42 reasons why couples argue so much and have the same fights over and over

Discover why couples have the same fights over and over

You’re trying to figure out why you have the same fights over and over. That’s a great start to solving the problem. Therefore, I’m so glad you’ve landed here!

I suspect you’re fed up with repeating yourself constantly.

Let’s get cracking.

10 reasons why couples argue unnecessarily due to ill-timing

One of the main reasons couples always argue is that they choose the wrong time!

So, you keep having the same fights because bad timing prevents you from listening with intent:

1. When one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs – an absolute no, no. See my article on living with an alcoholic
2. When one or both of you are about to go out
3. When you’re driving
4. When there are other people around
5. When your children can overhear (though you wouldn’t need to protect them from constructive disagreements)
6. When you’re tired, hungry or ill
7. When you’re already stressed
8. When it’s a special day (birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, New Year’s eve, etc.) – the memory of a negative event is likely to hang around much longer.
9. When you’ve had little sleep
10. When you already know you could choose a better time for whatever reason.

10 reasons couples have the same fights over and over due to power battles

Here’s why you might argue over the same things time and again:

1. You’re intent on settling scores.
2. You want to score points and win the argument.
3. You treat your spouse with contempt (think eye-rolling, calling you an idiot, sarcasm, etc.)
4. You want to be right all time. You can’t stand your partner having the upper hand.
5. You manipulate your partner or situations to get your way.
6. You’re trying to control your partner or spouse because it’s your way or the highway.

7 reasons why couples have the same fights over and over

1. You don’t know or haven’t clearly explained what you’re hoping to achieve, leaving your partner in the dark. You mistranslate their questions and so keep giving the same answers.
2. You’re not prepared to negotiate and consider solutions or outcomes. See my article on how to argue better in a relationship.
3. Your tone of voice is argumentative, even if what you’re saying might be perfectly reasonable.
4. You’re blaming your partner all too often. If you keep pointing your finger at your partner, you’ll keep having the same fights over and over.
5. You don’t reflect and take responsibility for your mannerisms, attitude and behaviours, apologising for them if necessary.
6. You’re over-reacting to what you think you’re hearing instead of asking questions to make sure you don’t jump to conclusions.
7. You don’t take your spouse’s (hopefully constructive) criticism seriously and are willing to learn and better yourself.

15 further reasons why couples argue about the same things

When the two of you are always arguing, I suspect you tend to:

1. Drift into other problems instead of focussing on just one issue at a time
2. Complicates matters by talking too much about other people and events instead of only briefly mentioning them as an example
3. Go on and on about the same issue, focussing unnecessarily on details that don’t contribute to clarity and instead increase misunderstandings.
4. Interrupt, criticise and dismiss even before the other has finished making their point.
5. Complains more than they contribute positively to a discussion or argument
6. Not accept your partner is entitled to a different opinion.
7. Keep trying to control the argument and your partner.
8. Contribute very little positive energy to the relationship, taking more than giving.
9. Shout all the time.
10. Use other communication spoilers to try and get their point across.
11. To be abusive – mentally and emotionally, physically or financially. See my relationship abuse test
12. Forget letting your partner or spouse know how much you appreciate and love them in ways they recognise and value. See my list with love quotes and thank you notes.
13. Lie and hide things.
14. To be short on spare capacity due to fear of a breakup, stress, anxiety, depression or having been traumatised.
15. Withdraw from physical contact, leading to a lack of intimacy.

How to stop arguing over the same things

You can learn to communicate better in any relationship. Simply learning to listen better, for example, can prevent you from arguing about the same things over and over. It will increase your chance of building a healthy relationship by a ton! For that reason, I’d also like you to watch this TedTalk (opens in a new tab).

Naturally, if you’re experiencing specific relationship issues, you’d want to do something about that. See 25 most common relationship problems.

Last but not least, here’s my free communication handout…

Free printable worksheet

Copyright: Elly Prior

Finally

I hope you’ve identified the cause of your arguing so much because you’ll be halfway towards solving your relationship problems.

The reason couples have the same fights over and over is almost always that one or both partners aren’t meeting their essential emotional needs in balance! To find out what that means, hop over to my article on the Human Givens, which includes a list of inborn emotional needs and one of your brain’s inborn resources.

To help you improve your communication even further, go ahead and download all my communication tools for couples free of charge.

I hope this article will help you stop having the same arguments and replace fights with passionate discussions!

You can do it!