice. Be sure to avoid people who enjoy good gossip, though.

Consider also discussing your dilemma with a registered or licensed therapist to get trustworthy guidance and support.

Should you really tell your partner you’ve lied to them?

The effects of being lied to in a relationship

When you think you can’t possibly lie any longer, you might be tempted to get it off your chest as soon as possible and tell your partner or spouse.

However, I’d like you to consider what that might do to them.

If you’re in a long-term relationship or married and you’ve been lying for years, your revelations could completely undermine their sense of security.

They would start to question everything about the relationship, wondering at every turn if what they experienced was as they thought it was. They may never trust you again – even if they can forgive.

Knowing that now, you might decide that telling them is not in their best interest.

However, if your lies have caused harm to their physical, financial or social well-being, they will need a chance to address those. So, you have little choice but to allow them the opportunity to deal with the ramifications by telling them the truth.

You’ll understand now, hopefully, that the effects of lying in a relationship can be quite considerable.

How to tell your partner or spouse you’ve lied to them

Let me help you with when and how you’d tell them

When not to tell them:

• Don’t tell when you or your partner is due to go out, go to work, pick up the children, or do anything else they can’t delay or cancel.
• Don’t tell them by phone.
• Don’t leave a voicemail with either a hint or a clear message about needing to tell them something.
• Don’t deliver the bad news in a public place.
• Don’t text or app with the info that you’ve been lying.
• Don’t tell them during an argument about something else.

Your 5-step-plan of action

1. Take your time in making a decision. Write down what you think the consequences might be for your partner or spouse.
2. Tell them when you’re unlikely to be disturbed, and there’s enough opportunity to deal with the fall-out.
3. Have a good friend lined up to comfort and support you after your disclosure.
4. Write down what you want to say – you can even read it out to them (see further down on what to say).
5. Consider telling the truth using the following examples (though in your own words):

Start with something like:

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

That helps them pay attention and lets them know they will hear something significant. It will build a little time for the message to fall into place and help them deal with whatever comes next.

Follow on with words like:

“What I’m about to reveal will doubtless have an impact on you and our relationship. I will have to cope with whatever results from your reaction.”

Then:

” I can no longer live with what I’ve done and want to be honest with you.’

Indirectly, you’ve told them you’ve been lying to them, giving them a few seconds to process what they’re hearing.

Lastly, tell them the truth, including in no particular order:

• why you’d been dishonest
• what you were hoping to gain, however silly
• how you’ve decided to tell them about your deceit
• That you’ll do whatever it takes to rebuild their trust
• That you understand they might want you to leave them alone right now until they contact you
• That you understand it may take time for them to process it all.
• That you’re well aware that this might mean the end of your relationship.

Do not expect them now to comfort you in any way, react reasonably, be kind and considerate, or forgive you now.

Finally

I hope you’ll forgive yourself for ever having gotten into this situation, having lied to your spouse or partner.

Of course, I have no idea how deeply you’ve got yourself into trouble, what lies you’ve told, how often and for how long. But, I’m so impressed that you’ve found yourself at the end of this article.

I know you never meant to cause this much upset and that you’re committed to sorting it all out.

I know you can do it. I’m rooting for you!